Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

How can you be sure you have counterfeit money? If it’s a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

- What's the best part about Valentine's Day?
- The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

The stock market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.

- If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone's favorite season?
- Fall.

Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.

One day a man went to an auction. When an exotic parrot went on the auction block, the man decided he was going to buy it, no matter what. He wanted the bird so badly, he didn’t think twice about the anonymous bidder who was outbidding him–he just kept bidding, and getting outbid, and bidding higher and higher until he finally won the bird at a price that anyone would call a rip-off. Despite his disappointment about the price, the beautiful bird was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid so much for it, only to discover that he can’t speak!”

“Oh, don’t you worry,” said the Auctioneer. “He’s a talker. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

A man who needs legal help goes to a lawyer’s office. After being escorted inside, he sits across the desk from the lawyer. The man needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.

“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”

“Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?”

“Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”

Little Johnny is always teased by the other boys at school for being stupid. Whenever they make fun of Johnny, the other boys will offer him a nickel or a dime, and Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes a nickel, Johnny’s friend, Billy, pulls him aside and asks, “Johnny, don’t you know by now that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel is bigger?” A smile slowly comes over Johnny’s face. “Well,” he says, “they’d stop doing it if I took the dime, and so far I’ve made 20 bucks!”

After years of putting money into a savings account, a wife tells her stay-at-home husband the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” Her husband blushes with giddy excitement. “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” he asks. “No,” says the wife, “a 1979 Cadillac.”

The boy that used to bully me at school is still taking my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Money isn’t everything, but it definitely keeps you in touch with your children.

- What type of investment do Wall Street traders call a “007?”
- A bond.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash!

If marriage is grand, then what is divorce? Ten grand!

I saw a homeless guy on the street with a sign that said, “One day, this could be you.” I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he’s right.

I won 3 million dollars in the lottery this weekend, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children,” and I said, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

My wife’s credit card got stolen the other day. I haven’t bothered reporting it, though, because the thief spends much less than my wife.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.

Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it!

Why did the little boy eat his cash? Because it was his dinner money!

It’s true that money can’t buy you true love. It does, however, put you in a good position to bargain.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset.. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell
you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the
last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I
made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I
threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans
that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they
not the "in" name this year.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for
my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Why did Beethoven kill all his chickens?
While out feeding them he asked "Who is your favorite composer?"
All the chickens responded "Bach, Bach, Bach."

On wife's birthday , man ordered a cake on the phone.
Salesman: What message to put on the cake?
Man: Write "Getting older but You are getting better."
Salesman: How you want that to be written?
Man: Well.. put *"You are getting older"* at the top and *"but You are getting better"* at the bottom.
When the cake was opened all guests died laughing at the message ...
It read: *"You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!"*..

I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it’s Private.

Two cows in a paddock first cow goes moo, the second cow says shit that's what i was going to say.

"The Path of Increase is slow but the Road to ruin is Swift" Lucius Seneca.

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN, you'll get them VERY ANGRY.

I will teach you how to scuba dive, with a 100% guarantee. If you’re expecting a refund, don’t hold your breath!

I went to get some camouflage trousers yesterday - couldn't find any.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
Ans: A Maybe.

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."

"That's a truly afwul behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church."

The boys did what they were told and went to the San Lorenzo fuori Muri on Piazza San Lorenzo. After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they also knew where the man worked.

I went to a pub yesterday and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi
He said "No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot. Now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see. Therefore, no wifi in this pub."
"You know what?" I replied, "You're right" and I put my phone away.
"Thank you", the landlord said "In this pub I want you to act as you would twenty years ago".
So I lit a cigarette, gave him 50p for the pint and said "Two can play at that game mate."

The worst hotel I ever stayed at was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.

If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.

What does a bull do with a bow and arrow ?

He is trying to hit the humans eye.

I'm leaving my body to science when l die that's why I'm preserving it in alcohol.

I was asked to describe myself in just five words.
I said "lazy"

- What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar ?
- A Flamethrower!!!

The longer the haircut, the shorter the haircut.

English be confusing sometimes.
"The dove dove into the nest"
"That can can hold two litres of water"

I'm a leader, not a follower.
Unless its a dark place then fuck that shit - you're going first 😆

Where's the best place to find out about Spiderman?
-"On the web".

- Why do blondes hold their hands tightly over their ears?
- Because they’re desperately trying to hold in a thought.

- Why’d the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
- She kept throwing out all the W’s.

- Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
- She was desperately trying to make up her mind.

- How do you confuse a blonde?
- You don’t. They’re born that way.

- What do blondes and dog shit have in common?
- The older they get, the easier it is to pick them up.

- Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears?
- To avoid getting hearing AIDS.

- What’s the difference between a pregnant blonde and a lightbulb?
- You can unscrew a lightbulb.

- Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?
- Someone told her drinks were on the house.

- What do screen doors and blondes have in common?
- The more you bang them, the looser they get.

- How do you confuse a blonde?
- Put her in a circle and tell her to sit in the corner.

Three blondes walk into a building.
You’d think at least one of them would’ve seen it.

- Why don’t blondes talk during sex?
- Their moms taught them never to speak to strangers.

- Why did the blonde put her iPad in the blender?
- She was trying to make apple juice.

- Why do blondes stare at orange juice containers for hours on end?
- Because they say “concentrate.”

- What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
- “I wonder if it’s mine.”

- Why do blondes love boob jobs?
- It’s really the only job they’re qualified for.

- What did the blonde say after glimpsing a box of Cheerios?
- “OMG! Donut seeds!”

- Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
- Because the box said it was for “2 to 4 years.”

- How do you keep a blonde busy?
- Write “flip” on both sides of a sheet of paper.

- Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
- So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills.

— Здрасьте. Дайте таблетку...
— Какую?
— Белую...
— Вы что не понимаете, это аптека, у нас тысячи белых таблеток!
— Мне одну дайте...

My friend just won the Tallest Christmas Tree competition.
I thought to myself, “How can you top that?”

What could you call an elf who has just won the lottery?
Welfy.

The only Christmas present that I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.

- Why did Mrs. Claus insist Santa take an umbrella?
- “Because of the rain, dear.”

- Who is Santa’s favourite actor?
- Willem Dafoe-ho-ho.

- Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
- The North Pool.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

- What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him?
- The cold shoulder.

- What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
- Claustrophobic.

- What do you call an old snowman?
- Water.

The Christmas jumper my kids gave me last year kept picking up static electricity.
I took it back and exchanged it for another one – free of charge.

- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
- Frostbite.

- What does Santa do when his elves misbehave?
- He gives them the sack.