Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I used to wonder what owls looked like without feathers.. googled it.... DO NOT GOOGLE IT....

If humans evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

"No, thanks. I'm a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.

Where did the spaghetti and the sauce go dancing? The meatball!

A donkey fell into a bowl of sugar. Now that's a sweet ass.

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

Life is like a box of chocolates; it ends sooner for fat people.

Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.

I saw my dad chopping up onions today and I cried. Onions was a good dog.

My girlfriend's such a bad cook, she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious...

What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you will rise and shine!

Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels!

I got gas for $1.39 today. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell.

For Halloween we dressed up as almonds. Everyone could tell we were nuts.

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M's because let's be honest here.

Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.

Turning vegan is a big missed steak.

I know milk does a body good, but damn girl, how much have you been drinking?

Pavlov walks into a bar. The phone rings, and he says, "Damn, I forgot to feed the dog."

Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

Smoking will kill you... Bacon will kill you... But, smoking bacon will cure it.

Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it. And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.

Q: What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frogs finger!

Q: "What do tofu and a dildo have in common?"
A: "They are both meat substitutes!"

Q: Why are men like coffee?
A: The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!

Q: "What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?"
A: "I want you inside me!"

Q: Did you see the movie about the hot dog?
A: It was an Oscar Wiener.

Friends are like panties. Some crawl up your ass, some snap under pressure, some don't have the strength to hold you up, some get a little twisted, some are your favorite, some you can see right thru, some are cheap and just plain nasty and some actually cover your ass when you need them to.

To Succeed In All Aspects Of Life;You Need A WISHBONE,A BACKBONE & A FUNNYBONE!!!

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was seeing someone on the side.

The utensils were dirty. They were caught forking each other

Go to an animal shelter for a new pet and people praise you.
Go to a women's shelter for a new girlfriend and everyone loses their minds 😂😂😂😂

My man tried to make me have sex on the hood of his honda civic,😳
if I'm going to have sex,its goin to b on my own Accord😂🙄😜

My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files.

I always have trouble with emotional attachments.

If you have to choose between your dog and your wife, lock them in a trunk for 30 minutes. Keep the one that's happiest to see you.

Do you know why when ducks fly in a “V” one side is longer than the other?
Because there are more ducks on that side. 😁

Когда работодатель ищет волшебника, то чаще всего находит сказочника.

How often does a Smurf fart?
Once in a Blue moon.

Sunday and Monday are in a fight.
Who wins??
Sunday!
Because Monday is a weekday. 😉

I have COD.
It’s like OCD, but the letters are in the proper order.

Лукашенко смотрит на свой портрет на стене в кабинете и говорит:
- Скоро меня, наверное, снимут.
Портрет улыбается, шевелит усами и отвечает:
- Нет, это меня снимут, а тебя повесят!

I haven't been right since my wife hit me on the head with a tambourine.
I think I'm suffering from percussion.

Cop: The murder weapon fell into a puddle of cement. We now have concrete evidence.

What did the jeweler say to his girlfriend?
"Give me a ring when you get home."

Cigarette companies kill their best customers and Condom companies prevent their future customers from even being born.

Men and Women compete separately in Chess championships.
It means one gender is definitely dumber than the other.

Isn’t it weird that to sleep, you trick yourself into thinking you’re asleep.

and to wake up, you trick yourself into thinking you don’t hate life.

I saw a one legged man at the atm, he was checking his balance.

When I die, I would like the word 'Humble'...to be etched on my 17 foot statue...

Caller: Is Ruth there?

Sorry wrong number

We are ruthless here.

I was always told to eat all my food so that I'd grow to be big and strong. When exactly does the strong part kick in?

Just to let you all know, I had the Russian Covid-19 vaccination yesterday and can tell you there are absolutely no negative sideffski efectovski secundariosvki Кто может это прочитать Обожаю Владимира Путина!

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair — given that you are blind — that you should know five things:
The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
The bouncer is a blonde girl.
I’m a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler. Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, “No… Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

I like my women how I like my Covid...
...19 and easily spread...

Моня почистил зубы, сварил пельмени, вымыл ноги и понял, что больше эту воду использовать никак не получится...

Why isn't there a clock in the library?

Because it tocks too much.

A man has been stealing wheels off police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

My mate with a stutter was telling me about his nan.
By the end of it we were all singing hey jude.

Warning. if you get an email from someone called Ding Dong
Don't open it.
It's Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.

When I die I want my remains spread around Disneyland.
Plus, I don't want to be cremated.

To improve your chances of winning the lottery by 100% - you only need to buy a second lottery ticket.

Bullets are wierd.
They only work when they are fired.

I forget how a Guillotine works. Off the top of my head.

If you can't tie a knot, you can not.
If you can, you can knot.

Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his whopper!

Q: What did the Egg say to the boiling water?
A: It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!

Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!

Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

I had a big row with my wife last Halloween. I yelled at her, “When you finally die, I’m getting you a headstone that says, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.”

“Yeah well,” she shouted back, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that says, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.'”

The best part about Halloween is that the cobwebs in my house look like decorations.

My wife said to me yesterday, “Honey, I think we should do something really scary for the kids this Halloween.”
I said, “Well, we could always take them to your mother’s.”

Last Halloween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”

She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.

Halloween is easily the scariest night of the year, what with the dead rising from their graves…
and fat girls thinking they look sexy dressed as cats.

Если вы затащили девушку в постель, а у неё бюстгальтер и трусики из одного комплекта, то это не вы её затащили.

Juicy Proverbs
● Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops.
● Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
● Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.
● Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
● Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself.
● Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!
● Education is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.
● When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes un-wiped.
● Men play the game. Women know the score.
● Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!
● Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks
● College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
● Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.
● The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even remember her first husband.
● Here is the definition of divorce, she gets the ring and the man gets the finger!
● See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
● Confucius say man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener.
● A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that penis is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted.

A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, “Trick or treat?”

I looked at him and asked, “What have you come as?”

He said, “A werewolf.”

I said, “But you’re not wearing a costume. You’ve just got your normal clothes on.”

He said, “Yeah well, it’s not a full moon yet, is it?”

Q: Why are pumpkins better than men?
A: Every year you get a fresh crop to choose from.