Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

- Почему я нравлюсь мужчинам младше меня?
- Ты добрая, а дети это чувствуют.

My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.

I get ignored so much
my name should be terms and conditions.

Had an air guitar party. The mime next door came around to complain.

Together is easy
but
To-get-her is not.

How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather?
He’s got bugs on his teeth.

Being naked with shoes on feels more naked than being totally naked.

What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?
One is reined up and the other rains down.

What did one tornado say to the other?
“Let’s twist again, like we did last summer….”

Why do tornadoes move so erratically?
They are dizzy.

There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.
It’s called Monday.

Jill: How did you find the weather on your vacation?
Bill: I just went outside and there it was!

Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we’d have to call them slow-i-canes.

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the children have to play inside.

You need to try meditating during a storm. It's a really in-lightening experience.

One raindrop turned to the other and said, "Two’s company. Three’s a cloud."

It only rains twice a year in London: August through April and May through July.

It was so cold outside that hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty, but he certainly had a great fall.

The weather forecast was for freezing cold hail, and sure enough, it was an ice day.

Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There's a twist at the end!

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

Lightning storms can be very striking.

The hottest day of the week is Sun-day.

What do you have to do to win gold at the weather forecasting competition? You have to beat the raining champion!

What is the worst type of weather to hire for a job? Lightning because it's always on strike!

What do you get if you cross a shark with ice? Frostbite.

Why should you avoid tornado chasers? Because they’re always passing wind.

What is the opposite of a cold front? A warm back.

What's a king's favourite weather? Hail!

When does it rain money? When there's a change in the weather.

How does a thunderstorm catch fish? With a lightning rod!

What happens when winter arrives? Autumn leaves!

What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear!

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
I have my eye on you.

What did one lightning bolt say to the other lightning bolt?
You're shocking!

Why shouldn’t you start a fight with a cloud?
He’ll storm out on you.

What goes up when the rain comes down?
An umbrella!

How does the rain tie its shoes?
With a rainbow.

What’s a tornado’s favourite game?
Twister!

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle!

Why did the man only wear one boot into town?
He heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!

What falls but never hits the ground?
The temperature.

What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Want to go for a spin?

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear!

A chap goes to the doctor and says “I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth”. The doctor says, “have you seen a psychiatrist?” The man says “no, just a werewolf”.

Why did the cabbage win the race?
Because it was ahead!

- ¿Como se llama la hermana de la madre del atún?
- Latita de atún 😂😂

Anyone know where I can get a left handed screwdriver?

Люди, которые не матерятся, как вы отвечаете на вопрос "Где?"?

I went to a palm reader she said"your single and lonely".
I said"how did you know that"she said "you have spunk on your hand".

I know every single digit of pi.
I just don’t know the order of them.

I tossed a coin 15 times, and every single time it landed on tails.
I'm starting to think that it's not just a coin-cidence.

Two old guys chatting about sleeping.
First guy: I am having trouble sleeping every single night.

Second guy: I sleep like a baby, I wake up in the morning, no hair, no teeth and I have fucking shit myself again.

I was at a restaurant...
A girl came over to me and asked "are you single? So I excitedly replied "Yes!"

So she took the extra chair from my table.

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.
But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.

The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’

‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows . . .’

My favourite type of woman would be a single mom...
once I am done with her.

Which band had a hit single with “Jive Talkin’”?
A) Gees


B) Gees


C) Gees


D) Gees

Is buttcheeks one word or should I spread them apart?

Being single and childless is not a choice.
I was born this way.

What's the difference between singles and eggs on Valentine's day?
The eggs get laid!

Why single Men shave their dick n' balls ?
The chances of a random blowjob are low, but never 0.

If Valentine’s Day is for couples what holiday is for single guys?
Palm Sunday.

What happened to the single IT technician when he tried to flirt with a barista at a cafe?
He was unable to make a connection to the server.

What do single people call Valentine's Day?
Happy Independence Day.

If you're bi and single then you aren't bisexual.
Your bi yourself.

What's the difference between single life and married life?
When you're married, there's no volume on when watching porn.

I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.

Married men live longer than single men,
but married men are more willing to die.

A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple.

How much space would a single, fun guy need for his new apartment?
mushroom!

Friend: You give the best relationship advices, but why are you single.
Me: Coaches don't play.

Why are all anti-vaxxers single?
Because they don't shoot their shot.

A woman is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: "You must be single."
The woman answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

Why I'm single now.
My wife said I had no empathy. I had no idea she felt that way.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.

When I was single I always felt like a pirate.
I'd start by looking for wenches with a good chest, but always ended up distracted by their booty.

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life...
One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
A month later, she became his stepmother.

Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed.
A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife.
"You're too fat".