Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.

I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.

I asked my date to meet me at the gym but she never showed up. I guess the two of us aren't going to work out.

What do you call a beehive without an exit? Unbelievable.

Cheese is just a loaf of milk.

People call me skeptical.

But I'm not sure I believe that.

How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
I don't know. Half an hour?

I can't believe how rude the suppository helpline was.

Идеальное соотношение цена-качество - это говно нахаляву.

Whenever my wife uses the phrase "I was thinking."

That means I either have to move, build, paint, or buy something.

Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. -The Swiss Army

Do you know what the opposite of lady fingers is?

Mentos.

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? he sold his soul to Santa.. 😂

If you want a successful relationship then... make sure you have foreign key in second table

To the man in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket:

You can hide, but you can’t run.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it's working.

I bought a vacuum at a sex shop- it fuckin sucks!

I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo

It was great. She’s a keeper.

I woke up this morning determined to drink less, eat right & exercise
But that was 4 hours ago when I was younger and full of hope.

Sex is great and all, but have you tried it with another person?

All my passwords are protected...

...by amnesia.

Once upon a time there was a King who was only 12 inches tall.

He was a terrible King but he made a great ruler...

One of the seven dwarves has been arrested for having sex with a giraffe...

He said the other six put him up to it!

You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.

If I had a pound for every time someone called me lazy.
I'd have enough money to not need a job.

If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.

People from the neighborhood were complaining that their mailman was being super lazy.
He was making all the babies, but the doctor was doing all of the deliveries.

Lazy people find the most strangest reasons not to do something.
I would make a list but, it's Monday and I just fed the cats.

Somebody said today that I'm lazy.
I nearly answered him.

Hey Sue, what do you say to a nice walk? - Oh Harry, that would be lovely! - Wonderful. Could you bring me some beer and cigarettes on your way back?

When I was married, I walked into my living room with a sheep under my arm... My lazy asss wife was sitting on the couch watching TV... I said “This is the pig that I f*ck when you’re not around...” She said “That’s not a pig, assshole, that’s a sheep...” I said “I was talking to the sheep...”:

What do you call a country full of lazy people?
A procrastination.

Lazy is a very strong word!
I prefer to call it Selective Participation.

How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?
I'll let you know tomorrow.

Facts About Lazy People #389479305784
You were too lazy to read that number...

I'm super lazy today....
Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

What did the lazy dentist say to his patient with crooked teeth?
Brace yourself.

Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted "YOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY"
I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley!

I don't hate lazy people anymore.
Found someone else who does it for me.

I figured out why lazy people are going to love self-driving cars.
It's because they have no drive.

Say what you will about Americans being fat and lazy...
but active shooters are always determined, dedicated, and in shape.

My lazy neighbor is retiring and joining a nudist colony...
...he said he just wanted a place where he could hang out.

At school the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy.
I loved that wheelchair.

If I had to describe myself in 3 words.
lazy.

Like a lazy tailor would say...
Suit yourself.

The people who create math worksheets are so lazy.
They create a bunch of problems and expect other people to solve it for them.

There was a very very lazy man in a village. He was so lazy he didn't do anything for himself.

It got so bad that the men of the village decided it would be best to just bury him cuz he was just so lazy and useless.

So they came to his house, grabbed him and carried him away to be buried.

While carrying him to his grave, one of the men felt pity and said that maybe if they married him to one of his daughters he would change.

The men asked the lazy man would he be up for that?
The lazy man asked the father .... Is your daughter pregnant?
The father says no.
The lazy man says "take me to my grave.

What do lazy cannibals eat?
The vegetables.

I'm so lazy...
I don't even finish my...

Today we buried our lazy teacher.
We put him in an unmarked grave.

During rainy days, I and my lazy dog are competing who sleeps the deepest and the longest.
I am the underdog in this fight.

What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato.

In 2019 if you were unemployed and stayed home all day playing video games, you were a lazy bum.
In 2020 this would make you a responsible adult.

My wife is leaving me because I'm too lazy. "Pack your bags and go," she said..
"You pack them." I replied.

I was born with a lazy eye...
...and it spread to the rest of my body.

I hate when my girlfriend gets mad at me for being lazy...
It’s not like I did anything.

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless.
Just like me.

Yo momma is so lazy...
She took 9 months to deliver the joke.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do ?
Diddly-squats.

What do you call a lazy man in space?
A procrastonaut.

Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.

Vladimir Putin is my favorite magician.
He makes his opponents disappear.

An old pre-internet ad by Atlas maps.
Buy Atlas maps or get lost.

Las mujeres sin cintura son como los jeans sin bolsillos, no sabes donde poner las manos.

Seeing a spider isn't a problem. It becomes a problem when the spider is gone.

I went to the Natural History Museum & asked how old the T-Rex skeleton was.

The curator said “66 million and seven years”.

I said “How can you be so accurate?"

He replied “When I started working here they told me it was 66 million & I’ve been here for 7 years”.

С высоты жизненного опыта хочется сказать: у подножия дух захватывало гораздо больше.

I farted in a room of hipsters.
I watched them fight each other over who heard it first.

What's an Internet troll's favourite snack?
4chan cookies.

Where does a Communist Garden Gnome work?
At the Russian Troll Farm.

Mother, “How was school today, Patrick?”

Patrick, “It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!”

Mother, “Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?”

Patrick, “What school?”

What is the difference between a Nerd and a Troll.
Trolls were once Nerds too before they went over to the Dork side.

What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?

How do you kill a troll?
With a firewall spell.

If you ever see a troll eat a fairy
It's either time for rehab or you're on Reddit.

What's the difference between a lonely person getting trolled and a wanted sexual offender?
Ones a pranked Redditor, the other is a ranked predator.

What do you call professionals trolls?
Master baiters.

How do you troll an archaeologist?
Give him a used tampon and ask which period it's from.

Windows: "the device wasn't able to connect to internet due to connection error"
Also windows:" would you like to go online to search for a solution".

How many trolls does it take to change a light bulb?
None; Trolls never see the light anyway.