Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

No busques cuentos con final feliz, busca ser feliz sin tanto cuento.

I once stayed in a Hotel that had such thick towels,
I could barely close my suitcase.

I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t even well rounded.

A lumberjack once told me he’s cut down 27,572 trees.

“How do ya know exactly how many?” I inquired.

“Easy. I keep a log.”

Me: I'm tired of being single

Friend: then become a history teacher

Me: why?

Friend: to find fun dates

You do realise that Vampires aren't real...
Unless you Count Dracula.

- Доктор, скажите, как вылечить глистов?
- Это какое же вы, батенька, говно съели, что у вас глисты заболели?

How do you call a male developer that hasn't had sex in a while?
A full sack developer.

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

Одесса. Телефонный звонок.
-Здгавствуйте! Пгигласите Габиновича!
-Нет такого!
-Как нет? Это база?
-Да, база.
-А кто у телефона?
-Петренко.
-Это что, военная база?

the DIY store say I stole a bag of cement but they have no concrete evidence.

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

Finished my Polish on Duolingo today. Now it's time to polish my Finnish.

How to fire someone politely:
“Good news. You’ve been promoted to customer”.

After all my years working at the Land Rover factory...

I've realised that I've made many discoveries.

A century ago, two brothers claimed that it was possible to fly. They were Wright.

I was having a big argument with my ex and she said.....Well your friends Dave and Chris both want to date me, I wonder who will be the lucky one..
I said, well I think you will end up with Chris, so clearly Dave will be the lucky one.

Guns N’ Roses Pediatrics: We Could Use Some Lil’ Patients.

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang "ohhhh we're halfway there" on track 3 of a 10 track album.

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

Reversing is not something I look forward to.

Google Plus was the gym of social networking.
We all joined but no one ever used it.

Optimist thinks that the world he's living in is the best possible.
Pesimist is afraid that it's really true.

What is an Optimistic Vampires favorite drink?
B Positive!

What did the optimist say after losing control on the left half of his body?
I'm all-right.

"Optimist" is a person, who keeps his car's motor running...
...while his wife goes shopping.

How many optimists does it take to change a lightbulb.
None. They just find light in the darkness.

Who are the most optimistic people in the world?
The Jews, they don't know how much it's gonna grow but they still cut it.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.

-Opportunist

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.

What’s the difference between an optimist and a pessimist?
An optimist created the airplane; a pessimist created the seat belts.

What did the optimist say when he was pushed off a storey building?
so far so goo...

I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel, The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

How can you easily spot an optimist?
An Older person buying green bananas.

How can you tell an optimist from a pessimist?
Ask them to pronounce OPPORTUNITYISNOWHERE.

An optimist is someone who brings a book to read for an eye dilation test.

The optimist says the glass is half full.

The pessimist says the glass is half empty.

The engineer says the glass is over-designed for the quantity of water.

Have I told you about the Russian optimist vs the pessimist?
The pessimist says, " Things could not get worse."
The optimist says, " Oh yes they can."

A group of retirees meets in a Tel Aviv coffeehouse to discuss the world's many problems. One of them shocks his friends by announcing:
- "I'm an optimist."
-"Then why do you look so worried?"
- "You think it's easy to be an optimist?"

My teacher said that two positives can't make a negative.
Yeah right.

I'm really trying to spread positivity.
But once I test positive I'm told not to spread it.

Replace the negative with the positive.......
and next time put the battery in right the first time.

I was at the library the other day when I found a book called "The Power of Positive Thinking."
I thought "What good could that do?" so I put it back.

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people.
Now I am at the hospital.

2019: Stay away from negative people.
2020: Stay away from positive people.

Jews can’t handle positive reinforcement.
In school they tried giving me a gold star. No way was I falling for that again.

Chuck Norris tested positive for COVID-19.
The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.

I have always thought of myself as a positive person.
Now thanks to COVID-19 I have proof!

What’s one thing that turned out positive in 2020 ?
My COVID test.

She fell in love with an iPhone designer, but she wasn't the Apple of his eye.

It's better to be kissed by a fool than to be fooled by a kiss.

My ex has 3 spirit animals.
Lion, Ass, Cheetah.

My wife wants me to be more sensitive. So I got her abacus beads for her birthday.
She said, “What the hell are these?”
I said, “It’s the little things that count.”

I saw two identical twin young ladies both wearing identical Levi's. I said to myself, "Of course, aren't identical twins supposed to have the same genes?"

A recent scientific study showed that out of 2,293,618,367 people, 94% are too lazy to actually read that number.

My daughter wanted a Cinderella party so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Girl: I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 40, is that BAD?
Me: You spelt DAD wrong.

- Изечка, ты когда-нибудь говорил женщине всё, что о ней думаешь?
- Да! Хочешь шрам на голове покажу?

So, I booked a table for our anniversary.
It was only on the way there that my wife said that she didn’t like snooker!

No mires atrás y te preguntes: "¿Por que?" Mira adelante y pregúntate: "¿Por que no?

Whats everyone using to scrape ice of their windows these days ?
I used a discount card out of my wallet this morning. Wasn’t much good, I only got 20% off.

I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.

I rarely speak to the wife these days.

I'm just not quick enough to interrupt.

A word of advice: don't drink while you're wrapping presents. Also, if anyone gets an old TV remote for Christmas, please send it back to me.

Shouldn't Elevators be called something else, on the way down?

Starting a new band called Gravy and Onions. We'll play a variety of songs, but mostly cover Meatloaf.

Английские учёные пришли к выводу, что Робин Гуд грабил богатых потому, что у бедных нехер было взять.

- Вы носки меняете?
- Конечно, двадцать третьего февраля.

I love Cyber Monday deals. Got a PS5 for my son. Best trade I ever made.

Anybody else on here having problems receiving payments from retired Nigerian millionaires ?

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of my wife!*”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, *"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"*
She said, *"Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"*
John said, *"Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife"*
*"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!"* Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, *"John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."*
She said, *"Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.

For years my wife complained about my snoring, and for some $2 earplugs, I’ve managed to sort it out. I can’t hear her moaning now.

The average sleep required by an average person is ‘five minutes more’.

I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.

Sleep is death without the responsibility.

Mike Tyson sleeps with a nightlight…not because he’s afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Mike Tyson.

Me: “Let me sleep” – Brain: “lol, no, let’s stay awake and remember every stupid decision you made in your life.”- Me:”Okay”

“My brain during the day: “Potato, potato, ching chong potato” – My brain during the night: “I wonder why the Earth was placed exactly here and allowed us to provide a perfect climate to sustain human life.”

I’ve stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.