Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Sleep is time machine to breakfast.

What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine? A slow poke.

The farmer’s wife fills all of his prescriptions, as she’s his farm•Mrs.

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off, I went back this morning to complain.
The tattoo parlour wasn't there.

A tongue-twister champion got arrested.
They're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Last night I had a nightmare that I was a piece of wood that had Mineralized into Stone.
I woke up petrified.

I just read that a radical section of the woodworker's union
has broken away and formed a splinter group.

How do devils breathe? Inhell and exhell.

There are two (2) rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.

What do you call the ghost
of a chicken?

A poultry-geist!

How do you top a car?

Tep on the brake tupid.

Holy shit!
Famous donut shop closes after operating for more than 50 years. The owner commented, "I just got tired of the hole thing..."

Nutritionists have confirmed that a well known food reduces women's sex drive by 95%.
It's called "wedding cake"

My doctor checked my fitness level and said I was getting atrophy. Where should I put it? I never got a fitness award before!

I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

Why do they call them "Apartments" when they're so close together?

Drinking at home isn't working out.. Last night I asked my wife for her phone number.

Why does a Piano player called 'Pianist', but a rap singer doesn't called 'Rapist'???

How do you start a book about ducks?

With an introducktion.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I admit I don't always whoop but when I do.. there it is.

If a doctors wife eats an apple a day is that grounds for a divorce?

Why does a tiger have stripes?

So he won't be spotted.

My wife and I share a sense of humour.

We have to because she doesn't have one.

My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron... which is ironic.

How do you turn six to nine?

Remove the "s".

There was an explosion at the pie factory. The blast could be heard 3.14 miles away.

My computer is so old.
When I turn it on the malware prompts me to update.

What’s the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it at you.

What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?
A flat fish !

Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail!

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
You’ll get jurasskicked.

What’s a sea serpent’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships!

What was the Tsar of Russia’s favorite fish?
Tsardines.

What was the name of Tom Sawyer’s fish?
Huckleberry Fin!

Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?
Because they have electric eels !

What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd?
He called the piano tuna!

Why are fish cleverer than humans?
Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?

What do naked fish play with?
Bare-a-cudas.

What kind of fish will help you hear better?
A herring aid.

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.

Which fish dresses the best?
The Swordfish – it always looks sharp!

What did the sardine call the submarine?
A can of people.

What kind of money do fishermen make?
Net profits !

Q: How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, one to change the light bulb and three to brag about how big the old one was and about the one that they would have changed, but “It got away”.

What’s the difference between an angler and a dunce?
One baits his hooks while the other hates his books.

The little kid sat on the side of the road with a fishing line down the drain. Feeling sorry for him, and wanting to humor him, a lady gave him 50 cents, and kindly asked “How many have you caught?” “You’re the tenth this morning,” was the reply.

An old lady saw a little boy with a fishing-rod over his shoulder and a jar of tadpoles in his hand walking through the park one Sunday. “Little boy,” she called, “don’t you know you shouldn’t go fishing on a Sunday?” “I m not going fishing, ma’am,” he called back, “I’m going home.”

A man was fishing in the jungle. After a while another angler came to join him. “Have you had any bites?” asked the second man. “Yes, lots,” replied the first one, “but they were all mosquitoes.”

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much ?
A beer-a-cuda.

What do you call a fish without the eye?
fsh.

What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.

If fish lived on land, in which country would they live?
Finland.

What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away?
“You bass-tard!”

Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon!

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!

Why can’t you tell a joke while ice fishing?
Because it’ll crack you up!.

What is the richest fish in the world?
A goldfish.

How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale!

What does the pope eat during lent?
Holy mackerel!

Why did the fish cross the road?
Cause it was hooked!

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Did you hear about the fight at the seafood restaurant? Two fish got battered!

What is a fish’s favorite show?
“Name That Tuna.”

A monastery is in financial trouble, so it goes into the fish-and-chips business to raise money. One night a customer knocks on its door. A monk answers. The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?” “No,” he replies. “I’m the chip monk.”

What’s a fish’s favorite musical instrument?
A bass drum.

Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait. The first priest got up and walked across the water to get some more bait. After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait, so he got up and walked across the water. After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom. The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, “Should we have told him where the rocks were?”

How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!

Where do fish keep their money?
In a riverbank.

Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can’t walk!

Game warden: Didn’t you see the no-fishing sign, son?
Boy: I’m not fishing, sir. I’m teaching these worms how to swim!

Why didn’t Noah do much fishing on the ark?
He had only two worms.

Why did Batman and Robin quit going fishing together?
Because Robin ate all the worms!

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!

Why did the husband go fishing on Valentines Day?
To catch his wife a bouquet of flounders!

What is the fastest fish in the water?
A motopike.

Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The bobber shop.