Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Just passed this shop that sells
Microscopes

So I've gone in for a Closer Look.. 👀🤔

What do you call a person with a compulsive need to do mathematics?

Add-ict.

Too Much Sex;

I couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”;
His buddy says: “Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about 70 years of age, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and

with the wisdom of years says:
"Marry her That'll put a stop to that shit."

Does anyone know what the knights in white sat in???

Роспотребнадзор спрогнозировал, что в России к новому году жизнь человека подорожает, а человеческая жизнь подешевеет.

A husband is like a fire. He goes out when unattended.
—Evan Esar

I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people.

It was a rare medium, but well done.

I got stopped by the security guard at Curry's today.

He said.. Before I search you.. have you got anything sharp in your pockets..

I said no, only Sony and Panasonic. 😆

Coffee has a rough time in our house. It gets mugged every single morning!

We're living in a generation where people in love can touch, lick, suck and kiss each other's private parts, but cannot touch each other's phone because it's Private.

Today my crush told me that I’m pretty. Well, the whole sentence was you’re pretty annoying, but I focus only on the positive things. 😎

I asked an old man: "Even after 95 years, you still call your wife 'Darling', 'Honey', 'Love'. What's the secret?".
The old man replied: "I forgot her name 10 years ago and I'm scared to ask her".

Oh no!, you have a bladder infection?..... I'm sorry but Urine Trouble.....

Why was the baby ant confused? Because all his uncles were ants!

Судя по состоянию больной, самые никчемные доктора - это доктора экономики.

Without it, gravity is just gravy ....

Дыра - случайно получившееся отверстие.
Отверстие - осознанно сделанная дыра.

I was really struggling to get my wife's attention, so I sat down and looked comfortable, that did the trick!

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Smell your vibrator and ask yourself, do you deserve a good man?

What do centipede's invest in?

The ftse100.

I finally decided to introduce my girlfriend to my family last night. The kids loved her, but the wife went mental.

What's worse than lobsters on your piano?
Crabs on your organ!

Does the website of Diabetes Support Groups ask for cookies?

USB is just a backup for when USA fails.

В Петербурге жестко задержали мужчину который одел маску, а не надел ...

I’m broke, please leave me a loan.

I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too.

Stewardess: I’m sorry, Mr. Smith, but we left your wife behind in London.
Mr. Smith: Thank goodness! I thought I was going deaf!

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

I noticed that bread puns seem to be on the rise.

I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else's.

I saw two blind guys fighting...

Should've seen the look on their faces when I said, "My money's on the one with the knife."

Is there another word for synonym ?

Study finds millennials are having less sex
Because they are expecting their parents to do it for them.

A dad complains "Millennials get certificates for anything..."
"My son got one last week just for dying!"

My grandpa told me, "You millennials are too dependent on technology...
.. so I plugged out his life support

If a Millennial dies, they can be eulogized as such:
"They died doing what they loved. Dying."

Study finds that the most popular fetish among Millennial is...
Role playing as a couple that owns a house.

What's the difference between a millennial and a large pizza?
A large pizza can feed a family of four.

Why are millennials so odd?
Because they can't even.

How many millennials does it take to change a light bulb?
Don't know, the baby boomer that has the job now can't retire because they never saved anything and millennials all have LED lights that last longer.

Why don’t cannibals like to eat millennials?
They’re too salty.

People often tell me I'm very old fashioned for a millennial
I guess I'm just a late boomer.

What did the millennial get on his wedding day?
A participation trophy wife.

What kind of job do millennials typically prefer?
A rimjob.

I think Coronavirus is a millennial..
.. Because everyone's OK except the boomers.

Why doesn't Santa have any millennial elves?
Because there are already enough snowflakes at the North Pole.

How many Millennials does it take to change a light bulb?
There's no app for that.

How do you weigh a millennial?
In instagrams.

Jokes about millennials aren’t funny
They just don’t work.

Millennial milestone: I finally moved out of my parents and moved in with my girlfriend. Her parents were supportive, too...
They even let us bring food upstairs.

Why can't millennials take a joke?
Because the jokes always hit a little too close to their parent's house.

why do millennials always type in lowercase?
because they reject capitalism.

Three cowboys are riding in a truck all dressed head to toe identically who is the smartest?
The one in the middle because he doesn't have to drive and doesn't have to open the gate.

How does a Chinese cowboy say “Hi” ?
Ni haodi.

What do you call a mentally deficient cowboy on welfare?
Slow on the draw.

