Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

– Qué gordas y feas son tus hijas
— ¡¡¿Cómo osas?!!
– Exacto.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A Bulldozer.

Does a one-legged man wear a trouser?

Any ideas on how to fix my amplifier? Feedback please.

Mark Knopfler comes home carrying a large picture frame & chips
Wife: What you been up to?
MK: I was at the Auction & got a French Impressionist painting & I got you a chippy
Wife: How much have spent this time?
MK: Nothing, I got the Monet for nothing and the chips for free.

My wife just surprised me by admitting she has just had plastic facial surgery yet was surprisingly tight lipped about the cost !

My wife's miffed. Someone stole her pants off the line. She's not bothered about the pants, she just wants her 12 pegs back.

I'm suing my wife. She won't let me get tattoos of grizzlies on each of my biceps. She's infringing on my right to bear arms.

When my house was built they did the downstairs and upstairs, I tried to get them to add a second floor...but that's another storey.

There will be a massive confusion if Americans change from pounds to kilograms. Just weight and see.

Good dating advice. Telling a woman she looks absolutely radiant unless her name is Marie Curie.

— Сема, ты таки хочешь чаю?
— Да!
— Так встань и завари!
— Тогда нет.
— Так лежи и не ври!

Just watched the director's cut of a Rowan Atkinson spy film whilst eating breakfast. It was the full English.

La pire position sexuelle c'est quand t'es allongé en dessous et qu'au dessus il n'y a personne...🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️😂

Your mom's so slow that it took her 9 months to make a joke.

I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language.

And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.

I asked the librarian for a books on Frank Sinatra. She said "we've got a few...but then again...to few to mention."

The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.

I met this chap at a party and I said
"Come outside and I'll show you a good time"
So he did and I ran 100 metres in 9.87 seconds.

People who confuse entomology and etymology bug me more than I can put into words.

I've been a musician for years. Was once in a band called 'The Radiators'. We were the warm up act. The I joined 'The Duvets'. We mainly did covers. After that, I was in a duo called 'Cats Eyes'. Mostly middle of the road stuff. Now I'm in a group called 'Missing Cat'. You may have seen our posters.

I was so ugly as a child,mam and dad played hide and seek with me, I'm still looking for them.

Why is it when someone goes into a baby changing room with a baby they always come out with the same one ?

''Dad, there's a man at the door with a bald head''
''Tell him i've got one''

Completely forgot I booked a trip to Egypt. I must be going seenile.

My wife wanted me to have beard

I wasn't keen on the idea but it's starting to grow on me.

People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get dough nuts.

What happens if you play a country song backwards...
Your wife comes back
Your truck gets fixed and
Your dog gets better.

My wife said, “You really have no sense of direction, do you?”

I said, “Where did that come from?”

Last night my neighbour shouted so loudly at her kids.
that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

Running feels great unless you compare it to not running.

I bought a new muzzle for my pet duck. Nothing flashy but it fits the bill...

What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?

Лучше с трудом заниматься любовью, чем с любовью заниматься трудом!

I've just watched the uncut version of Scarface.

It's just called Face.

The zoo is a safe place to fart.

Was in Cairo recently.. Disappointed to see that the people walk just like us.

I got a new Puppy yesterday, called it Rolex, gonna be a watch dog.

Выборы в США: спасибо деду за победу!

Policeman: Name please?
Man: Wizard of Oz.
Policeman: your FUll name sir!
Man: (quietly) Wizard of Ounces
🧙‍♂️😜

having a friend with the same level of dirty mind is blessing...

FUN FACT
A pig can eat a pedophile in 8 minutes
🤷‍♂️
#SaveOurChildren

Я на себя ничего не трачу. Всё уходит на вино и женщин.

Went into the library this morning and I asked the woman there for a book about turtles. 'Hardback?' she asked. I nodded 'Yeah, and little heads.

Why did the pig dump her boyfriend?
Because he was a real BOAR.

A bomb has been discovered hidden inside a can of alphabetti spaghetti...if that had gone off it could have spelt disaster.

I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit's feet...

I thought, “Well he's pushing his luck!”

I've finished writing my new book, the A to C of laziness.

Doctor, when is the coronavirus pandemic going to end?

I don't know, I'm not that into politics.

Wife busy packing clothes
Hubby : Where are you going
Wife : To my mother

Hubby also starts packing
Wife : And where do you think you are going
Hubby : Am also going to my mother
Wife : What about the kids
Hubby - Since you are going to your mother and am also going to my mother , the kids should also go to their mother.

"Dad, was I adopted as a child?"
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully:

"We tried, but nobody would take you"

Never date a girl who can’t respect your wife.

Son: Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!

Dad: You know you can do better.

Son: Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot.

Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend.

Son: Dad, I have an imaginary girlfriend!

Dad: You know you can do better.

Son: Oh! Thanks Dad, that means a lot.

Dad: I was talking to your girlfriend.

How did the geography student drown?

His grades were below C level.

Q) If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware?

A) Idaho... Alaska!

Which country is the slippiest?
Greece!

What's the coldest country?
Chile!

What do you call a country populated entirely by donkeys?
An assassination!

What was Thor's favourite thing about geography?
Learning about the equa-thor!

Why did the Romanian stop reading at night?
They were giving the Bucharest!

How do mountains see?
They peak!

What did the rock say to the geographer?
Don't take me for granite!

What do you call a map guide to Alcatraz?
A con-tour map!

Which is smarter? Longitude or latitude.
Longitude, because it has 360 degrees!

Where do crayons go on vacation?
Color-ado!

What do you call the little rivers that flow into the Nile?
Juveniles!

Why does the Yeti know all the map symbols?
Because it's a legend!

Q: Teacher: What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?
A: Student: I didn't even know it was sick!

Q: What is the fastest country in the world?
A: Rush-a!

Q: What did Delaware?
A: Her New Jersey!

Q: What is the capital of Washington?
A: The W!

Q: What city cheats at exams?
A: Peking!

Q: What rock group has four men that don't sing?
A: Mount Rushmore!

Q: Teacher: Where is the English Channel?
A: Student: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up!

Q: What are the Great Plains?
A: The 747, Concorde and F-16!

Q: Where to pencils come from?
A: Pennsylvania!

Q: What stays in the corner, but travels around the world?
A: A stamp!

Q: What is the smartest state?
A: Alabama, it has four A's and one B.