Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

People with hairless heads have problems. You cannot pretend that the hair you find in food is your own.

I am not saying my friend's losing his hair, but lice are starting to picket about deforestation.

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Who's is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

I offered Mariah Carey anything she wanted from the auction catalogue as a seasonal gift.
She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas...”

A man in a pub goes to the toilet. As he's drying his hands the dryer tells him how ugly he is. He walks back to the bar and a bowl of peanuts starts telling him how handsome and intelligent he is...

The barman said, "The dryers out of order and the peanuts are complimentary!"

After 7 years of medical training and hard work, my friend has been struck off the register.

He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves. What a waste of time, training and money.

A nice guy and an absolutely brilliant vet!

"The piano
is a monster
that screams when you touch its teeth."
⁻ᴬⁿᵈʳᵉˢ ˢᵉᵍᵒᵛᶦᵃ

I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.' What do they want, a medal?

I saw a sign that said falling rocks, so I tried and it doesn’t.

Had a first date last night with a lovely lady dentist, it seemed to go Ok...She wants to see me again in 6 months

It’s so cold here that my kleptomaniac friend actually put his hands in his own pockets !

Never rest on your laurels.

They are uncomfortable, and it damages the foliage.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

I'll never forget my sons first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for the last 20 years?"

i only accept apologies in cash

My grandfather left me his antique globe in his will.
It means the world to me.

Cinderella has just been dropped from our local Ladies Rugby team - she kept running away from the ball.

Dear TAG heuer;
I’m pretty sure that if I end up 500 meters under water, I won’t need a watch anymore...

I hate people who use the same word twice in the same sentence. I mean .. enough is enough!!

Just got in a fight with Elton John...

I'm still standing.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much... It scared the hell out of me, so today I’ve decided never to read it again.

Jesus may not have been raised in a wealthy home, but He was born in a stable environment.

I’ve bought my wife a bucket with a rope attached for Christmas.

That will go down well...

On Christmas Eve last year I told the wife I was popping to the shops. She said, "While you’re there can you get some fairy liquid, detergent and some dishwasher tablets."

I said, "Can't you wait till tomorrow when you open your presents?"

Just because you were born in poverty, it doesn't mean that you'll be poor forever.
I was born in a hospital, yet I'm not a doctor.

me: I'm headed to my ’Panic Mechanic’

her: can’t you just say psychiatrist?

My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets.

She’ll be back when she’s hungry.

Tunnel building is boring.

My friend asked if I knew the difference between an Indian and African elephant.
I said "Yeah! one's an elephant."

My son’s new coach is a 7 foot tall former NBA star. He’s not a very good coach, but everyone still
looks up to him.

- Рабинович, в вашем резюме написано, что вы лауреат Нобелевской премии. Скажите, пожалуйста, а в какой области?
- В Херсонской.

I think they should put the Discovery channel on a different channel everyday...

Never interrupt someone concentrating on a difficult newspaper puzzle unless you're prepared to hear some cross words.

A lot of my exercise these days comes from shaking my head in disbelief.

It's better to wake up and pee than to pee and wake up!

Do heavy metal bands have a lead singer?

If you die high, do you just stay high as a ghost forever?

- Дайте презервативы.
- 18 есть?
- Показать?

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening.

They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted…

"Nobody move!"

At this time of year I love sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping mulled wine and listening to Christmas songs until I fall asleep...
Which is probably the reason I lost my job as a fireman!

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Why do I not like hot drinks?
It’s just not my cup of tea.

- Рабинович, а шо вы скажете за антисемитизм? Как вы себе это понимаете?
- Ну-у-у… Это когда о нас говорят без особого восторга.

If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a dartboard on a ceiling.

When the doc said
my prostate was healthy,
I was deeply touched.

Boomers: the stockings are hung with care

Gen X: the stockings are hung with ‘I don't care’

Millennials: *staring at phone* can you hang them for me?

—Mi amor, ten te compré esta ardillita.
—¡Ay, mi amor!, Te adoro.
—¿Teodoro?, ¡Es Alvin Pendeja!, ¡ALVIN!

I’ve got Two glove puppets going Free to anyone who can take them off my hands...

Did Adam & Eve have belly buttons? 🤔

I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” he replied, “I also like sausages.”

“Really?” I said, “You should come over to my house and see my collection.”

- Сашенька, несите дичь!
- Земля плоская.
- Спасибо, Саша.

I've bought my wife an alarm clock which uses swear words instead of a bell.

She's in for a rude awakening...

- ¿De qué trabaja tu hermana?
- Es lavandera
- No jodas, ¿de qué país?

Drinking coffee may reduce the chances of getting Alzheimer’s
Never heard that one before.

A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’
The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.

I only realised that I live in a bad neighbourhood when I paid my rent on time and the police came around the next day to ask where I got the money from.

- ¿De qué ha muerto, doctor?
- De fallo multiorgánico.
- ¡Qué cabrona! Conmigo los fingía…

On a scale of 1-10 you're a 9
and i am the 1 you need.

How is sex like a coffee shop?
The whip costs extra, but it's totally worth it.

Heard about the terrorists attack on the coffee shop?
100% arabica.

To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot.
I don’t know how you sleep at night.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"
I said ... "I drink it".

How do you pay for coffee in Russia?
With tsar bucks.

Why do brits stir coffee clockwise and italians do it anticlockwise?
To dissolve the sugar.

A man walks into a diner and orders a coffee without cream.
A moment later, the waitress returns and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"

The best thing about quitting coffee for good...
...is how great coffee tastes when you start drinking it again.

I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car.
Now everyone waves at me.

A man is arrested late at night for drinking coffee...
He was charged for resisting a rest.

Before coffee....Hating everybody.
After coffee.....Feeling great about hating everybody.

I like my men how I like my coffee...
Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

What currency can we use to buy coffee in space?
S T A R B U C K S.

A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.

A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?
Raw raw raw raw raw.

What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?
The ground floor.

Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee.
I really should move that mirror.

I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee…
Safe tea first, though.

What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?
“What’s Sumatra with you?”