Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.

After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the teacher with a sneer.

"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself."

- How many college students does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
- Will this be on the test ?

Q: What do you call a prostitute that likes pop music ?
A: A pop tart.

“Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?’”

— Что думает замужняя еврейка, глядя на себя в зеркало?
— Так ему и надо.

I injured my back in Egypt, and had to see a Cairopractor.

Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.

I think my bucket is sick, it looks a bit pale.

Do y'all know how much coke Charlie Sheen did? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.

Все люди являются носителями интеллекта. Но некоторые бессимптомно.

Покидая зону комфорта, не забудьте смыть за собой и выключить свет.

People that love reading fantasy comics, say that it’s simply a Marvel lust thing.

I perform a magic show in which I make marijuana and cocaine disappear.
It's all smoke and mirrors.

If you're bored......
Phone up a women's rights group & ask to speak to the man in charge!!!

My dad told me to stop singing Oasis' song.
I said maybeeee...

I wanted to bring a penguin home but my parents said that wasn't going to fly.

The doctors who completed the first tongue transplant refused comment. They said the operation will speak for itself.

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said,"Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied,"Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly. "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.
"The female hostel will be prohibited for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $100.
Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $200.
Are there any questions?"
At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "How much for a season pass?"

A student comes to a young professor's office hours.
She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
"I mean..." she whispers, "
I would do...anything."
He returns her gaze.
"Anything?"
Anything."
His voice softens.
"Anything??"
"Absolutely anything."
His voice turns to a whisper.
"Would you...study?"

Teacher: And therefore, sperm cells are made up of glucose.
Student: So you're saying that sperm has sugar in it?
Teacher: Technically. Yes.
Student: But it doesn't even taste like that...
Teacher: what?
Student: what?

My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.

What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.

What do call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

What’s a composer’s favorite game to play?
Haydn go seek.

What is a Jehovah’s Witness’ favorite band?
The Doors.

Which composer likes tea the most?
Chai-kovsky.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide?
He didn’t even leave a note.

Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park.
But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.

Johnny is at school and teacher says "Johnny, it's time for milk and cookies!" He says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" Teacher decides to call Johnny's father and hide him in the coat closet. Again she says""time for milk and cookies!" Again Johnny says "FUCK YOU AND YOUR MILK AND COOKIES!" She opens the closet door and says "this is how your child is talking. What do you have to say about this?" Dad says" Well, fuck him. Don't give him any!"

What band do Anti-vaxxers refuse to listen too?
The Cure.

I’m thinking of starting a band with some guys I met online.
We’re gonna call ourselves LinkedIn Park.

What's the Hong Kong police's favorite band?
The Beatles.

What music band is the least popular around Halloween?
The Smashing Pumpkins.

I used to be in a band, we were called ‘Lost dog’.
You’ve probably seen our posters...

What is Santa’s favorite band?
Sled Zeppelin.

The band 4 Non Blondes changed their name to 3 Non Blondes...
Because the 4th one dyed.

What's an ancient pyramids builders favourite band?
The rolling stones.

What did the Janitor call his safety warning inspired metal band?
Slip not.

The band A Flock of Seagulls is not concerned with WWIII. They've stated that conflicts typically happen with neighboring countries.
And Iraaaaan...Iran's so far awaaaay....

I was in a band in the 90's called "Homeopathy"
We were a bit like Placebo but not as good.
Once we played at a festival, a bit unsuccessful because most of the crowd left to see the Cure instead.

What's the difference between a bull and a blues band?
With a bull, you get the horns in the front and the asshole in the back!

Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?
Cause' I found the rubber band.

I'm starting a Christmas themed thrash band.
Thinking of calling it Sleigher.

I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once...
That's me in the corner.

- What was the Luddite's favorite band?
- Rage Against the Machine.

- How come U2 band members still haven't found what they're looking for?
- Because the streets have no names!

My friend and I were backstage with band U2 and two other people.
I said “hey look, I’m here with u2, you two, and you too!”

I was at a bar once, and the band played "Jump"
.. and everyone jumped. Then the band played "Twist and Shout" and everyone twisted and shouted.
Then the band played "Come on Eileen". Poor Eileen!

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80’s bands
There is no cure.

- A group of scientists start a band. What's it called?
- Ion Maiden

Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.

Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.

- Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
- The Rolling Stones.

- How do geologists like to relax?
- In rocking chairs, of course!

- How did the geology student drown?
- His grades were below C-level.

I hear corduroy pillows are coming back..in fact they're making headlines.

A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it's time to go inside.

What's the difference between a big cat and a little cat?
Answer: A big cat can scratch hell out of you, But a little pussy never hurt anybody!

Q: What do you call a newspaper with blood on it?
A: a periodic.

Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a pussy?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

Q: Why are pussy pubic hairs curly?
A: You would poke your eye out if it were straight!

Q: Why was two piece swimsuit invented?
A: To separate the hairy from the dairy.

Q: Why is being in a rock band like a palm job?
A: The more you rock, the better you feel.

Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.

Q: What is anatomy?
A: the difference of knowing your pussy, and knowing you're a pussy.

Q: What does a nun and a gremlin have in common?
A: They're both not allowed to get wet!

Q: What's the difference between a clit and a mobile phone?
A: Nothing, every cunt's got one!

Q: How do you know when your husband eats too much pussy?
A: When he goes to the dentist to get a haircut!

Q: What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A: Nobody eats parsley.

Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit!

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's pussy?
A: The other guys waiting their turn!

Q: What do you get if you stuff your hand up a gypsy's cunt when she is on her period?
A: Your palm Red!

Q: What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in a snowstorm?
A: When you eat pussy, you can always see the arsehole in front of you!

Q: What's the definition of a tongue-twister?
A: A spiral pussy!

Q: What do pimps and dogs have in common?
A: They both ate pussy.

Q: What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth?
A: A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER.

Q: What do you call the space between the twat and the shitter?
A: Twitter.