Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
The tips were huge.

Многие спрашивают, как мне удалось бросить курить. Невероятно, но я просто перестал вставлять сигареты в рот и поджигать их. Это сработало!

My house is haunted by the ghost of an angry chicken.
It’s a poultrygeist!

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.
It's twelve.

Next weekend I am attending an animal rights barbecue.

I was having trouble with my laptop, so I called the Currys PC helpline.
He said, 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'
I said, 'Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man'.

I've invented a new type of Fire Extinguisher but I can't see it setting the World on fire.

As a child we were so poor all my school clothes came from the Army Surplus store. I was the only Japanese General in my class.

Не хочу сказать, что моя бывшая была толстой... но моему матрасу с эффектом памяти потребовался год, чтобы забыть её.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from a duck !!!!

Идеальная семья: папа работает, мама красивая.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, everyone said he was crazy but he was actually 0K.

If there’s one thing that always makes me throw up...

It’s a dart board on the ceiling.

Почему женщины носят юбки, а мужики штаны? Ведь анатомически удобнее наоборот.

Watched 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' for the umpteenth time last night.

Never gets old.

What were house flys called before houses??

I've just written a book on poltergeists, it's flying off the shelf.

I come from a family of musicians.
Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

You know that Mary Jane that lives down the road is a cheat", declared Jenni's little boy.

"Why do you say that?", Jenni asked.

The boy reported, "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine- but it turned out she hasn't got one!

I once played as a pantomime horse with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was very insistent that I was at the front.

I think i may be drinking too much, the last time i gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

How often should a person make chemistry jokes?

Periodically!!!

What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K resolution?

HDMI

The prostitute said that she sucks at her job.

"It's considered impolite to lick your knife when you've done!"
"I dont understand, why?"
"Because you're a surgeon!"

I couldn’t believe it today when i came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son isn’t actually mine..
She says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school..

I've been trying to put a Turban on for the last hour but I just can't wrap my head around it!

How do you handcuff someone who only has one arm?

You can't use "beefstew" as a password.

It's not stroganoff

I worked for a posh bra company, i was part of the support team .

I've just been ripped off!!!
Went to watch the Never Ending Story and it only lasted 1 hour & 30 minutes..🤔

A man jumps in a taxi.
King Arthur's Close , he says
The driver says, Dont worry sir I,ll lose him at the next set of traffic lights.

how does Edward Scissorhands pee?

Police are investigating a break in at the local pet supply store. The robbers stole all of the dog walking equipment, police say they have no leads!

Do you ever go out and while you’re out,
you think, “this is exactly why I don’t go out “?

Do you remember that joke I posted about my chiropractor?
It was about a weak back?

If the Starship Enterprise boldly goes where no one has gone before ....
How come they always meet somebody?

My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

If I park outside my local electrical store, will I get charged ?

If cinderella's shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off ?

As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."

I said, "How do you know?"

She said, "You live next door."

The man who owned Odeon cinemas has died.
His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40.

Overweight people, stop calling yourself fat and destroying your self esteem! You’re bigger than that!

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes" said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it".
"Well, help yourself" said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek".
The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!

Just bought a step-by-step guide to laying stair carpet.

I've decided to open a music studio in jail.
It's called criminal records.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

How they code Google without Google ? 😁

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist". The proctologist fainted.

The six men in a woman's life who turn her on
The Doctor because he says; "Take your clothes off"
The Dentist because he says; "Open wide"
The Milkman because he says; "Do you want it in the front or the back"
The Hairdresser because he says; "Do you want it teased or blown"
The Interior Decorator because he says; "Once it's in, you'll love it"
The Banker because he says; "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

Two Norwegians were talking in the park when a bird splattered one of them on the head. Eyeing the mess, the victim's companion offered to go get some toilet paper.
"Won't do no good," said the messed-up one, "by the time you get back, that bird will be four miles away."

Answer: Minesweeper
Question: What did Hitler call his housekeeper?

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue In my house

He refused

Being bald is like being in heaven.

There's no dyeing.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the
service, his cousin asks him: "How many men can a woman marry?"

"Sixteen!" replies the little boy.

...His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this.

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up!

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!"

Man goes up to a woman and says "I'd give you one"
The woman says "I wouldnt sleep with you, you dirty bastard"
Man says "I dont want to sleep with you love, i was giving you marks out of 10"

When I moved to the USA from the U.K. I was frequently asked if we have July 4th in England. I said no, goes from July 3rd straight to the 5th.

