Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

How does a pirate greet his ex wife?
Ahore.

What does a gamer call his ex-wife’s vagina?
His ex-box.

After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won’t admit she framed me.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.
So nice of her to save me the gas money.

What’s the difference between my ex and a bowl of spaghetti?
Spaghetti wiggles when I eat it.

Im not saying my ex girlfriend was fat.
But all my thoughts revolve around her.

How long does it take my ex wife to screw in a light bulb?
Ha! My ex screwing, that’s a good one.

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

“You miss me that much?” she asks.

“No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

I told my ex to join the anti-vax community.
Clearly, he needs to be surrounding by other people who don’t last long.

Guess who just got 17 missed calls from their ex...
my ex.

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper.
She kept the house.

My ex was really good at blowjobs.
Just a pity I found out from my friends.

I'm not saying my ex is fat...
But my memory foam mattress took a year to forget her.

My girlfriend broke up with me today but it’s ok, She said we can still be cousins.

Fruit is like ex-wives.
They both look really good hanging from a tree.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horse and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

I was walking down the street when i thought i smelled my ex’s perfume, turns out i was standing in front of a fish market.

I just found out my ex got stabbed today…lets just say i lost my job as a butcher.

What is the difference between a coconut and your ex? One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at the other one is a coconut.

My Ex texted me this morning
"Wish you were here"
He always does that when he walks through a cemetery.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex’s, so I was completely alone.

Es más fácil pedir perdón que pedir permiso.

What do you say to a cow if it’s in your way?
Mooooove!Mooooove!

Don’t spell
“dog food lid”
backwards

Любую женщину можно сделать счастливой . Если она даст.

I’m so sad... The local origami enthusiast’s group has just folded.

Which day do potatoes hate?
Fry-day!

My Grandad always used to say.. Shoot for the moon and if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars.
Great man, terrible flight controller at NASA.

Catholic services are being disrupted by people playing medieval stringed instruments.
Police are describing it as Mass luting.

Q: What is a scuba diver’s favorite band from the 1970’s?
A: Air Supply.

I nearly purchased a clock today
But it wasn’t the
Right Time.

Optician: Have your eyes had ever been checked.
Me: No, they've always been blue.

A lot of people think that crop circles are caused by aliens spacecraft, but I think they are done by cereal killers.

I once made a satellite dish out of an old pudding tray but we could only pick up Yorkshire.

If vegetarians eat vegetables,what then do humanitarians eat??

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

I've just got a new job as a Barbarian.

It's just like being a librarian, but I also cut hair.

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall, it took me a moment to realise they meant "Autumn", not the collapse of civilisation.

Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off...
I think I'm being stalked

Interviewer: "How do you explain this 4 year gap on your CV?”.Me: "That’s when I went to Yale."
Interviewer: "That’s impressive!!!! You are hired."
Me: " Thanks a lot, Sir! I really need this Yob......"

I had mushrooms on toast this morning.
Breakfast of champignons...

Me:I saw a wolf outside tonight!
Her:Where?
Me:No,the regular kind

People who bang on about their phobias really annoy me.... I have a fear of heights but you won’t hear me shouting about it from the rooftops.

I’ve secretly converted to Norse Paganism,

Shhh...I’m trying to keep it Loki.

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play!

If I had to get rid of one part of my body it would be my spine. Sometimes I think it’s holding me back.

My nickname at school was scarface
I was brilliant at knitting.

I bought this book called
'100 things to do before you die'
I got to 99 and thought I'd better stop reading this now.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
Man replied: "Naah.. She just arrived in the restaurant..!"

Bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said Thanks.
I said don't mention it.

Why isn't sean pronounced like bean?

We all assume people with glasses are smart but in reality they failed a test to get glasses.

Why can't Trump go to white house anymore?
Because it's FOR BIDEN.

How did the chicken farmer get into Guinness World Records?
He has a massive cock.

What do you get when you cross a farmer and some trendy headphones?
Beets by Dre.

Where do farmers send their kids to grow?
Kinder-garden.

What do you call a Nebraskan farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?
A transfarmer.

Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!

As farmers, we hear a lot of jokes about sheep.
We’d tell them to the dog, but he’d herd them all!

What kind of things does a farmer talk about when they are milking cows?
Udder nonsense!

Why didn’t the farmer laugh at any of these jokes?
They were too corny.

Why do farmers love going to the cinema so much?
So they can watch the trailers.

What did the farmer say to the cow when it wouldn’t go to sleep?
It’s pasture bedtime!

Why did the farmer plough her field with a steamroller?
They wanted to grow mashed potatoes!

Did you hear about the farmer who got top marks in his maths exam?
He used a pro-tractor!

What is a pig farmer’s favourite type of karate move?
Pork chops!

Who tells the best farmer jokes?
Comedi-hens!

Where does a farmer get his medicine from?
The farm-acist!

Why did the farmer bury his money in a field?Why did the farmer bury his money in a field?
He wanted to make his soil rich!He wanted to make his soil rich!

What did the farmer say when he lost one of his cows?
What a miss-steak.

Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied old John, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied old rancher John.

Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving energy, he built a pig-powered car.
He has to get rid of it, though. Every time he turns a corner, the tires squeal.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends. So she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face, when they all disagreed.