Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I’m developing a fear of sausages...

I fear the wurst.

As you get older, 3 things happen...first your memory goes....
I can’t remember the other two..

My bonsai tree business is doing so well I can now afford to move into smaller premises!

Why do java developers wear glasses ?
Because
They can't C#
😂

Insurance companies are warning campers that if you get your tent stolen during the night you won t be covered.

I'd like to live in an old disused lighthouse,
nothing too flashy.

Told my boss I wouldn't be coming into work as I had been told to take it easy.
He asked, "Who told you that, your doctor?"

"No," I said, "The Eagles".

I orgasmed in the tub last night.

The wife fucking hates it when I call her that.

What time does Sean Connery get to Wimbledon?

Tenish...

My ex used to hit me with stringed instruments. If only I had known about his history of violins.

Just started my own vacuum cleaner business,
things are picking up nicely.

I have a re-occurring nightmare that I’m on an airplane without any wings. I tried to set up a help-group but it didn’t take off.

I don't know why people talk about their phobias so much?
I don't like heights but you don't see me shouting it from the rooftops.

My friend called me
Him: what has a small dick and hangs down?
Me: I don't know
Him: bat, what has a big dick and hangs up?
And then he hung up the phone
I still don't understand

I'm nervous about my new job at the caterpillar farm.

I've got butterflies already.

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don't care where you're going.

You have $400.

Your son texts you and asks for $200.
Your daughter then texts and asks for $150.

How much do you have left??

$400 and two unread texts..

Do stupid ppl know they are stupid? Or are they to stupid to know that too?

You can now get an action-packed boat trip to that Japanese cat island.
It's a Tom Cruise.

Если вас затопило соседи сверху, а вам лень ругаться - откройте кран и затопите соседей снизу. Не бойтесь делегировать и доверяйте другим людям.

При выборе нового президента самое трудное это избавится от старого президента.

Anyone been to the Oasis cafe in Manchester?
When you order soup, you get a roll with it.

My favourite computer passwords are "Footloose" and "Highway to the Danger Zone".
I really like Kenny Logins.

Someone asked me if I had plans for the fall, it took me a moment to realize they meant "autumn", not the collapse of civilization.

I've just bought the National Eczema associations latest scratchcard.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with TV dramas.😮
Will she leave?
Find out next week..🤔

I'm starting a Facebook Group soon about looking after your guitar. So stay tuned.

Did you hear about the wedding photographer who was killed when he was crushed by an enormous block of cheese? To be fair, the entire group of posing guests did try to warn him.

Honeymoon salad recipe: lettuce alone, no dressing.

- Рабинович, а почему у вас дети седые?
- А я им на ночь вместо сказок правду жизни рассказываю!

- Фира, не делай мне смешно! Твой капитан дальнего плавания таки кинул якорь в другой бухте.
- Ой, Роза, у этого подводника уже давно не поднимается перископ. Так шо он имеет кинуть на эту бухту только взгляд, и тот взгляд таки будет прощальным.

Почему есть сыр фета, но нет колбасы тютчева?
Потому что умом Россию не понять.

Британские учёные установили, что старый конь портит не борозду, а воздух!

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

I went to try my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...
The difference is staggering.

When tyranny becomes law,rebellion becomes duty.
Thomas Jefferson.

It's Palindrome race day, and I think I know which car will win

A Toyota

Although it could well be another Racecar.

I have just completed writing a book on reverse psychology.
Please don't buy it.

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron."
She was watching our wedding video again.

If the good Lord had intended for us to live in a permissive society, wouldn't the Ten Commandments have been called the Ten Suggestions?

Вопрос армянскому радио:
- Интересно, а какой вопрос больше всего бесит операционисток в банке?
- Девушка, скажите, а вы в кредит даёте?

- Ты мне изменила!!!!
- Зато он миллионер и oплатил нашу ипотеку!
- Иди обниму.

- Скажите, бармен, что это за коктейль?
- Это "Кокосовый хуй".
- Надо же, кокос вообще не чувствуется...

What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
Nothing. He was gladiator.

My girlfriend phoned me last night, she said "come over there's nobody home" I went over nobody was home.

~Enter new password.
- 'chicken'
~Password must contain at least one capital
- chicken kiev

"Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille.

- Здравствуйте, я соседка снизу. У вас со стояком все в порядке? А то у нас там все влажно...

Rice ......a speed competition between people in Birmingham.

Граждане. Главное при короновирусе - соблюдать социальную дистанцию. Чокаясь, нельзя сгибать руку в локте.

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check.
"There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.
"Then it was just a matter of switching the heads"😜🤣

I'm starting a sarcasm club. It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Why don't the daleks just eat an apple a day ?

A local woman has given birth to a 23 pound baby boy...

Doctors reckon he should be walking 6 month’s before she does...

What’s the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Seasoning.

My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
The tips were huge.

Многие спрашивают, как мне удалось бросить курить. Невероятно, но я просто перестал вставлять сигареты в рот и поджигать их. Это сработало!

My house is haunted by the ghost of an angry chicken.
It’s a poultrygeist!

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been to Chernobyl.
It's twelve.

Next weekend I am attending an animal rights barbecue.

I was having trouble with my laptop, so I called the Currys PC helpline.
He said, 'Have you tried disabling cookies?'
I said, 'Well, I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man'.

I've invented a new type of Fire Extinguisher but I can't see it setting the World on fire.

As a child we were so poor all my school clothes came from the Army Surplus store. I was the only Japanese General in my class.

Не хочу сказать, что моя бывшая была толстой... но моему матрасу с эффектом памяти потребовался год, чтобы забыть её.

How do you get down from an elephant?
You don't, you get down from a duck !!!!

Идеальная семья: папа работает, мама красивая.

A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C, everyone said he was crazy but he was actually 0K.

If there’s one thing that always makes me throw up...

It’s a dart board on the ceiling.

Почему женщины носят юбки, а мужики штаны? Ведь анатомически удобнее наоборот.

Watched 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' for the umpteenth time last night.

Never gets old.

What were house flys called before houses??

I've just written a book on poltergeists, it's flying off the shelf.

I come from a family of musicians.
Even the sewing machine is a Singer.

You know that Mary Jane that lives down the road is a cheat", declared Jenni's little boy.

"Why do you say that?", Jenni asked.

The boy reported, "Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine- but it turned out she hasn't got one!

I once played as a pantomime horse with Arnold Schwarzenegger. He was very insistent that I was at the front.

I think i may be drinking too much, the last time i gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

How often should a person make chemistry jokes?

Periodically!!!

What did Master Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K resolution?

HDMI

The prostitute said that she sucks at her job.