Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood.

I'm thinking of starting a hide and seek club.
My only problem is, good members are hard to find.

I don't believe it!
I just found out that cock fighting is done with chickens.
I've just wasted 10 months training for it.

Раечка, по телевизору сказали, что сегодня убили какую-то проститутку... Звоню узнать, все ли у тебя в порядке?

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

They taste like sheet.

Someone just asked me if I could sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"Not been a singer..I said..I couldn't if I tried"..

Do not drink with ghosts, they can’t handle their boos..

2 men were walking home after a Halloween party & decided to take a shortcut through the cemetary just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetary they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping sound coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear they found an old man with a chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones. Holy cow Mister, one of them said after catching his breath. You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing, working so late? Those fools, the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

I came up with a pun so corny it will a-maize you!

Давайте говорить как петербуржцы:
Не нарежьте, а расчлените хлеб.

If you have sex on Halloween will it be a monster mash or a graveyard smash?

I once got provoked by a Greek philosopher.
I got Socra-TEASED!!!!

My phone rang on the bus this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me," , "I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Me and my friend just overheard your phone ringing just then and I'm pretty sure it was Beyoncé, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna..."

I said, "You're both wrong, it was my mom.".....

My friend said to me, 'What rhymes with orange?'.

I said, 'No it doesn't.'

If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be.

No need to remind her every half hour.

If the earth is flat, why haven't cats pushed everything off the edge?

I asked my hairdresser what cut would make me look pretty. A power cut was not the answer I was looking for.

Shout out to everyone who don't know the opposite of in.

I got fired as a yoga instructor.

I bent over backwards for those people.

“We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.”
—H. P. Lovecraft

What do you call a hot dog with no meat in It?
A hollow weenie!

Turning back the clocks and adding an hour to 2020 is like getting a bonus track on a
Yoko Ono album.

Spiders are the only web developers that are happy to find bugs.

-Поговорим о бизнесе и предприятиях. Что вы можете открыть, имея ту сумму денег которая у вас сейчас есть?
-Окно.

Where does a ghost shop for alcohol?
At Total Wine and Spirits.

I just passed my Canadian citizenship test!
I got an eh +

A prostitute walked into a Halloween party wearing a Ford emblem on a chain around her neck and said,
"I'm a Ford Escort"

There was a fight in the local petrol station last night.
Six people were arrested in Total!

- Алло, это Металлика?
- Хуялика! Министерство Сепультуры...

оксана хлебом с майонезом
чихнула федору в лицо
и федор мамино колечко
решил пока не доставать

Does anybody know how long toilet paper lasts if you freeze it??

I get really annoyed when people use incorrect punctuation?

I’d like to give you a bit of advice.

Adv.

"Always leave them wanting more" is my standard approach to paying bills.

If I have to have my cat put down, do I need to book 9 appointments at the vets?

In a previous job, my boss said to me,

“You’re the worst train driver I’ve ever seen. How many trains have you derailed in the last year!?”

I said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track”.

Why do ostriches have such long necks?

Because their heads are so far away from their bodies!

In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.

It really bothers me how the bishop at my church never moves diagonally.

I find it really embarrassing when guests visit my house and my dog sniffs their crotch. Especially as he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

My careers officer said you'll never get a job staring out the window all day.
What did he know, I've been a lorry driver for nearly forty years.

I phoned the sex line and didn't use any protection. Now I got hearing AIDS.

A thief stole my diary and prayer book today.
My thoughts and prayers are with him.

What if they had an orgasm party and nobody came?

I think that people who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

Do fat people go skinny dipping ?

A bloke just said to me in the pub
'Are those thick Lens glasses that you are wearing?"
"No they're my own" I said!

I stepped on a Cornflake... ... ...
Does that mean i'm a cereal killer?

Do fires go out through fire exits?

Me and my husband decided to make our own sex tape. I was a bit miffed when he started holding auditions for my part.

I hate it when you're making your way home drunk, just minding your own business, and someone steps on your fingers.

I asked my boss,
"Can we talk? I have a problem."
She said,
"Problem? There is no such thing.
We call it an opportunity".
So I said,
"Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."

My wife’s just said she can’t take any more of my laziness.
As soon as my mum comes round to pack my bags, I’m leaving.

My husband's been hanging out at the gym. I told him he should wear bigger shorts.

¿ɐᴉlɐɹʇsn∀ ɯoɹɟ ɯ,I ʍouʞ ʎlǝʇɐᴉpǝɯɯᴉ ǝuᴉluo ʇǝǝɯ I ǝldoǝd ʍoɥ puɐʇsɹǝpun ʇ,uɐɔ I

I asked my phone "Siri, why am I so bad with women?"
She said "I'm Alexa you moron."

Я настолько стар, что помню времена, когда можно было встретить бандита без погонов.

Daddy, do all fairy tales start with Once upon a time?

No dear, there’s a whole series of fairly tales that start with “If elected, I promise”.

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet..

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?' The other replied, 'Yes, I am, I married the wrong man.'

A lot of folk said I was mad setting up a Glue & Rifle company

But I’ve stuck to my Guns !

Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."

"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

Q: What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle?
A: The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside.

Watched a UB40 tribute band called WD40. They were a bit rusty at first but got better as the evening went on.

My fiance and I are playing a baseball game while watching the World Series. I kiss her on the strikes and she kisses me on the balls.

У меня такой инн, что тебе и не снилс.

I have a pet tree.
It's like a pet dog but the bark is quieter.

Being a man is hard. No wigs. No make up. No lashes. If you ugly. You just ugly.

I went to my Barber's and said, Give me a pony tail. He said, Once upon a time this pony went to the seaside....

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? Tequila mockingbird.

An accused cannibal is trying to defend himself at court: “Your Honor, if it really is as they say, You are what you eat, then I must insist I am a perfectly innocent victim here!”

No matter how good the hand soap smells,

Never walk out of the bathroom smelling your fingers.

Unsuccessfully tried to sue British Airways for losing my luggage. I lost my case.

I’m 110% certain that my friends think I have an unhealthy obsession with Black Sabbath but maybe I’m just paranoid.

- Какое твоё любимое животное?
- Дрожжи. Жрут сахар и срут спиртом.

Когда немцы снимают фильм про сантехника и медсестру, то у них получается порнуха, а у нас – «Афоня».

Every time I opened the window, it would moan and groan.

It was the pane I guess.

Last night I read War and Peace in 20 seconds.

I know it's only three words, but it's a start.

- Бабушка, а зачем тебе такое большое эго?
- А это чтобы лучше тебя.