Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

When tyranny becomes law,rebellion becomes duty.
Thomas Jefferson.

It's Palindrome race day, and I think I know which car will win

A Toyota

Although it could well be another Racecar.

I have just completed writing a book on reverse psychology.
Please don't buy it.

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron."
She was watching our wedding video again.

If the good Lord had intended for us to live in a permissive society, wouldn't the Ten Commandments have been called the Ten Suggestions?

Вопрос армянскому радио:
- Интересно, а какой вопрос больше всего бесит операционисток в банке?
- Девушка, скажите, а вы в кредит даёте?

- Ты мне изменила!!!!
- Зато он миллионер и oплатил нашу ипотеку!
- Иди обниму.

- Скажите, бармен, что это за коктейль?
- Это "Кокосовый хуй".
- Надо же, кокос вообще не чувствуется...

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing. He was gladiator.

My girlfriend phoned me last night, she said "come over there's nobody home" I went over nobody was home.

~Enter new password.
- 'chicken'
~Password must contain at least one capital
- chicken kiev

"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

- Здравствуйте, я соседка снизу. У вас со стояком все в порядке? А то у нас там все влажно...

Rice ......a speed competition between people in Birmingham.

Граждане. Главное при короновирусе - соблюдать социальную дистанцию. Чокаясь, нельзя сгибать руку в локте.

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"😜🤣

I'm starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Why don't the daleks just eat an apple a day ?

A local woman has given birth to a 23 pound baby boy...

Doctors reckon he should be walking 6 month’s before she does...

What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.

My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
The tips were huge.

Многие спрашивают, как мне удалось бросить курить. Невероятно, но я просто перестал вставлять сигареты в рот и поджигать их. Это сработало!

My house is haunted by the ghost of an angry chicken.
It’s a poultrygeist!

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.
It's twelve.

Next weekend I am attending an animal rights barbecue.

I was having trouble with my laptop, so I called the Currys PC helpline.
He said, 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'
I said, 'Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man'.

I've invented a new type of Fire Extinguisher but I can't see it setting the World on fire.

As a child we were so poor all my school clothes came from the Army Surplus store. I was the only Japanese General in my class.

Не хочу сказать, что моя бывшая была толстой... но моему матрасу с эффектом памяти потребовался год, чтобы забыть её.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from a duck !!!!

Идеальная семья: папа работает, мама красивая.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, everyone said he was crazy but he was actually 0K.

If there’s one thing that always makes me throw up...

It’s a dart board on the ceiling.

Почему женщины носят юбки, а мужики штаны? Ведь анатомически удобнее наоборот.

Watched 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' for the umpteenth time last night.

Never gets old.

What were house flys called before houses??

I've just written a book on poltergeists, it's flying off the shelf.

I come from a family of musicians.
Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

You know that Mary Jane that lives down the road is a cheat", declared Jenni's little boy.

"Why do you say that?", Jenni asked.

The boy reported, "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine- but it turned out she hasn't got one!

I once played as a pantomime horse with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was very insistent that I was at the front.

I think i may be drinking too much, the last time i gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

How often should a person make chemistry jokes?

Periodically!!!

What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K resolution?

HDMI

The prostitute said that she sucks at her job.

"It's considered impolite to lick your knife when you've done!"
"I dont understand, why?"
"Because you're a surgeon!"

I couldn’t believe it today when i came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son isn’t actually mine..
She says I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school..

I've been trying to put a Turban on for the last hour but I just can't wrap my head around it!

How do you handcuff someone who only has one arm?

You can't use "beefstew" as a password.

It's not stroganoff

I worked for a posh bra company, i was part of the support team .

I've just been ripped off!!!
Went to watch the Never Ending Story and it only lasted 1 hour & 30 minutes..🤔

A man jumps in a taxi.
King Arthur's Close , he says
The driver says, Dont worry sir I,ll lose him at the next set of traffic lights.

how does Edward Scissorhands pee?

Police are investigating a break in at the local pet supply store. The robbers stole all of the dog walking equipment, police say they have no leads!

Do you ever go out and while you’re out,
you think, “this is exactly why I don’t go out “?

Do you remember that joke I posted about my chiropractor?
It was about a weak back?

If the Starship Enterprise boldly goes where no one has gone before ....
How come they always meet somebody?

My therapist just told me that I’m completely incapable of expressing my feelings.

Can’t say I’m surprised.

If I park outside my local electrical store, will I get charged ?

If cinderella's shoe was such a perfect fit, why did it fall off ?

As I was getting in bed, she said, "you’re drunk."

I said, "How do you know?"

She said, "You live next door."

The man who owned Odeon cinemas has died.
His funeral is on Monday @ 2:10, 4:20 & 8:40.

Overweight people, stop calling yourself fat and destroying your self esteem! You’re bigger than that!

A farmer was sitting on his porch one day when a young man drives in and comes to the door.
"Sir, I was driving by and noticed you had a lot of milkweed in your pasture. Would you mind if I went out and got some milk?"
"You don't get milk from milkweed!" the farmer replied.
"Oh yes" said the young man "I have a degree in Agriculture from Texas A&M, I know all about it".
"Well, help yourself" said the farmer.
He soon saw the young man coming back to his car with two buckets full of milk.
The next day the farmer was again sitting on his porch when the same young man drove up. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting milk, I noticed you had some honeysuckle vine on the fence row. I wondered if you would mind if I got some honey?"
"You don't get honey from honeysuckle!" said the farmer.
Again, the young man explained about his degree from A&M, so the farmer agreed to let him collect some honey. Soon the young man came back to his car with two buckets full of honey.
The next day the same young man drove up to the farmer's house. "Sir, yesterday when I was getting the honey, I noticed you had some pussy willow trees down by the creek".
The farmer said "Let me get my shoes and I'll go with you!

Just bought a step-by-step guide to laying stair carpet.

I've decided to open a music studio in jail.
It's called criminal records.

The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.

How they code Google without Google ? 😁

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge Heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever. At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral...I'm a gynecologist". The proctologist fainted.

The six men in a woman's life who turn her on
The Doctor because he says; "Take your clothes off"
The Dentist because he says; "Open wide"
The Milkman because he says; "Do you want it in the front or the back"
The Hairdresser because he says; "Do you want it teased or blown"
The Interior Decorator because he says; "Once it's in, you'll love it"
The Banker because he says; "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest.

Two Norwegians were talking in the park when a bird splattered one of them on the head. Eyeing the mess, the victim's companion offered to go get some toilet paper.
"Won't do no good," said the messed-up one, "by the time you get back, that bird will be four miles away."

Answer: Minesweeper
Question: What did Hitler call his housekeeper?

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue In my house

He refused

Being bald is like being in heaven.

There's no dyeing.

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the
service, his cousin asks him: "How many men can a woman marry?"

"Sixteen!" replies the little boy.

...His cousin laughed and asked how he knew this.

"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up!

4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer!"

Man goes up to a woman and says "I'd give you one"
The woman says "I wouldnt sleep with you, you dirty bastard"
Man says "I dont want to sleep with you love, i was giving you marks out of 10"

When I moved to the USA from the U.K. I was frequently asked if we have July 4th in England. I said no, goes from July 3rd straight to the 5th.

I started watching a new show about terrible DIY advice.
I'm now glued to the television.

A man is lounging in his favorite chair, drinking a beer, while his wife is cutting the lawn.
A lady walking by sees this and yells at the man: "You should be hung!"
The man takes a drink of his beer, and says to the lady: "I am. That's why she's cutting the grass."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around
with a fly swatter "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies", He
responded. "Oh.! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he
replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He
responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone!