Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A new small business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said “Rest in Peace”.

The business owner was angry and called the florist to complain.

After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said.

“Sir, I m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, “Congratulations on your new location.”

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law.

“I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man.

“To show you how much we care for you, I’m making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted, “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.”

“I see,” replied the father-in-law. “Well, then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker.

“I think this one will really move said the broker, it’s only $1 a share.”

“Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2.

The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.”

“Great!” said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”

The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock.”

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money.

By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man’s hand.

Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church.

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention….”

"How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit!"

My job at the paperless factory was going really well…until I went to the loo.

- What did the two business people say to each other whilst closing a deal during an earthquake? - Let’s shake on it!

- How many marketers does it take to screw a light bulb?
- None, they have already automated it.

My boss is very easygoing. He told me not to think of him as the boss, rather, think of him as a friend who is never wrong.”

‘Business is up and down at the moment; I sell yo-yos.’

I told my female colleague that she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

Why did the electrician close business once a week? Because business was light.

Why did the doughnut maker retire? He was tired of the hole business!

Boss to employees: ‘We will continue to have these meetings every single day until I work out why no work is being done’!

If a neighboring business puts up a sign saying ‘lowest prices’, simply erect your own sign saying ‘main entrance’!

- What's the difference between a drug dealer and a homosexual?
- One's crack is in a junkie and the other's junk is in a crack.

- How do you find a needle in a hay stack?
- Lock a junkie in the barn.

So someone asks a junkie..
Do you still use heroin?
Well.. On the one hand yes, on the other hand no.

- Did you hear the one about the homeopathic junkie?
- Unfortunately, he died of an underdose.

- The junkie tried but couldn't quit.
- All of his efforts were in vein.

- Why did the junkie keep accidentally calling his dealer?
- Because he had him on speed dial.

Did you hear about the junkies who accidentally joined an alt right movement?
Apparently they thought they were signing up to Join For White Powder.

What's drug junkie's favorite videogame?
Need for SPEED.

- What do you call a sad junkie with a lisp?
- Metherable.

Just saw a junkie at Wal-Mart put his whole dick in a tube of Planter's Cashews
Dude was fucking nuts.

I sold some baby laxative to a junkie and told him it was cocaine...
The next day he told me that was the best shit he ever had.

One in our friend group is supposed to be a dyslexic junkie.
Needles to say it's not me.

- Whats he difference between a camel and a college student?
- Camel can go days without drinking.

- How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- One after a few YouTube tutorials.

- What do college students say after praying?
- Ramen.

- What do you call hiking US college students?
- The walking debt.

The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"
Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."

Teacher: "Please don't whistle while studying."
Student: "Oh, but I'm not studying - just whistling!"

The psychology teacher had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the students. Speaking specifically about manic depression, the teacher asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone."

Physics Teacher: "Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree when an apple fell on his head and he discovered gravity. Isn't that wonderful?"

Student: "Yes sir, if he had been sitting in class looking at books like us, he wouldn't have discovered anything."

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

- How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
- Will this be on the test ?

Q: What do you call a prostitute that likes pop music ?
A: A pop tart.

“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?’”

— Что думает замужняя еврейка, глядя на себя в зеркало?
— Так ему и надо.

I injured my back in Egypt, and had to see a Cairopractor.

Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

I think my bucket is sick, it looks a bit pale.

Do y'all know how much coke Charlie Sheen did? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

Все люди являются носителями интеллекта. Но некоторые бессимптомно.

Покидая зону комфорта, не забудьте смыть за собой и выключить свет.

People that love reading fantasy comics, say that it’s simply a Marvel lust thing.

I perform a magic show in which I make marijuana and cocaine disappear.
It's all smoke and mirrors.

If you're bored......
Phone up a women's rights group & ask to speak to the man in charge!!!

My dad told me to stop singing Oasis' song.
I said maybeeee...

I wanted to bring a penguin home but my parents said that wasn't going to fly.

The doctors who completed the first tongue transplant refused comment. They said the operation will speak for itself.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100.
Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200.
Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

A student comes to a young professor's office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "
I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze.
"Anything?"
Anything."
His voice softens.
"Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you...study?"

Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: what?
Student: what?

My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.

What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.

What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What’s a composer’s favorite game to play?
Haydn go seek.

What is a Jehovah’s Witness’ favorite band?
The Doors.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide?
He didn’t even leave a note.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

Johnny is at school and teacher says "Johnny, it's time for milk and cookies!" He says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" Teacher decides to call Johnny's father and hide him in the coat closet. Again she says""time for milk and cookies!" Again Johnny says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" She opens the closet door and says "this is how your child is talking. What do you have to say about this?" Dad says" Well, fuck him. Don't give him any!"

What band do Anti-vaxxers refuse to listen too?
The Cure.

I’m thinking of starting a band with some guys I met online.
We’re gonna call ourselves LinkedIn Park.

What's the Hong Kong police's favorite band?
The Beatles.

What music band is the least popular around Halloween?
The Smashing Pumpkins.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘Lost dog’.
You’ve probably seen our posters...

What is Santa’s favorite band?
Sled Zeppelin.

The band 4 Non Blondes changed their name to 3 Non Blondes...
Because the 4th one dyed.

What's an ancient pyramids builders favourite band?
The rolling stones.

What did the Janitor call his safety warning inspired metal band?
Slip not.

The band A Flock of Seagulls is not concerned with WWIII. They've stated that conflicts typically happen with neighboring countries.
And Iraaaaan...Iran's so far awaaaay....

I was in a band in the 90's called "Homeopathy"
We were a bit like Placebo but not as good.
Once we played at a festival, a bit unsuccessful because most of the crowd left to see the Cure instead.

What's the difference between a bull and a blues band?
With a bull, you get the horns in the front and the asshole in the back!