Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Villain: why is my calendar wrapped in Aluminium?

Superhero: I have foiled your plans.

I'm just not cut out for the dating world. The last time I was someone’s type...
I was donating blood...

I’m dating a gymnast.
She’s head over heels.

My friend's just told me that he's dating twins. I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart.
"Not at all." he said "It's really easy actually. Helen's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious.
She just asked me to move out with her.

My friend told me I’m dating a porn star. I said “no way”... He replied...
“Look at her, it’s all over her face”.

Online dating during Covid is like:
I'm dying to meet you.

Why do colourblind people suck at dating?
Because they fail to see the red flags in a relationship.

I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper.

What did the conjoined twins change their dating profile to after surgery?
Recently Separated.

What does Medusa have in her dating profile?
Beware: I'm drop dead gorgeous.

Dating is often like boxing...
You have to go for your weight class.

Why are racecar drivers the best people to go to for dating advice?
They're trained to look for red flags.

I started dating a stripper
I've been seeing a lot of her lately.

My daughter is now dating a bipolar adventurer
He really did visit both the North and the South poles, quite the guy!

What do you call it when meeting up with people from dating apps?
Playing with matches.

An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend:
Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment.

Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?

Why did the shark quit dating ?
Even though there are still many fish in the sea, he was netted into a relationship and got catfished.

Dating for men is like fishing.
There’s plenty of fish but until you catch one you’re stuck holding your rod.

I made a dating profile on Farmers Only
Because when it comes to women, I know how to a-tractor.

Dating these days as a Karen is hard, all of my dates act like teenagers.
What I is need is a MANager!

I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.
She's an animal in bed.

What do you call a dating app for sailors?
Dick Dock.

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.
They send me new matches every week.

Guys, I'm dating a lady firefighter tonight!
You think she might put out?

The guy I am dating has a phobia of people that randomly include clothes in sentences.
But overall, this shouldn't be an issue.

Bald Dating is a dating app for bald people that's completely free...
You don't have toupee.

I was dating an Optometrist, but finally needed to break up with her
She was sexy and had a great personality, but after a while she was just too annoying in bed.

She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this?... or like this?"

I once tried speed dating...
Turns out she wasn’t as into stimulants as I was...

Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?
Fucking nothing.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

You really should try archery while blindfolded.
You don't know what you're missing.

If you love someone, be brave enough to tell them. Otherwise, be brave enough to watch them loved by someone else.

What do you call a typo on a headstone?
A grave mistake.

—¿Nivel de inglés?
—Alto.
—Traduzca "pájaro".
—Bird.
—Úselo en una frase.
—Hapy bird day to you, hapy bird day to you!
—¡Largo de aquí!

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.

Cheese is just a loaf of milk.

People call me skeptical.

But I'm not sure I believe that.

How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
I don't know. Half an hour?

I can't believe how rude the suppository helpline was.

Идеальное соотношение цена-качество - это говно нахаляву.

Whenever my wife uses the phrase "I was thinking."

That means I either have to move, build, paint, or buy something.

Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. -The Swiss Army

Do you know what the opposite of lady fingers is?

Mentos.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? he sold his soul to Santa.. 😂

If you want a successful relationship then... make sure you have foreign key in second table

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can’t run.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working.

I bought a vacuum at a sex shop- it fuckin sucks!

I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo

It was great. She’s a keeper.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right & exercise
But that was 4 hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Sex is great and all, but have you tried it with another person?

All my passwords are protected...

...by amnesia.

Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler...

One of the seven dwarves has been arrested for having sex with a giraffe...

He said the other six put him up to it!

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy.
I'd have enough money to not need a job.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

People from the neighborhood were complaining that their mailman was being super lazy.
He was making all the babies, but the doctor was doing all of the deliveries.

Lazy people find the most strangest reasons not to do something.
I would make a list but, it's Monday and I just fed the cats.

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.
I nearly answered him.

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? - Oh Harry, that would be lovely! - Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

When I was married, I walked into my living room with a sheep under my arm... My lazy asss wife was sitting on the couch watching TV... I said “This is the pig that I f*ck when you’re not around...” She said “That’s not a pig, assshole, that’s a sheep...” I said “I was talking to the sheep...”:

What do you call a country full of lazy people?
A procrastination.

Lazy is a very strong word!
I prefer to call it Selective Participation.

How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?
I'll let you know tomorrow.

Facts About Lazy People #389479305784
You were too lazy to read that number...

I'm super lazy today....
Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

What did the lazy dentist say to his patient with crooked teeth?
Brace yourself.

Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted "YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY"
I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley!

I don't hate lazy people anymore.
Found someone else who does it for me.

I figured out why lazy people are going to love self-driving cars.
It's because they have no drive.

Say what you will about Americans being fat and lazy...
but active shooters are always determined, dedicated, and in shape.

My lazy neighbor is retiring and joining a nudist colony...
...he said he just wanted a place where he could hang out.

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy.
I loved that wheelchair.

If I had to describe myself in 3 words.
lazy.