Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I got a Christmas card full of rice in the post today.
I think it was from my Uncle Ben.

- Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
- They’re always dropping their needles.

- I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.
- It’s a gift.

- What is one of the best Christmas presents that you can give and receive?
- A broken drum.
- Why?
- Because you can’t beat it!

- Why are mummies such big fans of Christmas?
- Because they enjoy wrapping.

- Why was the snowman embarrassed when he was spotted rummaging through a bag of carrots?
- He was caught picking his nose.

- How did the bauble know that she was addicted to Christmas?
- She’d been hooked on Christmas trees all her life.

A gingerbread man went to the doctor’s complaining of a sore knee.
“A sore knee?” the doctor said. “Have you tried icing it?”

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
“Get out of my face.”

- How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
- Nothing – it was on the house.

How can I trust a woman named Natasha if her name spells backwards "Ah, satan" ?

I’m happy to say God finally answered my prayers for winning the $70 million dollar lottery. The answer was no.

I have just applied for a job in the Citroen factory. Tougher than I expected really....... 🤔.. I had to send in 2CVs.. 😜

Saw an old lady at lunchtime with a broomstick and a pointy hat stood on the beach. Think it was a ‘sandwitch!’

It is rare to hear a well done steak joke.

I hope I never lose my hearing...
It would be ear replaceable.

We were so poor growing up, we had pillow case fights.....

I do not care for Barbie. She sets unrealistic expectations about women. In my experience, no woman's head can be reattached that easily.

Q: Who is every insect's favorite bass player?
A: FLEA!!!!!

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

1F YOU C4N R34D 7H15 7H3N CON6447U1471ON YOU H4V3 D3PR35510N.

Every time you go to court your in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury service.

I don't tell Dad jokes, but when I do, he likes them.

Beeswax is so expensive because they've only got little ears.

Tried a new item on the menu, Pelican burger.
It was lovely, but the bill was enormous.

— Как там ваша красотуля - доченька? Всё еще не замужем?
— Азохен вей! Пробуют, хвалят, но не берут.

One day when the professor walked into her classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time she was very irritated , as it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Coffee has a rough time in our house.
It gets mugged every single morning.

Never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science.

Has any one tried blindfolded Archery ? If you haven’t you don’t know what your missing!

— Пошли гулять?
— Нет, у меня всё болит.
— После чего?
— После 30.

What did the cake say to the knife?
You want a piece of me?

It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.

Why is there Braille on the number pads on drive-through bank machines?

— Доктор, у меня — слабость и насморк.
— Значит, вы — слабак и сопляк.

- What makes a bull sweat?
- A tight jersey.

- Why is Santa always grouchy?
- He only cums once a year!

- Why did the rooster go into KFC?
- He wanted to see a chicken strip.

Why do people say "Tuna Fish" when they don't say "Beef Mammal" or "Chicken Bird"?

Having sex with an uneducated girl, using a condom, is okay until you overhear her sharing the experience with her friend saying, "His penis is brand new, the plastic cover is still on it."

What did the horse say when it fell?
I've fallen and I can't giddyup!

По Горсаду быстро идёт молодой человек в очках, с книгами подмышкой весь в науке. Останавливает старого одессита:
— Вы не подскажете, как быстрее добраться до научной библиотеки им. Горького?
— Молодой человек, делом займитесь, ДЕЛОМ..!

I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was really raking it in.

I found a book titled "How to Solve 50% of Your Problems", so I bought two copies.

Bloke goes into drug store and asks, "Do you sell KY Jelly?"
Girl says, "No, have you tried Boots?"
Bloke says, "Boots? I want to slide in, not fuckin march in!"....

I broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years because I found out she was a communist.
I should have known, there were red flags everywhere.

All those holes in your pants. We got to get you out of them!

I love every bone in your body aspesialy mine...🥰

Do you have a map? Because I've been lost in your eyes all day...😊

Let's play house you can be the front door and I'll slam you all night...😋

Is that a mirror in your pocket? Because I can see myself in your pants...😂

I got a million dollars we need to spend...😎

- Ахаха, прости, смешинка в рот попала.
- Дорогая, хватит его так называть!

What did the salt say to the pepper?
What’s Shakin’?

Got my DNA test back today. Apparently I'm cock Asian. Not sure if that's the right spelling tho.

I recently got a job as a stripper. You could say my career is taking off.

What do you get from old cows?
Wrinkle cream!!!

— Ты не помнишь, слово "суки" пишется с двумя "с" или с одной?
— Не знаю, я всегда пишу "Уважаемые коллеги".

Татарские женщины своему мужику делают plowjob.

- Купи мне киндерсюрприз.
- Тебе 27.
- Нет, одного хватит.

Just been arrested for stealing hay.
Luckily I made bale.

There are no truths, only perspectives.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.

Want to know why nurses like red crayons?
Sometimes they have to draw blood.

A policeman knocked on my door last night and said 'where were you between 4 and 6?', 'at primary school' I said.

I have no idea what to buy at the supermarket.
I feel listless.

I wrote a song with a pun in it. I hope you enjoy it.
"You are right where I left you"

My wife said picking my nose was gross. Great, now I'll have to do it myself.

Never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.

Undertakers are the best friends, because they are always the last to LET YOU DOWN.

Wife: You're too childish !! I am sorry but I am leaving!!
Husband: Good luck, the floor is lava!

Most people have 32 teeth. Some have 10.
It's simple meth.

Somebody stole the bus stop sign from my street last night. Honestly where do these people get off?

If you pronounce vase "voz" I'll punch you in the foz.

Did you know vegetarians on average live 8 years longer then meat eaters. That's 8 long boring baconless years.

So i wrote a joke about Elton John…
It’s a little bit funny.

Finally, I fixed 2 bugs out of 5, 7 more to go.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

I used to suffer from soap addiction but I am clean now.

Shout out to whoever invented shredded cheese.
That was a grate idea.