Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If anyone’s wondering how the future of humanity is going, my 3 year old grandson can unlock my iPhone but still can’t figure out what a spoon is for.

I bought a smart TV.
It doesn't show Trump.

I met my wife at a speed dating event.

She said, "what the hell are you doing here?"

If there's anyone out there home alone on Christmas day please let me know.
I need to borrow some chairs.

I used to cough in public to hide my farts.
But now I am farting in public to hide my coughs.

Hoping my mate's girlfriend gets back from the Ukraine before the 25th December...

No one wants a chick in Kiev for Christmas.

Te ven bostezando y te preguntan:
- ¿TENES SUEÑO?
-No, estoy cantando ópera en silencio.

—Los guapos empezamos a beber desde los jueves.

—¡Pero si hoy es miércoles!

—¡Se llama pre-copeo, PRE-COPEO!

If people are trying to bring you down, it usually means you are above them.

A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"

"For drinking." replies the cop.

"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"

True love doesn't care about the look, or the size of your wallet. It is all about what is inside .... the wallet.

I was trying to get home in time for the football, but I was being held up by a learner driver. She was driving very slowly and kept stalling.

"Come on, you stupid cow!" I shouted. "Get a bloody move on!"

She started crying and said it would be her last lesson with me!

- Я не могу заниматься сексом без чувств.
- Но отвращение это тоже чувство.

The man who founded Google has been knighted.
He is now known as Sir Chengine.

Наличие чувства юмора помогает легче пережить отсутствие всего остального.

I asked this girl at work why she's still dating a scruffy homeless bloke who thinks he's Elvis...
She replied, "I'm courting a tramp, I can't walk out!!..”

My kids want a dog for Xmas, but I've told them that is barbaric and we will be having a turkey like everyone else.

A guy offered to document my life in Microsoft Excel, but I said no.

I don’t want him to spreadsheet about me.

- Te dejo porque eres un veleta
- ¡Puedo cambiar!

I went to a terrible ‘Shoe Repairers Christmas Reunion Party’ last night...
Load of old cobblers...

If my memory gets any worse....I'll be able to plan my own surprise party.

Although Jesus was known as a carpenter. He never actually sang on any of their albums.

When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Who is the director of the first wireless movie?

Christopher NoLAN.

After an explosion at a Japanese car parts factory, it was reported that it was raining Datsun cogs.

I was listening to Nazareth while driving a very nice hire car. Love Hertz.

Does anyone have any pictures of armoured vehicles moving forward in a line?
Tanks in advance.

Not sure I believe all this stuff about genetically modified food being bad for you. I just had a really tasty leg of salmon and feel fine.

People who drill for water are well boring...

Why did the crab cross the road? He didn't. He used the sidewalk.

I've been reading a book on pig anatomy.

To be honest, It was all pretty standard until I got to the end....

then there was a twist in the tail.....

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I'm homeless.

I can't believe what a lucky guy I am...
First I win the lottery and then my ex wife calls to say she wants us to get back together.

Why does George W Bush hate math so much? Because of the Al Gore ithms.

My ex gf was so thin, she only weighed about ninety pounds, I had to buy a single bed so I could sleep next to her.

“We think we understand the rules when we become adults but what we really experience is a narrowing of the imagination.”
(David Lynch)

A woman goes to the psychiatrists carrying a duck under her arm. “What seems to be the problem?” Asked the psychiatrist. “Well it’s not me with the problem.” Said the woman, “it’s my husband, he thinks he’s a duck.”

me: i just opened a steak restaurant

friend: well done

me: yah that’s one of the options

- Спасибо тебе, Оля, за фотку! Я теперь хоть знаю, какие мне девушки нравятся...
- Ну и какие же?
- Все остальные.

My dad just asked me, “Do you believe in ghosts?” Bit of a daft question seeing as he’s been dead ten years.

What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Don't you wok away from me.

If the fifth month was removed from the calendar, would people feel dismayed?

Gave my depressed friend a "JUST DO IT " t-shirt .
Haven't seen him since

My wife Jo recently went on the Dolly Parton diet.

It really made Jo lean, Jo lean, Jo lean, Jo lean...

My dog’s getting slow in his old age. He’s just brought me yesterdays newspaper

I met my wife at a bus stop.

We got on immediately.

Сельскaя учительницa никaк не моглa решить, зa кого же ей выйти зaмуж: зa директорa школы или зa трaктористa. С одной стороны быстрый кaрьерный рост, a другой без трaкторa хрен до школы доберёшься.

I went to the garden centre earlier and bought a Christmas tree.

The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fucker. I'll be putting it up in my living room!"

I've just found out why David Hasselhoff change his name to "The Hoff"

Apparently, he just couldn't be bothered with the hassle!

—Mamá, ¿Cuál de las amigas que te presenté, crees que es mi prometida?.
—La de negro.
—¡Wow! ¿Y cómo lo supiste?
— Fue la que me cayó mal.

Christmas movie tip: watch ‘Die Hard’ after ‘Love Actually’ to see Alan Rickman get punished for what he did to Emma Thompson...

Juventus weren't worried about Ronaldo catching the Coronavirus as they knew there was no chance of him passing it to a teammate.

Upgrading to the latest version of Microsoft Office can cure your depression.
It really improves your Outlook.

Ever since I installed Adblocker, I have been severely depressed.
Hot singles in my area are no longer interested in me.

How does an electrician cure depression?
He uses shock therapy.

You guys hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.

Why were Indiana Jones, Lara Croft, and Nathan Drake depressed?
Their careers were in ruins.

Why did the depressed person put his booze in the elevator?
He wanted something to lift his spirits.

Matt Damon is severely depressed because he keeps getting typecast as an action hero.
He sometimes wishes he’d never been Bourne.

Why did he come home looking depressed after the doctor said he needed to take a pill everyday for the rest of his life ?
The Doctor only gave him 4 !

Viagra is the worst medicine for depression.
Because everything will get only harder.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.

Experts warn that all this social distancing is causing a lot of stress, anxiety, and depression.
The Flat Earth Society is especially worried. They think their members might be driven over the edge.

How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.

Why do depressed people make the best jokes?
Cause they’re already dad inside.

Why did the chicken with depression cross the road?
To apply to KFC.

I heard all the hair stylists are suffering from depression due to unemployment.
They just want to like, dye.

My doctor recently prescribed me some anti-gravity pills for my depression.
They have been extremely up lifting.

My medicine makes me depressed
It's a sadative.

Gravity is really depressing.
It's always bringing everyone down.

Why was the Calendar so depressed?
He knew his days were numbered.

Why was the circle depressed?
She thought its life was pointless.

I get depressed if I don’t play video games.
I always need to console myself.

A guy couldn’t get out of his bed in the morning because of depression. Then the depression woke up and said:
-Honey are you awake?

Q- Why was the little strawberry crying?
A - His mom was in a jam.

Suicide is never the answer. Suicide is the question .The answer is yes )))

If you drop an emo and a piece of paper from a tree which will hit the ground first?
The piece of oaper because the rope will stop the emo.

Sometimes i get jealous when my phone dies.

Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly dissapointing.