Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Did someone lose a roll of 20 dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?
Cause' I found the rubber band.

I'm starting a Christmas themed thrash band.
Thinking of calling it Sleigher.

I had my picture taken with the band R.E.M. once...
That's me in the corner.

- What was the Luddite's favorite band?
- Rage Against the Machine.

- How come U2 band members still haven't found what they're looking for?
- Because the streets have no names!

My friend and I were backstage with band U2 and two other people.
I said “hey look, I’m here with u2, you two, and you too!”

I was at a bar once, and the band played "Jump"
.. and everyone jumped. Then the band played "Twist and Shout" and everyone twisted and shouted.
Then the band played "Come on Eileen". Poor Eileen!

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare form of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80’s bands
There is no cure.

- A group of scientists start a band. What's it called?
- Ion Maiden

Why shouldn’t you let a geologist drive your car?
Because they get hammered and stoned.

Did you hear about the geologist who was reading a book about Helium?
He just couldn’t put it down.

- Who is a geologist’s favorite band?
- The Rolling Stones.

- How do geologists like to relax?
- In rocking chairs, of course!

- How did the geology student drown?
- His grades were below C-level.

I hear corduroy pillows are coming back..in fact they're making headlines.

A vagina is like the weather. Once its wet, it's time to go inside.

What's the difference between a big cat and a little cat?
Answer: A big cat can scratch hell out of you, But a little pussy never hurt anybody!

Q: What do you call a newspaper with blood on it?
A: a periodic.

Boy: "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, its too long."
Girl: "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won't get it."

Q: What's the difference between a bowling ball and a pussy?
A: You can only fit three fingers inside a bowling ball!

Q: Why are pussy pubic hairs curly?
A: You would poke your eye out if it were straight!

Q: Why was two piece swimsuit invented?
A: To separate the hairy from the dairy.

Q: Why is being in a rock band like a palm job?
A: The more you rock, the better you feel.

Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.

Q: What is anatomy?
A: the difference of knowing your pussy, and knowing you're a pussy.

Q: What does a nun and a gremlin have in common?
A: They're both not allowed to get wet!

Q: What's the difference between a clit and a mobile phone?
A: Nothing, every cunt's got one!

Q: How do you know when your husband eats too much pussy?
A: When he goes to the dentist to get a haircut!

Q: What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
A: Nobody eats parsley.

Q: How do you know if you have an overbite?
A: If your eating pussy and it tastes like shit!

Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's pussy?
A: The other guys waiting their turn!

Q: What do you get if you stuff your hand up a gypsy's cunt when she is on her period?
A: Your palm Red!

Q: What's the difference between eating pussy and driving in a snowstorm?
A: When you eat pussy, you can always see the arsehole in front of you!

Q: What's the definition of a tongue-twister?
A: A spiral pussy!

Q: What do pimps and dogs have in common?
A: They both ate pussy.

Q: What do you call a Roman soldier with a smile on his face and a piece of hair between his two front teeth?
A: A GLAD-HE-ATE-HER.

Q: What do you call the space between the twat and the shitter?
A: Twitter.

Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like bungee jumping too!

Q: What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?
A: Cuntstubble.

Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a public restroom?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who has been there before you!

Q: What's the difference between balls and a pussy?
A: the harder the pussy, the more balls you need.

Q: What do homosexuals and mice have in common?
A: They both hate pussy!

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So that men will speak to them!

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q: Why is a vagina just like the weather?
A: When it's wet, it's time to go inside.

Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

A 9 year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you 10 years younger...

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run.

If I had a Delorean, I'd probably drive it time to time.

- Я знаю, что ты зоофил.
- Откуда?
- От верблюда.

I've decided I cannot blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. If I'm being honest, it was more of a Domino effect.

Molly: you remind me of a man
Polly: what man?
Molly: the man with the power
Polly: what power?
Molly: the power of voodoo
Polly: oo doo?
Molly: you do
Polly: do what?
Molly: remind me of a man...

If you're waiting for the waiter, doesn't that make you a waiter?

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

What did Kevin Bacon name his son?
Chris P. Bacon.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat...
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

What do you call it when you take a shit in a bank? A Deposhit.

Favorite movie line for a blacksmith?
May the forge be with you.

How Do Mathematicians Communicate?
-They Use Sine language

I went into Sainsbury's this morning and picked up a can of fly spray.

I asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"

And she replied, "No, it kills them."

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the heck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Good God! How big are the cats?"

I was so ugly when I was born,
The doctor slapped my mother .

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday, it caused immense pain to ma toes.

So, I read a study the other day claiming that "humans eat more bananas than monkeys".

Which - to me - sounded a bit obvious. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Chess Player goes abroad to see his Czech Mate.

I lost a £20 bet with friend at a game of chess.
I asked him how he wanted paying, he said “cheque mate”.

Ninty year old man goes to confession. "Father, I just had sex with three 18 year old triplets from Sweden". Father says "That's not exactly a sin- why are you telling me?" Man says "I'm telling everybody!"

- How do you get a blond off of her knees?
- Cum!

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? 45 minutes!

If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I'd have no sex life at all.

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Being told I was going deaf was very difficult to hear.

I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a long poem, but it’s deep.

Q: What do you call a battery powered air conditionner?
A: DC-AC.

Women are perfectly capable of making independent decisions. they don't need any guydance.

Q: What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A: A father-in-law.

I've been trying to organise a Hide and Seek tournament for some time, but it's not easy.
Good players are hard to find.

Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas! It was in vein.

My son, Luke, loves that we named our kids after Star Wars characters. Our daughter, C3-PO, not so much.

How far up do bald people go when they wash their face ?