Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.

A friend has an excellent nose for wine. It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

If a door can be ajar, can a jar be a door?

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how..."
"Ten!"
"...impatient are you?"

Надо говорить не "ложка", а "клади-ка".

A new study claims that one in every three people is unfaithful.
I just need to figure out is it my husband or my boyfriend ? 🤔

Say YES to MASKS,
NO to BRA'S.
FREE THE TITTIES.
PROTECT THE CITIES!

I was in a lesbian relationship once.
🤦
I mean....
I wasn't with another woman or anything. He just acted like a bitch.

Shout out to my grandpa, that's the only way he can hear.

Where do Russian Hackers store their exploits?

/ussr/bin/

What did Sigmund Freud say to dishonest patients?

"Please lie on the couch".

Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired.

"What is a sea monster's favourite snack? Ships and dip."

The 1st rule of paradox club is to follow rule number 2.
The 2nd rule of paradox club is to not follow rule number 1.

Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.

Harry: I need a new invisibility cloak.

Hermione: Try this one on.

Harry: I don't like it.

Hermione: Why?

Harry: I just don't see myself in it.

Dear mathematics: Stop asking to find your x, she has a new boyfriend now.

If you want dreams to happen go to bed.

I wanted to be sarcastic then I realized that I don't really care.

What's the most popular song on a Klingon's playlist?
Kahless Whisper.

I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect...
Then they fried me for no raisin....

Только картошка в Беларуси не опозорила свой мундир.

Когда подобрал котёнка на помойке, он тоже может потом сказать, что нашёл тебя на помойке.

How did the squid make the whale laugh? With ten tickles.

- Прочитал легенду о Прометее, просто огонь!
- А про Икара не читал? Улёт!

Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.

But the instructions just say ‘You know the rules, and so do I”

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where's popcorn?

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.

People need to stop putting flyers on my car. No, I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse".

My beautician girlfriend said she wants to learn another language.

I said I think you will Nail Polish 💅🤔

Apple=Vitamins
.
Vitamins=Power
.
Power=Work
.
Work=Money
.
Money=Women
.
Women=Sex
.
Sex=Aids
.

Aids=Death

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away…

It’s an honour to be elected President of the Secrets Club. I can’t tell you how happy I am.

do british people still do the accent when nobody's around?

A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.

If u ever need nothing i'm here for u.

These days, everyone seems to think that our smartphones are spying on us .
I've got news for you..
Our vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.. .

—Amor, ¿me veo bien?

—Te ves hermosa.

—No seas mentiroso y abre los ojos.

—¡No quiero! ¡Tengo miedo! :'(

My friend is a boxer but he’s not very good.

His nickname is ‘Picasso’ as he spends so much time on the canvas...

The plus sign has no equal.

My mum always insists she doesn't have a 'favourite' child.
Which is pretty upsetting because i haven't got any brothers or sisters.

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.

I nailed it.

So I said to my mate, “Why are you putting a copy of ‘Rockin’ All Over the World’ in a jar of pickling vinegar?”

He said “I’m trying to preserve the Status Quo”

Отсутствие волос на голове мужчины - это дополнительная площадь для поцелуев!

It was a sad day when I found out that my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

Mr Spock! come and listen to this,
"I'm all ears Captain,".....
"Yes I know but listen anyway "

Si lo dijiste borracho; lo pensaste sobrio.

I have a book coming out soon! Don't know what possessed me to eat it in the first place... 😰

I'm not racist. I love all races. Except marathons. Fuck running.

An infinite number of mathematician walk into a bar. First one orders a beer. Second orders half a beer. Third one 1/3 of a beer. The bartender pours 2 beers and says. You got gotta know your limits 🤣

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornados ..
It's only a draft at the moment..

There are three problem in my life
1) Face
2) 1
3) 2

В каждом доме должны быть уют, радость и штопор.

Greggs have just announced plans to start a home delivery service using drones.
All sounds a bit pie in the sky to me...

Already chosen my new year's resolution
1280x1024

I can't stop eating Polos, Extra Strong Mints, Mentos and Tic tacs...

I'm worried I’m going to end up in a menthol institution.

They say sniffing Rosemary will improve your memory. I sniffed Rosemary once. She hit me... I don't remember much after that!

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I'm now in hospital, waiting to be seen...

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's sad that they will never meet...

А вы знаете, почему канадские женщины при занятии сексом предпочитают позу сзади?
Они тоже любят посмотреть хоккейный матч.

- Держитесь, помощь скоро придёт!
- В смысле?
- Бог поможет!

Минеральная вода - это компот из камней!

- Мне так с тобой хорошо!
- Ты особо не привыкай...

I had 2 watches stolen from my hotel room while I was on holiday in Spain.

Adios Omegas 😕

I've just finished a positive thinking course.

What a waste of time 😠

- Опишите свою внешность...
- Привыкнуть можно!

My husband always takes the elevator, whereas I always prefer the stairs.

I guess we are raised differently.

В это тяжёлое для страны время все мы вместе должны держаться друг от друга подальше.

- Doctor, es... ¿es muy grave lo que tengo?
- ¡Hostia puta! ¡Parad la autopsia!

школа православного программирования "кодило".

Сегодня резко упал курс доллара. За один доллар давали только во Одессе.

What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?

He goes under cover.

Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy.
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him putting his gun back in his pocket.

Son: Dad is our house haunted?
Dad: May be, but Im not sure.
Son: But the maid told me last night ghosts are not real
Dad: Run, we dont have a maid.

Just met a woman with 2 left feet wearing a pair of flip flips

Если будешь есть много трансжиров, то вскоре превратишься в жирного транса.

- ¡Soldado López!
- ¡Sí, mi capitán!

- No lo vi ayer en la prueba de camuflaje.

- ¡Gracias, mi capitán!

— Juan ¿Has visto mis hormonas para lo del embarazo? Estaban junto a tus vitaminas
— Tú sabrás
— ¿Qué te pasa?
— Nada
— Juaan
— ¿Me quieres?

Never date a man who can't respect your husband.
Never date a woman who can't respect your wife.

I’m now a qualified counterfeiter and I have the certificate to prove it !