Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest... just not more than I don’t want to.

Being Single is so difficult
your Crush Changes Daily.

Закон супружеской жизни №327:
Радуйся жизни так, чтобы об этом не узнала жена.

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

— Хаим, вчера проходил мимо твоего дома…
— Спасибо!

Why are linux geeks very introverted?
Because they never come out of their shell.

Don't u hate it when u offer food and the other person says yes ?

My girl friend broke up with me due to my inability to express my feelings.

Can't say I'm surprised.

The girlfriend says I’m tight, so to prove her wrong we went out for some tea and biscuits.

It was quite exciting as she’s never given blood before.

Remember when air was free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50 you know why ?
Inflation...

A salesman from a stationery company ‘phoned me and tried to sell me some printer ink but I said ‘No thanks’...
I didn’t like his toner voice...

I've suffered with Amnesia for as long as I can remember.

Won all the prizes at the Janitor Association raffle. It was a clean sweep.

What did the math book say to the literature book?
You're so full of great stories, I'm just filled with problems.

My husband claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'.......... Is that:
a) Weird
b) Annoying
c) Unfair

My poor knowledge of Greek Mythology has always been my Achilles Elbow.

"It's not about who's right or wrong." -The person that is wrong

Saw an almond in space once. Think it was an astronut.

I still make time for all my favorite hobbies like drinking, swearing, and making people feel uncomfortable.

В сексе Оксане больше всего не нравилось ехать домой на такси.

Just been pulled over by the police for having acne.
It turns out they were doing spot checks.

Apparently Snow White has taken up a new career as a judge. After all, she's the fairest of them all.

"My mate would love to re-open his shop but there's still too much Red Tape at the moment"
"Sorry to hear that, what does he do?"
"He sells Red Tape"

A Member of our school brass band was a dyslexic girl who played the Toblerone!

Madurar es ver a tu ex con otra persona y desearle lo mejor aún sabiendo que lo mejor eres tú.

When I started my job at the ladder company, I wanted to get right to the top, one step at a time.

Bad news: I spilled coffee on my keyboard.
Good news: It’s all under control.

Single by choice.
just not my choice.

A cardiac patient with end-stage heart disease was informed that he
needed an immediate heart transplant operation.

The heart surgeon told him, "You can have a doctor’s
heart for $10,000 dollars or a Rabbi’s heart for $25,000
dollars or I can give you a lawyer’s heart for $100,000 dollars."

The patient asked, "Why is the lawyer’s heart so much
more expensive than the others?" "

Well," replied the surgeon, "we have to go through a lot
of lawyers to find a heart."

Going to the optometrist tomorrow to help me focus better at work.. Could be eye-opening. Will have to see.

I'm not impatient. I just patient really fast.

Did you know that if you took the Eiffel Tower apart and laid each piece end to end you could go to jail for a very long time?

I have an amazing superpower - I can melt ice cubes by staring at them.
It takes me quite a long time though.

Why is there only dad jokes but not mom jokes ?

Gave the dog a bath yesterday!
It's just sitting in his kennel though, I don't think he knows how to plumb it in.

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows ?

What's the difference between a bluebird and an elephant ?
A bluebird is blue !
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming ?
" Here come the bluebirds !
( Tarzan was colour blind )

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...”
I asked “Are you single??”
She replied “No, I’m a dentist.”

"Muffins" backwards describes what you do when you take them out of the oven.

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, or just a low ha?

Got a new jacket recently made entirely of living plants. I wasn't sure at first, but it's grown on me.

"La gente buena, nos da felicidad; la gente mala, experiencia."

—¿QUÉ LE HICISTE AL CARRO HIJO?

—Fue un accidente papá.

—Tú tambien fuiste un accidente y te he tratado con cuidado.

—Ay :(.

I'll never buy a pepper mill from Wimbledon again. Everything was overground or underground.

I've been a fan of Gazpacho soup since before it was cool.

- я не кончила
- главное, что ты человек хороший!

I went into the woods with a clown. He told me that he would give me candy if I juggled his balls I felt funny afterwards.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Did you hear about the man who collected rare pennies??
He didn't have alot of common cents

I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

"I'm great in bed" -Breakfast

Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave.

How is a circus different from a singles bar?

At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.

What's the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!

I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.

I asked my husband to drop his trousers at the dry cleaners. Apparently he got a nice round of applause but I've banned him from going again.

Got sacked from my job as a police officer last week, I think it was
My
Take no prisoners attitude 😳

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

I don't normally poop with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in flight movie.

If satan punishes bad people does that mean he is good ?

Roman Numerals. What are they good IV?

I really have something to say, and I'm going to shout it out from the rooftops!!
"Someone has stolen my ladder!!”

I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

Middle age is when you finally get your head together
and your body starts falling apart.

Benefits of dating me
1. I'm ugly and poor so no one will ever try to steal me from you.

Strange people who don't have time for old friends but still search for new ones.

What do you give a taxidermist on Christmas day?

Stuffed turkey!