Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why did the run-on sentence think it was pregnant? Its period was late.

How do you comfort a grammar snob? “There, their, they’re.”

The passive voice is to be avoided.

What do you call Santa’s little helpers? Subordinate clauses.

Double negatives are a big no-no.

I’m so adjective, I verb noun.

What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.

What’s the difference between cats and a comma? Cats have claws at the end of their paws and commas are a pause at the end of a clause.

What did the period say to the sentence? We better stop now!

A teacher asked the class to give a word that contains all the vowels. The twins in the back facetiously said, "Simultaneously!"

The teacher then asked the class to give a word with all the vowels in alphabetical order. The twins simultaneously responded, "Facetiously!"

"What is the only word that English teachers will always spell wrong?"
...
...
...
"Wrong."

"I’ll never date an apostrophe again. He was so possessive."

"What did the intransitive verb say when told it was pretty?"

"Nothing. Intransitive verbs can’t take complements."

“Let’s eat Grandma!”

“Let’s eat, Grandma!”

Punctuation saves lives.

"A word in this sentence is misspelled."

"An ancient Egyptian student is chiseling his essay into a stone. His teacher comes over and says, 'No, you should never end a sentence with an ox.'"

"Which word is shorter when you add two letters to it?"

"Short."

"I’ve always taken pride in knowing how to use a semicolon; damn."

"It’s funny how full stops are known as periods in the US. Ask any girl, it’s never a full stop."

"Why do sperm cells look like commas and apostrophes?"
"They often interrupt periods and lead to contractions."

"Why wouldn't the pronoun go out with the noun?"

"He kept propositioning her."

"There’s a big difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit."

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"

"To."

"To who?"

"To whom!"

"There are three things that I love: the Oxford comma, irony, and missed opportunities."

I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden

How the hell am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?

Ever noticed how Evian bottled water is just ‘naive’ spelt backwards?

- Que aburrida está la fiesta ¿no?
- Pues si tía, yo cuando encuentre mis bragas me voy a casa.

– Mi hija tiene un gusano enorme en el estómago
— ¿La solitaria?
– No, la otra.

- ¿Como se llama la hermana de la madre del atún?
- Latita de atún.

Robinson Crusoe had every weekend off. All his work was done by Friday.

I'm ambivalent about Mongolian literature.
It has its prose and Khans.

This is what I learned from Russian Literature
Alright so 2 guys and 1 girl are stranded on a island

If they were French then they would have a "menage a trois" and get along just fine.

If they were English then they would be mad at each other because none of them were properly introduce.

And if they were Russian then the girl would have married the guy she didn't like and everyone would be unhappy.

Why did Hitler fail literature class?
He was anti-semantic.

A long time ago, I had a job where I translated pre-classical Greek literature into Braille.
It feels like ancient history.

What's a car's favorite genre of literature?
An auto-biography!

What did the Australian teacher say to his talkative literature class
Excuse me everyone please stop Tolkien.

Literature professor: "Why can't Severus Snape be a herbology teacher?"
Student A: "Because he can't keep the Lillies alive."
Student B: "Maybe he didn't put them in the right Potter?"

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila Mockingbird.

DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin! DORIAN: Can I hide it? DEVIL: Well, yes, but— DORIAN: And there are no other consequences? DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul! DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.

Why did Shakespeare only write in pen?
He couldn’t decide which type of pencil to use—a 2B or not 2B.

Did you hear about Jay Gatsby’s new car?
It was a real hit with the ladies.

Why did the reader give up on Pride and Prejudice?
The characters were too Austentatious.

What kind of dinosaur writes romance novels?
A Brontësaurus.

What would you find in Charles Dickens’s pantry?
The best of thyme, the worst of thyme.

How did Charlotte Brontë make it easier for everyone to breathe?
She created Eyre.

As a child we were so poor, my parents used to take me to the pet shop and tell me it was a zoo.

Programming is not learning to code, it's starting to code.

Where do naughty rainbows go?
Prism!

I'm so irritated with my neighbor today, he kept playing Lionel Richie songs at full blast. Normally I wouldn't mind..

.. but it was All Night Long.

Your ex told me you remind her of her Christmas tree...
Your balls are only there for decoration purposes!

I took out my ex today!
Being a sniper is amazing.

How does a pirate greet his ex wife?
Ahore.

What does a gamer call his ex-wife’s vagina?
His ex-box.

After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won’t admit she framed me.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"
Now she just staring at the bushes confused wondering who said that.

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.
So nice of her to save me the gas money.

What’s the difference between my ex and a bowl of spaghetti?
Spaghetti wiggles when I eat it.

Im not saying my ex girlfriend was fat.
But all my thoughts revolve around her.

How long does it take my ex wife to screw in a light bulb?
Ha! My ex screwing, that’s a good one.

A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar.
“I had sex with another woman last night,” he tells her. “But I was thinking of you the whole time.”

“You miss me that much?” she asks.

“No,” he says. “But it kept me from cumming too fast.

I told my ex to join the anti-vax community.
Clearly, he needs to be surrounding by other people who don’t last long.

Guess who just got 17 missed calls from their ex...
my ex.

My ex-wife was a great housekeeper.
She kept the house.

My ex was really good at blowjobs.
Just a pity I found out from my friends.

I'm not saying my ex is fat...
But my memory foam mattress took a year to forget her.

My girlfriend broke up with me today but it’s ok, She said we can still be cousins.

Fruit is like ex-wives.
They both look really good hanging from a tree.

My ex-wife was deaf. She left me for a deaf friend of hers. To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horse and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.

I’ve been looking for my ex girlfriend’s killer for the past two years. But no one would do it.

I was walking down the street when i thought i smelled my ex’s perfume, turns out i was standing in front of a fish market.

I just found out my ex got stabbed today…lets just say i lost my job as a butcher.

What is the difference between a coconut and your ex? One is fun to knock down by throwing rocks at the other one is a coconut.

My Ex texted me this morning
"Wish you were here"
He always does that when he walks through a cemetery.

My ex got into a bad accident recently. I told the doctors the wrong blood type. Now she will really know what rejection feels like.

I had a horrible nightmare yesterday. I was in room filled with all of my ex’s, so I was completely alone.

Es más fácil pedir perdón que pedir permiso.

What do you say to a cow if it’s in your way?
Mooooove!Mooooove!