Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

People need to stop putting flyers on my car. No, I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse".

My beautician girlfriend said she wants to learn another language.

I said I think you will Nail Polish 💅🤔

Apple=Vitamins
.
Vitamins=Power
.
Power=Work
.
Work=Money
.
Money=Women
.
Women=Sex
.
Sex=Aids
.

Aids=Death

An Apple a day keeps the doctor away…

It’s an honour to be elected President of the Secrets Club. I can’t tell you how happy I am.

do british people still do the accent when nobody's around?

A simpler, more believable theory is that all the dinosaurs got married and just quit having sex all together.

If u ever need nothing i'm here for u.

These days, everyone seems to think that our smartphones are spying on us .
I've got news for you..
Our vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.. .

—Amor, ¿me veo bien?

—Te ves hermosa.

—No seas mentiroso y abre los ojos.

—¡No quiero! ¡Tengo miedo! :'(

My friend is a boxer but he’s not very good.

His nickname is ‘Picasso’ as he spends so much time on the canvas...

The plus sign has no equal.

My mum always insists she doesn't have a 'favourite' child.
Which is pretty upsetting because i haven't got any brothers or sisters.

I applied for a job as a carpenter the other day.

I had to demonstrate my skill with a piece of wood.

I nailed it.

So I said to my mate, “Why are you putting a copy of ‘Rockin’ All Over the World’ in a jar of pickling vinegar?”

He said “I’m trying to preserve the Status Quo”

Отсутствие волос на голове мужчины - это дополнительная площадь для поцелуев!

It was a sad day when I found out that my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

Mr Spock! come and listen to this,
"I'm all ears Captain,".....
"Yes I know but listen anyway "

Si lo dijiste borracho; lo pensaste sobrio.

I have a book coming out soon! Don't know what possessed me to eat it in the first place... 😰

I'm not racist. I love all races. Except marathons. Fuck running.

An infinite number of mathematician walk into a bar. First one orders a beer. Second orders half a beer. Third one 1/3 of a beer. The bartender pours 2 beers and says. You got gotta know your limits 🤣

I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornados ..
It's only a draft at the moment..

There are three problem in my life
1) Face
2) 1
3) 2

В каждом доме должны быть уют, радость и штопор.

Greggs have just announced plans to start a home delivery service using drones.
All sounds a bit pie in the sky to me...

Already chosen my new year's resolution
1280x1024

I can't stop eating Polos, Extra Strong Mints, Mentos and Tic tacs...

I'm worried I’m going to end up in a menthol institution.

They say sniffing Rosemary will improve your memory. I sniffed Rosemary once. She hit me... I don't remember much after that!

I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.

I'm now in hospital, waiting to be seen...

Parallel lines have so much in common. It's sad that they will never meet...

А вы знаете, почему канадские женщины при занятии сексом предпочитают позу сзади?
Они тоже любят посмотреть хоккейный матч.

- Держитесь, помощь скоро придёт!
- В смысле?
- Бог поможет!

Минеральная вода - это компот из камней!

- Мне так с тобой хорошо!
- Ты особо не привыкай...

I had 2 watches stolen from my hotel room while I was on holiday in Spain.

Adios Omegas 😕

I've just finished a positive thinking course.

What a waste of time 😠

- Опишите свою внешность...
- Привыкнуть можно!

My husband always takes the elevator, whereas I always prefer the stairs.

I guess we are raised differently.

В это тяжёлое для страны время все мы вместе должны держаться друг от друга подальше.

- Doctor, es... ¿es muy grave lo que tengo?
- ¡Hostia puta! ¡Parad la autopsia!

школа православного программирования "кодило".

Сегодня резко упал курс доллара. За один доллар давали только во Одессе.

What does a CIA agent do when it's time for bed?

He goes under cover.

Today I donated a watch, a phone and my wallet to a poor guy.
You can't imagine the happiness I felt as I saw him putting his gun back in his pocket.

Son: Dad is our house haunted?
Dad: May be, but Im not sure.
Son: But the maid told me last night ghosts are not real
Dad: Run, we dont have a maid.

Just met a woman with 2 left feet wearing a pair of flip flips

Если будешь есть много трансжиров, то вскоре превратишься в жирного транса.

- ¡Soldado López!
- ¡Sí, mi capitán!

- No lo vi ayer en la prueba de camuflaje.

- ¡Gracias, mi capitán!

— Juan ¿Has visto mis hormonas para lo del embarazo? Estaban junto a tus vitaminas
— Tú sabrás
— ¿Qué te pasa?
— Nada
— Juaan
— ¿Me quieres?

Never date a man who can't respect your husband.
Never date a woman who can't respect your wife.

I’m now a qualified counterfeiter and I have the certificate to prove it !

– Qué gordas y feas son tus hijas
— ¡¡¿Cómo osas?!!
– Exacto.

What do you call a sleeping bull?
A Bulldozer.

Does a one-legged man wear a trouser?

Any ideas on how to fix my amplifier? Feedback please.

Mark Knopfler comes home carrying a large picture frame & chips
Wife: What you been up to?
MK: I was at the Auction & got a French Impressionist painting & I got you a chippy
Wife: How much have spent this time?
MK: Nothing, I got the Monet for nothing and the chips for free.

My wife just surprised me by admitting she has just had plastic facial surgery yet was surprisingly tight lipped about the cost !

My wife's miffed. Someone stole her pants off the line. She's not bothered about the pants, she just wants her 12 pegs back.

I'm suing my wife. She won't let me get tattoos of grizzlies on each of my biceps. She's infringing on my right to bear arms.

When my house was built they did the downstairs and upstairs, I tried to get them to add a second floor...but that's another storey.

There will be a massive confusion if Americans change from pounds to kilograms. Just weight and see.

Good dating advice. Telling a woman she looks absolutely radiant unless her name is Marie Curie.

— Сема, ты таки хочешь чаю?
— Да!
— Так встань и завари!
— Тогда нет.
— Так лежи и не ври!

Just watched the director's cut of a Rowan Atkinson spy film whilst eating breakfast. It was the full English.

La pire position sexuelle c'est quand t'es allongé en dessous et qu'au dessus il n'y a personne...🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️😂

Your mom's so slow that it took her 9 months to make a joke.

I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language.

And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.

I asked the librarian for a books on Frank Sinatra. She said "we've got a few...but then again...to few to mention."

The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.

I met this chap at a party and I said
"Come outside and I'll show you a good time"
So he did and I ran 100 metres in 9.87 seconds.

People who confuse entomology and etymology bug me more than I can put into words.

I've been a musician for years. Was once in a band called 'The Radiators'. We were the warm up act. The I joined 'The Duvets'. We mainly did covers. After that, I was in a duo called 'Cats Eyes'. Mostly middle of the road stuff. Now I'm in a group called 'Missing Cat'. You may have seen our posters.

I was so ugly as a child,mam and dad played hide and seek with me, I'm still looking for them.

Why is it when someone goes into a baby changing room with a baby they always come out with the same one ?

''Dad, there's a man at the door with a bald head''
''Tell him i've got one''

Completely forgot I booked a trip to Egypt. I must be going seenile.

My wife wanted me to have beard

I wasn't keen on the idea but it's starting to grow on me.

People who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

I hate it when I mean to buy seedless grapes but instead I accidentally get dough nuts.

What happens if you play a country song backwards...
Your wife comes back
Your truck gets fixed and
Your dog gets better.