Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Warning. if you get an email from someone called Ding Dong
Don't open it.
It's Jehovah's Witnesses working from home.

When I die I want my remains spread around Disneyland.
Plus, I don't want to be cremated.

To improve your chances of winning the lottery by 100% - you only need to buy a second lottery ticket.

Bullets are wierd.
They only work when they are fired.

I forget how a Guillotine works. Off the top of my head.

If you can't tie a knot, you can not.
If you can, you can knot.

Q: How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his whopper!

Q: What did the Egg say to the boiling water?
A: It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!

Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato?
A: Lettuce get together!

Q: Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
A: Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.

Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween.
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their door.

I had a big row with my wife last Halloween. I yelled at her, “When you finally die, I’m getting you a headstone that says, ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.”

“Yeah well,” she shouted back, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that says, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.'”

The best part about Halloween is that the cobwebs in my house look like decorations.

My wife said to me yesterday, “Honey, I think we should do something really scary for the kids this Halloween.”
I said, “Well, we could always take them to your mother’s.”

Last Halloween there was a knock on the door. I looked out of the window and then shouted upstairs to my wife, “Honey there’s a witch at the door. What shall I do?”

She shouted back, “Just give her some candy and tell her to get lost.”
My mother-in-law hasn’t spoken to me since.

Halloween is easily the scariest night of the year, what with the dead rising from their graves…
and fat girls thinking they look sexy dressed as cats.

Если вы затащили девушку в постель, а у неё бюстгальтер и трусики из одного комплекта, то это не вы её затащили.

Juicy Proverbs
● Never dance naked because the body has parts that do not stop moving when the music stops.
● Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.
● Friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.
● Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
● Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only fucking yourself.
● Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of the society; but always remember who laid them!
● Education is like hiring a prostitute, it needs both money & hard work.
● When the toilet paper of experience is depleted, the ass of reason goes un-wiped.
● Men play the game. Women know the score.
● Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does!
● Guys are like roses, just watch out for the pricks
● College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
● Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.
● The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even remember her first husband.
● Here is the definition of divorce, she gets the ring and the man gets the finger!
● See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
● Confucius say man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener.
● A botany student has brought to our attention the fact that penis is the only thing that has to be grown before it is planted.

A young boy knocked on my door on Halloween night and said, “Trick or treat?”

I looked at him and asked, “What have you come as?”

He said, “A werewolf.”

I said, “But you’re not wearing a costume. You’ve just got your normal clothes on.”

He said, “Yeah well, it’s not a full moon yet, is it?”

Q: Why are pumpkins better than men?
A: Every year you get a fresh crop to choose from.

Q: What’s the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York who’s running for president?
A: Bony Sanders.

What kinda key opens a banana?
A monkey 😹

- Как вы воспитали такого умного хорошего мальчика?
Мама:
- Ложь, угрозы, шантаж.

"dad why are you standing outside?"
"So if anyone asks, I'm outstanding."

A well rounded student in our geometry class tried to draw a cube, but kept having a mental block. Her lines looked like a wrecked angle.

I’m not saying my son is ugly…But on Halloween he went to tell the neighbors to turn down their TV and they gave him some candy.

Q: Why do we carve pumpkins at Halloween?
A: Because they have less blood and aren’t as messy as animals.

Q: What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
A: They gave him the cold shoulder.

Q: What health insurance do Halloween creatures use?
A: Medi-scare.

Q: What do you call an annoying pumpkin who does stupid stuff?
A: A jack-ass-o-lantern.

- What does a zombie get when it bites a ghost?
- A mouth full of sheet!

- How do you unlock a door on Halloween?
- With a spoo-key!

- Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
- Because they just had their brains scooped out!

Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's sex drive on Valentines Day by 90 percent.... Wedding cake.

I've got my own private jet. But the rest of the jacuzzi is all yours.

- What is the true purpose of Valentine's Day?
- To remind single people they are single.

- What do you call a very small valentine?
- A valentiny!

- What is another way of saying Happy Valentines day!
- S.A.D, Singles Awareness Day!

- Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
- Sure, they're very scent-imental !

- What is the difference between a calendar and you?
- A calendar has a date on Valentine's day.

- What do single people call Valentine's Day?
- Happy Independance Day.

Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentines Day, the side chick is you!

- What did the valentines day card say to the stamp?
- Stick with me and you'll go places.

Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Boy: "Really?"
Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"

- "What did one blueberry say to the other on Valentine's Day?"
- "I love you berry much."

- "What do you call a Valentine's Day gift that didn't arrive time?"
- "Choco-late."

- "What do farmers give for Valentine’s Day?"
- "Lots of hogs and kisses."

- "What did the ghost say to his valentine?"
- "You look so BOOtiful."

- "What do you call a very small Valentine?"
- "A valen-tiny."

- "How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?"
- "He gave her a ring!"

"I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture. But when I got home the tables were turned."

- "How can you tell when a squirrel is in love?"
- "It goes nuts!"

- "What do you call two birds in love?"
- "Tweethearts!"

"Why did the sheriff lock up their valentine?" "She stole their heart."

"Why didn’t the skeleton want to send any Valentine’s Day cards?" "His heart wasn’t in it."

"What did the stamp say to the envelope on Valentine’s Day?" "I’m stuck on you!"

"What do you write in a slug's Valentine's Day card?" "Be my Valen-slime!"

One grasshopper told another about eating corn. It went in one ear and out the other.

wo young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.
The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison..................

A Fisherman's wealth is determined by his net worth.

What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
Me : A Carpet.

- Ребенок не хочет есть мясо, чем его заменить?
- Собакой. Собака всегда хочет есть мясо.

Fact:
Prison inmates do more to stop pedophilia than our own government.

When you excel they spreadsheet about u.

Any salad can be a Cesar Salad...if you stab it enough times....

I got sacked from my job in a Salvation Army kitchen,
All I said was, Hurry up you lot,
Some of us have got homes to go to.

I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it’s Private.

I'm sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.

An ice cream van exploded down the road this morning. When I got there the area was already coned off.

Psychiatrists tell us that talking helps solve our problems - it often causes them too.

For years I was against Organ Transplant.
Then I had a change of Heart.

Why is it called a restroom when no one actually goes and rests there?

What is a bedroom with no bed in it called?

Are there crash courses available for pilots ?

How come you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

Why do they call it taking a dump? Shouldn’t it be leaving a dump?

Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn’t work anymore?

Why is an electrical outlet called an outlet when you plug things into it? Shouldn’t it be called an inlet ?