Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Teacher: Johnny, please use the words “letter carrier” in a sentence.
Johnny: Yes, ma’am. “My dad said that after seeing how many things my mom was bringing on vacation, he would rather letter carrier own luggage.”

- Where did Tarzan go on summer vacation?
- Where?
- Hollywood and Vine.

- What did the bread do on vacation?
- What?
- It loafed around.

- Why can’t basketball players go on summer vacation?
- Why not?
- They’d get called for traveling!

- Where do goldfish go on vacation?
- Where?
- Around the globe!

- My son came to visit for summer vacation.
- How nice! Did you meet him at the airport?
- Oh, no. I’ve known him for years!

- Where do eggs go on summer vacation?
- I don’t know.
- New Yolk City!

- Why don’t mummies go on summer vacation?
- I don’t know.
- They’re afraid to relax and unwind!

- Why did the robot go on summer vacation?
- I haven’t a clue.
- He needed to recharge his batteries.

- Where do sharks go on summer vacation?
- Where?
- Finland!

My grief counsellor died last week, luckily he was so good I couldn't care less.

Neurotics build castles in the sky. Psychotics live in them. Psychiatrists collect the rent.

Last week my shrink asked me if i heard voices in my head. I told her no, but that i could hear the voices in HER head. She didn't laugh, so I diagnosed her with having HDD. She asked what that was? I told her that HDD was humour deficit disorder! and she had a bad case of it.

A psychologist returned from a conference in Aspen lodge, where all the psychologists were permitted to ski for free. Her husband asked her, "How it went?". She replied, "Fine, but I've never seen so many Freudians slips."

Psychiatrist to his blonde nurse: "Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.'"

I've decided I don't have bipolar disorder, I must have Down's Syndrome. 'cause I can handle the up's but not the down's!

Why is psychotherapy a lot quicker for a man then for a women? Because when it's time to go back to childhood, a man is already there.

What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend the night together? In the morning each of them says: "200 dollars, please."

An elevator walks into a psychiatrist office and says, hey Doc i think I'm out of control. The Doctor replies your an elevator in your line of work your going to have your ups and downs!

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent.

Last night, like every night, I dreamt I was half horse, half man.
My shrink says I'm just being self centaured.

A moth flew in to a physiotherapists
The physio: what is wrong?

The moth: I feel so depressed, worthless, useless to society, and I really need help.


The Moth: "The light was on".

What is a psychologist's most powerful weapon?
The shrink ray.

My brother-in-law, a clinical psychologist, says he is cutting back the days and hours of his work week.
In short his practice is shrinking.

Why did the cat see a shrink?
He had a pursonality disorder.

I'm seeing a shrink because I keep beating myself up.
Turns out my therapist is my old high school bully. He says he can help me with that.

What do you call a retired shrink ?
A shrunk.

I used to think I was a hypochondriac...
Till my shrink told me it was all in my head.

A man with an unusually large head came in to see the psychiatrist.
A few minutes later, he left the room, angrily yelling at the receptionist.

R: Sir, please calm down and tell what's making you so angry.

M: I came in to see the head shrink, but my head is still the same size!

A man goes to a psychiatrist due to a reoccurring dream...
He says to the shrink, "Sir, I've been dreaming that I wrote "The Lord of the Rings", night after night. What could this mean?"

The doctor ponders for a moment and says, "You've been Tolkien in your sleep."

Patient responds "pussy" to every Rorschach inkblot the shrink shows him.
Shrink says, "Well - you seem quite sex-obsessed."

Patient says "Waddya mean I'm sex-obsessed? YOU'RE the one showing the dirty pictures!"

The other day I snuck a peek at my shrink's notes and I saw she'd written "MESSIAH COMPLEX" in big capital letters. It caught me off guard.
I've known I'm the messiah all of my life but I've never been called complex before.

A man tells his shrink he's no longer attracted to his wife.
"For some reason I'm only aroused by small pieces of fruit."

