Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"My mate would love to re-open his shop but there's still too much Red Tape at the moment"
"Sorry to hear that, what does he do?"
"He sells Red Tape"

A Member of our school brass band was a dyslexic girl who played the Toblerone!

Madurar es ver a tu ex con otra persona y desearle lo mejor aún sabiendo que lo mejor eres tú.

When I started my job at the ladder company, I wanted to get right to the top, one step at a time.

Bad news: I spilled coffee on my keyboard.
Good news: It’s all under control.

Single by choice.
just not my choice.

A cardiac patient with end-stage heart disease was informed that he
needed an immediate heart transplant operation.

The heart surgeon told him, "You can have a doctor’s
heart for $10,000 dollars or a Rabbi’s heart for $25,000
dollars or I can give you a lawyer’s heart for $100,000 dollars."

The patient asked, "Why is the lawyer’s heart so much
more expensive than the others?" "

Well," replied the surgeon, "we have to go through a lot
of lawyers to find a heart."

Going to the optometrist tomorrow to help me focus better at work.. Could be eye-opening. Will have to see.

I'm not impatient. I just patient really fast.

Did you know that if you took the Eiffel Tower apart and laid each piece end to end you could go to jail for a very long time?

I have an amazing superpower - I can melt ice cubes by staring at them.
It takes me quite a long time though.

Why is there only dad jokes but not mom jokes ?

Gave the dog a bath yesterday!
It's just sitting in his kennel though, I don't think he knows how to plumb it in.

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows ?

What's the difference between a bluebird and an elephant ?
A bluebird is blue !
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming ?
" Here come the bluebirds !
( Tarzan was colour blind )

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
Walk him and pitch to the giraffe.

I was on a train and this woman opposite looked at me and said “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place...”
I asked “Are you single??”
She replied “No, I’m a dentist.”

"Muffins" backwards describes what you do when you take them out of the oven.

Do they allow loud laughing in Hawaii, or just a low ha?

Got a new jacket recently made entirely of living plants. I wasn't sure at first, but it's grown on me.

"La gente buena, nos da felicidad; la gente mala, experiencia."

—¿QUÉ LE HICISTE AL CARRO HIJO?

—Fue un accidente papá.

—Tú tambien fuiste un accidente y te he tratado con cuidado.

—Ay :(.

I'll never buy a pepper mill from Wimbledon again. Everything was overground or underground.

I've been a fan of Gazpacho soup since before it was cool.

- я не кончила
- главное, что ты человек хороший!

I went into the woods with a clown. He told me that he would give me candy if I juggled his balls I felt funny afterwards.

You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.

Did you hear about the man who collected rare pennies??
He didn't have alot of common cents

I don't make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.

If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.

"I'm great in bed" -Breakfast

Whoever invented marriage was creepy as hell. Like, hey you, I love you so much, I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave.

How is a circus different from a singles bar?

At the circus, the clowns don’t talk.

What's the right age to stop running naked from the bedroom to the bathroom?

My wife asked for a divorce today, saying I was too un-American.

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

When a guy says "I'm Fine" what he is really trying to say is that he is fine.

I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

At my book club, I wondered why they were throwing Stephen King novels around.

Then IT hit me!

I think I speak for everyone when I say we hate being spoken for.

I asked my husband to drop his trousers at the dry cleaners. Apparently he got a nice round of applause but I've banned him from going again.

Got sacked from my job as a police officer last week, I think it was
My
Take no prisoners attitude 😳

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies. After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

I don't normally poop with the door open, but I don't want to miss the in flight movie.

If satan punishes bad people does that mean he is good ?

Roman Numerals. What are they good IV?

I really have something to say, and I'm going to shout it out from the rooftops!!
"Someone has stolen my ladder!!”

I bet giraffes don't even know what farts smell like.

Middle age is when you finally get your head together
and your body starts falling apart.

Benefits of dating me
1. I'm ugly and poor so no one will ever try to steal me from you.

Strange people who don't have time for old friends but still search for new ones.

What do you give a taxidermist on Christmas day?

Stuffed turkey!

You heard of that new band 1023MB? They're good but they haven't got a gig yet.

A friend has an excellent nose for wine. It’s shaped like a corkscrew.

If a door can be ajar, can a jar be a door?

"On a scale of 1 to 10, how..."
"Ten!"
"...impatient are you?"

Надо говорить не "ложка", а "клади-ка".

A new study claims that one in every three people is unfaithful.
I just need to figure out is it my husband or my boyfriend ? 🤔

Say YES to MASKS,
NO to BRA'S.
FREE THE TITTIES.
PROTECT THE CITIES!

I was in a lesbian relationship once.
🤦
I mean....
I wasn't with another woman or anything. He just acted like a bitch.

Shout out to my grandpa, that's the only way he can hear.

Where do Russian Hackers store their exploits?

/ussr/bin/

What did Sigmund Freud say to dishonest patients?

"Please lie on the couch".

Chuck Norris runs until the treadmill gets tired.

"What is a sea monster's favourite snack? Ships and dip."

The 1st rule of paradox club is to follow rule number 2.
The 2nd rule of paradox club is to not follow rule number 1.

Dim light bulbs or bright light bulbs? Watts the difference.

Harry: I need a new invisibility cloak.

Hermione: Try this one on.

Harry: I don't like it.

Hermione: Why?

Harry: I just don't see myself in it.

Dear mathematics: Stop asking to find your x, she has a new boyfriend now.

If you want dreams to happen go to bed.

I wanted to be sarcastic then I realized that I don't really care.

What's the most popular song on a Klingon's playlist?
Kahless Whisper.

I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect...
Then they fried me for no raisin....

Только картошка в Беларуси не опозорила свой мундир.

Когда подобрал котёнка на помойке, он тоже может потом сказать, что нашёл тебя на помойке.

How did the squid make the whale laugh? With ten tickles.

- Прочитал легенду о Прометее, просто огонь!
- А про Икара не читал? Улёт!

Trying to play the new official Rick Astley boardgame.

But the instructions just say ‘You know the rules, and so do I”

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn?
Where's popcorn?

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.