Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The United States Bureau of Fisheries = I Raise the Bass to Feed Us in the Future
The United States of America = Attaineth its cause, freedom
Tom Cruise = So I'm Cuter
Vacation time = I am not active
Vacation Times = I'm Not as Active

The Hilton = Hint: Hotel
The Hospital Ambulance = A Cab, I Hustle to Help Man
The Meaning of Life = The fine game of nil
The Morse Code = Here Come Dots
The Public Art Galleries = Large Picture Halls, I Bet

The country side = No City Dust Here
The Detectives = Detect Thieves
The ears = Hear set
The eyes = They see
The Great New York Rapid Transit Tunnel = Giant work in street, partly underneath

Sycophant = Acts phony
Television programming = Permeating living rooms
The centenarians = I can hear ten "tens"
The Check is in the Mail = Claim Heck, I sent it heh
The cockroach = Cook, catch her

Schoolmaster = The classroom
Slot Machines = Cash Lost in'em
Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z's
Software = Swear Oft
Sunshine and Shadow = Show in Sun and Shade

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
Naturalist = A trails nut
Postmaster = Stamp Store
Presbyterians = Best In Prayers = Britney Spears
Protectionism = Cite no imports = Nice to imports

I run to escape = A persecution
Indomitableness = Endless ambition
Listen = Silent
Madam Curie = Radium came
Mel Gibson = Bong Smile

Father-in-law = Near halfwit
Funeral = Real Fun
Garbage Man = Bag Manager
Graduation = Out in a drag!
Heavy Rain? = Hire a Navy!

Dictionary = Indicatory
Dormitory = Dirty Room
Election Results = Lies, Let's Recount!
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Evangelist = Evil's Agent

Contradiction = Accord not in it
Conversation = Voices Rant On
Darling I love you = leaving your idol / Avoiding our yell
David Letterman = Nerd amid late TV
Desperation = A rope ends it

Barbie doll = I'll bare bod
Butterfly = Flutter-by
Christmas tree = Search, Set, Trim
Clint Eastwood = Old West Action
Clothespins = So let's pinch

A telescope = To see place
Admirer = Married
Alec Guinness = Genuine Class
Animosity = Is No Amity
Astronomers = Moon starers / No more stars

A Decimal Point = I'm a Dot in Place
A domesticated animal = Docile, as a man tamed it
A Gentleman = Elegant Man
A Rolling Stone Gathers No Moss = Stroller on Go, Amasses Nothing
A telephone girl = Repeating "Hello"

Denver = Nerved
Las Vegas = Salvages
Statue of Liberty = Built to stay free
Violet Cat = Attic Love
Santa = satan

Elvis = Lives
Madonna Louise Ciccone = One cool dance musician
Bart (as in Bart Simpson) = Brat
Paris = Pairs
San Diego = Diagnose

Jim Morrison = Mr. Mojo Risin'
Damon Albarn = Dan Abnormal
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Clint Eastwood = Old West action
Ronald Reagan = A darn long era

Slot machines = Cash lost in me
Fourth of July = Joyful Fourth
O, Draconian devil = Leonardo da Vinci
Oh, lame saint = The Mona Lisa
So dark the con of man = Madonna of the Rocks

The eyes = They see
A gentleman = Elegant man
Funeral = Real fun
The Morse Code = Here come dots
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one

Dormitory = Dirty room
School master = The classroom
Conversation = Voices rant on
Listen = Silent
Astronomer = Moon starer

Bored = Robed
Save = Vase
Angel = Glean
Stressed = Desserts
debit card = bad credit

Dusty = Study
Night = Thing
Inch = Chin
Brag = Grab
Cat = Act

Tar = Rat
Arc = Car
Elbow = Below
State = Taste
Cider = Cried

Are we not drawn onward, we few, drawn onward to new era?

Doc, note I dissent: a fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod.

Did Hannah see bees? Hannah did.

Anne, I vote more cars race Rome to Vienna.

Pull up, Eva! we’re here! Wave! Pull up!

Cigar? Toss it in a can. It is so tragic.

Amy? Must I jujitsu my ma?

A man, a plan, a canal: Panama.

Sit on a potato pan, Otis.

As I pee, sir, I see Pisa!

When is a palindrome not a palindrome?
All the time.

My bank account balance is a palindrome.
$00.00

Our clumsy mate has just got a PhD in palindromes.

We call him
Dr Awkward.

What do you call a funny palindrome?
lol.

What kind of car does the president of the palindrome society own?
A Toyota.

How many palindromes do I know of?
Not a ton.

UFO tofu?

Yo, banana boy!

Oozy rat in a sanitary zoo.

Murder for a jar of red rum.

Madam, in Eden, I’m Adam.

Ed, I saw Harpo Marx ram Oprah W. aside.

Dennis, Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen sinned.

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Taco cat.

Borrow or rob?

Are we not pure? “No, sir!” Panama’s moody Noriega brags. “It is garbage!” Irony dooms a man—a prisoner up to new era.

Amore, Roma.

Al lets Della call Ed “Stella.”

A nut for a jar of tuna.

I found a hat with £17.50 in it.
I thought this other guy was going to pick it up but he was too busy juggling.

If you beat your own record, you’re both a winner and a loser.

Lazy rule: Can't reach it? Don't need it.

- У вас есть хобби?
- Да, но жена просит, чтобы я закодировался...

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

Do they have a troubleshooting section in gun magazines?

Her: ‘Dinner is in the crock pot.’
Me: ‘Nice – what is it?’
Her: ‘It’s like this ceramic slow cooker thingy.’

The blind carpenter picked up his hammer and saw...

There seems to be no end, I've lost control and I can't see no escape.
I think I need a new keyboard.

There was a rollover of a truck loaded with wigs and hairpieces.
The police are now combing the area.

My friend was bragging how good his new hearing aid was. I asked him, “What kind is it?”
He looked at his watch and said, “Six thirty.”

How do Dog Catchers get paid?
By the pound.

Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?
Because un oeuf is un oeuf.

В магазине из женских напитков была только водка. А из цитрусовых - лук. Глинтвейн получился - не очень...

Lactose intolerant people blame udders for their problem.

Wanted.
Assistant to fill Hourglasses with sand, No time wasters.

I was disappointed when I found out that stress balls are NOT for throwing at the faces of people who stress you out.

Why is a robot mechanic never lonely? Because he's always making new friends.

I'm going to start a dildo repair service when lockdown is over, and I'm going to call it "Inspect Her Gadget"...

I will be available for house calls too!

My wife came into my shed yesterday and said, "You're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!"

It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!

Did you hear about the philosophical taxi driver?
He said, “It’s not the work I enjoy, it’s the people I run into!”

Q: Why is so hard to wake up in the morning?

A: Newton’s First Law: A body at rest wants to stay at rest.

What do you have if you got a cricket ball in the left hand and a cricket ball in the right hand?

A bloody big cricket.

"Doctor, I feel terrible. Headache, dry mouth, stomach cramps."
"Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drink."
"OK. I'll come back when you're sober."

"Doctor, I feel terrible. Headache, dry mouth, stomach cramps."
"Well, I can't find anything wrong with you. It must be the drink."
"OK. I'll come back when you're sober."

I like puns but I'm much better at visual humour. I just stand there at parties and the women start laughing...

My hamburger business
got started from
the ground up.

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending them a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family including an extra child that nobody has ever seen before.