Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Я настолько стар, что помню времена, когда можно было встретить бандита без погонов.

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet..

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

A lot of folk said I was mad setting up a Glue & Rifle company

But I’ve stuck to my Guns !

Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Watched a UB40 tribute band called WD40. They were a bit rusty at first but got better as the evening went on.

My fiance and I are playing a baseball game while watching the World Series. I kiss her on the strikes and she kisses me on the balls.

У меня такой инн, что тебе и не снилс.

I have a pet tree.
It's like a pet dog but the bark is quieter.

Being a man is hard. No wigs. No make up. No lashes. If you ugly. You just ugly.

I went to my Barber's and said, Give me a pony tail. He said, Once upon a time this pony went to the seaside....

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.

An accused cannibal is trying to defend himself at court: “Your Honor, if it really is as they say, You are what you eat, then I must insist I am a perfectly innocent victim here!”

No matter how good the hand soap smells,

Never walk out of the bathroom smelling your fingers.

Unsuccessfully tried to sue British Airways for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

I’m 110% certain that my friends think I have an unhealthy obsession with Black Sabbath but maybe I’m just paranoid.

- Какое твоё любимое животное?
- Дрожжи. Жрут сахар и срут спиртом.

Когда немцы снимают фильм про сантехника и медсестру, то у них получается порнуха, а у нас – «Афоня».

Every time I opened the window, it would moan and groan.

It was the pane I guess.

Last night I read War and Peace in 20 seconds.

I know it's only three words, but it's a start.

- Бабушка, а зачем тебе такое большое эго?
- А это чтобы лучше тебя.

Just passed this shop that sells
Microscopes

So I've gone in for a Closer Look.. 👀🤔

What do you call a person with a compulsive need to do mathematics?

Add-ict.

Too Much Sex;

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”;
His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about 70 years of age, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and

with the wisdom of years says:
"Marry her That'll put a stop to that shit."

Does anyone know what the knights in white sat in???

Роспотребнадзор спрогнозировал, что в России к новому году жизнь человека подорожает, а человеческая жизнь подешевеет.

A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.
—Evan Esar

I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people.

It was a rare medium, but well done.

I got stopped by the security guard at Curry's today.

He said.. Before I search you.. have you got anything sharp in your pockets..

I said no, only Sony and Panasonic. 😆

Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

We're living in a generation where people in love can touch, lick, suck and kiss each other's private parts, but cannot touch each other's phone because it's Private.

Today my crush told me that I’m pretty. Well, the whole sentence was you’re pretty annoying, but I focus only on the positive things. 😎

I asked an old man: "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".
The old man replied: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her".

Oh no!, you have a bladder infection?..... I'm sorry but Urine Trouble.....

Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!

Судя по состоянию больной, самые никчемные доктора - это доктора экономики.

Without it, gravity is just gravy ....

Дыра - случайно получившееся отверстие.
Отверстие - осознанно сделанная дыра.

I was really struggling to get my wife's attention, so I sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Smell your vibrator and ask yourself, do you deserve a good man?

What do centipede's invest in?

The ftse100.

I finally decided to introduce my girlfriend to my family last night. The kids loved her, but the wife went mental.

What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!

Does the website of Diabetes Support Groups ask for cookies?

USB is just a backup for when USA fails.

В Петербурге жестко задержали мужчину который одел маску, а не надел ...

I’m broke, please leave me a loan.

I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.

Stewardess: I’m sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

I noticed that bread puns seem to be on the rise.

I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else's.

I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen the look on their faces when I said, "My money's on the one with the knife."

Is there another word for synonym ?

Study finds millennials are having less sex
Because they are expecting their parents to do it for them.

A dad complains "Millennials get certificates for anything..."
"My son got one last week just for dying!"

My grandpa told me, "You millennials are too dependent on technology...
.. so I plugged out his life support

If a Millennial dies, they can be eulogized as such:
"They died doing what they loved. Dying."

Study finds that the most popular fetish among Millennial is...
Role playing as a couple that owns a house.

What's the difference between a millennial and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Why are millennials so odd?
Because they can't even.

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

Why don’t cannibals like to eat millennials?
They’re too salty.

People often tell me I'm very old fashioned for a millennial
I guess I'm just a late boomer.

What did the millennial get on his wedding day?
A participation trophy wife.

What kind of job do millennials typically prefer?
A rimjob.

I think Coronavirus is a millennial..
.. Because everyone's OK except the boomers.

Why doesn't Santa have any millennial elves?
Because there are already enough snowflakes at the North Pole.

How many Millennials does it take to change a light bulb?
There's no app for that.

How do you weigh a millennial?
In instagrams.

Jokes about millennials aren’t funny
They just don’t work.

Millennial milestone: I finally moved out of my parents and moved in with my girlfriend. Her parents were supportive, too...
They even let us bring food upstairs.

Why can't millennials take a joke?
Because the jokes always hit a little too close to their parent's house.

why do millennials always type in lowercase?
because they reject capitalism.

Three cowboys are riding in a truck all dressed head to toe identically who is the smartest?
The one in the middle because he doesn't have to drive and doesn't have to open the gate.

How does a Chinese cowboy say “Hi” ?
Ni haodi.