Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A Macaroni, a Penne and a Spaghetti were drinking wine in a bar one evening.

They saw a noodle sitting by himself and discussed inviting him to join them.

They all agreed he looked Cannelloni.

An armed man ran into a real estate agency and shouted…

"Nobody move!"

At this time of year I love sitting in front of a roaring fire, sipping mulled wine and listening to Christmas songs until I fall asleep...
Which is probably the reason I lost my job as a fireman!

Which is faster, hot or cold?

Hot, because you can catch a cold.

Why do I not like hot drinks?
It’s just not my cup of tea.

- Рабинович, а шо вы скажете за антисемитизм? Как вы себе это понимаете?
- Ну-у-у… Это когда о нас говорят без особого восторга.

If there's one thing that makes me throw up, it's a dartboard on a ceiling.

When the doc said
my prostate was healthy,
I was deeply touched.

Boomers: the stockings are hung with care

Gen X: the stockings are hung with ‘I don't care’

Millennials: *staring at phone* can you hang them for me?

—Mi amor, ten te compré esta ardillita.
—¡Ay, mi amor!, Te adoro.
—¿Teodoro?, ¡Es Alvin Pendeja!, ¡ALVIN!

I’ve got Two glove puppets going Free to anyone who can take them off my hands...

Did Adam & Eve have belly buttons? 🤔

I said to my psychiatrist, “My wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”

“I don’t think you’re crazy,” he replied, “I also like sausages.”

“Really?” I said, “You should come over to my house and see my collection.”

- Сашенька, несите дичь!
- Земля плоская.
- Спасибо, Саша.

I've bought my wife an alarm clock which uses swear words instead of a bell.

She's in for a rude awakening...

- ¿De qué trabaja tu hermana?
- Es lavandera
- No jodas, ¿de qué país?

Drinking coffee may reduce the chances of getting Alzheimer’s
Never heard that one before.

A man says to his waiter, ‘Excuse me sir, this coffee is cold’
The waiter replies, ‘Thanks for telling me. I’ll make a note on the bill. Iced coffee is one Euro more’.

I only realised that I live in a bad neighbourhood when I paid my rent on time and the police came around the next day to ask where I got the money from.

- ¿De qué ha muerto, doctor?
- De fallo multiorgánico.
- ¡Qué cabrona! Conmigo los fingía…

On a scale of 1-10 you're a 9
and i am the 1 you need.

How is sex like a coffee shop?
The whip costs extra, but it's totally worth it.

Heard about the terrorists attack on the coffee shop?
100% arabica.

To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot.
I don’t know how you sleep at night.

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"
I said ... "I drink it".

How do you pay for coffee in Russia?
With tsar bucks.

Why do brits stir coffee clockwise and italians do it anticlockwise?
To dissolve the sugar.

A man walks into a diner and orders a coffee without cream.
A moment later, the waitress returns and says, "I'm sorry, but we're all out of cream. Would you mind taking your coffee without milk?"

The best thing about quitting coffee for good...
...is how great coffee tastes when you start drinking it again.

I was lonely until I glued a coffee cup on top of my car.
Now everyone waves at me.

A man is arrested late at night for drinking coffee...
He was charged for resisting a rest.

Before coffee....Hating everybody.
After coffee.....Feeling great about hating everybody.

I like my men how I like my coffee...
Extremely hot and capable of severely injuring my throat.

People ask me if I wake up grumpy in the morning
No, I say. I just bring him some coffee.

What currency can we use to buy coffee in space?
S T A R B U C K S.

A guy walks into a cafe and orders a coffee to go.
The coffee gets up and leaves.

A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drinks coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”

What kind of sugar does Lady Gaga use in her coffee?
Raw raw raw raw raw.

What do you call the first level of a coffee factory?
The ground floor.

Every morning, I see this exhausted woman who looks like she would murder someone for a cup of coffee.
I really should move that mirror.

I’m about to have a dangerous cup of coffee…
Safe tea first, though.

What did the Brazilian coffee say to the Indonesian coffee?
“What’s Sumatra with you?”

A factory worker died today after falling into a vat of coffee. Police say that although it came as a shock to all who knew him, they may take some relief from the fact he didn’t suffer.
It was instant.

What’s the technical name for a pot of coffee at work?
Break fluid.

What do you call it when you walk into a cafe you’re sure you’ve been to before?
Déjà brew.

How does one bad cup of coffee end a marriage?
One person think its grounds for divorce.

Someone stole my coffee cup from work today.
I’m just off down the police station now to look at a few mug shots.

Why are all Jewish men required to make a good cup of coffee?
Because according to the Torah, He Brews!

Why are Italians so good at making coffee?
Because they know how to espresso themselves.

Why do they call coffee mud?
Because it was ground a couple of minutes ago.

What do you call it when cafe customers joke about their coffee?
A brewhaha.

How does a tech guy drink coffee?
He installs Java!

Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.

What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.

What’s it called when you steal someone’s coffee?
Mugging!

What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!

Where do birds go for coffee?
To the NESTcafe.

If the local coffee shop has awarded you “Employee of the Month” and you don’t even work there, you may be drinking too much coffee.

What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!

How is divorce like espresso?
It’s expensive and bitter.

How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his victims—all ground up.

How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.

What did the caffeine addict name his cats?
Cream and Sugar.

How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.

- Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt.
- That’s not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.

What’s the best Beatles song?
Latte Be!

What do you call sad coffee?
Despresso.

Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Very, very seriously.

I really hate being at the airport and seeing everyone else has trendier luggage than me.
It's a real worst case scenario.

I hate snakes and worms because they have no feet...
You could say I'm lacktoes intolerant!

Not all goodbyes are sad. Example: "Goodbye class".

Difference between school and life: School teaches you lessons, and then gives you a test. Life gives you a test, and you learn the lessons.

Did you hear about the seafood restaurant that will give you calamari in exchange for money?

They practice *squid pro quo*.

What do you call a hen that’s good at arithmetic?

A mathamachicken.

How rude of you to listen in, when I'm talking to myself.

Don't count the number of friends you have, but the number of friends you can count on.

Just been for a job interview..
Interviewer asked me if I could perform under pressure...

I said... yes of course I can.. and I also do an excellent version of Bohemian Rhapsody too..

I went to see a plastic surgeon and he gave me a huge dick...

My arse still hurts but I've never looked younger!

— У меня так вкусно пахнет туалетная бумага!
— Эм... до? или после?

“Solitude is for me a fount of healing which makes my life worth living. Talking is often a torment for me, and I need many days of silence to recover from the futility of words.”
—Carl Jung