Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!!
Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

What do you call a dog with no legs…

My asian neighbors dinner.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.

A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked," Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, “Well, the damn neighbor Sally’s braces are to sharp.”

It’s disappointing that Los Angeles doesn’t offer better transportation, especially since my neighbor offers free mustache rides every night.

You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.

Kid:what is between moms legs? Dad:paridise. Kid whats between you legs? Dad:the key to paridise. Kid:well you better change the lock the neighbor has the key to.

Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? – They’re always eating out.

… and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.

The bible says to love your neighbors as you love yourself. So I treat everyone like garbage.

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they’ve seen your dog.

I ran over neighbors cat last night and I just want to say… THAT THING WAS FAST! I had run a red light to get it!

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now” The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”.

Police: Where do u live Me: With my parents Police: Where your parents live Me: With me Police: Where do you all live Me: Together Police: where is your house Me: Next to my neighbor Police: Where is your neighbor’s house Me: If I tell you, you won’t believe me Police: Tell me Me: Next to my house.

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree? You untie the rope.

—Amor, ¿quieres casarte conmigo?

—Espérame, estoy asando carne.

—¿Y eso qué tiene que ver?

—Que yo no tomo decisiones al asar.

I don't understand why so many people major in English Literature.
I mean there's only so many ways to ask, "Do you want fries with that?".

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Teacher where's your homework?
Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes.

Did you hear the story of how cows provided milk for the Roman Army?
It's legion-dairy.

I love going outdoors... It's much safer than going outwindows.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

Well over a hundred years ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.

You could seriously piss off your neighbors by buying a puppy and naming it the same as their child.

Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? -Because freedom rings!- #dadjokes 🇺🇸🔔🗽

You'll never guess who I bumped into on the way to get my glasses fixed?
Everybody!!

Unpleasant scenes when I told my girlfriend I was going fishing on her birthday.
I opened up a whole can of worms.

The only exercise i done last month was running out of money.

Why was the lamp not heavy?

Because it's light.

Although me and my Ex-Wife got divorced, we still live on the Goat Farm together.
It's important to stay together for the Kids.

She fell in love with an air guitarist but he only wanted a no strings attached relationship.

Was going to start on my herb garden today but I haven’t got thyme.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?
He won the nobell prize.

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after a touchdown?
That's not allowed in bowling after a strike.
I know that now.

The problem with rich people is that i am not one.

Just realized MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards.

- Не доверяю я автосервису, где на стенах нет календарей с голыми женщинами...

My wife asked me what she should do when she gets to 40.

I said "Move into 3rd gear..

My mum always used to say
"40 is the new 30"

Lovely woman...

Banned from driving.

Creo que cada persona tiene que pasar por algo que lo destruya para descubrir quién es realmente.

Why don't squirrels swim in cold water?
The nuts shrink.

What do you call a mobile home for insane horses?

Unstable.

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’...

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

I saw my ex girlfriend standing on the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

Фальшивого дрессировщика в цирке быстро раскусили.

You eat sausages your whole life but you refuse vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it.

I was interviewed by the police yesterday, like on the telly , I just answered “no comment “ to every question . I’m starting to think that might be the reason I didn’t get the job.

I packed in my job at the helium balloon factory...I’m not going to be talked to like that..

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.

I saw a woman with a t-shirt that said "Guess" on it.

Apparently "Implants?" was not the appropriate response..?

My buddy got married to a girl whose last name was China.
It's her made in name.

I stood waving to my neighbour for 10 minutes this morning before realising she was cleaning her windows.

La idiotez es una de las enfermedades más virulentas, nunca la padece quien la tiene, sino quienes le rodean.

Que sobrevalorada está la experiencia, si nunca aprendemos nada de ella.

No hay peor consejo que aquel que nos invita a ser nosotros mismos.

En el capitalismo los hombres explotan a los hombres, en el comunismo, es al revés.

Si aquellos que hablan mal de mí dan un vistazo a mi mente, hablarían mucho peor.

Vaya, eres una rareza médica, la prueba definitiva de que se puede vivir perfectamente sin cerero.

No, no alcanzarás la inmortalidad con tu trabajo, solo puedes alcanzarla si no mueres y el trabajo es incompatible con eso.

No me critiques, hay miles de personas que se drogan, millones que fuman o beben y miles de millones que se enamoran, cada quien decide su camino para llegar a la tumba.

Debí ser un estúpido con cupido en mi vida pasada, por eso me ha castigado cruzándote en mi vida.

Sobre el sexo y las relaciones solo deben dar lecciones quienes los hayan probado.

Es curioso cómo funciona el amor, permite que una persona te haga feliz y te deja completamente vulnerable ante ella.

Dicen que el corazón es caprichoso y ahora entiendo por qué, se enamora de quien no debe y no deja de amar a quien le hizo daño.

Sad News
My Obese Parrot died today.
It is however, a huge weight off my Shoulders.

Two drunk guys were fighting. One of them drew a line in the dirt, and said if the other crossed it they would punch them in the face.

That was the punchline.

"My Grandpa recently lost his Mouth Organ"
"His Harmonica?"
"No, his Tongue. But he doesn't like to talk about it"

- Papá ¿Qué se siente tener un hijo tan guapo?.
- No sé hijo, pregúntale a tu Abuelo.

No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.
- Abraham Lincoln

A mistake which makes you humble is much better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

Qué sería de la vida sin la oportunidad de tomar estúpidas decisiones (Doctor House).

No, en serio, sígueme contando tu historia. De hecho, bostezar es mi manera favorita de demostrar cuánto me interesa escucharte.

Mis lágrimas son 1% agua y 99% tus imbecilidades.

El laxante más eficaz del mundo se llama “tenemos que hablar” (Dave Chapelle).

Hay personas, que desde el primer momento en que las ves, sabes que quieres pasar el resto de tu vida… sin volver a verlas.

No entiendo a la gente que es feliz y que todavía no me conoce, de verdad, no la entiendo.

Es increíble la cantidad de problemas que podría solucionar con una motosierra.

Un día cualquiera te darás cuenta de que tus hijos salieron bien feos y te vas a preguntar por qué no te casaste conmigo (Jon Lajoie).

Hay muchas formas de invocar al diablo: mediante una ouija, un rezo, un exorcismo, o preguntando “¿estás enojada mi amor?" (Andreu Buenafuente).

Si el amor es ciego... ¿Por qué la ropa interior es tan popular? (John Goodman)

La inactividad sexual es peligrosa... ¡Produce cuernos! (Will Smith).