Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife and family are threatening to leave me because of my obsession with horse racing, they're at the gate now ... and they're off.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and then blamed it on the cost of living!!!

Bought a secondhand wardrobe from Bonnie Tyler and every now and then it falls apart 😎

Just passed my Communism exam. I got full Marx.

THANK YOU, student loans, for getting me through college. I don’t think I can ever repay you.

I met a girl today who said her face was allergic to all cosmetics....
Honestly, you couldn't make it up.

@ McDonalds in Germany I ordered Nine McNuggets, they sold me an empty box.

I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.

I wonder why when you start screaming in a library people just stare and tut but when you do the same on a plane they all join in.

People scared of spiders should move to Baghdad as in Iraq no phobia.

My missus says she wants me to give her £200 for a new satnav. She can get lost.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said "let's make this interesting" So we stopped playing chess.

I'm doing my best to remove the word 'Chocolate' from my vocadbury.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did people go back to?

Today I am celebrating 4 yrs clean of being a Democrat.

Polce toay announce they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts.

-Дайте торт «Макрон.»
-А что это?
-Ну это как «Наполеон», но без яиц.

A: Comments explain code to other programmers.
B: Code explains the comments to the computer.

I was arguing with my wife the other day and she turned around and said that Jim Morrison was overrated. That’s when I drew a line and told her that I won’t accept anyone slamming The Doors in our house no matter what the argument is about!!

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.
That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday!

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

Gary Oldman is younger than Gary Numan.

I put my dog on a vegan diet...
He’s eaten 3 so far.

I put my dog on a vegan diet...
He’s eaten 3 so far.

I stabbed a vampire, beat some zombies to death and killed the devil himself...

My wife rushed into the room and shouted, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES."

My uncle smokes and loves David Bowie:
We call him Ciggy Stardust.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood.

I'm thinking of starting a hide and seek club.
My only problem is, good members are hard to find.

I don't believe it!
I just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens.
I've just wasted 10 months training for it.

Раечка, по телевизору сказали, что сегодня убили какую-то проститутку... Звоню узнать, все ли у тебя в порядке?

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

They taste like sheet.

Someone just asked me if I could sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"Not been a singer..I said..I couldn't if I tried"..

Do not drink with ghosts, they can’t handle their boos..

2 men were walking home after a Halloween party & decided to take a shortcut through the cemetary just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetary they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping sound coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear they found an old man with a chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. Holy cow Mister, one of them said after catching his breath. You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working so late? Those fools, the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

I came up with a pun so corny it will a-maize you!

Давайте говорить как петербуржцы:
Не нарежьте, а расчлените хлеб.

If you have sex on Halloween will it be a monster mash or a graveyard smash?

I once got provoked by a Greek philosopher.
I got Socra-TEASED!!!!

My phone rang on the bus this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me," , "I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Me and my friend just overheard your phone ringing just then and I'm pretty sure it was Beyoncé, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna..."

I said, "You're both wrong, it was my mom.".....

My friend said to me, 'What rhymes with orange?'.

I said, 'No it doesn't.'

If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

If the earth is flat, why haven't cats pushed everything off the edge?

I asked my hairdresser what cut would make me look pretty. A power cut was not the answer I was looking for.

Shout out to everyone who don't know the opposite of in.

I got fired as a yoga instructor.

I bent over backwards for those people.

“We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.”
—H. P. Lovecraft

What do you call a hot dog with no meat in It?
A hollow weenie!

Turning back the clocks and adding an hour to 2020 is like getting a bonus track on a
Yoko Ono album.

Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.

-Поговорим о бизнесе и предприятиях. Что вы можете открыть, имея ту сумму денег которая у вас сейчас есть?
-Окно.

Where does a ghost shop for alcohol?
At Total Wine and Spirits.

I just passed my Canadian citizenship test!
I got an eh +

A prostitute walked into a Halloween party wearing a Ford emblem on a chain around her neck and said,
"I'm a Ford Escort"

There was a fight in the local petrol station last night.
Six people were arrested in Total!

- Алло, это Металлика?
- Хуялика! Министерство Сепультуры...

оксана хлебом с майонезом
чихнула федору в лицо
и федор мамино колечко
решил пока не доставать

Does anybody know how long toilet paper lasts if you freeze it??

I get really annoyed when people use incorrect punctuation?

I’d like to give you a bit of advice.

Adv.

"Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.

If I have to have my cat put down, do I need to book 9 appointments at the vets?

In a previous job, my boss said to me,

“You’re the worst train driver I’ve ever seen. How many trains have you derailed in the last year!?”

I said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track”.

Why do ostriches have such long necks?

Because their heads are so far away from their bodies!

In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.

It really bothers me how the bishop at my church never moves diagonally.

I find it really embarrassing when guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch. Especially as he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

My careers officer said you'll never get a job staring out the window all day.
What did he know, I've been a lorry driver for nearly forty years.

I phoned the sex line and didn't use any protection. Now I got hearing AIDS.

A thief stole my diary and prayer book today.
My thoughts and prayers are with him.

What if they had an orgasm party and nobody came?

I think that people who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

Do fat people go skinny dipping ?

A bloke just said to me in the pub
'Are those thick Lens glasses that you are wearing?"
"No they're my own" I said!

I stepped on a Cornflake... ... ...
Does that mean i'm a cereal killer?

Do fires go out through fire exits?

Me and my husband decided to make our own sex tape. I was a bit miffed when he started holding auditions for my part.

I hate it when you're making your way home drunk, just minding your own business, and someone steps on your fingers.

I asked my boss,
"Can we talk? I have a problem."
She said,
"Problem? There is no such thing.
We call it an opportunity".
So I said,
"Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

My wife’s just said she can’t take any more of my laziness.
As soon as my mum comes round to pack my bags, I’m leaving.

My husband's been hanging out at the gym. I told him he should wear bigger shorts.