Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Has anybody heard of the guy who passed out in the middle of oncoming traffic? yeah, he was tired.

I said to my pregnant wife push darling , come on push harder dear , no she wasn’t giving birth the bloody car would not start .

My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Aparently that’s where most accidents happen.

Yo mama so dumb. She sold her car for gas money.
Yo mama so poor the ducks throw bread at her.

Robin: The cars not working.
Batman: Did you check the battery?
Robin: Whats a tery ?

A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds “Oh. I’m terribly sorry. You see, I’m so gay I can’t even park straight.”

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident
An amputation.

Why did the snail paint a big “S” on his car? Because he wanted people to say look at that S car go when he rolled by.

New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell they come with an Elon Musk.

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

A boy and his mother survived a car crash. The boy asks his mother “Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?” The mother replies with “More like an accident.”

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad!

Why do chicken coops have only two doors?
If they had four, they would be chicken sedans.

What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?
Automobile.

What’s a car’s favorite meal?
Brake-fast.

What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes.

Where do dogs park their cars?
In the barking lot.

What do you get when you cross a Mustang and an elephant?
A convertible with a big trunk.

Why are pigs bad drivers?
They hog the road!

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together ?
Carpet.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.

What do you call a used car salesman?
A car-deal-ologist.

Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul truck?
He wanted to bust a move.

What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Want to go for a spin.

What part of the car is the laziest?
The wheels, because they are always tired.

What do you say to a frog who needs a ride?
Hop in.

What’s the difference between BMWs and Porcupines?
Porcupines carry their pricks on the outside.

Why can’t motorcycles hold themselves up?
Because they are two-tired.

I ran my Subi into a lake.
Now it’s a Scubaru.

What kind of petrol does Vin use?
Diesel.

What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?
A Fjord Escort.

When the musician got in a car accident, his guitar was destroyed.
The accident was a Fender bender.

My relationship with my chauffeur just isn’t going anywhere.
It feels like he’s always trying to drive me away.

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt.
Then it clicked.

What kind of car does a dog hate?
CorVETS.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree…
And found out how the Mercedes bends.

What snakes are found on cars?
Windshield vipers.

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

How is a golf ball different from a Chevy?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?
The Old Volks home.

What kind of car does a snake drive?
An Ana-Honda.

Who can drive all their customers away and still make money?
Taxi drivers.

What kind of cars do cooks drive?
Chef-rolets.

What kind of car does yoda drive?
A toyoda.

When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.

What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.

How do you know when there's a drummer at the door? He doesn't know when to come in.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

Be careful on the roads this year... many men are getting extremely drunk .... and allowing their wives to drive .....

My wife and I had a big argument last night.
She called me gullible and financially irresponsible!

Wait until she hears I've won the Nigerian lottery...

С женского форума в инете:
- Я анальный секс никогда не пробовала, и больше не буду пробовать...

i hate lying to my parents
but
it's for their own good.

Life is never fair. And perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not. ~Oscar Wilde

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. : Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

— Девушка, а вы знаете — мои интеллектуальные и сексуальные возможности практически не ограничены.
— Да, мне об этом уже говорили.
— Ну и что вам сказали?
— Да, так и сказали: «Не связывайся с этим идиотом, он уже всех заебал»

My school was sponsored by IKEA.
Assembly took ages.

I stopped for a bite to eat last night at a posh burger van.

It had 4 Michelin tyres...

How do pickles celebrate their birthday? They relish the moment.

Pieces of popcorn always have the best birthdays. Why? Because they're always popping!

How does the cat celebrate its birthday? By turning up the mewsic.

What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake.

What did the elephant want for his birthday? A trunk full of gifts.

What does a turtle do on his birthday? He shell-a-brates!

Don't get weird about getting older! Age is simply the number of years the world has been enjoying us!

What did one candle say to the other? "Don't birthdays just burn you up?"

What does every birthday end with? The letter Y!

Birthdays are natures way of telling us to eat more cake.

Why do candles love birthdays so much? They just wanna get lit!

Birthdays are nice and all, but I think too many can kill you!

Age is a relative thing. All my relatives keep reminding me how old I am.

Wine improves with age. We improve with wine.

After much dithering a woman summons the courage to ring her friend and sing Happy Birthday to her over the phone.

Half-way through her rendition she realises she’s rung the wrong number.

“Why didn’t you stop me when you realise it was a wrong number,” she asks the lady on the other end of the phone.

“You need all the practice you can get!”

Man to wife, “Blow out your candles and make a wish”.

The wife does but a look of disappointment crosses her face.

“What’s the matter,” he asks.

“My wish didn’t work.” she replies.

“How do you know already?” he enquires.

“You’re still here.”

A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.

She rejects them all.

“Well you tell me what you want then.”

“I want a divorce.” she replies.

“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

Man wakes up and says nothing. Wife annoyed shouts, “You’ve forgotten what day it is haven’t you.”

Man goes to work and confides to a colleague, “I think I forgot my wife’s birthday.”

“Not a problem,” he replies. Just go out and buy her a beautiful new dress and a pearl necklace.”

After work the man races home and showers his wife with gifts.

“Oh darling,” she replies, “ what a beautiful new outfit to pick my mother up from the airport in.”

A man gives his wife an expensive bottle of wine for her birthday. After a few glasses the wife blurts out, “I love you”.
The husband responds: “Is that you or the wine talking.”
Wife: “This is me, I’m talking to the wine”.

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”

So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.