Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42. She said, "You told me that you was 28 and a half." I said, "I am if you think about it."

My wife is so ugly, when she passed out at the Christmas party...
she woke up with more clothes on.

"Can I borrow your penguin?"

"What?"

...just another day at the office with my work colleague 'Gwynn'.

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the bad news is not that bad. The bad news is that the good news is not that good.

What is the definition of Making Love?
That's what a woman is doing while the man is FUCKING her.

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.
Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.

My girlfriend Dumped me so I stole her wheel chair !!!!
Guess who came Crawling back!

"Shit, I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow."..
"Just cancel it. Tell them you're sick."

I was watching porn last night when my mum walked in. Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.

Kiss me if I'm wrong. But dinosaurs still exist right?

Met a dyslexic atheist today. He doesn't believe in dog.

Seeing how some people wear Masks, now I understand why Condoms fail.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.
Although, they do make me look a bit gay.

There were 2 cows in a field. One cow says ''Moo''.
The other cow replies, ''Shut the fuck up you uneducated twat''.

I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you." I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

Roses are red, And sometimes thorny, When I think of you, It makes me horny.

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

I've just won 8 straight games of Paper, Scissors, Rock, against that predictable cunt Edward Scissorhands.

My Wife: My gynaecologist says I can't have sex for a month.
Me: Well, what did your proctologist say?

Hey female grammar Nazis, question: Would you rather miss a period on twitter, or in real life?

Me: Boss, I can't come in tomorrow cause I have "Anal Blindness".
Boss: WTF is this? Me: It's when I can't see my ass coming to work!

I love cooking children and dogs...but I hate using commas.

I met Eminem once, he was pretty awkward; His palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy, vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti.

The worst thing about having Alzheimer's is meeting new relatives every day.

- Why do Jews have big noses?
- Free air.

My daughter has Bieber fever.
Or, as it's medically known, Down's Syndrome.

During sex some Ladies be like, please baby don't cum inside me.
They think its easy to jump out from a speeding Vehicle....!!

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
Abpout 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"
After a moment of silence, he farted.

If you are going to assume im a racist because i support Trump, im just going to assume you like to touch kids because you support Biden.

A young teenage girl was making a living as a prostitute and for obvious reasons she kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck em dry!"

Strippers don’t have ACs in their homes.
Only fans..

Fuck me, I need to stop drinking.

If my liver becomes any more black and bloated it's gonna end up getting adopted by Angelina Jolie.

At our local zoo, they treated us just like Royalty.

Just the other day during our visit, a monkey escaped and ran off with our ginger son.

When I am not near the girl I love, I love the girl I am near!

I keep making racist jokes about my Dad and his Thai bride. He finds it really annoying...
And so does my dad.

Saw the wife at the bank today, not good news.
I was hoping she'd wash further downriver.

My wife tells me I can be an idiot sometimes...

I think it's pretty cool of her to give me permission like that...

Did you know?
In an IT company, the more you do nothing, the more you get paid.

“My wife, she’s carrying our first child. He’s eight, the lazy little…”

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife followed him and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"

John admitted that, well, yes he did.She said "You can have it, but it will cost you $200. After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should come to her house around 2:00 p.m. on FridayFriday came and John went to her house at 2:00 p.m. After paying her $200 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left.Bill came home about 6:00 P.M. He asked his wife, "Did John come by this afternoon?"Reluctantly, she replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."Next Bill asked, "Did John give you $200?"She thinks 'Oh hell, he knows!' But she says, "Yes, he did give me $200.""Good," Bill says. "John came by the office this morning and borrowed $200 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay it back.

She cried and I cried, so together we crew.

If nobody loves you, I'll be your nobody ❤️

Accordion to a recent survey, most people don’t notice when a word in a sentence is replaced with a musical instrument.

Have you heard about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives.

Just watched my
first porn today.
I was so young
back then.😂

How come “you’re a peach” is a compliment, but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit to tear society apart?

💓 _*Joke of the day !*_

A boss has to interview 4 girls for a secretary position. He asked the same question to each one of them.

Boss : "A woman normally has lips in 2 different places. What's the difference between the two ?"

First Girl : "One is hairy, the other isn't."
Boss : "OK... good !"

Second Girl : "One can talk but the other can't."
Boss : "That's better !"

Third Girl : "One is vertical & the other is horizontal."
Boss : "Hmm.. clever !"

Last Girl : "One is for me & the other is for my Boss."
Boss : "You are hired... !"

- What kind of fish has knees?
- A two knee fish.

To the 89 year old lady that just won 54 million on the lottery,
S'up baby?

I bought my wife a Pug as a present.
Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

The weirdest summer job I have ever had was cleaning the monkey cages at our local zoo.
That shit was bananas.

I asked my Chinese friend what it's like to live in China.
He says he can't complain.

If you were to ask me if I'd ever had the bad luck to miss my daily cocktail, I'd have to say that I doubt it; where certain things are concerned, I plan ahead.

—Luis Bunuel

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

I’ve never had a lentil on my face! 😂

Have you ever considered that we are at the center of the universe and it can’t get away from us fast enough?

All I’m Saying Is You Rarely See A Person Crying And Eating Pie At The Same Time.

When there is a knock on the door.Why does the dog always think it's for him........😉😉

If you own a Tesla and it gets stolen, does it become an Edison?

How many ants does it take to rent an apartment?

10

"There is no order in the world around us, we must adapt ourselves to the requirements of chaos instead.”

- Kurt Vonnegut, Breakfast of Champions

Do you know how weird it is to be the same age as OLD people??

Chinese chefs don't mind cooking out doors--but they hate wokkin' in the rain!

Продам игровую приставку Сега Мега Драйв 16 бит
, или обменяю на прибор для измерения давления.
ICQ 9218577.

People with dyslexia should untie.

Why do we have to wear seat belts in a car but not when we are on a bus?

What if John Wick is just Neo in the new Matrix program? Think about it, Even Morpheus is in it and says “John doesn’t remember but we met a long time ago.”

- Where do bees go to the bathroom?
- At the BP station!

- What do you call a bathroom Superhero?
- Flush Gordon.

- If your American in the living room what are you in the bathroom?
- Euro..pee..an.

Circus comes to town and has a 100 dollar contest to make the elephant shake his head up and down. Nobody can do it, then an old man walks from rhe hills, takes his cane, and smacks the elephant in the balls. The elephant screams in pain shaking his head up and down and the man takes his money. Next year same circus, but you have to make the elephant shake its head side to side. Nobody can do it. Along comes the same old man. "Rememeber me?" Elephant shakes up and down. "Want me to do what I did last year?" Elephant shakes side to side!

- How do you punish a blind man?
- Leave the plunger in the toilet.

Do you know the difference between toilet paper and a shower curtan… So your the one !

What happened to the fly on the toilet seat?
It got pissed off.

Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl using the bathroom?Why can't you hear a Pterodactyl using the bathroom?
Because the 'p' is silent!Because the 'p' is silent!

- What did one toilet say to the other?What did one toilet say to the other?
- “You look a little flushed!”“You look a little flushed!”

Why was Tigger in the bathroom?Why was Tigger in the bathroom?
He was looking for Pooh!He was looking for Pooh!

I recently bought a toilet brush.I recently bought a toilet brush.
Long story short, I'm going back to toilet roll!Long story short, I'm going back to toilet roll!

I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet.I've got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet.
I call it my diarrhea!I call it my diarrhea!