Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call a mentally deficient cowboy on welfare?
Slow on the draw.

Two cowboys were riding through a canyon.
From far off they heard the sound of drumming. One of them said, "I don't like the sound of those drums." And a distant voice called out "He's not our regular drummer!"

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.
As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for assholes.

Cowboy 1: Can you think of anything worse than being scalped alive?
Cowboy 2: Not off the top of my head.

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows
I said, “Sure, that’s 20 cows.”

What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.

A cowboy is camping when one morning he sees an Indian ride by on a horse, with his wife walking behind carrying all her things by hand. The next day, the same thing, the Indian rides by on his horse with his wife trailing behind carrying all her things by hand. On the third day, the Indian passes by again, but this time the Cowboy stops him and says, "Hey why are you riding the horse and she has to walk and carry everything by hand?" The Indian looks at him and says, "Well, she doesn't have a horse."

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling "TGIF!"
The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!"

Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out "SPIT!" This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed.

Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?" and the cowboy replies "Hell ya I know what it means - 'Thank God It's Friday!'" The bartender asks the Mexican guy "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?" and the Mexican replies "Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday!"

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When the barber finishes the shave, the old cowboy tells him that it is the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he also wants to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replies, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

- When do cowboys like to smoke weed?
- High noon.

- How do German Cowboys greet each other?
- Audi.

A cowboy is riding on his horse in a desert. Suddenly he sees a man lying down with his ear to the ground.
The man says: 'A carriage. 6 horses. 3 black, 2 brown and 1 white.'

The cowboy says: 'Wow! You can hear all of that?!'

'No,' says the man. 'They just ran me over.'

So a cowboy is riding his horse through the desert
When he comes across an Indian laying on the ground butt-naked with an erection.

“Howdy! Whatcha doin?” the cowboy asks the Indian.

“It’s an old trick we use to tell the time of the day” the Indian says.

“Boy that seems like a nifty trick! What time is it, then?” the cowboy inquires.

The Indian glances down at his penis and says, “almost 10 in the morning.”

The cowboy thanks the Indian for the time and travels on. A few hours later, he stumbles on another naked Indian laying on the ground with an erection.

“Howdy partner, what time is it now?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian glances down and says, “Just a little past 2 in the afternoon.”

The cowboy thanks him kindly and mosies on.

A few hours later he finds yet another naked Indian, but this one is stroking his penis pretty vigorously.

“Howdy partner, I saw your two friends earlier could tell me the time, but what are you doing?” The cowboy asks.

“Just winding up the clock.”

A cowboy walks into a bar...
He parked his horse outside and went in for a beer bottle. After finishing it up he goes to leave and his horse was stolen.

The guy walks in again, gun in the air, shoots the ceiling and shouts "you have until I finish up a second beer bottle to return my horse, or else I will have to do what I did in Texas, and I didn't like what I had to do."

He finishes his bottle and finds his horse right where it was. Before leaving, the bartender asks him "Excuse me sir, but what did you have to do in Texas?"

"I had to walk home"

Why are cowboy hats curled up on the side?
So they can fit three in the pickup.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

How you will face your problem....
If your problem is your face ?

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Monet!
Monet who?
Monet doesn't grow on trees.

Q: What do you call someone hanging on a wall?
A: Art.

Q: Why was the painting arrested?
A: Because it was framed.

Q: Why do we paint Easter eggs?
A: Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

Q: What does a painter sing when he's in Dire Straits?
A: "Monet for Nothing".

Q. Which painting is never happy?
A. The Moaning Lisa

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: What do you call a painting by a cat?
A: A paw-trait.

Q: Why did the artist get into an argument with the curator at the art gallery?
A: He wasn't in the right frame of mind.

Did you hear about the guy who stole all those paintings? He tried to brush it off, but I think he was framed.

Q: How does Salvador Dali start his mornings?
A: With a bowl of "Surreal"

Q: What do you call a mixed media artist without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: Why did the painter butter his toast with his fingers?
A: To feel its texture.

Q: What did Michelangelo say to the ceiling?
A: I got you covered.

Q: Did you hear about the artist who paints in jail?
A: He had a brush with the law.

Q: Did you here about the attempt robbery at the museum?
A: They had ran out of gas a few blocks away when the police caught them, and they said, "We didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh"

Q: Where does a cow hang his paintings?
A: In a mooooseum.

Q: Did you hear about the artist who died ?
A: Too many strokes.

Q: Why did Van Gogh become a painter?
A: Because he didn't have an ear for music.

Does eating pussy on taco Tuesdays count as eating tacos?

A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

The linguist's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."

At the dinner table..
Dad: So how's college these days, kid? what classes are you taking?

Kid: Intro to linguistics. Ugh, it's a shitty course.

Dad: Language!

How did the linguistics professor punish the late student?
He gave him a harsh sentence.

What do you call a world renowned linguist?
A figure of speech.

I was hit on by a linguist the other day.
She asked me to conjugate, but I had to decline.

A philosopher says to a linguist, “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”
The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

My wife left me for a fast talker.
He was a cunning linguist.

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

What shoes do linguists wear?
Converse.

A linguist dies.
At the funeral, a fellow academic asks his wife, “do you mind if I say a word?”
She nods.
He stands and says “Plethora”, and immediately sits back down.
She says, tearfully, “thank you, that means a lot.”

What language should the linguist end with?
Finnish!

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".
The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.
The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying to speak, but then the Italian chimes in.

"Italian is as beautiful as French. Our word for butterfly is Farfalle, also more beautiful than the insect itself"

Finally it's the German's turn. He is dying to speak and blurts out,

"AND VAT IS WRONG WITH SCHMETTERLING!?"

I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"
"For starters," she said, "the h is silent."

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Birthdays.

In high doses they are fatal.

I start a new job in Seoul next week...I thought it was a good Korea move!

What is it with people that won’t embrace modern technology? Answers on a postcard please.

My husband is leaving me because I always go off-topic in the middle of the Mediterranean, and we had a lovely time.

What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea?

Denis

When I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I realised I’d been fostered.

The bride wept, the bridesmaids cried - and even the wedding cake was in tiers.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

Do you know why the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts? They were perfectly suited to each other.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS” : The Engagement Ring The Wedding Ring The Suffering The Enduring.

Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. —Rita Rudner

Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I hear two scoutmasters decided to tie the knot.

I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Two florists recently got married. It was an arranged marriage.

Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married? The reception was terrific.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye opener.

Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes dear”.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.