Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
Déjà brew.

How does one bad cup of coffee end a marriage?
One person think its grounds for divorce.

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.
I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?
Because according to the Torah, He Brews!

Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.

Why do they call coffee mud?
Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee?
A brewhaha.

How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java!

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.

What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.

What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
Mugging!

What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!

Where do birds go for coffee?
To the NESTcafe.

If the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!

How is divorce like espresso?
It’s expensive and bitter.

How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his victims—all ground up.

How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.

- Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
- That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

What’s the best Beatles song?
Latte Be!

What do you call sad coffee?
Despresso.

Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Very, very seriously.

I really hate being at the airport and seeing everyone else has trendier luggage than me.
It's a real worst case scenario.

I hate snakes and worms because they have no feet...
You could say I'm lacktoes intolerant!

Not all goodbyes are sad. Example: "Goodbye class".

Difference between school and life: School teaches you lessons, and then gives you a test. Life gives you a test, and you learn the lessons.

Did you hear about the seafood restaurant that will give you calamari in exchange for money?

They practice *squid pro quo*.

What do you call a hen that’s good at arithmetic?

A mathamachicken.

How rude of you to listen in, when I'm talking to myself.

Don't count the number of friends you have, but the number of friends you can count on.

Just been for a job interview..
Interviewer asked me if I could perform under pressure...

I said... yes of course I can.. and I also do an excellent version of Bohemian Rhapsody too..

I went to see a plastic surgeon and he gave me a huge dick...

My arse still hurts but I've never looked younger!

— У меня так вкусно пахнет туалетная бумага!
— Эм... до? или после?

“Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living. Talking is often a torment for me, and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words.”
—Carl Jung

If anyone’s wondering how the future of humanity is going, my 3 year old grandson can unlock my iPhone but still can’t figure out what a spoon is for.

I bought a smart TV.
It doesn't show Trump.

I met my wife at a speed dating event.

She said, "what the hell are you doing here?"

If there's anyone out there home alone on Christmas day please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs.

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.
But now I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

Hoping my mate's girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before the 25th December...

No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas.

Te ven bostezando y te preguntan:
- ¿TENES SUEÑO?
-No, estoy cantando ópera en silencio.

—Los guapos empezamos a beber desde los jueves.

—¡Pero si hoy es miércoles!

—¡Se llama pre-copeo, PRE-COPEO!

If people are trying to bring you down, it usually means you are above them.

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

True love doesn't care about the look, or the size of your wallet. It is all about what is inside .... the wallet.

I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.

"Come on, you stupid cow!" I shouted. "Get a bloody move on!"

She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!

- Я не могу заниматься сексом без чувств.
- Но отвращение это тоже чувство.

The man who founded Google has been knighted.
He is now known as Sir Chengine.

Наличие чувства юмора помогает легче пережить отсутствие всего остального.

I asked this girl at work why she's still dating a scruffy homeless bloke who thinks he's Elvis...
She replied, "I'm courting a tramp, I can't walk out!!..”

My kids want a dog for Xmas, but I've told them that is barbaric and we will be having a turkey like everyone else.

A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.

I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.

- Te dejo porque eres un veleta
- ¡Puedo cambiar!

I went to a terrible ‘Shoe Repairers Christmas Reunion Party’ last night...
Load of old cobblers...

If my memory gets any worse....I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.

Although Jesus was known as a carpenter. He never actually sang on any of their albums.

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Who is the director of the first wireless movie?

Christopher NoLAN.

After an explosion at a Japanese car parts factory, it was reported that it was raining Datsun cogs.

I was listening to Nazareth while driving a very nice hire car. Love Hertz.

Does anyone have any pictures of armoured vehicles moving forward in a line?
Tanks in advance.

Not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you. I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and feel fine.

People who drill for water are well boring...

Why did the crab cross the road? He didn't. He used the sidewalk.

I've been reading a book on pig anatomy.

To be honest, It was all pretty standard until I got to the end....

then there was a twist in the tail.....

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.

I can't believe what a lucky guy I am...
First I win the lottery and then my ex wife calls to say she wants us to get back together.

Why does George W Bush hate math so much? Because of the Al Gore ithms.

My ex gf was so thin, she only weighed about ninety pounds, I had to buy a single bed so I could sleep next to her.

“We think we understand the rules when we become adults but what we really experience is a narrowing of the imagination.”
(David Lynch)

A woman goes to the psychiatrists carrying a duck under her arm. “What seems to be the problem?” Asked the psychiatrist. “Well it’s not me with the problem.” Said the woman, “it’s my husband, he thinks he’s a duck.”

me: i just opened a steak restaurant

friend: well done

me: yah that’s one of the options

- Спасибо тебе, Оля, за фотку! Я теперь хоть знаю, какие мне девушки нравятся...
- Ну и какие же?
- Все остальные.

My dad just asked me, “Do you believe in ghosts?” Bit of a daft question seeing as he’s been dead ten years.

What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't you wok away from me.

If the fifth month was removed from the calendar, would people feel dismayed?

Gave my depressed friend a "JUST DO IT " t-shirt .
Haven't seen him since

My wife Jo recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Jo lean, Jo lean, Jo lean, Jo lean...