Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I'm planning on opening an art boutique.
I'll sell paintings of jesus smoking weed.
It'll be a high prophet enterprise.

- What do you get when experiencing rapid decompression in a German luxury automobile?
- Mercedes-Bends.

- What’s the difference between a luxury SUV a rich South African?
- One is a Land Rover, the other is a rand lover.

- What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in artificial intelligence?
- Alexus.

- What do you call when you mix brandy, shitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?
- The ambulance.

When a DJ dies, does he/she DK ?

When great musicians and composers die, do they... Decompose??

How do you make a vegan go back to eating meat?
Remove their vocal cords and ban them from social media.

My boss fired me for being on Twitter at work
I don't think he understands how a social media manager works...

Back in the 1980s, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee.
I'm telling you this now because there was no social media back then.

The clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings.
But it's still not as sensitive as a vegan on social media.

What would you call a social media marketing genius?
Masterbaiter.

Do you remember how before social media nobody cared what, where and with whom you ate?
Still nobody cares.

Social media is like waking up in a mental asylum.
You have no idea you're committed until you try to leave.

Me: Doctor, you've gotta help me! I'm addicted to Social Media.
Doctor: I don't follow you.

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar.
You won't believe what happens next.

Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever.
I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.

You gotta be careful on social media these days.
I mean, just today I accepted a friend request from Xerox. Turns out it was a scan.

What do you call a reptile that starts fights over social media?
An InstaGator.

How can you spot the losers in a social media War?
They're the ones yelling, "Retweet! Retweet!!"

What do social media Influencers and perverts have in common?
They both think people want their exposure.

I'm not sure where all the racists are going to go when social media platforms kick them off.
They can't all go to Congress.

At first, I thought my idea for a social media platform had failed
But then I made a 4chan.

I’m thinking of starting a social media network for chickens.
Not as a full time job just a way to make hens meet.

Have you heard about the social media stars who are coughing and sick?
They're Instagram Influenzas.

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.
Isntagram.

- What do you call an anti-vaxxer who’s big in social media?
- An influenzar.

When facebook bans female boobs, but not men's, it shows a real intolerance...
lactose intolerance.

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.
It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

- What do you call an English teacher with a social media addiction?
- Instagrammar.

Being on social media is like having sex.
It's fun until you know your parents do it too.

Going on social media these days is like going to church, after 5mins, I feel guilty af.

- What is Mr Frog's favourite social media platform?
- Reddit reddit. Reddit

How much money does a skunk have? One scent!

What’s the best way to get in touch with your long-lost relatives? Win the lottery.

What do you call it when you lend money to a bison? Buff-a-loan!

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

Where do penguins keep their money? In snowbanks.

How can you get rich by eating? Eat fortune cookies.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

I remember being in so much debt that I couldn't afford my electricity bills, it was a dark time.

College is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they'll send your kid back.

I am currently boycotting the companies that sell items I can't afford.

Living on earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.

How can you be sure you have counterfeit money? If it’s a three-dollar bill, you can be sure.

You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.

- What's the best part about Valentine's Day?
- The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

The stock market is weird. Every time one guy sells, another one buys, and they both think they're smart.

- If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone's favorite season?
- Fall.

Where do frogs deposit their money? In a river bank.

One day a man went to an auction. When an exotic parrot went on the auction block, the man decided he was going to buy it, no matter what. He wanted the bird so badly, he didn’t think twice about the anonymous bidder who was outbidding him–he just kept bidding, and getting outbid, and bidding higher and higher until he finally won the bird at a price that anyone would call a rip-off. Despite his disappointment about the price, the beautiful bird was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, “I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid so much for it, only to discover that he can’t speak!”

“Oh, don’t you worry,” said the Auctioneer. “He’s a talker. Who do you think kept bidding against you?”

A man who needs legal help goes to a lawyer’s office. After being escorted inside, he sits across the desk from the lawyer. The man needs legal help, but he wants to make sure he can afford it first. “Can you tell me how much you charge?” he asks.

“Of course,” the lawyer replies, “I charge $800 to answer three questions.”

“Don’t you think that’s an awful lot of money to answer three questions?”

“Yes it is”, answers the lawyer, “What’s your third question?”

