Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Don’t spell
“dog food lid”
backwards

Любую женщину можно сделать счастливой . Если она даст.

I’m so sad... The local origami enthusiast’s group has just folded.

Which day do potatoes hate?
Fry-day!

My Grandad always used to say.. Shoot for the moon and if you miss, you'll land amongst the stars.
Great man, terrible flight controller at NASA.

Catholic services are being disrupted by people playing medieval stringed instruments.
Police are describing it as Mass luting.

Q: What is a scuba diver’s favorite band from the 1970’s?
A: Air Supply.

I nearly purchased a clock today
But it wasn’t the
Right Time.

Optician: Have your eyes had ever been checked.
Me: No, they've always been blue.

A lot of people think that crop circles are caused by aliens spacecraft, but I think they are done by cereal killers.

I once made a satellite dish out of an old pudding tray but we could only pick up Yorkshire.

If vegetarians eat vegetables,what then do humanitarians eat??

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

I've just got a new job as a Barbarian.

It's just like being a librarian, but I also cut hair.

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall, it took me a moment to realise they meant "Autumn", not the collapse of civilisation.

Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off...
I think I'm being stalked

Interviewer: "How do you explain this 4 year gap on your CV?”.Me: "That’s when I went to Yale."
Interviewer: "That’s impressive!!!! You are hired."
Me: " Thanks a lot, Sir! I really need this Yob......"

I had mushrooms on toast this morning.
Breakfast of champignons...

Me:I saw a wolf outside tonight!
Her:Where?
Me:No,the regular kind

People who bang on about their phobias really annoy me.... I have a fear of heights but you won’t hear me shouting about it from the rooftops.

I’ve secretly converted to Norse Paganism,

Shhh...I’m trying to keep it Loki.

Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play!

If I had to get rid of one part of my body it would be my spine. Sometimes I think it’s holding me back.

My nickname at school was scarface
I was brilliant at knitting.

I bought this book called
'100 things to do before you die'
I got to 99 and thought I'd better stop reading this now.

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."
Man replied: "Naah.. She just arrived in the restaurant..!"

Bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said Thanks.
I said don't mention it.

Why isn't sean pronounced like bean?

We all assume people with glasses are smart but in reality they failed a test to get glasses.

Why can't Trump go to white house anymore?
Because it's FOR BIDEN.

How did the chicken farmer get into Guinness World Records?
He has a massive cock.

What do you get when you cross a farmer and some trendy headphones?
Beets by Dre.

Where do farmers send their kids to grow?
Kinder-garden.

What do you call a Nebraskan farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?
A transfarmer.

Why shouldn't you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears!

As farmers, we hear a lot of jokes about sheep.
We’d tell them to the dog, but he’d herd them all!

What kind of things does a farmer talk about when they are milking cows?
Udder nonsense!

Why didn’t the farmer laugh at any of these jokes?
They were too corny.

Why do farmers love going to the cinema so much?
So they can watch the trailers.

What did the farmer say to the cow when it wouldn’t go to sleep?
It’s pasture bedtime!

Why did the farmer plough her field with a steamroller?
They wanted to grow mashed potatoes!

Did you hear about the farmer who got top marks in his maths exam?
He used a pro-tractor!

What is a pig farmer’s favourite type of karate move?
Pork chops!

Who tells the best farmer jokes?
Comedi-hens!

Where does a farmer get his medicine from?
The farm-acist!

Why did the farmer bury his money in a field?Why did the farmer bury his money in a field?
He wanted to make his soil rich!He wanted to make his soil rich!

What did the farmer say when he lost one of his cows?
What a miss-steak.

Old ranch owner John farmed a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his workers and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

“Well,” replied old John, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90 percent of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied old rancher John.

Farmer Giles is so interested in conserving energy, he built a pig-powered car.
He has to get rid of it, though. Every time he turns a corner, the tires squeal.

My ex wanted to humiliate me in front of her friends. So she said I was useless in bed.

Should have seen her face, when they all disagreed.

Just passed my Communism exam. I got full Marx.

Your call is important to us...

Please enjoy this 45 minute flute solo 🤬

When I quit my job as a Human Cannonball, the circus boss said 'You can't quit.Where am I gonna find another man of your calibre?'

My wife and family are threatening to leave me because of my obsession with horse racing, they're at the gate now ... and they're off.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and then blamed it on the cost of living!!!

Bought a secondhand wardrobe from Bonnie Tyler and every now and then it falls apart 😎

Just passed my Communism exam. I got full Marx.

THANK YOU, student loans, for getting me through college. I don’t think I can ever repay you.

I met a girl today who said her face was allergic to all cosmetics....
Honestly, you couldn't make it up.

@ McDonalds in Germany I ordered Nine McNuggets, they sold me an empty box.

I have no fear of heights. I do, however have a fear of falling from heights.

I wonder why when you start screaming in a library people just stare and tut but when you do the same on a plane they all join in.

People scared of spiders should move to Baghdad as in Iraq no phobia.

My missus says she wants me to give her £200 for a new satnav. She can get lost.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said "let's make this interesting" So we stopped playing chess.

I'm doing my best to remove the word 'Chocolate' from my vocadbury.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did people go back to?

Today I am celebrating 4 yrs clean of being a Democrat.

Polce toay announce they are nvestgatng a strng of ID thefts.

-Дайте торт «Макрон.»
-А что это?
-Ну это как «Наполеон», но без яиц.

A: Comments explain code to other programmers.
B: Code explains the comments to the computer.

I was arguing with my wife the other day and she turned around and said that Jim Morrison was overrated. That’s when I drew a line and told her that I won’t accept anyone slamming The Doors in our house no matter what the argument is about!!

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.
That's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday!

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about her history of violins.

Gary Oldman is younger than Gary Numan.

I put my dog on a vegan diet...
He’s eaten 3 so far.

I put my dog on a vegan diet...
He’s eaten 3 so far.

I stabbed a vampire, beat some zombies to death and killed the devil himself...

My wife rushed into the room and shouted, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THEM CANDIES."

My uncle smokes and loves David Bowie:
We call him Ciggy Stardust.