Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

This year I plan on being a Christmas pudding.
Small, round, drenched in alcohol and disliked by most people.

Do you know who really makes me sick?
People who try to stick their fingers down my throat.

I've got several great jokes about my kids being adopted.
But I can never find a good time to tell them.

How do you know if someone is hitchhiking or just complimenting your driving?

I work to buy a car to go to work.

Get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

A dad is washing the car with his son. After a moment, the son asks his father, "Do you think we could use a sponge instead?"

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

What time is it when you get hit by a car?
Time to die.

Boy: why is my sister named Rose ?
Dad: someone threw a rose out of a car and it hit her in the head.
Boy: okay Dad
Dad: No problem Brick

What does a car have when its very itchy?
A road rash.

- ¿Por qué no estáis juntos?
- Porque ella come amigos
- ¿Como que come amigos?
- Sí, me dijo "te quiero pero como amigos"

My wife has left me because of my obsession with Battleships.
It’s never happened B4.

What car does Hitler drive?
A fuhrerri.

How come when women decide to kill their unborn baby its a “choice”. But when I decide to drive my car into a playground full of children its called “murder” ?

What’s the difference between my car and a hooker?
I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.

What did the traffic light say to the car ?
Don’t look I’m about to change

whats a car’s favorite place to hang out?
a CARnival.

Why did the skunk sleep under a car?
Because he wanted to wake up oily.

A truck carrying vicks vaporub overturned on the highway, amazingly there was no congestion for 8 hours strait.

How do you get 500 dead baby’s into a car? A blender.
How do you get 500 dead baby’s out of a car? A straw.

My favorite sex position is the JFK. I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Has anybody heard of the guy who passed out in the middle of oncoming traffic? yeah, he was tired.

I said to my pregnant wife push darling , come on push harder dear , no she wasn’t giving birth the bloody car would not start .

My parents told me I was born on the highway.
Aparently that’s where most accidents happen.

Yo mama so dumb. She sold her car for gas money.
Yo mama so poor the ducks throw bread at her.

Robin: The cars not working.
Batman: Did you check the battery?
Robin: Whats a tery ?

A police officer writes a ticket for a car not being parked correctly. The driver asks why. When he realizes he is parked poorly, he responds “Oh. I’m terribly sorry. You see, I’m so gay I can’t even park straight.”

What did Jenny get for her birthday after a car accident
An amputation.

Why did the snail paint a big “S” on his car? Because he wanted people to say look at that S car go when he rolled by.

New Teslas don’t come with a new car smell they come with an Elon Musk.

“Hey today was great” “What happened” “I ran into my ex today” “What’s so great about that?” “I was in my car”

A boy and his mother survived a car crash. The boy asks his mother “Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?” The mother replies with “More like an accident.”

Confucius say, man who runs behind car will get exhausted, but man who runs in front of car will get tired.

What happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad!

Why do chicken coops have only two doors?
If they had four, they would be chicken sedans.

What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?
Automobile.

What’s a car’s favorite meal?
Brake-fast.

What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?
Crashed potatoes.

Where do dogs park their cars?
In the barking lot.

What do you get when you cross a Mustang and an elephant?
A convertible with a big trunk.

Why are pigs bad drivers?
They hog the road!

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together ?
Carpet.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.

What do you call a used car salesman?
A car-deal-ologist.

Why did the cop pull over the U-Haul truck?
He wanted to bust a move.

What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Want to go for a spin.

What part of the car is the laziest?
The wheels, because they are always tired.

What do you say to a frog who needs a ride?
Hop in.

What’s the difference between BMWs and Porcupines?
Porcupines carry their pricks on the outside.

Why can’t motorcycles hold themselves up?
Because they are two-tired.

I ran my Subi into a lake.
Now it’s a Scubaru.

What kind of petrol does Vin use?
Diesel.

What do you call a Norwegian prostitute?
A Fjord Escort.

When the musician got in a car accident, his guitar was destroyed.
The accident was a Fender bender.

My relationship with my chauffeur just isn’t going anywhere.
It feels like he’s always trying to drive me away.

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt.
Then it clicked.

What kind of car does a dog hate?
CorVETS.

A man drove his expensive car into a tree…
And found out how the Mercedes bends.

What snakes are found on cars?
Windshield vipers.

What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
Tyrannosaurus wrecks.

What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.

How is a golf ball different from a Chevy?
You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.

Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?
The Old Volks home.

What kind of car does a snake drive?
An Ana-Honda.

Who can drive all their customers away and still make money?
Taxi drivers.

What kind of cars do cooks drive?
Chef-rolets.

What kind of car does yoda drive?
A toyoda.

When is a car not a car?
When it turns into a driveway.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.

What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.

How do you know when there's a drummer at the door? He doesn't know when to come in.

Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!

Be careful on the roads this year... many men are getting extremely drunk .... and allowing their wives to drive .....

My wife and I had a big argument last night.
She called me gullible and financially irresponsible!

Wait until she hears I've won the Nigerian lottery...

С женского форума в инете:
- Я анальный секс никогда не пробовала, и больше не буду пробовать...

i hate lying to my parents
but
it's for their own good.

Life is never fair. And perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not. ~Oscar Wilde

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup. : Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."