I started watching a new show about terrible DIY advice.
I'm now glued to the television.

A man is lounging in his favorite chair, drinking a beer, while his wife is cutting the lawn.
A lady walking by sees this and yells at the man: "You should be hung!"
The man takes a drink of his beer, and says to the lady: "I am. That's why she's cutting the grass."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies", He
responded. "Oh.! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he
replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He
responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!

Next year I am going to hire the same landscaper as I had this year. He was so easy to get a lawn with.

I remember years ago telling my mom I’d won the Leslie Nielsen Award at school. “What’s that?” she asked. "It’s a big building with lots of teachers and pupils, but that’s not important right now”, I said...

ЛГБТ -
Люби Господа Бога Твого

Why do witches wear name tags?
To know which witch is which.

— Фpэнк, вы бeгaeтe по yтpaм?
— Heт.
— A пoчeмy, вeдь этo oчeнь пoлeзнo?!
— Moжeт быть, нo y мeня лёд из виcки вывaливaeтcя.

The tensest crowd I've ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack in the Box.

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.The first little boy says, "Alligator.""Very good, that's a big word."The second boy says, "Predator.""Yes, that's another big word. Well done."Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."After nearly falling off her chair, she says,"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything.""Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

WOMEN: "sToP sExUaLiZiNg uS"

ALSO WOMEN: "9.99 a mOnTh tO sEe mY aSsHoLe"

Father & son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be VERY QUIET. I'll be across the field."A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream & ran back to his son asking "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."The son answered "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the 2 chipmunks crawled up my pant legs & said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked.

The husband was angry when he found out that his wife had been cheating on him.
He shouts at her, "I will play second fiddle to no one!"
The wife replies, "Second fiddle? With your little flute you are lucky you are still in the band!"

I went to the doctor and said I feel like a small island off the coast of Britain. He said ‘Don’t be Scilly’.

I got kicked out of Kleptomaniacs Anonymous last night.

Apparently the phrase "take a seat" is just a figure of speech.

I found I've been happier since I changed from coffee in the morning to orange juice. My doctor explained that it's the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it's the vodka.

What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."

My mother caught my brother masterbating when he was very young...In disgust she shouted " Save it until ur 21"
when he turned 21 he had 5 mason jars full..

An old man struggles to get up from the couch and puts on his coat. His wife seeing this asks "Where are you going?" "I am going to the Doctor". "Why, are you sick?" "Nope, I'm going to get some of that Viagra stuff." Immediately, the wife gets out of her rocker, and puts her coat on. Husband asks "Where are you going?" "I'm going to the Doctor too," she answers. "Why, what do you need?" She says,"If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm getting me a Tetanus shot...

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Texas State Trooper walked up to her car window, flipping open his ticket book.
She said, I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball.
He replied, Texas State Troopers don't have balls.
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left!!!

Приезжает главный раввин Израиля в Ватикан. Всё осмотрел, что-то ему
нравится, что-то не очень, но не может понять - почему посреди храма
стоит телефонная будка и обращается к местному священнослужителю:
- Святой отец, зачем здесь эта телефонная будка?
- Это связь с Б-гом.
- А могу я позвонить?
- Ну разумеется.
Раввин входит в будку, набирает номер и так десять минут общается.
По окончании разговора выходит из будки и спрашивает:
- И сколько я должен заплатить?
- 500 долларов.
- Что-что, 500 долларов за десять минут?
- Понимаете, связь идёт через спутник, а это стоит страшных денег.
Раввин без комментариев, молча достаёт из кармана означенную сумму и платит.
Через некоторое время в Иерусалим приезжает папа римский. Всё осмотрел
- и замечает, что в самой большой синагоге тоже стоит телефонная
будка.
- Это, простите, связь с Б-гом?
- Да, святой отец.
- А могу я позвонить?
- Разумеется.
Папа входит в будку, набирает номер и десять минут общается.
После разговора выходит и спрашивает:
- И сколько с меня?
- Десять центов, святой отец.
- Что-что, всего десять центов, когда у нас это стоит таких огромных денег?
- Ну, понимаете - местный звонок.

Россия — 1⁄8 часть суши, населённая ксенофобами, со всех сторон окружённая русофобами.