Little Johnny is always teased by the other boys at school for being stupid. Whenever they make fun of Johnny, the other boys will offer him a nickel or a dime, and Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes a nickel, Johnny’s friend, Billy, pulls him aside and asks, “Johnny, don’t you know by now that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel is bigger?” A smile slowly comes over Johnny’s face. “Well,” he says, “they’d stop doing it if I took the dime, and so far I’ve made 20 bucks!”

After years of putting money into a savings account, a wife tells her stay-at-home husband the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” Her husband blushes with giddy excitement. “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” he asks. “No,” says the wife, “a 1979 Cadillac.”

The boy that used to bully me at school is still taking my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.

Money isn’t everything, but it definitely keeps you in touch with your children.

- What type of investment do Wall Street traders call a “007?”
- A bond.

Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash!

If marriage is grand, then what is divorce? Ten grand!

I saw a homeless guy on the street with a sign that said, “One day, this could be you.” I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he’s right.

I won 3 million dollars in the lottery this weekend, so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity. Now I have $2,999,999.75.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children,” and I said, “That sounds like a fair trade.”

My wife’s credit card got stolen the other day. I haven’t bothered reporting it, though, because the thief spends much less than my wife.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. They’ll never expect it back.

Why is money called dough? Because we all knead it!

Why did the little boy eat his cash? Because it was his dinner money!

It’s true that money can’t buy you true love. It does, however, put you in a good position to bargain.

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making
love to a very attractive young woman.
And she was somewhat upset.. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.
'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, so at least I can tell
you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the
last words you'll say to me!'
And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down
and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the
car.
I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She
told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.
So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I
made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid
you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments..
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she
was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I
threw them away.
Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the expensive designer jeans
that you bought a couple years back, but don't wear because you say they
not the "in" name this year.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which
you don't wear because I don't have good taste.
I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't
wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the
expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the
same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for
my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned
to me with tears in her eyes and said,
'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Why did Beethoven kill all his chickens?
While out feeding them he asked "Who is your favorite composer?"
All the chickens responded "Bach, Bach, Bach."

On wife's birthday , man ordered a cake on the phone.
Salesman: What message to put on the cake?
Man: Write "Getting older but You are getting better."
Salesman: How you want that to be written?
Man: Well.. put *"You are getting older"* at the top and *"but You are getting better"* at the bottom.
When the cake was opened all guests died laughing at the message ...
It read: *"You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom!"*..

I really want to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but everyone keeps telling me it’s Private.

Two cows in a paddock first cow goes moo, the second cow says shit that's what i was going to say.

"The Path of Increase is slow but the Road to ruin is Swift" Lucius Seneca.

If you rearrange the letters of MAILMEN, you'll get them VERY ANGRY.

I will teach you how to scuba dive, with a 100% guarantee. If you’re expecting a refund, don’t hold your breath!

I went to get some camouflage trousers yesterday - couldn't find any.

What do you call a bee that can't make up its mind?
Ans: A Maybe.

One day, two young brothers in Rome, aged 12 and 14, came home with a 20 and 50 euro note. Their mother asked them where they got all that money from.

"Well, we were standing outside the brothel when a guy left," said the 12-year-old. "We told him that we knew where he had been, so he asked us not to reveal anything and gave us 20 euros."

"Then we followed the man," said the other boy, "and when he came to his house we told him that now we also knew where he lived. Then he gave us another 50 euros and begged us to keep quiet."

"That's a truly afwul behaviour," the mother replied. "You really should be ashamed of yourselves and feel sorry for the man. Off you go to confession in the church."

The boys did what they were told and went to the San Lorenzo fuori Muri on Piazza San Lorenzo. After a while they came back with 100 euros because now they also knew where the man worked.

I went to a pub yesterday and ordered a pint. As the landlord put my drink down, I asked him for the wifi
He said "No wifi in here, people used to sit talking in pubs, about their day, their families, work, politics, music, the lot. Now people just stare at their phones and it breaks my heart to see. Therefore, no wifi in this pub."
"You know what?" I replied, "You're right" and I put my phone away.
"Thank you", the landlord said "In this pub I want you to act as you would twenty years ago".
So I lit a cigarette, gave him 50p for the pint and said "Two can play at that game mate."