Two cowboys were riding through a canyon.
From far off they heard the sound of drumming. One of them said, "I don't like the sound of those drums." And a distant voice called out "He's not our regular drummer!"

Two cowboys are sitting in a restaurant when a lady at the next table begins choking on a piece of steak. One of the cowboys jumps up grabs the lady, yanks down her panties, and plants a big wet kiss firmly on her bottom. The startled woman coughs loudly and out flies the piece of steak.
As the cowboy returns to the table, his friend says "I've heard of that 'hind lick' maneuver but I've never seen it performed before."

What’s the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
Cowboy hats are for assholes.

Cowboy 1: Can you think of anything worse than being scalped alive?
Cowboy 2: Not off the top of my head.

A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows
I said, “Sure, that’s 20 cows.”

What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.

A cowboy is camping when one morning he sees an Indian ride by on a horse, with his wife walking behind carrying all her things by hand. The next day, the same thing, the Indian rides by on his horse with his wife trailing behind carrying all her things by hand. On the third day, the Indian passes by again, but this time the Cowboy stops him and says, "Hey why are you riding the horse and she has to walk and carry everything by hand?" The Indian looks at him and says, "Well, she doesn't have a horse."

A cowboy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks for a shot. Across the bar, a Mexican man is sitting and glaring at the cowboy. The cowboy takes the shot and slams the shot glass down on the counter, yelling "TGIF!"
The Mexican orders a shot, takes it, and slams his glass down, yelling "SPIT!" The cowboy looks over at him and notices the Mexican guy is still staring at him. The cowboy once again orders a shot, slams it down, and yells again "TGIF!"

Once again, the Mexican orders a shot, slams it down after consuming it, and yells out "SPIT!" This goes on for a while, and the bartender stands puzzled and annoyed.

Finally, the bartender asks the cowboy "Just checking, but do you know what TGIF means?" and the cowboy replies "Hell ya I know what it means - 'Thank God It's Friday!'" The bartender asks the Mexican guy "Okay, so what does 'SPIT' mean?" and the Mexican replies "Stupid Pendejo It's Thursday!"

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When the barber finishes the shave, the old cowboy tells him that it is the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he also wants to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed the little ball.

The barber replies, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

- When do cowboys like to smoke weed?
- High noon.

- How do German Cowboys greet each other?
- Audi.

A cowboy is riding on his horse in a desert. Suddenly he sees a man lying down with his ear to the ground.
The man says: 'A carriage. 6 horses. 3 black, 2 brown and 1 white.'

The cowboy says: 'Wow! You can hear all of that?!'

'No,' says the man. 'They just ran me over.'

So a cowboy is riding his horse through the desert
When he comes across an Indian laying on the ground butt-naked with an erection.

“Howdy! Whatcha doin?” the cowboy asks the Indian.

“It’s an old trick we use to tell the time of the day” the Indian says.

“Boy that seems like a nifty trick! What time is it, then?” the cowboy inquires.

The Indian glances down at his penis and says, “almost 10 in the morning.”

The cowboy thanks the Indian for the time and travels on. A few hours later, he stumbles on another naked Indian laying on the ground with an erection.

“Howdy partner, what time is it now?” the cowboy asks.

The Indian glances down and says, “Just a little past 2 in the afternoon.”

The cowboy thanks him kindly and mosies on.

A few hours later he finds yet another naked Indian, but this one is stroking his penis pretty vigorously.

“Howdy partner, I saw your two friends earlier could tell me the time, but what are you doing?” The cowboy asks.

“Just winding up the clock.”

A cowboy walks into a bar...
He parked his horse outside and went in for a beer bottle. After finishing it up he goes to leave and his horse was stolen.

The guy walks in again, gun in the air, shoots the ceiling and shouts "you have until I finish up a second beer bottle to return my horse, or else I will have to do what I did in Texas, and I didn't like what I had to do."

He finishes his bottle and finds his horse right where it was. Before leaving, the bartender asks him "Excuse me sir, but what did you have to do in Texas?"

"I had to walk home"

Why are cowboy hats curled up on the side?
So they can fit three in the pickup.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.

How you will face your problem....
If your problem is your face ?

Knock, Knock!
Who's there?
Monet!
Monet who?
Monet doesn't grow on trees.

Q: What do you call someone hanging on a wall?
A: Art.

Q: Why was the painting arrested?
A: Because it was framed.

Q: Why do we paint Easter eggs?
A: Because it's easier than trying to wallpaper them!

Q: What does a painter sing when he's in Dire Straits?
A: "Monet for Nothing".

Q. Which painting is never happy?
A. The Moaning Lisa