Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Like a lazy tailor would say...
Suit yourself.

The people who create math worksheets are so lazy.
They create a bunch of problems and expect other people to solve it for them.

There was a very very lazy man in a village. He was so lazy he didn't do anything for himself.

It got so bad that the men of the village decided it would be best to just bury him cuz he was just so lazy and useless.

So they came to his house, grabbed him and carried him away to be buried.

While carrying him to his grave, one of the men felt pity and said that maybe if they married him to one of his daughters he would change.

The men asked the lazy man would he be up for that?
The lazy man asked the father .... Is your daughter pregnant?
The father says no.
The lazy man says "take me to my grave.

What do lazy cannibals eat?
The vegetables.

I'm so lazy...
I don't even finish my...

Today we buried our lazy teacher.
We put him in an unmarked grave.

During rainy days, I and my lazy dog are competing who sleeps the deepest and the longest.
I am the underdog in this fight.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.
In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

My wife is leaving me because I'm too lazy. "Pack your bags and go," she said..
"You pack them." I replied.

I was born with a lazy eye...
...and it spread to the rest of my body.

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy...
It’s not like I did anything.

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless.
Just like me.

Yo momma is so lazy...
She took 9 months to deliver the joke.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do ?
Diddly-squats.

What do you call a lazy man in space?
A procrastonaut.

Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

Vladimir Putin is my favorite magician.
He makes his opponents disappear.

An old pre-internet ad by Atlas maps.
Buy Atlas maps or get lost.

Las mujeres sin cintura son como los jeans sin bolsillos, no sabes donde poner las manos.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

I went to the Natural History Museum & asked how old the T-Rex skeleton was.

The curator said “66 million and seven years”.

I said “How can you be so accurate?"

He replied “When I started working here they told me it was 66 million & I’ve been here for 7 years”.

С высоты жизненного опыта хочется сказать: у подножия дух захватывало гораздо больше.

I farted in a room of hipsters.
I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

What's an Internet troll's favourite snack?
4chan cookies.

Where does a Communist Garden Gnome work?
At the Russian Troll Farm.

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

What is the difference between a Nerd and a Troll.
Trolls were once Nerds too before they went over to the Dork side.

What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?

How do you kill a troll?
With a firewall spell.

If you ever see a troll eat a fairy
It's either time for rehab or you're on Reddit.

What's the difference between a lonely person getting trolled and a wanted sexual offender?
Ones a pranked Redditor, the other is a ranked predator.

What do you call professionals trolls?
Master baiters.

How do you troll an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask which period it's from.

Windows: "the device wasn't able to connect to internet due to connection error"
Also windows:" would you like to go online to search for a solution".

How many trolls does it take to change a light bulb?
None; Trolls never see the light anyway.

No busques cuentos con final feliz, busca ser feliz sin tanto cuento.

I once stayed in a Hotel that had such thick towels,
I could barely close my suitcase.

I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t even well rounded.

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

Me: I'm tired of being single

Friend: then become a history teacher

Me: why?

Friend: to find fun dates

You do realise that Vampires aren't real...
Unless you Count Dracula.

- Доктор, скажите, как вылечить глистов?
- Это какое же вы, батенька, говно съели, что у вас глисты заболели?

How do you call a male developer that hasn't had sex in a while?
A full sack developer.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Одесса. Телефонный звонок.
-Здгавствуйте! Пгигласите Габиновича!
-Нет такого!
-Как нет? Это база?
-Да, база.
-А кто у телефона?
-Петренко.
-Это что, военная база?

the DIY store say I stole a bag of cement but they have no concrete evidence.

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

Finished my Polish on Duolingo today. Now it's time to polish my Finnish.

How to fire someone politely:
“Good news. You’ve been promoted to customer”.

After all my years working at the Land Rover factory...

I've realised that I've made many discoveries.

A century ago, two brothers claimed that it was possible to fly. They were Wright.

I was having a big argument with my ex and she said.....Well your friends Dave and Chris both want to date me, I wonder who will be the lucky one..
I said, well I think you will end up with Chris, so clearly Dave will be the lucky one.

Guns N’ Roses Pediatrics: We Could Use Some Lil’ Patients.

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang "ohhhh we're halfway there" on track 3 of a 10 track album.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Reversing is not something I look forward to.

Google Plus was the gym of social networking.
We all joined but no one ever used it.

Optimist thinks that the world he's living in is the best possible.
Pesimist is afraid that it's really true.

What is an Optimistic Vampires favorite drink?
B Positive!

What did the optimist say after losing control on the left half of his body?
I'm all-right.

"Optimist" is a person, who keeps his car's motor running...
...while his wife goes shopping.

How many optimists does it take to change a lightbulb.
None. They just find light in the darkness.

Who are the most optimistic people in the world?
The Jews, they don't know how much it's gonna grow but they still cut it.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.

What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?
An optimist created the airplane; a pessimist created the seat belts.

What did the optimist say when he was pushed off a storey building?
so far so goo...

I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel, The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

How can you easily spot an optimist?
An Older person buying green bananas.

How can you tell an optimist from a pessimist?
Ask them to pronounce OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE.

An optimist is someone who brings a book to read for an eye dilation test.

The optimist says the glass is half full.

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The engineer says the glass is over-designed for the quantity of water.

Have I told you about the Russian optimist vs the pessimist?
The pessimist says, " Things could not get worse."
The optimist says, " Oh yes they can."

A group of retirees meets in a Tel Aviv coffeehouse to discuss the world's many problems. One of them shocks his friends by announcing:
- "I'm an optimist."
-"Then why do you look so worried?"
- "You think it's easy to be an optimist?"

My teacher said that two positives can't make a negative.
Yeah right.

I'm really trying to spread positivity.
But once I test positive I'm told not to spread it.

Replace the negative with the positive.......
and next time put the battery in right the first time.

I was at the library the other day when I found a book called "The Power of Positive Thinking."
I thought "What good could that do?" so I put it back.