Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

With Christmas coming up.. What do you give a man who has everything?

Antibiotics...

I used to be a professional boxer.
You may have heard of me, I was known as 'The Artist'.

I used to spend most of my time on the canvas.

I think it's a lovely tradition where people name their kids in honour of past members of the family.

My son Grandpa doesn't seem to agree though.

If anyone wants to come round and tell me why my heating bill is so high;

My door is always open.

Just found out who's been stealing my beetroot...

I caught them red handed!

I was telling my friend that I wasn’t having much luck in the girlfriend department.

He said I should try online dating then I can meet someone just like me.

I said I didn’t want to date a fat, bald man.

Women will never be equal to men...
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

-Hey Bill, what the heck why are you wearing those ugly ass granny panties on your head?

-Well, John. I’ve seen a lot of hair growth happening for my wife ever since she started wearing these things.

When I saw an old friend from school, he asked why I was bald. I replied "cancer."
"Cancer?"

"Yeah I asked the barber if he could shave my head, and he 'I sure cancer!'"

I told this girl that people often tell me I could be Arnold Schwarzenegger's twin.
"I don't think so," she laughed, "You're fat, bald, don't work out, and are much too short!"

"I know.... Danny DeVito."

I like to play chess with old bald men in the park.
But it’s kind of hard to find 32 of them.

Why did the bald guy leave the wig shop without a wig?
because he forgot toupee.

My boyfriend asked me this evening if I would shave my pussy...
... He’s going to be royal pissed when he wakes up bald.

A bald guy killed all the barbers in my town.
Boy, that was a hair raising tragedy.

As a bald man, I don't like these jokes about wigs...
they go over my head.

What's the difference between a bald englishman and a bald scotsman?
The englishman buys himself a hat while the scotsman sells his comb.

I made fun of fat men and I became fat
I teased the bald men and I became bald. Now I only make fun of the rich.

I went for a job as a blacksmith, they asked “Have you ever shoed a horse..?”

I replied “No, but I once told a donkey to bugger off”

I love that song "🎶What is love"

That singer really Haddaway with words.

My wife completed an intense, 40 week body building program earlier today.

It's a girl!!! She weighs 9lbs 12 oz.

I went to the doctor this morning with a snooker ball stuck in my ear. The receptionist told me to wait at the end of the cue.

What did E.T.'s mother say to him when he got home? "Where on Earth have you been?!"

Why can't skeletons play church music?

Because they don't have any organs.

The movie 'Speed' didn’t have a director.

Because if speed had direction, it would have been called velocity.

What's a programmers favorite beat?

An algo-rhythm!

How do you know if a sniper likes you?

He 'misses' you.

На задание вставить буквы во фразе : «А Васька слушает, да е...т» пришло огромное количество неправильных ответов.

Instead of a swear jar, I have a negativity jar - every time I have a pessimistic thought,I put in $. Currently it's half empty.

I've been suffering lately from hallucinations. I saw a doctor... there was no doctor.

What does a house wear?....
Address

How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

After smoking weed for the first time I saw my father beating my dad .

How do you think the unthinkable?

Withe an itheberg!

What do they sing at a snowman's birthday party?

Freeze a jolly good fellow....

I decorated the Christmas tree with my kids today. I had to cut them back down when they started crying though.

The lead singer from the Who is getting divorced. His wife said he committed a Daltrey!

Was banned from every football ground in the country for 12 months yesterday...

I forgot my wedding anniversary...

I came down stairs this morning and found my dog stuck on the fridge door.
I think he’s eaten the magnets again.

them: turn that frown upside down

me: uʍoɹɟ

What is six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A hundred dollar bill.

Mommy, why is daddy bald?
"Its because he thinks a lot sweetheart"
The kid stared at his mom for a minute and asked
"is that why you have a lot of hair?"

Why did the bald guy cut a hole in his pocket?
Because he wanted to run his fingers through his hair.

Getting bald isn't about losing hair, it is about getting more head.

After years of being bare, the idea of hair doesn't sound too bad. It's starting to grow on me.

Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.

I wouldn't say I was going bald, but... When I asked my barber to cut my hair, he replied, "Which one?"

My wife is leaving me because I'm going bald. I'm not bothered though. It's hair loss.

I first noticed I was going bald when it was taking longer to wash my face!

Doctor, doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in? Yes, here is a paper bag!

What's the difference between a monkey, an orphan, a prince, and Bald Bill? A monkey has a hairy parent, an orphan has nary a parent, a prince is an heir apparent, and Bald Bill has no hair apparently.

Don't waste money on hair restorer. Just paint a series of little rabbits on your bald head. From a distance, they look like hares.

You are so bald, the reflection of your head is blinding people in India.

Women in my focus group say a bald-headed man is trustworthy. He has nothing to hide.

You're so bare. I can rub your head to see into the future.

Your head is so hairless that when you wear a poncho, you look like a broken c**dom.

You are so bare when you wear a turtle neck; you look like roll-on deodorant!

The best thing about being tall and bald is that people just think you are tall.

What do you call lice on a hairless head of a man? Homeless.

What do you call a group of rabbits hopping backwards? A receding hairline.

When bald people wash their face, how far up do they go?

What if all bareheaded and bearded people really just have hair cut upside down?

I got my father's weak chin, receding hairline, and a big, hook nose. It was the strangest will reading I have ever attended.

People with hairless heads have problems. You cannot pretend that the hair you find in food is your own.

I am not saying my friend's losing his hair, but lice are starting to picket about deforestation.

A dying husband in a hospital bed asks his wife, "Our seventh child always looked different from the other six. Did he have a different father?"

His wife, crying uncontrollably answers, "Yes."

He asks, "Who's is it?"

His wife replies, "Yours!"

I offered Mariah Carey anything she wanted from the auction catalogue as a seasonal gift.
She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas...”

A man in a pub goes to the toilet. As he's drying his hands the dryer tells him how ugly he is. He walks back to the bar and a bowl of peanuts starts telling him how handsome and intelligent he is...

The barman said, "The dryers out of order and the peanuts are complimentary!"

After 7 years of medical training and hard work, my friend has been struck off the register.

He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves. What a waste of time, training and money.

A nice guy and an absolutely brilliant vet!

"The piano
is a monster
that screams when you touch its teeth."
⁻ᴬⁿᵈʳᵉˢ ˢᵉᵍᵒᵛᶦᵃ

I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.' What do they want, a medal?

I saw a sign that said falling rocks, so I tried and it doesn’t.

Had a first date last night with a lovely lady dentist, it seemed to go Ok...She wants to see me again in 6 months

It’s so cold here that my kleptomaniac friend actually put his hands in his own pockets !

Never rest on your laurels.

They are uncomfortable, and it damages the foliage.

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.

"This is Amanda."

His dad jumps up and says, "It's a fucking what?"

I'll never forget my sons first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for the last 20 years?"

i only accept apologies in cash

My grandfather left me his antique globe in his will.
It means the world to me.

Cinderella has just been dropped from our local Ladies Rugby team - she kept running away from the ball.

Dear TAG heuer;
I’m pretty sure that if I end up 500 meters under water, I won’t need a watch anymore...