Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Говорят, не повезет Если черный кот дорогу перейдет А пока наоборот Тедйереп угород ток ииынреч илсе тезевоп ен тяровог.

I juss wanna get rich the same way y'all get pregnant:

fast & unplanned.

My safe word is "meatloaf," because I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Did you know Harry Potter is a developer?

He is fluent in python.

Please use a condom on Valentines Day.
I hate Taurus.

When you are angry, stay silent.

Keep your circle small, but smart. Fewer people, less nonsense.

Risk is better than regret.

Never tell somebody everything. You might be educating an enemy.

"don’t ever let the same people disappoint you twice."

God works in mysterious ways is a euphemism for "Stop asking hard questions".

Teacher: “Give me a noun, Tom?”
Tom: “Dust”
Teacher: “Correct. Now give me collective noun.”
Tom: “Vacuum cleaner.”

Classical music is just heavy metal before electricity.

Абитуриенток с именем-отчеством Марь Иванна берут в педагогический институт без экзаменов...

Девушка занимается любовью со студентом:
- Ну что, ты уже кончил?
- Нет, я ещё на четвертом курсе.

Pro tip: Don't moan when getting a pat down at airport security.

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

Politicians should be limited to two terms: 1 in office and 1 in prison.

- Что самое лучшее на свете?
- Секс!
- А какой секс?
- На Свете!

I caught my coworker watching porn during our meeting

He said this is his home security camera.

Momma said i can become anything,

So i became a fucking problem.

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.

i only type in lower case letters because i hate capitalism

Me: It's not about how many times you fall, it's about how many times you get back up.
Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work.

Если дать человеку кусок мяса, он ляжет спать сытым. А если добавить две бутылки водки, то ещё и одетым.

Somebody with yo ex right now realizing why you left.

Если вам изменила любимая - не надо устраивать скандал жене.

- Папа, а почему меня зовут Изабелла?
- Когда-нибудь поймешь, моя полусладкая.

"Censorship reflects a society's lack of confidence in itself."
Potter Stewart

- Жила-была одна маленькая девочка и вот однажды темной-темной ночью... ей исполнилось 47.

I have a joke on digital marketing but you will have click first.

The system isn't broken. It is working exactly as intended.

Эротический двухсерийный фильм. Серия I: "Принцесса на Горошине". Серия II: "Горошин на принцессе".

It's not a pandemic, it's BigPharma terrorism.

Все люди одинаковы, но проявляют свою одинаковость по-разному.

- Я крут!
- Как яйца?
- Спасибо, нормально.

My wife will be coming back home today. I haven't cleaned or done the dishes for a week.
Now she'll see that I can't live without her.
I'm so romantic!

NO ALCOHOL touching my lips this year ‼️

Imma use a straw.

Eat pussy while it's still legal.

Does rocking a vending machine count as exercise?

If you're inclined to take urinate while you're in the shower be sure to add “multitasking” to your resume.

What’s the difference between a rabbit and a plum?

They’re both purple except for the rabbit.

It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

If you love something, let it go... and that's EXACTLY what I've done with my body.

It's unacceptable to use chauvinistic names for short women, a little bird told me.

When I was a kid, bedtime was 9 pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted... turns out that's 9 pm.

Just once I'd like someone to call me "sir" without having to add "you need to calm down or we're going to have to ask you to leave".

My ex gf is a pirates worst nightmare !

A sunken chest with no booty .........

- Верите ли вы в существование Санта-Клауса?
- Санта-Клаус не существует! Мне об этом сам Дед Мороз рассказывал.

Милиционер останавливает машину. Из машины выходит подвыпившая девушка.
Милиционер: Так, езда в нетрезвом состоянии.
Девушка: Сам ты езда....

Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves... that's where I come in.

ХарАктерному актёру не давали в театре ролей из-за отсутствия характера!

Regrets are the most unprofitable place to invest thoughts.

Девушки делятся на тех кто во время секса стонет, и тех кто терпит. )))

Бросать окурки в форточку - дурной тон. Они могут упасть на хороших людей, которые ссут под окнами...

Why do Irishmen wear two condoms?
.
.
.
To be sure, to be sure! 😛

Perfectionism is an educated way of procrastinating.

-Товарищ прапорщик! А почему у человека задница разделена вертикально, а не горизонтально?
- Чтобы при беге не хлопала!

Don’t make permanent decisions on temporary emotions.

Делай что можешь, и будешь должен кому надо.

In hell you're surrounded by people saving "Ekspecially" and "Irregardless".

I would make a dick joke

But I’m not sure it would fit in.

The correct way to spell "hats" is HATS because it's all caps.

Жареная панда по вкусу очень напоминает копченого уссурийского тигра.

В мужчине заложено чувство ритма, нужно только ему разрешить.

Хороший математик каждое утро извлекает свой корень из неизвестной...

Pick up lines for statisticians: "I think our correlation is high".

Q: Why do dogs lick their balls?
A: Because they can.
Q: So why do they stick their noses in women’s crotches?
A: Same reason.

Хочется в жизни чего-то светлого. Например, блондинку.

Why was Helen Keller a bad driver?

Because she was a woman.

— Ты образец занудства!
— Не образец, а эталон.

New Year New Me…
I’m gonna be worse!

В женщине главное душа. И желательно не меньше третьего размера.

I’ve been told I need professional help….. I think a chef, maid and butler should do.

- Как вы удаляете трудновыводимые пятна?
- С трудом вывожу.

Спускаешься такой по лестнице... Хуяк, а она социальная!

“Of all bad men, religious bad men are the worst.”
— C. S. Lewis

A German study concludes that staring at women's breasts for 10 minutes a day is better for your health than going to the gym.

At my wedding, There will be a break for y’all to go home and eat then come back.

"To be totally frank, almost every conspiracy theory that people had about Twitter turned out to be true.”
-@ElonMusk