Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Asked a scientist, how do you make a hormone?
He told me don't pay her!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

"If you fall, I'll be there."
-Floor

Q:What do mopeds and fat ladies have in common?
A:They're both a great ride until someone sees you on one.

A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He asks her, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

My wife says I only have two faults.
I don't listen and something else.

I don't like surprises.
Which is why I never open my electricity bill or my bank statement.

If anyone asks if you liked New Wave, tell them you never cared for wildebeests on surfboards.

Guess where the fish keep their money?
In a river bank..

It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut.

I finally caught the person at work who has been stealing my beetroot... caught him red handed.

I told my 4 year old son that shitting your pants was OK but the little bastard still laughed at me for doing it.

Q:Why couldn't the cowboy get down from his horse?
A:Because you can only get down from a goose.

Q:What do you call a cow that just gave birth??
A:Decaffeinated.

A kid walks up to his mom and asks, "Mom, can I go bungee jumping?" The mom says "No, you were born from broken rubber and I don't want you to go out the same way!"

I've never been much of a whiskey drinker but I'm willing to give it a shot.

I read that you are more likely to be killed by a donkey than by a terrorist attack. So I guess you’d better watch your ass.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago and now I just live in constant fear.

I went to at Michelin style restaurant, was not good, all the food tasted like rubber.

Q:What do you call two turtles fucking??
A:Slow Poke.

The local nudist beach has been shut down.
There's a big sign saying "Sorry, we're Clothed".

Which would you rather be, or a wasp?

The moment I saw her from a distant point, her beauty caught my attention, I immediately got an idea on how to fix that BUG.

Did you ever realize that the word “bed” actually looks like a bed 🛌?

Then there was the woman who was cured of her nervousness in one treatment. The doctor told her it was a sign of old age.

What do u call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

- Жора, если вам станет скучно в маршрутке, похвалите президента, и вам сразу сделают весело.

I changed all my passwords to Kenny. Now I have all Kenny Loggins.

What did John Lennon say to his kids when they wouldn't eat their vegetables?
"Give peas a chance."

As a new language, Braille is not that difficult to learn... you just have to have a feel for it.

I have lost appetite, I can't believe eat😤

A bloke went straight past the receptionist into the doctors surgery and said "I have swallowed a snooker ball"
The doctor said "get to the end of the cue".

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a gas station in a remote corner of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf doesn't recognise Tiger, and greets him in typical Irish fashion.
"Top of the mornin' to ya, sir," says the attendant.
Tiger, who is familiar with Irish customs, responds with, "And the rest of the day to you, sir!"
Tiger then bends forward to pick up the nozzle of the gasoline hose. As he does so, two golf tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees," replies Tiger.
"And what on the good earth are they fer?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Feckin' hell," says the Irishman, "BMW thinks of everything!"

I just saw this bodybuilder being arrested for shoplifting.

The phrase “Ignore it and it will go away” does NOT apply to being chased by a dozen cop cars... trust me on this one.

Scientists recorded the sound of two helium atoms laughing.
HeHe.

I've written a song entitled "Masturbation".
I'm going to release it myself.

Apparently, there is a new movie about fishing being produced.
It has a great cast.

Driving home from the funeral, she realized her panties had disappeared. She suspects it was the undertaker.

My keyboard was malfunctioning this morning. There was a spider on it. I think it’s under control now.

My neighbors listen to really good music... whether they like it or not.

What do you call a member of law enforcement who likes to show people his skills on the Guitar?
A share riff.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Joe submitted his idea for a pencil with erasers on both ends but the manufacturers declined and thought it was pointless.

I watched a pirate copy of Bohemian Rhapsody. I think it was filmed in the cinema.
I saw a little silhouetto of a man.

As a Funeral Director, I’ll either be the last to let you down or give you the smoking hot body you always wanted.

My mind is like my internet browser.
At least 19 open tabs..3 are frozen & I have no idea where the music is coming from.

The first rule of "Condescending Club” is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".
The guy obeys and says, "99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeating the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the guy says, '99'."
The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three"

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck.

Somebody stole my car tyres.
Now it's not working, it must be retired.

Just found out my stuttering cousin died in prison. He didn't even get to finish his sentence.

Q:What if you hit your alarm clock one morning and it hit you back?
A:That would be alarming.

Q:How do you greet a German Barber?
A: good morning Herr dresser.

I didn't know Sylvester Stallone is on his third marriage...i guess the first one was rocky and the second one was Rocky too.

My wife screamed at me “you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said”.
What a strange way to start a conversation.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now, I have this weird axe scent.

I've just had a bloke knock on my door asking me to sign the organ donor register. I thought, there's a man after my own heart!

"I tried eating uranium, but it made me feel funny.", Tom said radiantly.

Q:Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
A:Because calling him Master Vader made all the stormtroopers giggle.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Bullets only do their job after they’re fired.

I bought a new calculator the other day, the + button seems to be missing,
It just doesn’t add up.

So this guy tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that was the last thing I needed.

I understand how cars work.
Aeroplanes are way over my head.

My mate went to a fancy dress party dressed as a bank vault.
"Thought you were going as an apology” I said.
He replied "Yeah, I decided it's better to be safe than sorry".

If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

I want to start a band called The Ceiling.
Everyone who likes us will be Ceiling Fans.

I surprised my milkman by appearing naked at the door. He wanted to know how I knew where he lived.

I saw my ex wife from across the hall in a museum. I was too self conscious to say hello. I mean there was all this history between us.

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

53.8% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A male snake charmer married a female undertaker.
Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse".

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you.

If you put toppings on ice cream, and it melts, and they drop to the bottom, are they still toppings or are they now droppings?

Is “Otorhinolaryngologist” the most difficult word to pronounce in the English language?
It’s hard to say.

The Bible tells you to love one another. The Kama Sutra is a lot more specific.

I was going to tell you a joke about cows.

But I bet you've already herd it.

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight its because you are drunk.

Everytime you feel yourself getting pulled into other peoples drama, repeat these words:
NOT MY CIRCUS~NOT MY MONKEYS!