Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Doctor, doctor! I think I have a bladder infection!Doctor, doctor! I think I have a bladder infection!
I see urine trouble!I see urine trouble!

What did Spock encounter in the Enterprise toilet?What did Spock encounter in the Enterprise toilet?
The captain’s log!The captain’s log!

Why do people take naps on the toilet?Why do people take naps on the toilet?
Because it's a restroom!Because it's a restroom!

There are two reasons you shouldn't drink from the toilet.There are two reasons you shouldn't drink from the toilet.
Number one and number two!Number one and number two!

The bartender says, “Man, you look awful! What’s up?”The bartender says, “Man, you look awful! What’s up?”
The toilet paper says, “Nothing, really. I’m just wiped.”The toilet paper says, “Nothing, really. I’m just wiped.”

I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write an essay on my results.I’ve been experimenting with iron, carbon, and aluminum to make a better toilet. I’m going to write an essay on my results.
It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter”!It’s titled “The FeCAl Matter”!

- Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
- To reach the bottom!To reach the bottom!

My uncle stopped smoking because of coronavirus.
RIP uncle Jim.

A man noticed that his friend only smoked two cigarettes at a time.
He asked him about it and his friend said: "one for me and one on my imprisoned brother's behalf. He told me to smoke for him too"

Years later, the man saw his friend smoking only one cigarette, he told him: "I'm guessing good news! Your brother finished his sentence?"

His friend said: "No, I quit smoking"

I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are “Cremation” and “Burial”.

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant. "Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked." "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer. "But I did send them," said the defendant. "What?? You did?" "Yes, That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

A young man and his hot date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl. "Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

Two Edith and Marie were outside their nursing home, having a smoke when it started to rain. Edith pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. Marie: What's that? Edith: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Marie: Where did you get it? Edith: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Marie hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers. Marie: It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel. The pharmacist fainted.

Two Jesuit novices both wanted a cigarette while they prayed. They decided to ask their superior for permission. The first asked but was told no. A little while later he spotted his friend smoking and praying. "Why did the superior allow you to smoke and not me?" he asked. His friend replied, "Because you asked if you could smoke while you prayed, and I asked if I could pray while I smoked!"

How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.

What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.

When you're drinking,
your drink is also getting drunk.

Just had a meal in the new Titanic Restaurant, It didn't go down well. it was a disaster!

I like to imagine that the person who created the umbrella wanted to call it brella.

But they hesitated

One day an old man goes into a pharmacy, reaches into his pocket and takes
out a small bottle and a teaspoon laying it on the counter.
He asking the pharmacists "Could you taste this for me, please."
Being a senior citizen, the pharmacists went along, taking the spoon with a
tiny dab of the liquid, puts it in his mouth swills the liquid around and
with a grimacing look spits it out in a cup.
"Now does that taste sweet to you?" says the old man.

The pharmacists said to the old man "Hell no!"
"Oh that's a relief," say the old man, "The doctor told me to come here and
get my urine tested for sugar."

I was about to smoke weed with a Mexican girl. Until I asked her if she had papers and she ran off.

Yo momma is like a cigarette, I have her 40 times a day and she's killing me.

- How can you tell a brunette is really a natural blonde?
- She has her tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her cigarette.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards… The steaks were pretty high.

He: “Do you smoke after sex?”
She: “I don’t know. I’ve never looked.”

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.” The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No” said Little Johhny. “Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, “Can I have some of your cookies?” Little Johnny replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” His grandpa replied, “It most certainly can!” Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.

- What kind of cigarettes does a hippie smoke?
- Yours.

- What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
- Stop and apply lubrication.

I quit smoking ’cause I want to live, and now that I’m not smoking, I don’t want to live anymore.
~ Gregg Rogell

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. ~ Fletcher Knebel

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I’ve done it thousands of times. ~ Mark Twain

- Why did the ghost decide to become a vegan?
- Because it's super natural.

