Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why can’t depressed people leave the maze?
Because their lives are the walls and they are to scared to meet the exit.

A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. “One more picture and I’ll jump.” He takes another photo and shuts the window. “I can’t jump, you’re not supposed to throw trash out the window.”

I can measure the speed of an object. Because I want to km/s.

I’m like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.

What do depressed people and apple’s have in common?
They both hang from trees.

Are you suicide ? Cause you’re always on my mind.

You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

Are you a toaster? Bc I want to take a bath with you.

There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope…

Whats a depressed persons favorite drink ?
Depresso expresso.

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide” The librarian replies, “No,you won’t give it back”

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

"Dad, what's a preposition?"
"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."

Ignore the vegans... they are just hungry. :)

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash.

Eyeronic.

Dont be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Me: I would like a unicorn for Christmas.
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: OK. I want to lose 15lbs, be slim, beautiful and travel.
Santa: What colour unicorn do you want?

I bought a Christmas tree that was far too big to get in the car, so I had to cut the top off.
Didn't really mind, I've always wanted a convertible.

I asked the librarian If they had any books on different Noise levels.
The librarian says, "Sure, what volume would you like?".

My copy of Timothy Dalton’s, James Bond movie was stolen. If I ever catch the guy, I’ll beat the living daylights out of him.

I was showing my doctor the rash on my bum today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn’t want to look at it, he just told me to make an appointment at the surgery on Monday and walked off pushing his shopping trolley with his wife.

My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world...
I’m not buying it...

My boyfriend accused me of being a stalker.
Well technically he's not my boyfriend yet.

If you get a link called Justin Bieber Sings Christmas Carols, DO NOT OPEN IT...
It's a link to Justin Bieber Sings Christmas Carols!

There's a urinary side effect to the new Pfizer vaccine. It makes your p silent.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.

A Guy picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions.
It turns out to be a book on chess!

- Как вы относитесь к ceксу?
- Да я ему жизнью обязан!

Режиссёр орёт на актёра : "Сколько раз тебе нужно говорить, что не "я драчистый изумруд",а "ядра - чистый изумруд""

I went into a florist and said, "I'd like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend."

The florist says "Certainly, what is it you're after?"

I said, "Anal!"

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds
One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair
On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin
Meanwhile in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow
The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird
“I can’t take it anymore! We’ve got to get rid of all of these damn…”
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse
“Please dear,” she said, “Not in front of the chilled wren”

Child : Mom when i was made, did you want a boy or a girl?

Mom: I wanted to tie my shoelaces ...

When I visit the Turkish Baths, I must have the whole place to myself. I have selfish steam issues.

To prove he was right, the “Flat Earther” decided to walk to the end of the Earth. He eventually came around.

I made a chicken salad today.

That ungrateful bird didn't even eat it!

Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.

У пожилых женщин довольно часто бывают разные розы: артрозы, неврозы, склерозы…

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits!

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits!

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.

Right, get that condom on, she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what
they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement
over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector."

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says "Sorry we don't serve strings here."

He leaves, ties himself in a loop, messes up his hair and returns.

The bartender squints at him, "Hey aren't you a string?"

The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

I bet it was tricky for the person who discovered milk to explain what they were doing to the cow.

Villain: why is my calendar wrapped in Aluminium?

Superhero: I have foiled your plans.

I'm just not cut out for the dating world. The last time I was someone’s type...
I was donating blood...

I’m dating a gymnast.
She’s head over heels.

My friend's just told me that he's dating twins. I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart.
"Not at all." he said "It's really easy actually. Helen's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious.
She just asked me to move out with her.

My friend told me I’m dating a porn star. I said “no way”... He replied...
“Look at her, it’s all over her face”.

Online dating during Covid is like:
I'm dying to meet you.

Why do colourblind people suck at dating?
Because they fail to see the red flags in a relationship.

I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper.

What did the conjoined twins change their dating profile to after surgery?
Recently Separated.

What does Medusa have in her dating profile?
Beware: I'm drop dead gorgeous.

Dating is often like boxing...
You have to go for your weight class.

Why are racecar drivers the best people to go to for dating advice?
They're trained to look for red flags.

I started dating a stripper
I've been seeing a lot of her lately.

My daughter is now dating a bipolar adventurer
He really did visit both the North and the South poles, quite the guy!

What do you call it when meeting up with people from dating apps?
Playing with matches.

An engineer has trouble dating and seeks advice from his friend:
Friend: Just go to a bar and meet girls, its a no pressure environment.

Engineer: I don't know, one bar seems like way too much pressure for me. Can I go to a pascal instead?

Why did the shark quit dating ?
Even though there are still many fish in the sea, he was netted into a relationship and got catfished.

Dating for men is like fishing.
There’s plenty of fish but until you catch one you’re stuck holding your rod.

I made a dating profile on Farmers Only
Because when it comes to women, I know how to a-tractor.

Dating these days as a Karen is hard, all of my dates act like teenagers.
What I is need is a MANager!

I've started dating Little Red Riding Hood's grandmother.
She's an animal in bed.

What do you call a dating app for sailors?
Dick Dock.

I've joined an online dating agency for arsonists.
They send me new matches every week.

Guys, I'm dating a lady firefighter tonight!
You think she might put out?

The guy I am dating has a phobia of people that randomly include clothes in sentences.
But overall, this shouldn't be an issue.

Bald Dating is a dating app for bald people that's completely free...
You don't have toupee.

I was dating an Optometrist, but finally needed to break up with her
She was sexy and had a great personality, but after a while she was just too annoying in bed.

She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this?... or like this?"

I once tried speed dating...
Turns out she wasn’t as into stimulants as I was...

Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?
Fucking nothing.

Dating in your 30s is like looking for a parking spot...
The good ones are all taken. The rest are either handicapped or too far away.

My wife asked me, “Why don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating?”
So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house.

You really should try archery while blindfolded.
You don't know what you're missing.

If you love someone, be brave enough to tell them. Otherwise, be brave enough to watch them loved by someone else.

What do you call a typo on a headstone?
A grave mistake.

—¿Nivel de inglés?
—Alto.
—Traduzca "pájaro".
—Bird.
—Úselo en una frase.
—Hapy bird day to you, hapy bird day to you!
—¡Largo de aquí!