Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Зря девки не глядят на стариков
и лаской не желают ублажать:
мальчишка переспит - и был таков,
а старенький - не в силах убежать.
- Игорь Губерман

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
I replied "No..."
She responded: "How about now?"

I'm not going to lie, my bed is broken 🙄

Flat earthers would have believed in round earth if the earth was flat.

My other wife was a genie - every time you opened a bottle she appeared by your side.

My wife's an exorcist. When she comes to your house your spirits disappear!

Just finished the exorcism course at the Vatican...my head is spinning.

Went for a walk with my new girlfriend and we saw two dogs mating, she said 'how does the male know when the female is ready for sex'?
I replied he can smell she is ready thats how nature works!
We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the yew, again my girlfreind asked how the ram knew when the yew was ready for sex.
I replied 'its nature he can smell she is ready'!
We then went past a cow field and the bull was mating the cow, my girlfriend said this is odd they are all at it, surely the bull can’t smell when she is ready, I said look its nature all animals can smell when the female is ready for sex.
Anyway, after the walk I dropped her home and kissed her goodbye, she said 'see you soon but I hope your fucking cold gets better'!

Somebody just called my phone, sneezed & hung up...
Pretty sure they were cold calling me..

Got a divorce and my ex got half of my GitHub.

- Why doesnt the USA use the metric system?
- Because we dont want any foreign rulers.

If you get a loan at a bank you pay it for 30 years. If you rob a bank, you’re out in 10 years.
Follow me for more financial advices...

I play the Bass Guitar because I want to stay out of treble.

Q are you happy with a racist President ?
A no we replaced him with President Trump )

My daughter wanted a cinderella party so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O’Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.
The Father said, ‘Top o’ the mornin’ To ye! Aren’t ye Mrs. Donovan And didn’t I marry ye and yer Hoosband two years ago?’
She replied, ‘Aye, that ye did, Father.’
The Father asked, ‘And be there Any wee little ones yet?’
She replied, ‘No, not yet, Father.’
The Father said, ‘Well now, I’m going to Rome next week And I’ll light a fertility candle for ye And yer hoosband.’
She replied, ‘Oh, thank ye, Father…’ They then parted ways..
Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, ‘Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?’
She replied, ‘Oh, very well, Father!’
The Father asked, ‘And tell me , Have ye any wee ones yet?’
She replied, ‘Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles, Ten in all!’
The Father said, ‘That’s wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?’
She replied, ‘E’s gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin’ candle!!

A white man is in the delivery room of a hospital where his wife has given birth, a nurse taps him on the shoulder with a black baby in her arms and said "Is this yours Sir?" The man says "Its quite possible, she fucking burns everything else"

Is your mind as dirty as your keyboard ?

An engineer dies and goes to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how are things going down there?”
Satan says, "Why, things are going great.
We've now got air conditioning, iced water, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified.
"What? You've got an engineer? That's clearly a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven.
Send him up here immediately!"
Satan says, "No way, I really like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I'll sue you!”
“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, "and where are you going to get a lawyer?”

A little boy is in his back garden filling a hole. The neighbour looks over the fence and asks what he is doing. Im burying my pet goldfish says the little boy. Neighbour says thats a big hole for a goldfish isnt it? Not really replies the little boy, its inside your fucking cat.

A man dies in a fire. At the coroner's office, his two brothers come to identify the body. They view the body but are not quite sure if it is their brother, so they ask the coroner to turn the body over. Confused, the coroner does as they ask.
"Naw, thats not him,"one of the brothers says.
The coroner ask them if they are sure.
"Yeah, sir,"the other brother says. "Everytime we go into town people say "There goes Bubba with them two assholes". And this feller only has one!"

A man picks up gorgeous woman at a bar and they go back to her place. Hes supprised to see how many teddy bears and stuffed toys she has in her appartment, the are everywhere. After a night of passion the man rolls over and says "how was it for you" the woman says "take any prize from the bottom shelf"

“Pack your bags I’ve won the lottery”
“Where we going?”
“I think you’ve misunderstood”

I'm going to buy two dogs and call them both Miles, so every day I can say I've walked miles and miles.

Just found out that my male goat is infertile.
No kidding.

A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!!
The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Arthur, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover !!!!!
Don't tell me you thought that Arthur became a feckin’ doctor!😂😂

My favourite planet name
is 'Saturn'.

It has a nice ring to it.

Why aren’t hemorrhoids called ASSteroids ?

After going to the hospital for a routine checkup, a man is devastated when he finds out he has the rare deadly disease B55. The doctor tells him that he only has 1 week to live.
After going home to come to terms with the news the man decides that he is not going to waste his last week alive so he and his wife go out to bingo. While he is there he decides to enter the prize draw game. First of all he gets 1 line and wins a car. Then he gets 2 lines and wins £10,000. Then he gets a full house and wins the holiday of a lifetime for two. At the end of the round the bingo caller comes up to him and said, "You must be the luckiest man in the world! You have just won a car, £10,000, and the holiday of a lifetime in just one game."
"I'm not that lucky" replied the man. "I've got B55."
The bingo callers face turns to shock and he says, "You lucky bastard! You've won the raffle as well!"

