Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I didn't realize how lopsided and uneven our Christmas tree was until we got home. I'm so mad that we might have to bring it back.
I just can't stand it.

There's no point using Latin phrases if you don't understand what they mean, and vice versa.

“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.”
– Arthur C. Clarke

My sister was engaged to a man with a wooden leg but she broke it off.

I told my therapist about a dream I had, then I asked him, “What do you think that means?”.

He said, “It means you were sleeping.”.

What’s yellow and kills you if you get it in your eye?

A bulldozer!

Me: “Excuse me, have your carrots been genetically modified?”
Greengrocer: “No, why do you ask?”
Carrot: “Yeah, why do you ask?”

Сегодня 20 декабря 2020 года в 20 часов 20 минут нужно выпить.
Не знаю, почему... но больше такое сочетание не повторится.

I've invented a new board game called Bonopoly.

It's like Monopoly but the streets have no name.

Dolphins are so smart! Within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the edge of a pool and throw them fish.

If anybody would like to speak to me about my shoddy joinery work my door is always open.

Two cans of paint got married .Not too long thereafter the bride whispered ecstatically to the groom " Darling ,I think I'm pigment ".

I thought I broke my ankle last night when I tripped over a Kleenex box. but the doctor said it is only tissue damage.

I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store. I told him, “I don’t think they have what you’re looking for, sir.”

I’d love to visit Norway but I can’t afjiord it.

Tom Cruise is currently filming Mission Impossible 7.
It would seem the previous 6 were, in fact, possible.

I went for a check up today and all was going well until he stuck his finger up my arse...

Do you think I should change my dentist?

I saw a German bloke jump into a freezing cold pond to rescue a dog who was drowning!
He climbed out, handed over the dog and said “Here is ze dog, dry him off, keep him vorm, he vill be fine”
I said “Are you a vet?”
He replied “Vet?? - I’m f*****g soaking”

Don't worry about the rumours that Santa has had to elf-isolate. Because of all the reindeer, he has herd immunity.

When I was a kid I use to get hit with a camera alot.... I still get flashbacks.

If Mr. and Mrs. Bigger had a baby boy, of the three of them, who would be the biggest ?
The baby. He would be a little Bigger.

Proctologists reassure patients that their problems can be 'rectified'.

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino, but after four weeks, they still hadn’t been delivered. I called them up to see what was going on...

Turns out, they were still dealing with my order…

What is the best girlfriend for a computer geek?
One that turns his software into hardware.

"I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not." ~Fran Lebowitz

When I die I’d like the word Humble to be written,

On my statue.

What do Santa’s elves listen to when they are working? .......Wrap music

The early bird gets the worm. But the second mouse gets the cheese.

Me: Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Her: No
Me: Well I'm not going to spread it.

If you see someone doing a crossword, lean over and say: "7up is Lemonade!"

Yesterday I was feeling a little cheesy, today Im feeling gouda.

Why does Mozart hate chickens?

All they talk about is "Bach, Bach, Bach"

Did you hear about the new Italian restaurant that just opened in the afterlife?

It's called Pasta Way.

My friend was really proud of his heritage until he found out that his great grandfather was from Transylvania.

Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.

Did you hear about the depressed Swede?

He wished he'd never been Bjorn!

"Prefiero ser loco y feliz que ser normal y amargado." Bob Marley

Had a rabbit stew. I didn't complain about the hare in my soup.

I took my wife to a fancy dress party last night dressed as a Exhaust Pipe..
She was Fuming..

Tips on how to fall asleep in a chair. . . . . 1 be old. 2 sit in a chair.

What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married ?

Feyonce.

I had a hen that could count her own eggs 🥚
Turns out she was a
Mathemachicken

While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body, but men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.

Orions belt is a real waist of space...

I know this is a bad joke. I only give it 3 stars

Dad: What annoys you most, son?
Son: Nouns.
Dad: Nouns???
Son: Yeah...People, Places & Things.

Dad: What annoys you most, son?
Son: Nouns.
Dad: Nouns???
Son: Yeah...People, Places & Things.

The Flat Earth Society has just announced that they have members all around the Globe.

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work?
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

a doctor doctoring another doctor is a paradox.

I left my first girlfriend because she just wouldn’t stop counting.
I often wonder what she’s up to now.

If I had to rate our solar system I’d give it one star.

2 years ago the doctor told me I was going deaf.

I haven’t heard from him
Since.

I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.

My sister has a severe nut allergy...

She's a lesbian!

I came home drunk last night and didn't want to wake anyone up so I just stuck two French pancakes to my feet and crêped up the stairs!

The internet connection in my farm is really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable wifi.

I was going to put my slices of meat on the top shelf of the fridge but the steaks were too high.

Her: I love a man with an accent.
Me: Óh rêálly?

-¿Cuanto tardas en bañarte?

-Cinco canciones y media.

I went to my sex addicts class this morning. My councilor thinks l've come a long way. She believes this is because l no longer see women as mere sex objects and can appreciate them as equals...

Sounds like she's after a good shag if you ask me!

По статистике вегетарианцы живут дольше. Вот вы сейчас смеётесь над веганом, а потом он придет на вашу могилу и съест все цветы.

“Is it ok if I finish off a few days early this Christmas?”
I asked my boss.

“No it isn’t” he shouted. “Put your Santa beard back on and get inside the grotto, there’s a line of kids waiting to see you.”

—Mamá, ¿tú querías niño o niña?

—Yo solo quería ver la película en casa de tu papá.

Yesterday I gave some of my food to a beggar,
Today he gave me a book called 'how to cook'.

Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.

I think my plant is sick.
It's looking a little bit green.

What do you call a guy with a plant fetish?
A Weed Whacker.

What do you call the argument between two vegans?
A plant-based beef.

A tree that I planted years ago became sick and looked like dying.
So i dug around it to get to the root of the problem.

My grandma was known all over town for her delicious strawberries. She made me promise that when she died I would plant strawberries over her grave so that everyone could visit her and enjoy them. I fulfilled her wish.
She’s dead and berried.

Plant based cure for COVID-19.
Plant your butt at home.

What position does a baby plant serve in the army?
Infant tree.

I heard pornhub plant a tree for every 100 videos watched.
I guess I’m gonna “single handedly” save the planet then.

So I started cultivating a plant with my ex gf before she broke up with me for this other dude
Oh well, guess it’s his-tree now.

How can you tell an unidentified plant in your garden is a weed?
Try to pull it out. If it comes out easily, it's not a weed.

Why do hackers grow their plants with hydroponics?
To get root access.

I like to plant my herbs in alphabetical order
People often ask : "how do you find the time?:

So I say : "it's right there next to the sage"

What kind of plant contains every known element?
A chemis-tree.

Do you know why you can't water indoor plants in Russia?
Because it's bad for microphones.

What do you say to someone too scared to plant apples ?
Grow a pear.