Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Two cats are having a swimming race. One is called “One Two Three”, the other “Un Deux Trois”. Which cat won?

“One Two Three” because “Un Deux Trois” cat sank.

Why should bowling alleys be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
Clint Eastwood

Yesterday, I asked a dozen random people at the market what LGBTQ stands for...I never got a straight answer.

What is a banana’s favorite gymnastic move?
The splits!

I started investing in stocks.
Nothing too crazy- beef chicken and vegetable.
One day I'll be a bullionaire.

"Kazakhstan is friends of all except Uzbekistan, they are very nosey peoples with bone in brain."

- Borat

I saw my doctor yesterday & dropped my pants to show him the big boil on my bottom. He wasn't the least bit interested, just carried on pushing his trolley around the supermarket.

My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Recently read a book called 101 facts about binary. It was the best 5 things I ever learned.

- Святой отец, я хочу исповедоваться.
- Да, сын мой.
- В прошлую пятницу я переспал с мужчиной.
- И не перезвонил.
- Что?
- Что?

Все дети собирали макулатуру, а одна девочка метала лом.

Why do hamburgers go to the gym?
To get better buns. #punoftheda#haha

Yesterday I saw an ad that said: Radio for sale $1, volume stuck on full.
I thought: I can’t turn that down.

I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

I've just heard on the news that enough rain fell on 4th October to fill Loch Ness. I wasn't aware it was empty.

“The dimensions of what we have fucked up in this country are beyond any coherent explanation.”

—Hunter S Thompson

Asked to choose between a booty and a famous painter.
I Picasso.

My 4 year old nephew has been learning Spanish all year, but still can’t say the word please...I think that’s poor for four!

I gave my girlfriend a pendant with a picture of me inside it.
I’m Independent.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Mae West

People are always concerned about the planet we’re leaving for our kids, but nobody cares about what kind of kids we’re leaving for the planet.

American scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. Unfortunately, she changed her mind since then.

My wife left me because of autocorrect.
That's the last time she'll ever text me saying "can you please bring home some milf from the supermarket.

In MILF porn...
There's always one motherfucker...

I must be getting old.
My favorite teen pornstar is now on the MILF sites.

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

My friend was upset that he was passed over for promotion at work by an attractive older colleague.
I said, “Don’t cry over skilled milf.”

What's hindi for milf?
Mumbae.

A guy in his mid twenties is in a bar when he notices an atractive milf. He decides to try his luck and goes over to talk with her.

She seems interested and after a few drinks she asks him if he has ever considered taking part in a mother / daughter threesome. Seeing as the milf is so attractive he figures why not? Surely with such an attractive milf the daughter must be attractive as well.

They get a cab to her house and as she unlocks the door she shouts; "Mom, put in your teeth, we have a guest!"

I finally know why people like eating out MILFs.
They got the umami flavor.

I collect pictures of MILFs.
They are my pokemom cards.

My mother came up to me and said, "Son, what does MILF stand for?"
I said, "Mum I'd Like to Fuck".
She said, "Ok, let me bath first."

What's the best part of having sex with a milf?
Leaving with a juice box and bagged lunch in the morning!

I just bought PornHub Premium.
And now there aren’t any horny milfs in my area that want to have sex with me anymore.

Melbourne is beginning to look a lot like a MILF.
42 and fucking HOT.

PornHub now requires users to watch at LEAST 10 minutes of MILF dwarf content before accessing anything else.
That's just a bare mini-mum.

A captain enhances his soldiers' spirit before going to battle
He asks Ryan first

\- What is America, you?

\- It is my mother, and I love it more than anything.

\- What would you do for her?

\- I would sacrifice myself, if necessary.

Pleased, he asks Forrest

\- And you, do you love America, soldier?

\- Yes, but actually no, sir.

\- Why is that, soldier?

\- It would be morally wrong, sir. Ryan's mom is married, and I ain't a big fan of MILF.

What did the ancient egyptians call their milfs?
Mummies.

Mr. Martingale and Miss Scalper go out on a date.
Mr. Martingale is thinking "just one more drink and I will have her in the sack".
Miss Scalper is thinking "next time he leave the tip I am out here"

A long time ago, a visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, "Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers." "And where are the yachts of the investors?" asked the naive visitor.

A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

Stockbroker's creed: A man is a client until proven broke.

"I hear that you drop some money in Wall Street. Were you a bull or a bear?"
"Neither, just a plain simple ass."

There are primarily 3 different types of investors who post on the message boards.
1. Those who don't know anything: approx. 10%
2. Those who know a little: approx. 10%
3. Those who don't realize they don't know anything: approx. 80%.

Trading online is just great. I find it really speeds things up.
I now get my margin calls 5x faster than before.

Today's Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained the broker's wife. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

A market analyst is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today!

A long term investment is a short term investment that failed.

My broker and I are working on a retirement plan. Unfortunately, it's his!

What's the difference between buying a lottery ticket and buying a penny stock? In the first case, you help finance your local community swimming pool. In the second case, you help finance the stock promoters home pool.

The market may be bad, but I slept like a baby last night. I woke up every hour and cried.

How do you find a good small-cap fund manager?
Find a good large-cap fund manager, and wait.

It was so cold today I saw a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets.

"October: This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, June, December, August and February." - Mark Twain

- Как дела на личном фронте?
- Победила дружба.

A lunatic, a maniac and a serial killer have moved into our neighborhood.
We have changed the name of the street to Psycho Path.

Have you heard about the homicidal maniac who papercuts people to death with terms and conditions documents?
He’s a contract killer.

- Why did the maniac kill the train engineer?
- He had a loco-motive.

What do you call a manic-depressive math professor with suicidal tendencies?
Sinusoidal.

How many parents does it take to raise a homicidal maniac?
Two, then one, then none.

A maniac is on the loose after stabbing 6 people with a knitting needle...
Early reports from the police suggest he is following some kind of pattern...

Did you hear about the guy who got caught stealing electric guitars?
He was a Clapton maniac.

A wife calls her husband driving to work
and says, "Honey be careful. There's a maniac driving on the wrong side of the road on the highway."
He responds, "One maniac? There are hundreds of them."

A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.
Another one sticks his head out and yells:
"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"

Most men hope they will marry a nymphomaniac.
The problem is, that after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac is still there.

Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a website ?

I walked into the jewellers.
“I’d like to buy a watch please.”
“Analogue?”
“No. Just a watch.”

Pro-tip for anyone who ever has trouble sleeping through their alarms.
Sprinkle some herbs in your bed before going to sleep.

Guaranteed to help you wake up on thyme.

Never use a Ouija board to contact a dyslexic spirit.
It's too hard.

Remember, when you bury a body-
cover it with endangered plants so it will be illegal for anybody to dig it up.
Follow me for more tips.

With 2nd lockdown looming, I saw a man with 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 7 sombreros, I think Hispanic buying.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

Remember, before internet, how everybody thought the cause of dumbness was limited access to information?“

I wonder if Kevin Bacon movies are banned in Muslim countries?

Tomato is a fruit, right? Does that make ketchup a smoothie?

How can you tell a programmer is an extrovert? When you’re talking to him, he’s looking at your shoes.