Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: What do you call a painting by a cat?
A: A paw-trait.

Q: Why did the artist get into an argument with the curator at the art gallery?
A: He wasn't in the right frame of mind.

Did you hear about the guy who stole all those paintings? He tried to brush it off, but I think he was framed.

Q: How does Salvador Dali start his mornings?
A: With a bowl of "Surreal"

Q: What do you call a mixed media artist without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.

Q: Why did the painter butter his toast with his fingers?
A: To feel its texture.

Q: What did Michelangelo say to the ceiling?
A: I got you covered.

Q: Did you hear about the artist who paints in jail?
A: He had a brush with the law.

Q: Did you here about the attempt robbery at the museum?
A: They had ran out of gas a few blocks away when the police caught them, and they said, "We didn't have the Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh"

Q: Where does a cow hang his paintings?
A: In a mooooseum.

Q: Did you hear about the artist who died ?
A: Too many strokes.

Q: Why did Van Gogh become a painter?
A: Because he didn't have an ear for music.

Does eating pussy on taco Tuesdays count as eating tacos?

A language is a dialect with an army and a navy.

An English professor complained to the pet shop proprietor, "The parrot I purchased uses improper language."
"I'm surprised," said the owner. "I've never taught that bird to swear."
"Oh, it isn't that," explained the professor. "But yesterday I heard him split an infinitive."

A gentleman wanders around the campus of a college looking for the library. He approaches a student and asked, "Excuse me young man. Would you be good enough and tell me where the library is at?"
The student, in a very arrogant and belittling tone, replied, "I sorry, sir, but at this school, we are taught never to end a sentence with a preposition!"

The gentleman smiled, and in a very apologetic tone replied, "I beg your pardon. Please allow me to rephrase my question. Would you be good enough to tell me where the library is at, asshole?"

The linguist's husband walked in and caught his wife sleeping with a young co-ed. He said, "Why, Susan, I'm surprised." She bolted upright, pointed her finger and corrected him, "No. I am surprised. You are astonished."

At the dinner table..
Dad: So how's college these days, kid? what classes are you taking?

Kid: Intro to linguistics. Ugh, it's a shitty course.

Dad: Language!

How did the linguistics professor punish the late student?
He gave him a harsh sentence.

What do you call a world renowned linguist?
A figure of speech.

I was hit on by a linguist the other day.
She asked me to conjugate, but I had to decline.

A philosopher says to a linguist, “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?”
The linguist replied, “They’d be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

My wife left me for a fast talker.
He was a cunning linguist.

I fear I've wasted my life. I spent years and years learning Latin, Spanish, Mandarin, and Swahili but it turns out I just misheard my uncle when I though he told me "girls love a cunning linguist".

What shoes do linguists wear?
Converse.

A linguist dies.
At the funeral, a fellow academic asks his wife, “do you mind if I say a word?”
She nods.
He stands and says “Plethora”, and immediately sits back down.
She says, tearfully, “thank you, that means a lot.”

What language should the linguist end with?
Finnish!

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".
The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

Linguists from France, Italy, and Germany were debating which language was the most beautiful.
The German representative was waving his hand frantically to be chosen to speak, when the French representative began to speak.

"French is certainly sublime. Consider the word Papillon. How could the word for butterfly be more beautiful than the butterfly itself”

The German is dying to speak, but then the Italian chimes in.

"Italian is as beautiful as French. Our word for butterfly is Farfalle, also more beautiful than the insect itself"

Finally it's the German's turn. He is dying to speak and blurts out,

"AND VAT IS WRONG WITH SCHMETTERLING!?"

I asked a linguist, "I'd like to speak to my cat. Can you teach me how?"
"For starters," she said, "the h is silent."

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, "In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative." But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

Birthdays.

In high doses they are fatal.

I start a new job in Seoul next week...I thought it was a good Korea move!

What is it with people that won’t embrace modern technology? Answers on a postcard please.

My husband is leaving me because I always go off-topic in the middle of the Mediterranean, and we had a lovely time.

What do you call a dentist who doesn't like tea?

Denis

When I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap Australian lager. It wasn’t until I was 18 that I realised I’d been fostered.

The bride wept, the bridesmaids cried - and even the wedding cake was in tiers.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman’s finger and two under the man’s eyes.

Do you know why the King of Hearts married the Queen of Hearts? They were perfectly suited to each other.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of “RINGS” : The Engagement Ring The Wedding Ring The Suffering The Enduring.

Did you hear about the notebook who married a pencil? She finally found Mr. Write.

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. —Rita Rudner

Marriage is becoming more and more progressive. I hear two scoutmasters decided to tie the knot.

I just saw two nuclear technicians getting married. The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

Two florists recently got married. It was an arranged marriage.

Marriages are made in heaven. Then again, so are thunder, lightning, tornadoes, and hail.

It doesn’t matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Did you hear about the two cell phones who got married? The reception was terrific.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye opener.

Grooms, once you get married remember that when you have a discussion with your future wife, always remember to get the last two words in: “Yes dear”.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
A: The pronunciation.

Q: What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?
A: Taller.

Q: What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
A: His partners.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad.
A: Senator.

Q: What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
A: Not enough cement.

Q: What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
A: They're both extinct.

Q: What are lawyers good for?
A: They make used car salesmen look good.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Only three. The rest are true stories.

Q: How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
A: They both look good hanging from a tree.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
A: God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A: After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.

Q: What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?
A: One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life.

Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer.

Q: What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?
A: A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight.

Q: Why did God invent lawyers?
A: So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on.

Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50
A: Senator.

Q: What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
A: Lipstick.

Многие жёны обращаются со своим мужем как с Богом - вспоминают о нём, когда им что-то нужно.

Any mushroom can be eaten. The trick is to find those mushrooms that can be eaten more than once.

I knocked up my ex-girlfriend.

Though I'm being told that's not how I should announce my wife's pregnancy.

A woman meets with an attorney and says “I want to divorce my husband!“
“OK” the attorney responds, “let’s start with a few questions first.”
“Like what?” she asks.
“Well, do you have any grounds?”
“Yes, we have about 5 acres out in the country.”
“No, I mean do you have a grudge?”
“No, but we have a nice, wide carport and a storage shed.”
“Let me ask this a different way. Do you have any complaints about him?”
“Like what?”
“Well, does he beat you up?”
“No, I’m up at least an hour before him every day.”
“Well, what about your role here? Do you ever wake up grouchy?”
“No, when he’s in a bad mood I just let him sleep.”
Exasperated, the attorney finally asks, “Why exactly do you want to get a divorce?”
“Well,” she replies, “the guy just can’t communicate!”

Spouse #1: Honey, this coffee tastes like dirt. Spouse #2: That's not surprising, dear, it was just ground this morning.