Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Random person: What do you call the god of thunder that cleans?
Me: jani-THOR 😆

The detective looked at the rectangular box on the bed and instantly solved the mystery. It was a brief case.

Who sang Stayin' Alive?
A. Gees
B. Gees
C Gees
D. Gees

ust got offered a job teaching poetry in prison.
Spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.

Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn’t a fjord a new one.

When I was in college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
You had to be a complete dick.

Dwayne Johnson changing his name to The Rock was one of his boulder decisions!

Buddy: A cannibal took my wife to see a Russell Crowe movie.
Me: Gladiator?
Buddy: No, I really miss her now.

Колдун с волшебной палочкой ищет ведьму с волшебной дырочкой.

- Думаю, голубчик, что вам нужно срочно выпить и потрахаться.
- Я хочу сказать, что психолог вы очень даже ничего!

Why Couldn’t COVID Get A Drink At The Bar?
Cuz COVID 19.

Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?

The opposite of right.

My girlfriend is leaving me because she says I am more obsessed with football than her and we have been together for four seasons.

I’m a bit upset tonight because the missus has left me; she says I relate everything to cricket.

It’s hit me for six.

I thought swimming with dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks.. It cost me an arm and a leg.

Loneliness is when masturbation lost its fun.

My ex broke up with me for making too many Linkin Park references.
But in the end ... it doesn't even matter.

I'm not saying I was an ugly baby but people used to stop my mum and admire my pram.

Patient: “Doctor, I have a phobia against marriage”
Doctor: “Do you know why that is?”
Patient: “I can’t say I do”

- What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
- One's a super hero and the other's a simple instruction.

I’m addicted to buying Beatles vinyl.
..Does anyone know where I can get Help?

Если тебе тяжело нести, - представь, что ты это украл и за тобой гонятся.

A bossy man goes into a bar.
He orders everyone a round.

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay ... again.

- Где лучше всего заказывать блины, чтобы не поправляться?
- В “Спортмастере”.

GRAY PRIDE, ....We’re Old, We’re Tired,
Get Off Our Lawn.

Some nights, I lie awake thinking about how our oceans are full of millions of jellyfish and not a single peanut butter fish.

- Добро пожаловать в наше арт-пространство!
- Это же просто ссаный подвал!
- Лофт...
- Там в углу крысы доедают наркомана!
- Это инсталляция!

I topped my pasta today with cheese using a device once owned by Hitler and Saddam Hussein, the grater of two evils.

Turn a regular sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

A coffin !!!!
That's the last thing I'll need.

What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out."

BREAKING NEWS

Thieves broke into WH Smiths last night and stole A4 files, folders, poly pockets and dividers.

Police are looking for a gang of organised criminals.

Бесконечно можно смотреть на три вещи...
Чтобы бесконечно смотреть на неограниченное количество вещей, купите полную версию.

Если все тебе говорят, что ты красивая, но ты сама везде и за все платишь, значит врут.

If U Work Overtime At McDonalds, Are U Working A McDouble?!

Why don’t blondes talk during sex?

Their moms taught them never to speak to strangers.

На призыв Алексиевич к русской интеллигенции первыми отозвались Кац, Шац и Альбац.

Sting was kidnapped today....
Police have no lead..

- А как вы расслабляетесь?
- А я всех напрягаю.

Did y'all know there are more nipples in this world than people 😐.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 33, looking for some action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

You know, it always makes me think back when I hear the word...

...spine.
🤔

Why did the Mexican take xanax? Hispanic attacks.

I’m developing a fear of sausages...

I fear the wurst.

As you get older, 3 things happen...first your memory goes....
I can’t remember the other two..

My bonsai tree business is doing so well I can now afford to move into smaller premises!

Why do java developers wear glasses ?
Because
They can't C#
😂

Insurance companies are warning campers that if you get your tent stolen during the night you won t be covered.

I'd like to live in an old disused lighthouse,
nothing too flashy.

Told my boss I wouldn't be coming into work as I had been told to take it easy.
He asked, "Who told you that, your doctor?"

"No," I said, "The Eagles".

I orgasmed in the tub last night.

The wife fucking hates it when I call her that.

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Tenish...

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about his history of violins.

Just started my own vacuum cleaner business,
things are picking up nicely.

I have a re-occurring nightmare that I’m on an airplane without any wings. I tried to set up a help-group but it didn’t take off.

I don't know why people talk about their phobias so much?
I don't like heights but you don't see me shouting it from the rooftops.

My friend called me
Him: what has a small dick and hangs down?
Me: I don't know
Him: bat, what has a big dick and hangs up?
And then he hung up the phone
I still don't understand

I'm nervous about my new job at the caterpillar farm.

I've got butterflies already.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going.

You have $400.

Your son texts you and asks for $200.
Your daughter then texts and asks for $150.

How much do you have left??

$400 and two unread texts..

Do stupid ppl know they are stupid? Or are they to stupid to know that too?

You can now get an action-packed boat trip to that Japanese cat island.
It's a Tom Cruise.

Если вас затопило соседи сверху, а вам лень ругаться - откройте кран и затопите соседей снизу. Не бойтесь делегировать и доверяйте другим людям.

При выборе нового президента самое трудное это избавится от старого президента.

Anyone been to the Oasis cafe in Manchester?
When you order soup, you get a roll with it.

My favourite computer passwords are "Footloose" and "Highway to the Danger Zone".
I really like Kenny Logins.

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall, it took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

I've just bought the National Eczema associations latest scratchcard.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with TV dramas.😮
Will she leave?
Find out next week..🤔

I'm starting a Facebook Group soon about looking after your guitar. So stay tuned.

Did you hear about the wedding photographer who was killed when he was crushed by an enormous block of cheese? To be fair, the entire group of posing guests did try to warn him.

Honeymoon salad recipe: lettuce alone, no dressing.

- Рабинович, а почему у вас дети седые?
- А я им на ночь вместо сказок правду жизни рассказываю!

- Фира, не делай мне смешно! Твой капитан дальнего плавания таки кинул якорь в другой бухте.
- Ой, Роза, у этого подводника уже давно не поднимается перископ. Так шо он имеет кинуть на эту бухту только взгляд, и тот взгляд таки будет прощальным.

Почему есть сыр фета, но нет колбасы тютчева?
Потому что умом Россию не понять.

Британские учёные установили, что старый конь портит не борозду, а воздух!

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

I went to try my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering.