Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people.
Now I am at the hospital.

2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.

Jews can’t handle positive reinforcement.
In school they tried giving me a gold star. No way was I falling for that again.

Chuck Norris tested positive for COVID-19.
The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.

I have always thought of myself as a positive person.
Now thanks to COVID-19 I have proof!

What’s one thing that turned out positive in 2020 ?
My COVID test.

She fell in love with an iPhone designer, but she wasn't the Apple of his eye.

It's better to be kissed by a fool than to be fooled by a kiss.

My ex has 3 spirit animals.
Lion, Ass, Cheetah.

My wife wants me to be more sensitive. So I got her abacus beads for her birthday.
She said, “What the hell are these?”
I said, “It’s the little things that count.”

I saw two identical twin young ladies both wearing identical Levi's. I said to myself, "Of course, aren't identical twins supposed to have the same genes?"

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

My daughter wanted a Cinderella party so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Girl: I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 40, is that BAD?
Me: You spelt DAD wrong.

- Изечка, ты когда-нибудь говорил женщине всё, что о ней думаешь?
- Да! Хочешь шрам на голове покажу?

So, I booked a table for our anniversary.
It was only on the way there that my wife said that she didn’t like snooker!

No mires atrás y te preguntes: "¿Por que?" Mira adelante y pregúntate: "¿Por que no?

Whats everyone using to scrape ice of their windows these days ?
I used a discount card out of my wallet this morning. Wasn’t much good, I only got 20% off.

I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.

I rarely speak to the wife these days.

I'm just not quick enough to interrupt.

A word of advice: don't drink while you're wrapping presents. Also, if anyone gets an old TV remote for Christmas, please send it back to me.

Shouldn't Elevators be called something else, on the way down?

Starting a new band called Gravy and Onions. We'll play a variety of songs, but mostly cover Meatloaf.

Английские учёные пришли к выводу, что Робин Гуд грабил богатых потому, что у бедных нехер было взять.

- Вы носки меняете?
- Конечно, двадцать третьего февраля.

I love Cyber Monday deals. Got a PS5 for my son. Best trade I ever made.

Anybody else on here having problems receiving payments from retired Nigerian millionaires ?

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!*”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, *"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"*
She said, *"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"*
John said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"*
*"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"* Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, *"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."*
She said, *"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.

For years my wife complained about my snoring, and for some $2 earplugs, I’ve managed to sort it out. I can’t hear her moaning now.

The average sleep required by an average person is ‘five minutes more’.

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

Sleep is death without the responsibility.

Mike Tyson sleeps with a nightlight…not because he’s afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Mike Tyson.

Me: “Let me sleep” – Brain: “lol, no, let’s stay awake and remember every stupid decision you made in your life.”- Me:”Okay”

“My brain during the day: “Potato, potato, ching chong potato” – My brain during the night: “I wonder why the Earth was placed exactly here and allowed us to provide a perfect climate to sustain human life.”

I’ve stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.

Wife: “You told me so many bad things in your sleep last night”
Husband: “Who was asleep?”

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa...
I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.

I'm so good at sleeping.
I can do it with my eyes closed.

Did you hear about the little girl who was sent to prison for not going to sleep last night? She was charged with resisting arrest!

Did you hear about the parents who called their baby 'coffee?' It kept them up all night!

Did you hear about the boy who slept with his head underneath his pillow? When he woke up, the tooth fairy had taken all his teeth!

"Doctor, how can I stop my sleepwalking?"
"Easy, just put drawing pins on the bedroom floor."

Did you hear about the girl who was dreaming that she was eating a giant marshmallow? She woke up and her pillow was gone!

"Doctor, I can't get to sleep at night."
"Lie on the edge of the bed - you'll soon drop off!"

Did you hear about the lady who always goes to sleep on a chandelier? She's a light sleeper!

I got paid for being part of a study at a sleep clinic last night... it was my dream job!

Did you hear about the kidnapping yesterday? It’s OK though, he woke up!

Where do burgers sleep?
On a bed of lettuce!

What does a Mummy cow read to a baby cow before bed? Dairy tales!

Why did the little boy take a ruler to bed with him?
To see how long he slept!

Why did the little boy hide sugar under his pillow at night?
So he would have sweet dreams!

Which animal sleeps with its shoes on?
A horse!

Why did the little girl take her bike to bed?
Because she didn’t want to walk in her sleep!

What should you do if you find a dinosaur sleeping in your bed?
Find somewhere else to sleep!

Which part of the car is the sleepiest?
The wheels, because they're always tired!

Why do worms hate getting up in the morning?
Because the early bird catches the worm!

How is it possible to go without sleep for seven days and not be tired?
You sleep at night!

What's it called when your feet go to sleep and won't wake up? Coma-toes!

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull dozer!

What do you call a really sleepy egg? Egg-zosted!

What did the Mummy broom say to the baby broom? It’s time to go to sweep!

Which bit of art equipment makes you tired? A craYAWN!

Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine cupboard? She didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills!

Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to close its eyes and go to sleep? It was pasta bedtime!

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a duck? A bird that wakes up at the quack of dawn!

Why did the man keep running around his bed? To catch up on his sleep!

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep? You rocket!

What do you call a sleeping woodcutter? A slumber-jack!

I know someone who was habitually late, until his doctor recommended sleeping in a herb garden. Sounds odd, I know, but now he wakes up on Thyme.

Taller people sleep longer in bed.

A friend gave up his job as a shepherd as every time he tried to count his flock, he fell asleep.

Fell asleep on my smartphone the other day. I had downloaded a nap.

What dinosaur makes most noise when he is a sleep? Tyrannosnorus.

I sleep in a tower once every two weeks. It’s my fort night.

Why do dragons often sleep during the day? So they can fight knights.

I fell asleep beside the kitchen sink with the plug out. I feel completely drained now.

I fitted an alarm clock to my shoe. It stops my foot from falling asleep.

Woke up the other day with a puzzled look on my face. Had fallen asleep on my crossword.