"What Dishwasher powder do you use?"
"Finish!"
"Oh sorry, Mitä Astianpesukone jauhe käytätte?"

If a woman cockblocks another woman.. Is it called a beaver dam or a taco blocko?

I scared the postman today by showing up at the door completely naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, the fact that I was naked or that I knew where he lived 😁

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

- Извините, а как звучит тема вашего доклада?
- Черные дыры.
- А вы, простите, астроном, экономист или проктолог?

I was really excited when my wife bought me a book for my birthday called “69 Mating Positions”.

Turns out it’s about Chess strategies.

I dreamt that I wrote the Hobbit the other day.

Turns out I was just Tolkien in my sleep.

As a fan of animal documentaries, I am continuously disappointed by Fox News.

Q. What’s the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?
A. The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

I’ve never had paranoid delusions. Somebody told me I did, but I know they’re lying.

Mental illness runs in my family. Which is sort of weird, because my parents weren’t very athletic.

I have bipolar disorder, generalized anxiety, disordered eating, and psychosis—which are more friends than I had in elementary school.

Did you hear the one about the train conductor who pled not guilty by insanity?
He had a real loco motive.

The doctors say I suffer from insanity, but they have it all wrong.
I enjoy every minute of it.

Mickey Mouse calls his lawyer, he doesn’t answer and leaves a message.

A few hours later the lawyer listens to the message and calls back Mickey

“Hey Mick listen I understand you want to divorce Minnie but in the state of California insanity is not grounds for a divorce.”

Mickey responds “ I didn’t say she was crazy I said she was fucking goofy.”

My Doctor: "Have any members of your family suffered from insanity?"
Me: " No, we all seem to enjoy it"

Insanity is hereditary.
You get it from your kids.

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.
Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

A blonde woman goes to the doctor
She says "Doctor, I recently started talking to myself a lot and I'm worried about my mental health"

He calms her down and says "Don't worry, people talk to themselves all the time, I do it too"

So then she responds "Yeah but you're talking to a doctor, I'm just talking with this dumb blonde chick"

*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?

*Caller*: My life sucks, I see no way out.

*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.

*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?

*Hotline*: How close are you to India?

*Caller*: Don't know exactly, maybe 400km.

*Hotline*: So can you drive a truck?

Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals.
Due to their stable environment.

I told my friend that I was feeling suicidal. He told me to talk to the mental health clinic for help
They seemed totally against the idea, I guess I’ll do it myself.

I hate the stigma around mental health
Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

Has anyone actually found those hot singles in their area ?

BLM is just KKK with color and media support.

I bought a suit of armour,
Don't like to wear it though,
It makes me look middle aged!

My wife put her hair in a bun this morning...
she’s got some weird eating habits...

Люди, которые везде видят сексуальный подтекст, давайте кончайте с этим.

My wife said that sex on holiday is the best ever, worst postcard I have ever got.

When selling used shoes, are they considered 2nd hand or 2nd foot ?

Сократ никогда ничего не записывал, считая, что письменное изложение ослабляет память.
Эта мысль дошла до нас только потому, что Платон записал ее.

Vegans believe meat eaters and butchers are gross.

But those who sell you fruits and vegetables are grocer.

We are apes with weapons and money, intoxicated by our delusions of self importance.

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?” I said: “No it doesn’t!”

Two peanuts we’re walking down the street,
One was a salted.

Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:
* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have schizophrenia, press whichever button the voice in your head tells you to press.
* If you have paranoia, we already know who you are and why you are calling. Don't hang up. It is too late.
* If you have depression, just hang up now. It wasn't going to help anyway.

"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." - Philip K. Dick

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes." - William Gibson

Если человек говорит, что книга лучше чем фильм, значит, ему никогда не делали минет в кино.

- Какая разница между ротвейлером и пуделем?
- Если ротвейлер начал ебать вашу ногу, лучше дайте ему кончить...

- What cheese is made backwards
- Edam.

Everything is a sex toy if you’re brave enough.

I am declaring a war.
var war;

- У вас есть розовая отвертка?
- Нет, к сожалению.
- А розовые пассатижи?
- Тоже нет.
...
- А жалобная книга у вас есть?
- Есть.
- Розовая?

My doctor told me I had a rare condition which makes me feel like I'm constantly being lied to.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

I've found that jogging is much more fun when you never do it.

Using Latin to look smart is my modus operandus.

Жена, сидя на коленях у мужа
- Дорогой, назови меня ласково!
- Ты моя курочка.
- А почему курочка?
- Ты у меня на яйцах сидишь!

На конкурсе мокрых маечек побеждает совсем не та, у кого майка самая мокрая.