Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Viagra is the worst medicine for depression.
Because everything will get only harder.

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep...
That'll give you a reason to get up in the morning.

Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.

Experts warn that all this social distancing is causing a lot of stress, anxiety, and depression.
The Flat Earth Society is especially worried. They think their members might be driven over the edge.

How do depressed frogs die?
They Kermit suicide.

Why do depressed people make the best jokes?
Cause they’re already dad inside.

Why did the chicken with depression cross the road?
To apply to KFC.

I heard all the hair stylists are suffering from depression due to unemployment.
They just want to like, dye.

My doctor recently prescribed me some anti-gravity pills for my depression.
They have been extremely up lifting.

My medicine makes me depressed
It's a sadative.

Gravity is really depressing.
It's always bringing everyone down.

Why was the Calendar so depressed?
He knew his days were numbered.

Why was the circle depressed?
She thought its life was pointless.

I get depressed if I don’t play video games.
I always need to console myself.

A guy couldn’t get out of his bed in the morning because of depression. Then the depression woke up and said:
-Honey are you awake?

Q- Why was the little strawberry crying?
A - His mom was in a jam.

Suicide is never the answer. Suicide is the question .The answer is yes )))

If you drop an emo and a piece of paper from a tree which will hit the ground first?
The piece of oaper because the rope will stop the emo.

Sometimes i get jealous when my phone dies.

Life is like a box of chocolates, mostly dissapointing.

Why can’t depressed people leave the maze?
Because their lives are the walls and they are to scared to meet the exit.

A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. “One more picture and I’ll jump.” He takes another photo and shuts the window. “I can’t jump, you’re not supposed to throw trash out the window.”

I can measure the speed of an object. Because I want to km/s.

I’m like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside.

What do depressed people and apple’s have in common?
They both hang from trees.

Are you suicide ? Cause you’re always on my mind.

You must be depression, because you make me want to kill myself.

I woke up this morning thinking it was gonna be a great day. But then I realized I was still alive.

Are you a toaster? Bc I want to take a bath with you.

There’s nothing more depressing than a failed suicide attempt.

How do you get a depressed person out of a tree?
You cut the rope…

Whats a depressed persons favorite drink ?
Depresso expresso.

A man walks into the library. “Hello ma’am I’d like to borrow a book about committing suicide” The librarian replies, “No,you won’t give it back”

What is the worst motivational thing to say to a depressed person?
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.

"Dad, what's a preposition?"
"A preposition is a word that you never, ever end a sentence with."

Ignore the vegans... they are just hungry. :)

Eyelashes are supposed to prevent things from getting into your eyes, but when I do have something in my eye it's always an eyelash.

Eyeronic.

Dont be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you.
Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

Me: I would like a unicorn for Christmas.
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: OK. I want to lose 15lbs, be slim, beautiful and travel.
Santa: What colour unicorn do you want?

I bought a Christmas tree that was far too big to get in the car, so I had to cut the top off.
Didn't really mind, I've always wanted a convertible.

I asked the librarian If they had any books on different Noise levels.
The librarian says, "Sure, what volume would you like?".

My copy of Timothy Dalton’s, James Bond movie was stolen. If I ever catch the guy, I’ll beat the living daylights out of him.

I was showing my doctor the rash on my bum today. He seemed pretty uncomfortable and didn’t want to look at it, he just told me to make an appointment at the surgery on Monday and walked off pushing his shopping trolley with his wife.

My wife says I’m the cheapest man in the world...
I’m not buying it...

My boyfriend accused me of being a stalker.
Well technically he's not my boyfriend yet.

If you get a link called Justin Bieber Sings Christmas Carols, DO NOT OPEN IT...
It's a link to Justin Bieber Sings Christmas Carols!

There's a urinary side effect to the new Pfizer vaccine. It makes your p silent.

If prisoners could take their own mug shots…They’d be called cellfies.

A Guy picked up a book called 101 Mating Positions.
It turns out to be a book on chess!

- Как вы относитесь к ceксу?
- Да я ему жизнью обязан!

Режиссёр орёт на актёра : "Сколько раз тебе нужно говорить, что не "я драчистый изумруд",а "ядра - чистый изумруд""

I went into a florist and said, "I'd like to buy some flowers for my girlfriend."

The florist says "Certainly, what is it you're after?"

I said, "Anal!"

A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds
One November evening, he came home to find a raven with a splint on its beak sitting in his favorite chair
On the dining room table there was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin
Meanwhile in the kitchen his wife was comforting a shivering little wren that she found in the snow
The furious husband strode over to where his wife was toweling down the cold little bird
“I can’t take it anymore! We’ve got to get rid of all of these damn…”
The wife held up her hand to cut him off in mid-curse
“Please dear,” she said, “Not in front of the chilled wren”

Child : Mom when i was made, did you want a boy or a girl?

Mom: I wanted to tie my shoelaces ...

When I visit the Turkish Baths, I must have the whole place to myself. I have selfish steam issues.

To prove he was right, the “Flat Earther” decided to walk to the end of the Earth. He eventually came around.

I made a chicken salad today.

That ungrateful bird didn't even eat it!

Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.

У пожилых женщин довольно часто бывают разные розы: артрозы, неврозы, склерозы…

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits!

You can't spell advertisements without semen between the tits!

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight.

They start eyeing each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing.

He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.
Rear toilet? He suggests.
Five minutes, she agrees and goes off.
He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.

Right, get that condom on, she says.
Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.
But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what
they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement
over the PA system.
"To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations.

Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the
smoke detector."

A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer.

Bartender says "Sorry we don't serve strings here."

He leaves, ties himself in a loop, messes up his hair and returns.

The bartender squints at him, "Hey aren't you a string?"

The string replies, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

I bet it was tricky for the person who discovered milk to explain what they were doing to the cow.

Villain: why is my calendar wrapped in Aluminium?

Superhero: I have foiled your plans.

I'm just not cut out for the dating world. The last time I was someone’s type...
I was donating blood...

I’m dating a gymnast.
She’s head over heels.

My friend's just told me that he's dating twins. I asked him if he had any trouble telling them apart.
"Not at all." he said "It's really easy actually. Helen's got blonde hair and Brian's got a beard."

I’ve been dating a homeless woman recently, and I think it’s starting to get serious.
She just asked me to move out with her.

My friend told me I’m dating a porn star. I said “no way”... He replied...
“Look at her, it’s all over her face”.

Online dating during Covid is like:
I'm dying to meet you.

Why do colourblind people suck at dating?
Because they fail to see the red flags in a relationship.

I started dating a girl I really like. She's really into bees.
I think she's a keeper.

What did the conjoined twins change their dating profile to after surgery?
Recently Separated.

What does Medusa have in her dating profile?
Beware: I'm drop dead gorgeous.

Dating is often like boxing...
You have to go for your weight class.

Why are racecar drivers the best people to go to for dating advice?
They're trained to look for red flags.

I started dating a stripper
I've been seeing a lot of her lately.

My daughter is now dating a bipolar adventurer
He really did visit both the North and the South poles, quite the guy!

What do you call it when meeting up with people from dating apps?
Playing with matches.