Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why are all anti-vaxxers single?
Because they don't shoot their shot.

A woman is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: "You must be single."
The woman answers: "Wow, how did you know?"
Cashier: "Because you're ugly."

Why I'm single now.
My wife said I had no empathy. I had no idea she felt that way.

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.

When I was single I always felt like a pirate.
I'd start by looking for wenches with a good chest, but always ended up distracted by their booty.

A single guy was living with his elderly father and running the family business. He realized he was going to inherit a fortune once his ailing father died and decided he needed a wife to share his life...
One day at the bank, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen and made his move.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy." he said to her. "But in a few years, my father will die and I'll inherit 10 million dollars."
Impressed, the woman asked for his business card.
A month later, she became his stepmother.

Why are married women fatter than single women?
A single woman looks in her fridge, sees nothing appetizing and goes to bed.
A married women looks in her bed, sees nothing appetizing and goes to the fridge.

In the interests of self care, and to promote healthier lifestyle choices for myself now that I'm single, each morning when I get up, I look myself in the mirror, and say the three little words I always used to say to my wife.
"You're too fat".

I asked Siri “Why I’m still single?”.
She opened the front facing camera.

I've always had a lot of respect for single moms.
That's why i go to the strip clubs and donate my dollar bills.

– Te dejo por infantil.
— Eso lo dices porque te gano a las canicas.

Penguin books seem to only publish extremist literature...
For them, everything is just black and white.

My wife does bird imitations.

She watches me like a hawk.

My boss say I didn't meet the working requirements at the gun factory.

So I was fired.

A moment of silence for everything i have to do but am not doing.😑

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”
“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore.

Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris writes, he makes paper bleed.

Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris stands faster than anyone can run.

Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick butt at the same time.

Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will change the spelling.

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light.

Chuck Norris has a mug of nails instead of coffee in the morning.

Chuck Norris once split a man in by giving him a wedgie.

Chuck Norris once ate at Taco Bell and didn’t get diarrhea…

Mission Impossible was originally set in Chuck Norris’s house.

Chuck Norris once shattered the space-time continuum. He felt so bad, he put it back together.

Chuck Norris named his daughter Mercy. The day she was born was the only day Chuck Norris ever had Mercy.

On New Year’s Eve, Chuck Norris promised that he’d lose 20 pounds. The next morning he shaved his chest and smiled as he realized that he’d lost 30.

What’s the strongest part of Chuck Norris? His opinion.

Chuck Norris found the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge.

When we first landed on the moon, the astronauts noted there was print on the moon that said “Chuck Norris was here.”

When Christopher Columbus discovered America, he was greeted by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded.

Chuck Norris beats rock, paper, scissors. Cannon balls, tanks, super destroyers, exploding stars — I could go on.

When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

Bigfoot claims he once saw Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.

Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest. With a fish.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.