Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The worst hotel I ever stayed at was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.

If you notice this notice, you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.

What does a bull do with a bow and arrow ?

He is trying to hit the humans eye.

I'm leaving my body to science when l die that's why I'm preserving it in alcohol.

I was asked to describe myself in just five words.
I said "lazy"

- What do you call a bouncer at a gay bar ?
- A Flamethrower!!!

The longer the haircut, the shorter the haircut.

English be confusing sometimes.
"The dove dove into the nest"
"That can can hold two litres of water"

I'm a leader, not a follower.
Unless its a dark place then fuck that shit - you're going first 😆

Where's the best place to find out about Spiderman?
-"On the web".

- Why do blondes hold their hands tightly over their ears?
- Because they’re desperately trying to hold in a thought.

- Why’d the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
- She kept throwing out all the W’s.

- Why did the blonde put lipstick on her forehead?
- She was desperately trying to make up her mind.

- How do you confuse a blonde?
- You don’t. They’re born that way.

- What do blondes and dog shit have in common?
- The older they get, the easier it is to pick them up.

- Why did the blonde put condoms on her ears?
- To avoid getting hearing AIDS.

- What’s the difference between a pregnant blonde and a lightbulb?
- You can unscrew a lightbulb.

- Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?
- Someone told her drinks were on the house.

- What do screen doors and blondes have in common?
- The more you bang them, the looser they get.

- How do you confuse a blonde?
- Put her in a circle and tell her to sit in the corner.

Three blondes walk into a building.
You’d think at least one of them would’ve seen it.

- Why don’t blondes talk during sex?
- Their moms taught them never to speak to strangers.

- Why did the blonde put her iPad in the blender?
- She was trying to make apple juice.

- Why do blondes stare at orange juice containers for hours on end?
- Because they say “concentrate.”

- What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
- “I wonder if it’s mine.”

- Why do blondes love boob jobs?
- It’s really the only job they’re qualified for.

- What did the blonde say after glimpsing a box of Cheerios?
- “OMG! Donut seeds!”

- Why did the blonde get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months?
- Because the box said it was for “2 to 4 years.”

- How do you keep a blonde busy?
- Write “flip” on both sides of a sheet of paper.

- Why do blondes tip-toe past medicine cabinets?
- So they don’t wake up the sleeping pills.

— Здрасьте. Дайте таблетку...
— Какую?
— Белую...
— Вы что не понимаете, это аптека, у нас тысячи белых таблеток!
— Мне одну дайте...

My friend just won the Tallest Christmas Tree competition.
I thought to myself, “How can you top that?”

What could you call an elf who has just won the lottery?
Welfy.

The only Christmas present that I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I find that very hard to deal with.

- Why did Mrs. Claus insist Santa take an umbrella?
- “Because of the rain, dear.”

- Who is Santa’s favourite actor?
- Willem Dafoe-ho-ho.

- Where does Santa Claus go swimming?
- The North Pool.

I bought my son a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.

- What did Frosty’s girlfriend give him when she was mad at him?
- The cold shoulder.

- What do you call people who are afraid of Santa?
- Claustrophobic.

- What do you call an old snowman?
- Water.

The Christmas jumper my kids gave me last year kept picking up static electricity.
I took it back and exchanged it for another one – free of charge.

- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
- Frostbite.

- What does Santa do when his elves misbehave?
- He gives them the sack.

I got a Christmas card full of rice in the post today.
I think it was from my Uncle Ben.

- Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?
- They’re always dropping their needles.

- I have this incredible ability to predict what’s inside a wrapped present.
- It’s a gift.

- What is one of the best Christmas presents that you can give and receive?
- A broken drum.
- Why?
- Because you can’t beat it!

- Why are mummies such big fans of Christmas?
- Because they enjoy wrapping.

- Why was the snowman embarrassed when he was spotted rummaging through a bag of carrots?
- He was caught picking his nose.

- How did the bauble know that she was addicted to Christmas?
- She’d been hooked on Christmas trees all her life.

A gingerbread man went to the doctor’s complaining of a sore knee.
“A sore knee?” the doctor said. “Have you tried icing it?”

What did the snowman say to the aggressive carrot?
“Get out of my face.”

- How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
- Nothing – it was on the house.

How can I trust a woman named Natasha if her name spells backwards "Ah, satan" ?

I’m happy to say God finally answered my prayers for winning the $70 million dollar lottery. The answer was no.

I have just applied for a job in the Citroen factory. Tougher than I expected really....... 🤔.. I had to send in 2CVs.. 😜

Saw an old lady at lunchtime with a broomstick and a pointy hat stood on the beach. Think it was a ‘sandwitch!’

It is rare to hear a well done steak joke.

I hope I never lose my hearing...
It would be ear replaceable.

We were so poor growing up, we had pillow case fights.....

I do not care for Barbie. She sets unrealistic expectations about women. In my experience, no woman's head can be reattached that easily.

Q: Who is every insect's favorite bass player?
A: FLEA!!!!!

The experienced carpenter really nailed it, but the new guy screwed everything up.

1F YOU C4N R34D 7H15 7H3N CON6447U1471ON YOU H4V3 D3PR35510N.

Every time you go to court your in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury service.

I don't tell Dad jokes, but when I do, he likes them.

Beeswax is so expensive because they've only got little ears.

Tried a new item on the menu, Pelican burger.
It was lovely, but the bill was enormous.

— Как там ваша красотуля - доченька? Всё еще не замужем?
— Азохен вей! Пробуют, хвалят, но не берут.

One day when the professor walked into her classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time she was very irritated , as it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."

Coffee has a rough time in our house.
It gets mugged every single morning.

Never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science.

Has any one tried blindfolded Archery ? If you haven’t you don’t know what your missing!

— Пошли гулять?
— Нет, у меня всё болит.
— После чего?
— После 30.

What did the cake say to the knife?
You want a piece of me?

It's inappropriate to make a 'dad joke' if you're not a dad.
It’s a faux pa.

Why is there Braille on the number pads on drive-through bank machines?

— Доктор, у меня — слабость и насморк.
— Значит, вы — слабак и сопляк.

- What makes a bull sweat?
- A tight jersey.