Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.
I said, “Honey, it’s not what it looks like!”

A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender says, "Hey".
The horse replies, "Sure".

A grape falls off a vine and dries...
Everything happens for a raisin.

Just got back from a course about reincarnation, $600 for 3 days...a bit pricey I know, but I figured, why not, you only live once...

A bad football team is like an old bra - no cups and little support.

I’ve decided to make an elite army of babies.
I’ll call them The Infantry.

My dentist informed me today that I need a crown. Finally, someone who understands me.

I've got all the qualifications required to be a taxi driver.
I don't speak English and I can't drive.

I went up to the reception of my hotel & said, "Can you call me a taxi?"
The receptionist replied, "Sure, Mr Taxi. Is there anything else?"

I asked my taxi driver if I could leave him some tequila and fried chicken.
He said sure, so I threw up.

A man waved at me, so I waved him back but apparently he was waving at a woman behind me, so I kept my hand up and stopped a taxi that took me to the airport.
I am now in Ireland starting a new life.

I’m in a taxi and there's this guy and girl sitting next to me and all of a sudden the girl lifts up her top, pops out a titty and the guy just starts sucking on her nipples...
they didnt care who sees them and it went on for 5 minutes with lots of witness in the taxi...

the girl is about 27 years old and the guy is about 3-4 months old I think.

Woman takes a taxi. After a while she noticed that she doesn't have her wallet.

*Woman*: „Sorry, but I don't have any money, could I pay somehow else?“

Taxicab drove into dark forest, stopped there, got out of the car and spreaded blanket on ground. >
*Woman*: „No, please, I have 3 kids and a husband.“

*Taxicab*: „And I have 30 rabbits so shut up and start plucking the grass!“

Why are former Stasi agents the best taxi drivers in Berlin?
All you have to do is tell them your name. They already know where you live.

David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin airport.
He notices the driver staring at him insistently in the rearview mirror.

After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks, “Ok. At least give me a hint"

David Beckham sighs and says “I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times for England's national team. Enough?"

Driver replies: “No, you eejit! Where are we going??”

A drunk woman, stark naked, gets into a taxi in New York City.
The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman, but made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish guy slowly answered "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasnt staring at you like you tink. Dat vould not be proper."

The woman giggled and responded "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused for a moment, then told her
“Vell.... M'am, I am looking, and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in Da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”
Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was really something special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman could do everything right.”

Passenger: "Wow, what a guy!"

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife."

A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.
The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma-"

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!" The driver abruptly hit the breaks.

"Dude, wtf!" the passenger complained. The driver then apologised "Sorry, man. It's my first time on the job and I haven't adjusted from my previous job yet."

"What did you do before this?"

"I drove a hearse."

A friend had an interview for a job a local taxi company. He turned up twenty minutes late, and the chap interviewing him said “the job’s yours".

Didn’t like being a taxi driver. I was convinced people were talking behind my back.

Someone jumped in my taxi, pointed to a chap in front and shouted “Follow him”. I said, “Sure, what’s his twitter handle?”

A taxi driver sees two bags of crisps strolling along the side of the road. He stops and asks if they need a lift. One says “no thanks, we’re Walkers”.

Went to the taxi driver reunion. Everyone turned up half an hour late.

Another friend quit his job as a taxi driver. He got fed up with people telling him where to go.

My friend always went the extra mile at work. That’s why he lost his job as a taxi driver.

Why is Miss Universe always from Earth ?

What do you call a Mexican guy who lost his car? Carlos!

Gaseous clouds have been detected around planet Ur.anus.

Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.

I was like well damn.

Call me old school but I like a woman without a penis.

John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she blindfold him and takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John! How ya doin?"
Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the first nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him or someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you picked up a real bitch this time."

Titanic is a wack ass movie. Let that sink in.

