Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

When does it rain money? When there's a change in the weather.

How does a thunderstorm catch fish? With a lightning rod!

What happens when winter arrives? Autumn leaves!

What do you call a grizzly bear caught in the rain?
A drizzly bear!

What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?
I have my eye on you.

What did one lightning bolt say to the other lightning bolt?
You're shocking!

Why shouldn’t you start a fight with a cloud?
He’ll storm out on you.

What goes up when the rain comes down?
An umbrella!

How does the rain tie its shoes?
With a rainbow.

What’s a tornado’s favourite game?
Twister!

What happens when it rains cats and dogs?
You might step in a poodle!

Why did the man only wear one boot into town?
He heard there would be a 50% chance of snow!

What falls but never hits the ground?
The temperature.

What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Want to go for a spin?

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear!

A chap goes to the doctor and says “I keep seeing a werewolf, with big sharp teeth”. The doctor says, “have you seen a psychiatrist?” The man says “no, just a werewolf”.

Why did the cabbage win the race?
Because it was ahead!

- ¿Como se llama la hermana de la madre del atún?
- Latita de atún 😂😂

Anyone know where I can get a left handed screwdriver?

Люди, которые не матерятся, как вы отвечаете на вопрос "Где?"?

I went to a palm reader she said"your single and lonely".
I said"how did you know that"she said "you have spunk on your hand".

I know every single digit of pi.
I just don’t know the order of them.

I tossed a coin 15 times, and every single time it landed on tails.
I'm starting to think that it's not just a coin-cidence.

Two old guys chatting about sleeping.
First guy: I am having trouble sleeping every single night.

Second guy: I sleep like a baby, I wake up in the morning, no hair, no teeth and I have fucking shit myself again.

I was at a restaurant...
A girl came over to me and asked "are you single? So I excitedly replied "Yes!"

So she took the extra chair from my table.

A good looking man walked into a singles bar, bought a drink and settled down ready to use his best lines.
But for the next two hours every woman he approached gave him the brush-off. Then suddenly a really ugly guy walked in and within seconds he was surrounded by beautiful, available women. A few minutes later he sauntered out with a stunning brunette on each arm.

The handsome guy was thoroughly despondent. Turning to the bartender, he said: ‘I don't get it. How did that guy walk out with those two when I can't even get a phone number?’

‘I don’t know what his secret is,’ said the barman. ‘But he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows . . .’

My favourite type of woman would be a single mom...
once I am done with her.

Which band had a hit single with “Jive Talkin’”?
A) Gees


B) Gees


C) Gees


D) Gees

Is buttcheeks one word or should I spread them apart?

Being single and childless is not a choice.
I was born this way.

What's the difference between singles and eggs on Valentine's day?
The eggs get laid!

Why single Men shave their dick n' balls ?
The chances of a random blowjob are low, but never 0.

If Valentine’s Day is for couples what holiday is for single guys?
Palm Sunday.

What happened to the single IT technician when he tried to flirt with a barista at a cafe?
He was unable to make a connection to the server.

What do single people call Valentine's Day?
Happy Independence Day.

If you're bi and single then you aren't bisexual.
Your bi yourself.

What's the difference between single life and married life?
When you're married, there's no volume on when watching porn.

I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.

Married men live longer than single men,
but married men are more willing to die.

A plane crashes. Every single person dies. Who survives?
Every couple.

How much space would a single, fun guy need for his new apartment?
mushroom!

Friend: You give the best relationship advices, but why are you single.
Me: Coaches don't play.

Why are all anti-vaxxers single?
Because they don't shoot their shot.

A woman is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: "You must be single."
The woman answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

Why I'm single now.
My wife said I had no empathy. I had no idea she felt that way.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.

When I was single I always felt like a pirate.
I'd start by looking for wenches with a good chest, but always ended up distracted by their booty.

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life...
One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
A month later, she became his stepmother.

Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed.
A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife.
"You're too fat".

I asked Siri “Why I’m still single?”.
She opened the front facing camera.

I've always had a lot of respect for single moms.
That's why i go to the strip clubs and donate my dollar bills.

– Te dejo por infantil.
— Eso lo dices porque te gano a las canicas.

Penguin books seem to only publish extremist literature...
For them, everything is just black and white.

My wife does bird imitations.

She watches me like a hawk.

My boss say I didn't meet the working requirements at the gun factory.

So I was fired.

A moment of silence for everything i have to do but am not doing.😑

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”
“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore.

Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light.

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

Chuck Norris once split a man in by giving him a wedgie.

Chuck Norris once ate at Taco Bell and didn’t get diarrhea…

Mission Impossible was originally set in Chuck Norris’s house.