Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

How is a golf ball different from a Chevy?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?
The Old Volks home.

What kind of car does a snake drive?
An Ana-Honda.

Who can drive all their customers away and still make money?
Taxi drivers.

What kind of cars do cooks drive?
Chef-rolets.

What kind of car does yoda drive?
A toyoda.

When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.

What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.

How do you know when there's a drummer at the door? He doesn't know when to come in.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

Be careful on the roads this year... many men are getting extremely drunk .... and allowing their wives to drive .....

My wife and I had a big argument last night.
She called me gullible and financially irresponsible!

Wait until she hears I've won the Nigerian lottery...

С женского форума в инете:
- Я анальный секс никогда не пробовала, и больше не буду пробовать...

i hate lying to my parents
but
it's for their own good.

Life is never fair. And perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not. ~Oscar Wilde

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. : Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

— Девушка, а вы знаете — мои интеллектуальные и сексуальные возможности практически не ограничены.
— Да, мне об этом уже говорили.
— Ну и что вам сказали?
— Да, так и сказали: «Не связывайся с этим идиотом, он уже всех заебал»

My school was sponsored by IKEA.
Assembly took ages.

I stopped for a bite to eat last night at a posh burger van.

It had 4 Michelin tyres...

How do pickles celebrate their birthday? They relish the moment.

Pieces of popcorn always have the best birthdays. Why? Because they're always popping!

How does the cat celebrate its birthday? By turning up the mewsic.

What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake.

What did the elephant want for his birthday? A trunk full of gifts.

What does a turtle do on his birthday? He shell-a-brates!

Don't get weird about getting older! Age is simply the number of years the world has been enjoying us!

What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays just burn you up?"

What does every birthday end with? The letter Y!

Birthdays are natures way of telling us to eat more cake.

Why do candles love birthdays so much? They just wanna get lit!

Birthdays are nice and all, but I think too many can kill you!

Age is a relative thing. All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.

Wine improves with age. We improve with wine.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.

Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.

“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.

“You need all the practice you can get!”

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.

The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.

“What’s the matter,” he asks.

“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.

“How do you know already?” he enquires.

“You’re still here.”

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”

Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”

“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”

After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.

“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking.”
Wife: “This is me, I’m talking to the wine”.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”
Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

When’s your birthday?
Juту 21st.
What year?
Every year.

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

Who decided to call it “marijuana possession” …
And not “joint custody?”

"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you." ― Anne Lamott

I had a Shepherd's pie for lunch today. He wasn't happy.

What do you call a hippie's wife? A Mississippi!

I said to my wife.. Don't you think your swimming costume is a bit too tight and revealing?? 😕

She said... Well wear your own then. 😳

An accountant friend of mine has borrowed six books now and not given any of them back. I think he’s a professional bookkeeper.

My biggest fear of side effects from covid vaccine is to start using Bing as the default search engine

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

When I had my son christened, the priest used the wrong type of font, so now he's a Times New Roman Catholic.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

My uncle with 2 wooden legs was caught in a fire and burned to the ground. The insurance said he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Local police were called to the park for reports of teenage skateboarders disobeying sidewalk rules. Their boards were confiSKATED pending arrival of their parents.

Why don't chicken breast have nipples?

I became a vegetarian recently.
Biggest missed steak of my life.

Самарский аэропорт нужно назвать имени Моне, а саратовский - имени Мане, а то задолбали уже путать эти города.

My wife texted me to say she changed her mind and didn’t want Starbucks, but by then it was two latte.

Took my young son to see Santa yesterday and he stank of booze and fags.

God knows what Santa thought...

"Todo llega para quien sabe esperar."

When I asked my 99 year old nana what she wanted for her birthday, she replied, “The best present I could ask for is to be surrounded by my friends.”
Well we’ve just got back from the cemetery and she doesn’t seem too happy.

- Papá, ¿De donde vienen los niños?
- Los trae la cigüeña, hijo
- ¿Y quien se la folla a la cigüeña?

Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter Egg a joke?
Because it might crack up.

What do you call a rabbit that tells good jokes?
A funny bunny.

I can’t believe I wanted to be an obstetrician…
I can’t even deliver a joke.

A Scottish man walks into a bar..
…There’s usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they’re still at the Rugby World Cup.

A cornstalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Want to hear a joke?” The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveller walk into a bar.
“What is this,” the bartender yells, “some kind of joke?”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To avoid this lame and outdated joke.