- What is the difference between being a vegan and suffering from the novel coronavirus?
- In the case of COVID-19, the loss of sense of taste is only temporary.

- What is a vegan Viking called?
- A Norvegan.

Veganism is like Communism..
They are both fine, unless you like food.

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.
So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!
I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

- What's the toughest part of being a vegan?
- Apparently keeping it to yourself.

- Do you serve vegetarians here?
- Of course, how would you like them cooked?

Went to the pub last night dressed as a tennis ball, got served straight away.

A vegetarian has a carrot sticking out of one ear, celery out of the other, and a mushroom up his nose. He goes to the doctor and asks him what's wrong. The doctor tells him, "Well, for one thing, you're not eating right."

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I eat meat and I feel bad for the animals, but I mean.. run faster I guess and stop tasting good.

I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.

Vegan Mom: Honey, Animals are living breathing things and we can't eat them!
Son: If animals aren't supposed to be eaten, then why are they made out of meat?

Q: What do you call a vegetarian who starts eating meat?
A: Someone who lost their veg-inity!

Q: Why did the vegetarian cross the road?
A: Because she was protesting for the chicken, MAN!

Q: How many vegetarians does it take to eat a cow?
A: One if nobody's looking.

Q: What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea?
A: A Salad Shooter.

Q: What is the Native American word for vegetarian?
A: "Poor hunter!"

Q: What does a cannibal do after he eats a vegetable?
A: He throws away the wheelchair!

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Everybody knows they can't change anything.

Q: What do you call a fascist vegan?
A: Lactose intolerant.

Q: Why are vegans detrimental to the earth?
A: Because they produce immense amounts of methane.

Q: Did you hear about the vegan Zombie?
A: He went to the insane asylum and only ate the vegetables!

Q: Why do gay vegetarians only eat hummus?
A: Because they are hummusexuals?

Q: What did Cher say to the vegan?
A: I Got Tofu babe.

Q: What do yo call a vegan post-punk band?
A: Soy Division.

Q: What do Tofu And Dildos Have In Common?
A: They're Both Meat Substitutes!

Q: What do you call a vegan guy who likes to pleasure himself?
A: A non-dairy creamer.

Q: Why are all lesbians vegetarian?
A: Because they don't eat meat.

Q: Why do vegans give good head?
A: Because they are used to eating nuts.

If James Bond is the most famous spy, doesn't that make him the worst spy?

My L‌‌esbian neighbours Jane a‌‌nd Caroline a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌ecently.

They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌ere desperate to have a baby.

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ Vasectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

India banned TikTok but most of Indian movies are just really long TikTok videos.

My problem now is these two words "SAME" and "SIMILAR".... Are they similar or the same ?

What if Earth is like one of those uncontacted tribes in South America, like the whole Galaxy knows we're here but they've agreed not to contact us until we figure it out for ourselves ?

If people from Poland are called Poles,why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Two lesbians built themselves a wood-frame house.
It was all tongue-and-groove, and not a stud in sight.

How many vegans does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to check for animal ingredients.

- What does a vegan zombie eat?
- GRAAIIIIIIIINS.

I met this woman today who said she recognized me from a vegan group, but I'd never met herbivore.

How can you tell if someone is vegan?
Don't worry. When you offer them meat, they will say 'no thanks', then you can relentlessly ask them questions why, then you can get upset and accuse them of going on about it.

Can I tell you a vegan joke? I promise it won't be cheesy.

What’s the difference between the US and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

- Что популярно в этом сезоне?
- Мозги дико популярны, а вам подойдет шляпка..

If you go in a fake time machine, you still come out in the future.

Did you know that 4 out of every 3 people has trouble with fractions?

You are never alone if you have schizophrenia 🤔🤔🤔

"The speed of Time, is exactly one second per second."😎

This morning I was in my car playing air drums to Metallica. I lost one of my sticks out the window so switched to Def Leppard.