Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Q: What’s the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York who’s running for president?
A: Bony Sanders.

What kinda key opens a banana?
A monkey 😹

- Как вы воспитали такого умного хорошего мальчика?
Мама:
- Ложь, угрозы, шантаж.

"dad why are you standing outside?"
"So if anyone asks, I'm outstanding."

A well rounded student in our geometry class tried to draw a cube, but kept having a mental block. Her lines looked like a wrecked angle.

I’m not saying my son is ugly…But on Halloween he went to tell the neighbors to turn down their TV and they gave him some candy.

Q: Why do we carve pumpkins at Halloween?
A: Because they have less blood and aren’t as messy as animals.

Q: What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
A: They gave him the cold shoulder.

Q: What health insurance do Halloween creatures use?
A: Medi-scare.

Q: What do you call an annoying pumpkin who does stupid stuff?
A: A jack-ass-o-lantern.

- What does a zombie get when it bites a ghost?
- A mouth full of sheet!

- How do you unlock a door on Halloween?
- With a spoo-key!

- Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
- Because they just had their brains scooped out!

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive on Valentines Day by 90 percent.... Wedding cake.

I've got my own private jet. But the rest of the jacuzzi is all yours.

- What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?
- To remind single people they are single.

- What do you call a very small valentine?
- A valentiny!

- What is another way of saying Happy Valentines day!
- S.A.D, Singles Awareness Day!

- Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
- Sure, they're very scent-imental !

- What is the difference between a calendar and you?
- A calendar has a date on Valentine's day.

- What do single people call Valentine's Day?
- Happy Independance Day.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you!

- What did the valentines day card say to the stamp?
- Stick with me and you'll go places.

Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Boy: "Really?"
Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

- "What did one blueberry say to the other on Valentine's Day?"
- "I love you berry much."

- "What do you call a Valentine's Day gift that didn't arrive time?"
- "Choco-late."

- "What do farmers give for Valentine’s Day?"
- "Lots of hogs and kisses."

- "What did the ghost say to his valentine?"
- "You look so BOOtiful."

- "What do you call a very small Valentine?"
- "A valen-tiny."

- "How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?"
- "He gave her a ring!"

"I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture. But when I got home the tables were turned."

- "How can you tell when a squirrel is in love?"
- "It goes nuts!"

- "What do you call two birds in love?"
- "Tweethearts!"

"Why did the sheriff lock up their valentine?" "She stole their heart."

"Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards?" "His heart wasn’t in it."

"What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?" "I’m stuck on you!"

"What do you write in a slug's Valentine's Day card?" "Be my Valen-slime!"

One grasshopper told another about eating corn. It went in one ear and out the other.

wo young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................

A Fisherman's wealth is determined by his net worth.

What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
Me : A Carpet.

- Ребенок не хочет есть мясо, чем его заменить?
- Собакой. Собака всегда хочет есть мясо.

Fact:
Prison inmates do more to stop pedophilia than our own government.

When you excel they spreadsheet about u.

Any salad can be a Cesar Salad...if you stab it enough times....

I got sacked from my job in a Salvation Army kitchen,
All I said was, Hurry up you lot,
Some of us have got homes to go to.

I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it’s Private.

I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

An ice cream van exploded down the road this morning. When I got there the area was already coned off.

Psychiatrists tell us that talking helps solve our problems - it often causes them too.

For years I was against Organ Transplant.
Then I had a change of Heart.

Why is it called a restroom when no one actually goes and rests there?

What is a bedroom with no bed in it called?

Are there crash courses available for pilots ?

How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn’t it be leaving a dump?

Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?

Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn’t it be called an inlet ?

Why are Softballs hard ?

Are part time band leaders called semi-conductors?

Why is it called a “drive through” if you have to stop?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

Why is an alarm clock going “off” when it actually turns on?

Nike has come out with a bra that aids virgin boys.
Just Undo It.

I sold all my Nike stock this afternoon.
It was a good run.

Quit my job at nike today. Just couldn't do it anymore.

- What does the KKK and Nike's shoes have in common?
- They both make black people run faster.

- What did the chewing gum say to the adidas sneaker?
- I'm stuck on you!

- What shoes do secret agents wear?
- Adidas Sneakers.

- Why did Levi Strauss suffer from chronic diarrhea?
- It runs in his jeans.

What do you call a one-legged woman wearing Levi's?
Jean.

Did you know the founder of Levi's supported eugenics?
Yeah, he wanted everyone to have superior jeans.

I just bought some Coca Cola stocks.
It's nice to have some liquid assets.

Please stop making new flavors of coca cola.
Either you put the cocaine back or leave it alone.

I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being.
When everyone asks if Pepsi is okay.

I like my co-workers the same way I like Coca Cola.
I don't like Coca Cola.

- What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common?
- They both contain high amounts of trans fats.