Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A Man Burst Into A Bar With A Gun, And Yells .. Who"s the guy Sleeping with my Sister!.. A Voice in The Back Yells You aint got enough bullets!!! 😁

A teacher asked her class, “If there were 100 sheep in a pen and 1 got out, how many are left?” A student answered, “none;” inwhich the teacher corrected him, “No, if there 100 sheep and 1 gets out, there are still 99 sheep left.” The little farm boy replied, “Teacher, you may know math, but you don’t know sheep; if 1 gets out, they all get out!”

- Хеллоу, из дыс рашен ембаси?
- Йес, дыс из рашен ембаси.
- Ембаси опен?
- Ембаси клозет.
- Фо хау мэни дэйз?
- Фо хулидэйз.
- Ху ю?
- Ху я? Я - рашен амбасадор!

A blonde, a red head, and a brunette are walking into a bar. What does the red head and the brunette do? Duck!

Gonorrhea would've been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

I've just released my own fragrance.
The people sitting near me on the bus didn't appreciate it.

I want my coffee my way, said Frank Sumatra.

What kind of meat does the father eat on Sunday?? Nun!!

"People who talk to cats are mentally disturbed"
Anyway that's what my dog said .

Воспитательница детям на экскурсии в лесу:
- Дети, если хотите съесть ягодку, то срывайте две. Одну ешьте, а другая для судмедэкспертизы.

I was wrongly fired from my job as a stage designer today.
I left without making a scene.

Q: What do you see when the dough boy bends over??
A: Doughnuts!
Q: When frosty bends over?
A: Snowballs.

Drugs do not ruin your career. Drug tests do.

Q: What two things in the air get a girl pregnant??
A: Her legs!

I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games.
She said, "Wii."

Just opened my water bill and my electric bill at the same time. I was shocked!

I came home from work early one night to find my wife and my best mate, sweaty and breathless in the living room. I said, "What's going on?"
My wife said, "Erm... We've been playing on the Wii Fit." She winked at my mate and said, "Dave did VERY well."
As I walked out of the room, I heard them giggling and calling me a "dickhead", but I had the last laugh. I checked the next day, and none of his scores had even registered!

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.

I set my WiFi password to 2444666668888888, so when someone asks me what my password is, I just tell them it's: 12345678.

I'll sell my broken watch when the time is right.

My wife said that I was too impulsive and that I should think twice before doing anything.
At first I agreed with her, but now, on second thoughts...

My book about impulsive decision making didn't go according to plan.

- What kind of music do chiropractor’s like?
- Hip pop.

What were barn owls called before barns were invented...?

I've just written a book called 'My Permanently Exposed Penis'. It's out now.

Relative humidity: the sweat that rolls down your sisters back as you are doing her.

- What did the slat say to the plank?
- I’m a little board.

What's the difference between a pun and a fart?
A pun is a shift of whit!

The Lego's were upset because they were not invited to the block party.

An Australian kiss – the same as a French kiss, but down under.

- What do you call a bedpan in Russia?
- A Poo-tin.

A man with a stutter died in prison... before he could finish his sentence.

We went to the owls convention and it was a real hoot.

— Никогда не работай ради денег, найди то, что ты любишь.
— Но я люблю деньги.

Q: Did you hear about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow?
A: When he woke up, his pillow was gone.

Q: Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair?
A: Because she wanted to rock and roll.

Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine..."

Q. What is the color of the wind?
A. Blew.

Q. What do clouds do when they become rich?
A. They make it rain!

Q: What is the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: One says, "Spit out your gum," and the other says, "Choo choo choo!"

Q: How do trees access the internet?
A: They log in.

Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: "You're too young to smoke."

I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Q: What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
A: "Breathe, stupid!"

Q: Why did the school kids eat their homework?
A: Because their teacher told them it was a piece of cake.

Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.

Q: What is the tallest building in the entire world?
A: The library, because it has so many stories.

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of God, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Q: What do computers eat for a snack?
A: Microchips!

Brunette: "Where were you born?"
Blonde: "The United States."
Brunette: "Which part?"
Blonde: "My whole body."

A bank robber pulls out gun points it at the teller, and says, "Give me all the money or you're geography!" The puzzled teller replies, "Did you mean to say 'or you're history?'" The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"

A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. The man eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over. The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my shift is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go." The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"

My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

Math Teacher: "If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?"
Student: "A drinking problem."

Don't want to show off but my neighbour just threw a brick through my window so he could hear me playing my trumpet louder.

Instead of "the John," I call my toilet "the Jim." That way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim first thing every morning.

Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

I travel around the country giving seminars on the beneficial features of dried grapes.
I’m in the business of raisin awareness.

I’m thinking of starting my own business as a watchmaker.
That way I can set my own hours.

My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some very good points.

- I’ve started a business making boats in my attic.
- Sails are going through the roof.

- What sort of money do need if you want to start your own landscaping business?
- A hedge fund.

I tried to start a hot air ballooning business but it never took off.

- What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
- Start off with a big fortune.

I’m always delighted when people stick their noses in my business – my company makes paper tissues.

Mom and Dad are in the iron and steel business. She does the ironing and he does the stealing.

INTERVIEWER to job applicant: “Do you think you could come up with any reason you want this job other than your parents want you out of their house?”

This guy is walking with his friend.
He says to this friend, “I’m a walking economy.”
The friend replies “How so?”
“My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!”

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stops by his office.
As she walks in unannounced, she finds his secretary sitting on his lap.
Without hesitating, he begins to dictated a letter…
“And in conclusion gentlemen, budget cut or not, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair”.

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?” he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

A business organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs, at different levels in the business, some climbing up others down.
The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but management assholes.