Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Q: Where do the pianists go for vacation?
A: Florida Keys.

Q: What has 5 eyes and is lying on the water?
A: The Mississippi River.

Best alliance in the world? Russia and the weather.

How to insult a historian: "Yo mamma's got so little class she could be a Marxist utopia."

What did Hitler say when the Allies invaded Normandy?
'This is out of Mein Kampfort zone.'

What do you call 100,000 men with their hands up?
The French Army.

How to write a history essay: However, however, however, however, on the other hand, however, however, however, however, hence.

Q: When a knight was killed in battle, what sign did they put on his grave?
A: Rust in peace!

Q: Why did the pioneers cross the country in covered wagons?
A: Because they didn't want to wait 40 years for a train!

Q: What is the fruitiest subject at school?
A: History, because it's full of dates!

Q: What do Alexander the Great and Kermit the Frog have in common?
A: The same middle name!

Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom!

Q: Abraham Lincoln had a very hard childhood. He had to walk 8 miles to school every day!
A: Well, he should have gotten up earlier and caught the schoolbus like everyone else!

Q: Why aren't you doing well in history?
A: Because the teacher keeps on asking about things that happened before I was born!

Q: Who built the ark?
A: I have Noah idea!

Q: Who made King Arthur's round table?
A: Sir-Cumference.

Q: What did Mason say to Dixon?
A: We've got to draw the line here!

Q: What's purple and 5000 miles long?
A: The grape wall of China.

Q: What did they do at the Boston Tea Party?
A: I don't know, I wasn't invited!

Q: What kind of lighting did Noah use for the ark?
A: Floodlights!

Q: How did the Vikings send secret messages?
A: By norse code!

Q: Why is England the wettest country?
A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Q: Why were the early days of history called the dark ages?
A: Because there were so many knights!

— Байден победил, поэтому собираю деньги на эмиграцию в Канаду. Вот мой QIWI-кошелёк.
— Ты живёшь в Рязани.
— Вот мой QIWI-кошелёк.

I don’t like the letter ‘n’. It always has to be the centre of attention.

The comma sutra makes grammar sexy.

What do you get when you cross a joke and a rhetorical question?

Why do words and punctuation end up in court? To be sentenced.

I before e, except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbor.

Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.

How do you comfort a grammar snob? “There, their, they’re.”

The passive voice is to be avoided.

What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses.

Double negatives are a big no-no.

I’m so adjective, I verb noun.

What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.

What’s the difference between cats and a comma? Cats have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.

What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!

A teacher asked the class to give a word that contains all the vowels. The twins in the back facetiously said, "Simultaneously!"

The teacher then asked the class to give a word with all the vowels in alphabetical order. The twins simultaneously responded, "Facetiously!"

"What is the only word that English teachers will always spell wrong?"
...
...
...
"Wrong."

"I’ll never date an apostrophe again. He was so possessive."

"What did the intransitive verb say when told it was pretty?"

"Nothing. Intransitive verbs can’t take complements."

“Let’s eat Grandma!”

“Let’s eat, Grandma!”

Punctuation saves lives.

"A word in this sentence is misspelled."

"An ancient Egyptian student is chiseling his essay into a stone. His teacher comes over and says, 'No, you should never end a sentence with an ox.'"

"Which word is shorter when you add two letters to it?"

"Short."

"I’ve always taken pride in knowing how to use a semicolon; damn."

"It’s funny how full stops are known as periods in the US. Ask any girl, it’s never a full stop."

"Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?"
"They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions."

"Why wouldn't the pronoun go out with the noun?"

"He kept propositioning her."

"There’s a big difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit."

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"To."

"To who?"

"To whom!"

"There are three things that I love: the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities."

I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Ever noticed how Evian bottled water is just ‘naive’ spelt backwards?

- Que aburrida está la fiesta ¿no?
- Pues si tía, yo cuando encuentre mis bragas me voy a casa.

– Mi hija tiene un gusano enorme en el estómago
— ¿La solitaria?
– No, la otra.

- ¿Como se llama la hermana de la madre del atún?
- Latita de atún.

Robinson Crusoe had every weekend off. All his work was done by Friday.

I'm ambivalent about Mongolian literature.
It has its prose and Khans.

This is what I learned from Russian Literature
Alright so 2 guys and 1 girl are stranded on a island

If they were French then they would have a "menage a trois" and get along just fine.

If they were English then they would be mad at each other because none of them were properly introduce.

And if they were Russian then the girl would have married the guy she didn't like and everyone would be unhappy.

Why did Hitler fail literature class?
He was anti-semantic.

A long time ago, I had a job where I translated pre-classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.

What's a car's favorite genre of literature?
An auto-biography!

What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class
Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien.

Literature professor: "Why can't Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?"
Student A: "Because he can't keep the Lillies alive."
Student B: "Maybe he didn't put them in the right Potter?"

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila Mockingbird.

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin! DORIAN: Can I hide it? DEVIL: Well, yes, but— DORIAN: And there are no other consequences? DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul! DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

Why did Shakespeare only write in pen?
He couldn’t decide which type of pencil to use—a 2B or not 2B.

Did you hear about Jay Gatsby’s new car?
It was a real hit with the ladies.

Why did the reader give up on Pride and Prejudice?
The characters were too Austentatious.

What kind of dinosaur writes romance novels?
A Brontësaurus.

What would you find in Charles Dickens’s pantry?
The best of thyme, the worst of thyme.

How did Charlotte Brontë make it easier for everyone to breathe?
She created Eyre.

As a child we were so poor, my parents used to take me to the pet shop and tell me it was a zoo.

Programming is not learning to code, it's starting to code.

Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism!

I'm so irritated with my neighbor today, he kept playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn't mind..

.. but it was All Night Long.

Your ex told me you remind her of her Christmas tree...
Your balls are only there for decoration purposes!

I took out my ex today!
Being a sniper is amazing.