Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why are Softballs hard ?

Are part time band leaders called semi-conductors?

Why is it called a “drive through” if you have to stop?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

Why is an alarm clock going “off” when it actually turns on?

Nike has come out with a bra that aids virgin boys.
Just Undo It.

I sold all my Nike stock this afternoon.
It was a good run.

Quit my job at nike today. Just couldn't do it anymore.

- What does the KKK and Nike's shoes have in common?
- They both make black people run faster.

- What did the chewing gum say to the adidas sneaker?
- I'm stuck on you!

- What shoes do secret agents wear?
- Adidas Sneakers.

- Why did Levi Strauss suffer from chronic diarrhea?
- It runs in his jeans.

What do you call a one-legged woman wearing Levi's?
Jean.

Did you know the founder of Levi's supported eugenics?
Yeah, he wanted everyone to have superior jeans.

I just bought some Coca Cola stocks.
It's nice to have some liquid assets.

Please stop making new flavors of coca cola.
Either you put the cocaine back or leave it alone.

I feel bad that nobody’s checking up on Coca Cola’s well-being.
When everyone asks if Pepsi is okay.

I like my co-workers the same way I like Coca Cola.
I don't like Coca Cola.

- What does Tumblr and KFC's chicken have in common?
- They both contain high amounts of trans fats.

- Why did the chicken go to KFC.
- He wanted to see the chicken strip.

- Why does KFC not have toilet paper?
- It's finger licking good.

- What’s something that often comes in a McDonald’s happy meal?
- Me. It’s me.

- What do you call someone who steals from McDonalds?
- A Hamburglar.

Man: "Is your body from McDonald's?"
Woman: "Why, because your loving it?"
Man: “No, because its fat and greasy.”

I quit my job at McDonald’s today...
Boss was a clown.

I want to start a company that makes both coffins and condoms
The slogan would be:" We've got you covered whether you cuming or going"

What should be the slogan of World Health Organization?
WHO cares!

Reporter: Good day, I'm John Smith from the Coca-Cola company. Mr president I have a question. You've been trying to get the old times back, and bringing the good old communism back.

Putin: Communism bring back russia, yes

Reporter:Why don't you also bring the old red flag back? And maybe we will close a 5 billion dollar deal if you put our logo very tiny in a little corner...

Putin: Hmm, I have discuss this

*Putin whispers to his Prime Minister*: Psst, Medvedev, when ends the Aquafresh contract?

I’ve been watching so much porn lately, I think I broke my computer.
Instead of a Windows logo it just shows #metoo.

I gave my Japanese friend a Lacoste top as a gift.
He smiled and said 'Arigato'
I'm fairly certain their logo a crocodile...

- You know what's cool about owning a Chevy ?
- Well, the logo is a big plus.

- Why did the man get the windows logo printed onto all his underwear ?
- Because he thought it would make them software.

Well done to McDonald's for marking International Women's Day by turning their logo upside down...
It looks just like a big dangly pair of tits...

My art teacher says that i am obsessed with The Rolling Stones and told me to stop painting their logo in her class.
So i Paint It Black.

I just heard that Budweiser is suing Stella Artois for casting Sarah Jessica Parker in their Super Bowl LIII ad.
Apparently they have a trademark on beer advertisements starring a horse.

I'm planning on opening an art boutique.
I'll sell paintings of jesus smoking weed.
It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

- What do you get when experiencing rapid decompression in a German luxury automobile?
- Mercedes-Bends.

- What’s the difference between a luxury SUV a rich South African?
- One is a Land Rover, the other is a rand lover.

- What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in artificial intelligence?
- Alexus.

- What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
- The ambulance.

When a DJ dies, does he/she DK ?

When great musicians and composers die, do they... Decompose??

How do you make a vegan go back to eating meat?
Remove their vocal cords and ban them from social media.

My boss fired me for being on Twitter at work
I don't think he understands how a social media manager works...

Back in the 1980s, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee.
I'm telling you this now because there was no social media back then.

The clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings.
But it's still not as sensitive as a vegan on social media.

What would you call a social media marketing genius?
Masterbaiter.

Do you remember how before social media nobody cared what, where and with whom you ate?
Still nobody cares.

Social media is like waking up in a mental asylum.
You have no idea you're committed until you try to leave.

Me: Doctor, you've gotta help me! I'm addicted to Social Media.
Doctor: I don't follow you.

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar.
You won't believe what happens next.

Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever.
I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.

You gotta be careful on social media these days.
I mean, just today I accepted a friend request from Xerox. Turns out it was a scan.

What do you call a reptile that starts fights over social media?
An InstaGator.

How can you spot the losers in a social media War?
They're the ones yelling, "Retweet! Retweet!!"

What do social media Influencers and perverts have in common?
They both think people want their exposure.

I'm not sure where all the racists are going to go when social media platforms kick them off.
They can't all go to Congress.

At first, I thought my idea for a social media platform had failed
But then I made a 4chan.

I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens.
Not as a full time job just a way to make hens meet.

Have you heard about the social media stars who are coughing and sick?
They're Instagram Influenzas.

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.
Isntagram.

- What do you call an anti-vaxxer who’s big in social media?
- An influenzar.

When facebook bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...
lactose intolerance.

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.
It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

- What do you call an English teacher with a social media addiction?
- Instagrammar.

Being on social media is like having sex.
It's fun until you know your parents do it too.

Going on social media these days is like going to church, after 5mins, I feel guilty af.

- What is Mr Frog's favourite social media platform?
- Reddit reddit. Reddit

How much money does a skunk have? One scent!

What’s the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives? Win the lottery.

What do you call it when you lend money to a bison? Buff-a-loan!

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

Where do penguins keep their money? In snowbanks.

How can you get rich by eating? Eat fortune cookies.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

I remember being in so much debt that I couldn't afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time.

College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

I am currently boycotting the companies that sell items I can't afford.