Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What did the Teddy Bear say after blowing out his birthday candles?
No cake for me… I’m stuffed!

What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.

Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.

Why do we put candles on the top of birthday cakes?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom.

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.

What is it about birthdays that make kangaroos unhappy?
They only get to celebrate them in leap years.

What do you say to a kangaroo on its birthday?
Hoppy Birthday.

Who decided to call it “marijuana possession” …
And not “joint custody?”

"Almost everything will work again if you unplug it for a few minutes, including you." ― Anne Lamott

I had a Shepherd's pie for lunch today. He wasn't happy.

What do you call a hippie's wife? A Mississippi!

I said to my wife.. Don't you think your swimming costume is a bit too tight and revealing?? 😕

She said... Well wear your own then. 😳

An accountant friend of mine has borrowed six books now and not given any of them back. I think he’s a professional bookkeeper.

My biggest fear of side effects from covid vaccine is to start using Bing as the default search engine

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

When I had my son christened, the priest used the wrong type of font, so now he's a Times New Roman Catholic.

What do sprinters eat before a race?

Nothing, they fast.

My uncle with 2 wooden legs was caught in a fire and burned to the ground. The insurance said he didn't have a leg to stand on.

Local police were called to the park for reports of teenage skateboarders disobeying sidewalk rules. Their boards were confiSKATED pending arrival of their parents.

Why don't chicken breast have nipples?

I became a vegetarian recently.
Biggest missed steak of my life.

Самарский аэропорт нужно назвать имени Моне, а саратовский - имени Мане, а то задолбали уже путать эти города.

My wife texted me to say she changed her mind and didn’t want Starbucks, but by then it was two latte.

Took my young son to see Santa yesterday and he stank of booze and fags.

God knows what Santa thought...

"Todo llega para quien sabe esperar."

When I asked my 99 year old nana what she wanted for her birthday, she replied, “The best present I could ask for is to be surrounded by my friends.”
Well we’ve just got back from the cemetery and she doesn’t seem too happy.

- Papá, ¿De donde vienen los niños?
- Los trae la cigüeña, hijo
- ¿Y quien se la folla a la cigüeña?

Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter Egg a joke?
Because it might crack up.

What do you call a rabbit that tells good jokes?
A funny bunny.

I can’t believe I wanted to be an obstetrician…
I can’t even deliver a joke.

A Scottish man walks into a bar..
…There’s usually an Irishman & Englishman in this joke but they’re still at the Rugby World Cup.

A cornstalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Want to hear a joke?” The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

A panda, a cowboy, a man with a cat on his shoulder, and a time-traveller walk into a bar.
“What is this,” the bartender yells, “some kind of joke?”

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To avoid this lame and outdated joke.

Why did the chicken stop crossing the road?
It got tired of everyone making so many jokes.

Want to hear the joke about a staccato?
Never mind, it’s too short.

Wanna hear a joke about Sodium Hypobromite?
NaBro.

Poop jokes aren’t my favorite.
But they’re a solid number two.

Wanna hear a poop joke?
Nah, they always stink.

When is a joke a dad joke? When it's apparent!

What to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.

Wait, you don't want to hear a joke about potassium? K.

A communist joke isn't funny unless everyone gets it.

It's inappropriate to make a "dad joke" if you are not a dad. It's a faux pa.

Do you remember that joke I told you about my spine? It was about a weak back!

What do you call a farm that makes bad jokes? Corny!

My wife and kids are leaving me because of my horse racing addiction. And they're off....

What do we want?
Northern Ireland accents.
When do we want them?
NOY...

Dont say your life is a joke because jokes got meaning.

My wife might have covid. One of the symptoms is loss of taste and I caught her wearing socks with flipflops.

Teacher: I see you don't cut your hair any longer. Fred: No sir, I cut it shorter.

Life Pro Tip:
Don't ever put ducks in a cement mixer…

You'll get quacks in the pavement!

With Christmas coming up.. What do you give a man who has everything?

Antibiotics...

I used to be a professional boxer.
You may have heard of me, I was known as 'The Artist'.

I used to spend most of my time on the canvas.

I think it's a lovely tradition where people name their kids in honour of past members of the family.

My son Grandpa doesn't seem to agree though.

If anyone wants to come round and tell me why my heating bill is so high;

My door is always open.

Just found out who's been stealing my beetroot...

I caught them red handed!

I was telling my friend that I wasn’t having much luck in the girlfriend department.

He said I should try online dating then I can meet someone just like me.

I said I didn’t want to date a fat, bald man.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-Hey Bill, what the heck why are you wearing those ugly ass granny panties on your head?

-Well, John. I’ve seen a lot of hair growth happening for my wife ever since she started wearing these things.

When I saw an old friend from school, he asked why I was bald. I replied "cancer."
"Cancer?"

"Yeah I asked the barber if he could shave my head, and he 'I sure cancer!'"

I told this girl that people often tell me I could be Arnold Schwarzenegger's twin.
"I don't think so," she laughed, "You're fat, bald, don't work out, and are much too short!"

"I know.... Danny DeVito."

I like to play chess with old bald men in the park.
But it’s kind of hard to find 32 of them.

Why did the bald guy leave the wig shop without a wig?
because he forgot toupee.

My boyfriend asked me this evening if I would shave my pussy...
... He’s going to be royal pissed when he wakes up bald.

A bald guy killed all the barbers in my town.
Boy, that was a hair raising tragedy.

As a bald man, I don't like these jokes about wigs...
they go over my head.

What's the difference between a bald englishman and a bald scotsman?
The englishman buys himself a hat while the scotsman sells his comb.

I made fun of fat men and I became fat
I teased the bald men and I became bald. Now I only make fun of the rich.

I went for a job as a blacksmith, they asked “Have you ever shoed a horse..?”

I replied “No, but I once told a donkey to bugger off”

I love that song "🎶What is love"

That singer really Haddaway with words.

My wife completed an intense, 40 week body building program earlier today.

It's a girl!!! She weighs 9lbs 12 oz.

I went to the doctor this morning with a snooker ball stuck in my ear. The receptionist told me to wait at the end of the cue.

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

Why can't skeletons play church music?

Because they don't have any organs.

The movie 'Speed' didn’t have a director.

Because if speed had direction, it would have been called velocity.

What's a programmers favorite beat?

An algo-rhythm!

How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He 'misses' you.

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