Why do people say, "oh boy" instead of, "oh girl"?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because he
suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the
act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The
husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his
wife, naked as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also. The husband puts a
gun to the naked man's head
The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money."
- HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
- HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.
- HE paid for your Football season tickets.
- HE paid for our house at the lake.
- HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4.
- HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues.
- And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each
month.
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks
over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket, before he catches a
cold !!

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I," then at his knee, meaning, "need," and he moves his hand back and forth, meaning, "handsaw." The man on the first floor nods, then drops his pants and begins to masturbate. The man on the third floor freaks out and runs down to the first floor yelling, ''What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you stupid or something? I was saying that I needed a handsaw!'' The labourer looks at the carpenter and says, ''I knew that. I was just trying to tell you that I was coming.''

A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work... Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."
Tax man says"Poultry Farmer it is then."

Wives want to videotape the birth of their child, while husbands want to videotape the conception.

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together? Carpet!

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it ?

Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good n fun until u realize u r only fucking yourself.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want.
As long as you are the one with the vagina.

Shouldn’t Hurricane Marco be followed by Hurricane Polo?

If you're having sex with a pregnant chick and you feel like you're getting head at the same time, you probably should stop.

What happens when you get scared half to death twice?

Why is it "Ok" to pee in the pool, but not INTO the pool ??

Can fat people go skinny dipping?

My wife and I passed a swanky restaurant last night. “Did you smell that food? “ she asked. “Incredible!” Being the nice guy I am, I thought. “What the heck, I’ll treat her!” So we walked past again...

What’s something you couldn’t find on the Internet ?

Me: Dude, I saved a little girl from being raped today.
Friend: Whoa man! How did you do it?
Me: Self control man... Self control.

My mate said he met a Prostitute who connected a battery charger to his bollocks
I said, "Fucking hell, How much did she charge you?"

I've been gasping for a fag all day.
Which is one of the problems of being an asthmatic homosexual.

I can usually judge how attractive a woman is by how many times my wife calls her a whore.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

I just banged my head.
Took me ages to get that flexible.

My new girlfriend just found out that I'm 42. She said, "You told me that you was 28 and a half." I said, "I am if you think about it."

My wife is so ugly, when she passed out at the Christmas party...
she woke up with more clothes on.

"Can I borrow your penguin?"

"What?"

...just another day at the office with my work colleague 'Gwynn'.

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the bad news is not that bad. The bad news is that the good news is not that good.

What is the definition of Making Love?
That's what a woman is doing while the man is FUCKING her.

A recent survey has shown that 50% of all newlyweds want to try anal sex.
Or to put it another way, 100% of grooms.

My girlfriend Dumped me so I stole her wheel chair !!!!
Guess who came Crawling back!

"Shit, I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow."..
"Just cancel it. Tell them you're sick."

I was watching porn last night when my mum walked in. Not the best way to find out what she does for a living.

Kiss me if I'm wrong. But dinosaurs still exist right?

Met a dyslexic atheist today. He doesn't believe in dog.

Seeing how some people wear Masks, now I understand why Condoms fail.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the Short Skirts and Low Cut Tops.
Although, they do make me look a bit gay.

There were 2 cows in a field. One cow says ''Moo''.
The other cow replies, ''Shut the fuck up you uneducated twat''.

I heard the funniest time travel joke tomorrow.

My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you." I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

Roses are red, And sometimes thorny, When I think of you, It makes me horny.

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

I've just won 8 straight games of Paper, Scissors, Rock, against that predictable cunt Edward Scissorhands.

My Wife: My gynaecologist says I can't have sex for a month.
Me: Well, what did your proctologist say?

Hey female grammar Nazis, question: Would you rather miss a period on twitter, or in real life?

Me: Boss, I can't come in tomorrow cause I have "Anal Blindness".
Boss: WTF is this? Me: It's when I can't see my ass coming to work!

I love cooking children and dogs...but I hate using commas.

I met Eminem once, he was pretty awkward; His palms were sweaty, knees weak, arms were heavy, vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti.