Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

В России люди настолько суровы, что сами расследуют своё убийство.

What do you call a famous turtle?
A shellebrity.

Never tell a Lion to swallow his Pride.

Santa told me that I've been very good this year.
I told him it was due to lack of opportunity.

Анальный секс похож на прогноз погоды:
+15....
Ощущается как +25

"Para ser feliz, hay que tener mala memoria."

Морская раковина только первые пять лет не похожа на женщину...
(Из воспоминаний Робинзона Крузо)

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come into work.

Q:Why do girls rub their eyes when they wake up?
A: Because they have no balls to scratch!

A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat. The librarian says, “It rings a bell, but I don’t know whether it’s there or not”

Went to the zoo yesterday...I saw a loaf in a cage..
I asked a zookeeper why did they put a loaf in a cage?..
Apparently.... It was bread in captivity...

Экзорцизм наоборот: это когда демон приказывает священнику выйти из мальчика

I fear my wife is struggling with alcohol.

Yesterday she took 20 minutes to get a case of wine up the stairs.

"Las palabras nunca alcanzan cuando lo que hay que decir desborda el alma"

—Julio Cortázar.

Как сказал один мудрец: держи своё тело в тонусе, а своё мнение - в анусе!

Some people are just like trees. They take forever to grow up.

If there was an award for the most pessimistic person
I don't think I would win.

Found a random piece of a jigsaw in my car today and I’ve no idea where it came from. It’s a bit of a puzzle.

- Ребе, чем жена отличается от жемчужины?
- Жену можно нанизать только с одной стороны, а жемчужину - с обеих.
- Ребе, но я могу нанизать свою жену с двух сторон.
- Рабинович, да у тебя не жена, а жемчужина!

I asked my friend if I was ugly.
They answered, “God makes everyone perfect.”

I replied, “Thank you!”

But then they said, “Well..I don’t know who made *you.”* Certainly not God!”

If I had a dollar for everytime people call me ugly...
I'd be broke cause no one ever calls me.

An old woman visits her doctor, complaining of back pain.
The doctor tells her, "It's old age."

The woman says to the doctor, "Well, I want a second opinion!"

To which the doctor says, "Fine, you're ugly too!"

What do you call a bunch of ugly people in a flying car having an orgy because they feel sorry for each other?
A shitty pity gang bang.

Camouflage clothing is so ugly...
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.

Yo Mamma's so ugly....
She ordered a Happy meal and made it cry.

Yo mama so ugly...
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

Things turned really ugly at my house last night.
My girlfriend removed her make up.

Your momma’s so ugly...
her blowjobs count as anal.

Yo mamma’s so ugly...
Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

People used to call me ugly in middle school, but things have changed...
I'm not in middle school anymore.

How ugly are you?
I take 10 pictures of myself and delete 12.

I went to the store to buy condoms last night.
The cashier asked, ‟Do you want a bag?”
I replied, ‟No, she is not that ugly.”

I made a joke about ugly people the other day.
Someone walked up to me and hugged me and said " it takes courage to talk about your face".

So I mentioned how my crush wanted me to give up beekeeping. I was holding one of them and she said "How can you hold that ugly creature?". I said I didn't think it was ugly.
I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

An ugly lady grabbed my ass today
I turned around and asked her, "do you have a pen?"

She said, "of course I do!"
I replied, "well, you get better get back to it before the farmer realizes you're missing."

You're so ugly that I'm going to have to stop drinking...
just in case I start seeing two of you.

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox
the cat kept covering me up.

Yo mama's so ugly...
She took off her facemask during quarantine and was arrested for indecent exposure.

When you feel like you're ugly, stupid and have no redeeming traits....
Don't wallow in despair; at least you have sound judgement.

Always marry an ugly woman, a beautiful one will leave you...
An ugly one will too, but you just won't care as much.

I am 70% lame, 50% ugly...
and the remaining % good in maths.

A man ask a pretty women: ”if there is a scale of a person’s looking, on the left is ugly, and on the right is pretty, so what do you think of me?”
”I think you are in the middle,” says the women.

”So my looking is just okay,” says the man, a bit disappointed.

”No, you are pretty ugly, ” says the women.

You’re momma so ugly...
That when Bob the builder see her he says I can’t fix that.

Never let anyone tell you that you are ugly.
Because you know that yourself.

John planned a big orgy but accidentally only invited ugly people.
Nobody came.

Man i was so ugly as a kid.
Even the priest rejected me...

Do you ever looked at someone and think, "DAMN this guy is UGLY as FucK"?
Anyway, I'm getting rid of all the mirrors in my house.

I wish I was ugly for one day...
I’m tired of being ugly everyday.

My blow up doll is ugly as sin...
But she always manages to take my breath away.

Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?
Fucking nothing.

If someone gave you $200 because “you’re ugly”, would you take the money?
Me: Absolutely! I’m ugly, not stupid.

I know I'm ugly...
As I get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.

Yo mama so ugly, when she was young,
her mama left her outside a store and got fined for littering.

Your mom is so ugly...
That the world faked a pandemic just so she has to wear a mask.

Your mama is so ugly
Your dad wakes up with morning wouldn’t.

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.

This year I plan on being a Christmas pudding.
Small, round, drenched in alcohol and disliked by most people.

Do you know who really makes me sick?
People who try to stick their fingers down my throat.

I've got several great jokes about my kids being adopted.
But I can never find a good time to tell them.

How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?

I work to buy a car to go to work.

Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

What time is it when you get hit by a car?
Time to die.

Boy: why is my sister named Rose ?
Dad: someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.
Boy: okay Dad
Dad: No problem Brick

What does a car have when its very itchy?
A road rash.

- ¿Por qué no estáis juntos?
- Porque ella come amigos
- ¿Como que come amigos?
- Sí, me dijo "te quiero pero como amigos"

My wife has left me because of my obsession with Battleships.
It’s never happened B4.

What car does Hitler drive?
A fuhrerri.

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby its a “choice”. But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children its called “murder” ?

What’s the difference between my car and a hooker?
I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

What did the traffic light say to the car ?
Don’t look I’m about to change

whats a car’s favorite place to hang out?
a CARnival.

Why did the skunk sleep under a car?
Because he wanted to wake up oily.

A truck carrying vicks vaporub overturned on the highway, amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours strait.

How do you get 500 dead baby’s into a car? A blender.
How do you get 500 dead baby’s out of a car? A straw.

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.