Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife said that I was too impulsive and that I should think twice before doing anything.
At first I agreed with her, but now, on second thoughts...

My book about impulsive decision making didn't go according to plan.

- What kind of music do chiropractor’s like?
- Hip pop.

What were barn owls called before barns were invented...?

I've just written a book called 'My Permanently Exposed Penis'. It's out now.

Relative humidity: the sweat that rolls down your sisters back as you are doing her.

- What did the slat say to the plank?
- I’m a little board.

What's the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a shift of whit!

The Lego's were upset because they were not invited to the block party.

An Australian kiss – the same as a French kiss, but down under.

- What do you call a bedpan in Russia?
- A Poo-tin.

A man with a stutter died in prison... before he could finish his sentence.

We went to the owls convention and it was a real hoot.

— Никогда не работай ради денег, найди то, что ты любишь.
— Но я люблю деньги.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow?
A: When he woke up, his pillow was gone.

Q: Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.

Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?
A. They make it rain!

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log in.

Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: "You're too young to smoke."

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: "Breathe, stupid!"

Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips!

Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Blonde: "The United States."
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "My whole body."

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

Don't want to show off but my neighbour just threw a brick through my window so he could hear me playing my trumpet louder.

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

I travel around the country giving seminars on the beneficial features of dried grapes.
I’m in the business of raisin awareness.

I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.

My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some very good points.

- I’ve started a business making boats in my attic.
- Sails are going through the roof.

- What sort of money do need if you want to start your own landscaping business?
- A hedge fund.

I tried to start a hot air ballooning business but it never took off.

- What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
- Start off with a big fortune.

I’m always delighted when people stick their noses in my business – my company makes paper tissues.

Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.

INTERVIEWER to job applicant: “Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?”

This guy is walking with his friend.
He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.”
The friend replies “How so?”
“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stops by his office.
As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.
Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter…
“And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair”.

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

A business organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels in the business, some climbing up others down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but management assholes.

A new small business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.

The business owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.

“Sir, I m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man.

“To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker.

“I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.”

“Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2.

The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.”

“Great!” said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”

The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.

By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man’s hand.

Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention….”

"How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit!"

My job at the paperless factory was going really well…until I went to the loo.

- What did the two business people say to each other whilst closing a deal during an earthquake? - Let’s shake on it!

- How many marketers does it take to screw a light bulb?
- None, they have already automated it.

My boss is very easygoing. He told me not to think of him as the boss, rather, think of him as a friend who is never wrong.”

‘Business is up and down at the moment; I sell yo-yos.’

I told my female colleague that she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Why did the electrician close business once a week? Because business was light.

Why did the doughnut maker retire? He was tired of the hole business!

Boss to employees: ‘We will continue to have these meetings every single day until I work out why no work is being done’!

If a neighboring business puts up a sign saying ‘lowest prices’, simply erect your own sign saying ‘main entrance’!

- What's the difference between a drug dealer and a homosexual?
- One's crack is in a junkie and the other's junk is in a crack.

- How do you find a needle in a hay stack?
- Lock a junkie in the barn.

So someone asks a junkie..
Do you still use heroin?
Well.. On the one hand yes, on the other hand no.

- Did you hear the one about the homeopathic junkie?
- Unfortunately, he died of an underdose.

- The junkie tried but couldn't quit.
- All of his efforts were in vein.