Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Chuck Norris once shattered the space-time continuum. He felt so bad, he put it back together.

Chuck Norris named his daughter Mercy. The day she was born was the only day Chuck Norris ever had Mercy.

On New Year’s Eve, Chuck Norris promised that he’d lose 20 pounds. The next morning he shaved his chest and smiled as he realized that he’d lost 30.

What’s the strongest part of Chuck Norris? His opinion.

Chuck Norris found the last digit of pi.

Chuck Norris plays Jenga with Stonehenge.

When we first landed on the moon, the astronauts noted there was print on the moon that said “Chuck Norris was here.”

When Christopher Columbus discovered America, he was greeted by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people. Then it exploded.

Chuck Norris beats rock, paper, scissors. Cannon balls, tanks, super destroyers, exploding stars — I could go on.

When God said, “Let there be light!” Chuck said, “Say Please.”

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.

Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.

Chuck Norris’ cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.

Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

Chuck Norris can clap with one hand.

Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

Chuck Norris can make a slinky go upstairs.

Chuck Norris can sit in the corner of a round room.

Bigfoot claims he once saw Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It didn’t work.

Chuck Norris narrates Morgan Freeman’s life.

Chuck Norris once won an underwater breathing contest. With a fish.

A bulletproof vest wears Chuck Norris for protection.

When Chuck Norris was born he drove his mom home from the hospital.

The only time Chuck Norris was ever wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

Chuck refers to himself in the fourth person.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.

Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack. His heart lost.

The dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris can speak Braille.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s beef.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s secret.

Chuck Norris makes onions cry.

Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.

Chuck Norris can hear sign language.

Chuck Norris can kill your imaginary friends.

If Chuck Norris were to travel to an alternate dimension in which there was another Chuck Norris and they both fought, they would both win.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. He decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

I’ve always wanted to climb Mt. Everest... just not more than I don’t want to.

Being Single is so difficult
your Crush Changes Daily.

Закон супружеской жизни №327:
Радуйся жизни так, чтобы об этом не узнала жена.

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."
Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

— Хаим, вчера проходил мимо твоего дома…
— Спасибо!

Why are linux geeks very introverted?
Because they never come out of their shell.

Don't u hate it when u offer food and the other person says yes ?

My girl friend broke up with me due to my inability to express my feelings.

Can't say I'm surprised.

The girlfriend says I’m tight, so to prove her wrong we went out for some tea and biscuits.

It was quite exciting as she’s never given blood before.

Remember when air was free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50 you know why ?
Inflation...

A salesman from a stationery company ‘phoned me and tried to sell me some printer ink but I said ‘No thanks’...
I didn’t like his toner voice...

I've suffered with Amnesia for as long as I can remember.

Won all the prizes at the Janitor Association raffle. It was a clean sweep.

What did the math book say to the literature book?
You're so full of great stories, I'm just filled with problems.

My husband claims I try to make everything into a 'quiz'.......... Is that:
a) Weird
b) Annoying
c) Unfair

My poor knowledge of Greek Mythology has always been my Achilles Elbow.

"It's not about who's right or wrong." -The person that is wrong

Saw an almond in space once. Think it was an astronut.

I still make time for all my favorite hobbies like drinking, swearing, and making people feel uncomfortable.

В сексе Оксане больше всего не нравилось ехать домой на такси.

Just been pulled over by the police for having acne.
It turns out they were doing spot checks.

Apparently Snow White has taken up a new career as a judge. After all, she's the fairest of them all.