Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I'm so torn on circumcision.

I mean, you're either foreskin or against it.

Адвокат спрашивает у клиента:
- Почему от вас ушла жена?
- Понятия не имею, сладкий ты мой!!!

-Алексей, открою Вам тайну. Вы тормоз.
- Какую ?

The girlfriend keeps moaning that there's not enough room in the wardrobe.

She needs to shut the fuck up, the wife might discover her.

- Дорогая, что бы ты хотела на 8 марта?
- Не знаю...
- Ну а что тебе нравится?
- Сосед с 4 этажа.

"What a lovely pair of Blue Tits" said one Bird Watcher to the other

"Will you please shut up!" shouted everyone else at the Avatar 2 screening.

In Thailand, where on the woman's body is the clitoris?

Depends on the surgeon.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

Маленький мальчик залез в холодильник,
маленькой ножкой нажал на рубильник.
Быстро замёрзли сопли в носу...
Так и не съел он свою колбасу...

Remember that 90% of what you feel is simply your own interpretation.

The Federal Reserve is a PRIVATE banking cartel disguised as a government system. Its real purpose is to steal wealth from the people.

- Алле ! Это синагога?
- Синагога .
- Это еврейская синагога?

- Фима, зачем ты женился на молодой, ты же умрёшь, а она останется...
- Лучше пусть останется, чем не хватит...

When you get old in the hips, you got to be young in the lips.

I hate those things that pop up out of nowhere when I'm watching porn.

Co-workers.

- Подсудимый, что вас побудило ограбить банк?
- Он первый начал!

- Если Бога нет, то Слава Богу, а если Он есть, то не дай Бог.

Life tip:
Double the life of your phone battery,
put the fuckin' thing DOWN....

Older Nurse talking to younger collogue: "Did you see the man in Rm 14? He has 'Adam' tattooed on his penis."

Younger prettier nurse: "It says Amsterdam."

I haven't tried yoga... but I have tried bending over to pick up my keys, so I'm pretty sure I'd hate yoga.

В игре в бутылочку Машу из 11«Б» смущало не столько наличие физрука, сколько отсутствие других девочек.

Why is cowgirl my girlfriend's favorite position?

Because she says I'm only good at fucking up.

So many rules; so little time to break them.

If you don't know what recursion is, go back and reread this.

Stop looking for the perfect match. Use a lighter instead.

Если палочка волшебная, размер уже не важен.

“If you want the present to be different from the past, study the past.”
— Baruch Spinoza

Женщина сложное существо - даже ключ от ее сердца надо вставлять совсем в другое место.

You know its bad when you feel like your life is being directed by Quentin Tarantino.

- Мам, познакомься. Это Маша.
- Ты же собаку хотел!

Упавший в воду шоколадный батончик вызвал панику в бассейне.

"Nothing strengthens authority so much as silence."
~ Leonardo da Vinci

“Are you busy tomorrow?”

That entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.

Pro tip: People give you their money if you call linear algebra "artificial intelligence"

Taxation is theft. And inflation is taxation.

Что у трезвой девушки на уме - то у пьяной во рту.

Как не старался принц, принцесса так и не почувствовала его горошину.

Маленький Лёша нашел заначку родителей и на все деньги купил барбарисок - Теперь сосёт вся семья!

Должен ли джентльмен пожелать даме спокойной ночи, если спокойной ночи дама не желает ?

Anal, because happiness often sneaks in a door you didn't think was open.

— Чем в России отличается проводы в армию от похорон?
— На одного пьяного меньше.

What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong.

Easier to Ask for Forgiveness than Permission.

"It's Raining Men" and "Let the Bodies Hit The Floor" are the same song from different points of view.

Не судите человека по друзьям: у Иуды они были идеальны.

- Слышь, а Ванька-то, педераст, оказывается!
- Откуда знаешь?
- Жопой чувствую..

I lost my virginity just to make my dog happy...

Had an interview for a job as a farrier once. I was asked if I had ever shoed a horse. I said no, but I’d told a donkey to go away once.

Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.

If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0.

Which superhero won't stop thinking?

Wonder woman.

Dance like no one's watching. Sing like no one's listening.
Drive like no one knows you have
a corpse in the trunk.

'If socialists understood economics they wouldn't be socialists.'
— Friedrich Hayek

My friend is so lucky, his gf doesn't mind him checking as many asses as he wants!

By the way, he is a proctologist

Can anybody tell me if
"The skulls of your enemies" are dishwasher safe?

My rights are not up for negotiation because of your feelings.

Did you hear about the guy who got a window shoved up his butt?

It was a huge pane in the ass.

В семье был только один стакан, поэтому муж переставал пить, только тогда, когда жена лепила пельмени.

Какая разница между верным и неверным мужчиной?
У верного иногда бывают угрызения совести.

Sorry but I don’t answer private numbers.

Or numbers that I don’t know.

Or anyone, ever.

Also, don’t call me.

I'm not always the cunt.
Sometimes I'm asleep.

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order.

Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

ChatGPT is a woman because she know everything and she's always right.

I always see more people walking into Walmart than out of Walmart... but the meat is cheap so I don't ask questions.

Every girl is a stripper if you wait outside of her window long enough.

Some guys pay to see the pussy when they can look in the mirror for free.

- С одной стороны ты очень красивая...
- А с другой?
- А с другой стороны у тебя лицо.

- Что такое верх оптимизма?
- Это когда двое голубых покупают детскую коляску!

Rule .1 Make money.

Rule .2 Don't tell anyone you're making money.

If you trust the government you obviously failed history class.

Моника-Моника, поиграем в слоника !

Did you know there are no shepherds in shepherd's pie?

I had a pretty good chinese spy balloon joke, but it got shot down.

“Wealth is assets that earn while you sleep.”

— Naval Ravikant

Я знаю, что такое целлюлит ! Когда человек долго пытается думать жопой - на ней появляются извилины !

Behind every great ML model, there is an even greater training dataset.

Why does sexual reassignment surgery only have 2 gender options?

"The best error message is the one that never shows up."

- Thomas Fuchs

protip: buy toothpaste without fluoride and deodorant without aluminum.