Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My dog’s getting slow in his old age. He’s just brought me yesterdays newspaper

I met my wife at a bus stop.

We got on immediately.

Сельскaя учительницa никaк не моглa решить, зa кого же ей выйти зaмуж: зa директорa школы или зa трaктористa. С одной стороны быстрый кaрьерный рост, a другой без трaкторa хрен до школы доберёшься.

I went to the garden centre earlier and bought a Christmas tree.

The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fucker. I'll be putting it up in my living room!"

I've just found out why David Hasselhoff change his name to "The Hoff"

Apparently, he just couldn't be bothered with the hassle!

—Mamá, ¿Cuál de las amigas que te presenté, crees que es mi prometida?.
—La de negro.
—¡Wow! ¿Y cómo lo supiste?
— Fue la que me cayó mal.

Christmas movie tip: watch ‘Die Hard’ after ‘Love Actually’ to see Alan Rickman get punished for what he did to Emma Thompson...

Juventus weren't worried about Ronaldo catching the Coronavirus as they knew there was no chance of him passing it to a teammate.

Upgrading to the latest version of Microsoft Office can cure your depression.
It really improves your Outlook.

Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed.
Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

How does an electrician cure depression?
He uses shock therapy.

You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.

Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.

Why did the depressed person put his booze in the elevator?
He wanted something to lift his spirits.

Matt Damon is severely depressed because he keeps getting typecast as an action hero.
He sometimes wishes he’d never been Bourne.

Why did he come home looking depressed after the doctor said he needed to take a pill everyday for the rest of his life ?
The Doctor only gave him 4 !

Viagra is the worst medicine for depression.
Because everything will get only harder.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.

Experts warn that all this social distancing is causing a lot of stress, anxiety, and depression.
The Flat Earth Society is especially worried. They think their members might be driven over the edge.

How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.

Why do depressed people make the best jokes?
Cause they’re already dad inside.

Why did the chicken with depression cross the road?
To apply to KFC.

I heard all the hair stylists are suffering from depression due to unemployment.
They just want to like, dye.

My doctor recently prescribed me some anti-gravity pills for my depression.
They have been extremely up lifting.

My medicine makes me depressed
It's a sadative.

Gravity is really depressing.
It's always bringing everyone down.

Why was the Calendar so depressed?
He knew his days were numbered.

Why was the circle depressed?
She thought its life was pointless.

I get depressed if I don’t play video games.
I always need to console myself.

A guy couldn’t get out of his bed in the morning because of depression. Then the depression woke up and said:
-Honey are you awake?

Q- Why was the little strawberry crying?
A - His mom was in a jam.

Suicide is never the answer. Suicide is the question .The answer is yes )))

If you drop an emo and a piece of paper from a tree which will hit the ground first?
The piece of oaper because the rope will stop the emo.

Sometimes i get jealous when my phone dies.

Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly dissapointing.

Why can’t depressed people leave the maze?
Because their lives are the walls and they are to scared to meet the exit.

A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. “One more picture and I’ll jump.” He takes another photo and shuts the window. “I can’t jump, you’re not supposed to throw trash out the window.”

I can measure the speed of an object. Because I want to km/s.

I’m like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.

What do depressed people and apple’s have in common?
They both hang from trees.

Are you suicide ? Cause you’re always on my mind.

You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

Are you a toaster? Bc I want to take a bath with you.

There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope…

Whats a depressed persons favorite drink ?
Depresso expresso.

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide” The librarian replies, “No,you won’t give it back”

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

"Dad, what's a preposition?"
"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."

Ignore the vegans... they are just hungry. :)

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash.

Eyeronic.

Dont be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Me: I would like a unicorn for Christmas.
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: OK. I want to lose 15lbs, be slim, beautiful and travel.
Santa: What colour unicorn do you want?

I bought a Christmas tree that was far too big to get in the car, so I had to cut the top off.
Didn't really mind, I've always wanted a convertible.

I asked the librarian If they had any books on different Noise levels.
The librarian says, "Sure, what volume would you like?".

My copy of Timothy Dalton’s, James Bond movie was stolen. If I ever catch the guy, I’ll beat the living daylights out of him.

I was showing my doctor the rash on my bum today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn’t want to look at it, he just told me to make an appointment at the surgery on Monday and walked off pushing his shopping trolley with his wife.

My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world...
I’m not buying it...

My boyfriend accused me of being a stalker.
Well technically he's not my boyfriend yet.

If you get a link called Justin Bieber Sings Christmas Carols, DO NOT OPEN IT...
It's a link to Justin Bieber Sings Christmas Carols!

There's a urinary side effect to the new Pfizer vaccine. It makes your p silent.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.

A Guy picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions.
It turns out to be a book on chess!

- Как вы относитесь к ceксу?
- Да я ему жизнью обязан!

Режиссёр орёт на актёра : "Сколько раз тебе нужно говорить, что не "я драчистый изумруд",а "ядра - чистый изумруд""

I went into a florist and said, "I'd like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend."

The florist says "Certainly, what is it you're after?"

I said, "Anal!"

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds
One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair
On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin
Meanwhile in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow
The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird
“I can’t take it anymore! We’ve got to get rid of all of these damn…”
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse
“Please dear,” she said, “Not in front of the chilled wren”

Child : Mom when i was made, did you want a boy or a girl?

Mom: I wanted to tie my shoelaces ...

When I visit the Turkish Baths, I must have the whole place to myself. I have selfish steam issues.

To prove he was right, the “Flat Earther” decided to walk to the end of the Earth. He eventually came around.

I made a chicken salad today.

That ungrateful bird didn't even eat it!

Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.

У пожилых женщин довольно часто бывают разные розы: артрозы, неврозы, склерозы…

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits!

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits!

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.

Right, get that condom on, she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what
they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement
over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector."

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says "Sorry we don't serve strings here."

He leaves, ties himself in a loop, messes up his hair and returns.

The bartender squints at him, "Hey aren't you a string?"

The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

I bet it was tricky for the person who discovered milk to explain what they were doing to the cow.