"I've seen this before, you have Twin Syndrome.," the doc replies.

"Twin Syndrome?"

"You only come in pears."

The psychiatrist asks the patient, "So what seems to be the problem?"
"Well Doc, for a long time now, I've believed that I'm really a dog!"

"And how long have you felt this way?", asks the shrink.

"Ever since I was a puppy."

Guy goes to his shrink and says, "I think I'm a French pair of shoes!"
The shrink replies, "What makes you chaussures?".

A man went to see a shrink.
He entered the room and remained standing by the door.
"I'm here because my wife treats me like a dog" the man said.
"Ok" the shrink replied, "Come and sit on this sofa and we can talk some more about this problem".
"No, i can't" said the man... "I'm not allowed on the sofa".

Three women were at a shrink’s office with their kids
The shrink told the first woman, “You love food so you named your child Candy.” He told the second, “You love money so you named your child Penny.” The third woman told her son, “This is ridiculous. Let’s get out of here, Peter.”

I told my shrink, "every morning I see an ugly creature in the mirror, whats wrong with me?"
He said, "you've got perfect vision."

My shrink thinks I’m looking for love in all the wrong places.
She said I can’t trust women who charge by the hour.

Guy goes to a shrink.
What seems to be the problem?

The guy says, I keep having this recurring dream I’m an auto mechanic.
The shrink says, OK get under the couch.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only plastic wrap for shorts.
The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

How many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb.
One
But the lightbulb has to really want to change.

My shrink says i have a gambling problem..
i asked "doctor is there a cure" she said "no dice!"

"Has anyone here seen my shrink-wrap?" asked someone in the warehouse.
"I never knew your psychiatrist likes hip hop music," I replied.

Men’s day isn’t as popular as Women’s day because we can’t celebrate all the achievements of men in a single day.

Someone asked me during lunch, "what subjects do we have later?"
I replied, "literature, and the rest... is history!"

Dieting can be hard,
But not dieting is a piece of cake.

My internet addiction is getting alt of ctrl.

What happened to the car-salesman who was spamming in Germany?

He got autobahned.

There's always that song that reminds me another song.

- Почему я нравлюсь мужчинам младше меня?
- Ты добрая, а дети это чувствуют.

My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.

I get ignored so much
my name should be terms and conditions.

Had an air guitar party. The mime next door came around to complain.

Together is easy
but
To-get-her is not.

How do you spot a happy motorcyclist in fair weather?
He’s got bugs on his teeth.

Being naked with shoes on feels more naked than being totally naked.

What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?
One is reined up and the other rains down.

What did one tornado say to the other?
“Let’s twist again, like we did last summer….”

Why do tornadoes move so erratically?
They are dizzy.

There’s a technical term for a sunny, warm day which follows two rainy days.
It’s called Monday.

Jill: How did you find the weather on your vacation?
Bill: I just went outside and there it was!

Why do hurricanes travel so fast?
Because if they travelled slowly, we’d have to call them slow-i-canes.

Why do mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because then the children have to play inside.

You need to try meditating during a storm. It's a really in-lightening experience.

One raindrop turned to the other and said, "Two’s company. Three’s a cloud."

It only rains twice a year in London: August through April and May through July.

It was so cold outside that hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!

It was a terrible summer for Humpty Dumpty, but he certainly had a great fall.

The weather forecast was for freezing cold hail, and sure enough, it was an ice day.

Did you hear of the story of the tornado? There's a twist at the end!

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

Lightning storms can be very striking.

The hottest day of the week is Sun-day.

What do you have to do to win gold at the weather forecasting competition? You have to beat the raining champion!

What is the worst type of weather to hire for a job? Lightning because it's always on strike!

What do you get if you cross a shark with ice? Frostbite.

Why should you avoid tornado chasers? Because they’re always passing wind.

What is the opposite of a cold front? A warm back.

What's a king's favourite weather? Hail!