Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why can't skeletons play church music?

Because they don't have any organs.

The movie 'Speed' didn’t have a director.

Because if speed had direction, it would have been called velocity.

What's a programmers favorite beat?

An algo-rhythm!

How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He 'misses' you.

На задание вставить буквы во фразе : «А Васька слушает, да е...т» пришло огромное количество неправильных ответов.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar - every time I have a pessimistic thought,I put in $. Currently it's half empty.

I've been suffering lately from hallucinations. I saw a doctor... there was no doctor.

What does a house wear?....
Address

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

After smoking weed for the first time I saw my father beating my dad .

How do you think the unthinkable?

Withe an itheberg!

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow....

I decorated the Christmas tree with my kids today. I had to cut them back down when they started crying though.

The lead singer from the Who is getting divorced. His wife said he committed a Daltrey!

Was banned from every football ground in the country for 12 months yesterday...

I forgot my wedding anniversary...

I came down stairs this morning and found my dog stuck on the fridge door.
I think he’s eaten the magnets again.

them: turn that frown upside down

me: uʍoɹɟ

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.

Mommy, why is daddy bald?
"Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"
The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked
"is that why you have a lot of hair?"

Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket?
Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

Getting bald isn't about losing hair, it is about getting more head.

After years of being bare, the idea of hair doesn't sound too bad. It's starting to grow on me.

Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

I wouldn't say I was going bald, but... When I asked my barber to cut my hair, he replied, "Which one?"

My wife is leaving me because I'm going bald. I'm not bothered though. It's hair loss.

I first noticed I was going bald when it was taking longer to wash my face!

Doctor, doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in? Yes, here is a paper bag!

What's the difference between a monkey, an orphan, a prince, and Bald Bill? A monkey has a hairy parent, an orphan has nary a parent, a prince is an heir apparent, and Bald Bill has no hair apparently.

Don't waste money on hair restorer. Just paint a series of little rabbits on your bald head. From a distance, they look like hares.

You are so bald, the reflection of your head is blinding people in India.

Women in my focus group say a bald-headed man is trustworthy. He has nothing to hide.

You're so bare. I can rub your head to see into the future.

Your head is so hairless that when you wear a poncho, you look like a broken c**dom.

You are so bare when you wear a turtle neck; you look like roll-on deodorant!

The best thing about being tall and bald is that people just think you are tall.

What do you call lice on a hairless head of a man? Homeless.

What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hairline.

When bald people wash their face, how far up do they go?

What if all bareheaded and bearded people really just have hair cut upside down?

I got my father's weak chin, receding hairline, and a big, hook nose. It was the strangest will reading I have ever attended.

People with hairless heads have problems. You cannot pretend that the hair you find in food is your own.

I am not saying my friend's losing his hair, but lice are starting to picket about deforestation.

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Who's is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

I offered Mariah Carey anything she wanted from the auction catalogue as a seasonal gift.
She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas...”

A man in a pub goes to the toilet. As he's drying his hands the dryer tells him how ugly he is. He walks back to the bar and a bowl of peanuts starts telling him how handsome and intelligent he is...

The barman said, "The dryers out of order and the peanuts are complimentary!"

After 7 years of medical training and hard work, my friend has been struck off the register.

He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves. What a waste of time, training and money.

A nice guy and an absolutely brilliant vet!

"The piano
is a monster
that screams when you touch its teeth."
⁻ᴬⁿᵈʳᵉˢ ˢᵉᵍᵒᵛᶦᵃ

I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.' What do they want, a medal?

I saw a sign that said falling rocks, so I tried and it doesn’t.

Had a first date last night with a lovely lady dentist, it seemed to go Ok...She wants to see me again in 6 months

It’s so cold here that my kleptomaniac friend actually put his hands in his own pockets !

Never rest on your laurels.

They are uncomfortable, and it damages the foliage.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

I'll never forget my sons first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for the last 20 years?"

i only accept apologies in cash

My grandfather left me his antique globe in his will.
It means the world to me.

Cinderella has just been dropped from our local Ladies Rugby team - she kept running away from the ball.

Dear TAG heuer;
I’m pretty sure that if I end up 500 meters under water, I won’t need a watch anymore...

I hate people who use the same word twice in the same sentence. I mean .. enough is enough!!

Just got in a fight with Elton John...

I'm still standing.

Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much... It scared the hell out of me, so today I’ve decided never to read it again.

Jesus may not have been raised in a wealthy home, but He was born in a stable environment.

I’ve bought my wife a bucket with a rope attached for Christmas.

That will go down well...

On Christmas Eve last year I told the wife I was popping to the shops. She said, "While you’re there can you get some fairy liquid, detergent and some dishwasher tablets."

I said, "Can't you wait till tomorrow when you open your presents?"

Just because you were born in poverty, it doesn't mean that you'll be poor forever.
I was born in a hospital, yet I'm not a doctor.

me: I'm headed to my ’Panic Mechanic’

her: can’t you just say psychiatrist?

My wife has left me because she says I treat her like one of my pets.

She’ll be back when she’s hungry.

Tunnel building is boring.

My friend asked if I knew the difference between an Indian and African elephant.
I said "Yeah! one's an elephant."

My son’s new coach is a 7 foot tall former NBA star. He’s not a very good coach, but everyone still
looks up to him.

- Рабинович, в вашем резюме написано, что вы лауреат Нобелевской премии. Скажите, пожалуйста, а в какой области?
- В Херсонской.

I think they should put the Discovery channel on a different channel everyday...

Never interrupt someone concentrating on a difficult newspaper puzzle unless you're prepared to hear some cross words.

A lot of my exercise these days comes from shaking my head in disbelief.

It's better to wake up and pee than to pee and wake up!

Do heavy metal bands have a lead singer?

If you die high, do you just stay high as a ghost forever?

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A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening.

They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted…

"Nobody move!"