Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife says I need to put on the mask before I leave the house. I always do.
I'm sure my dog is sick of that stupid movie though.

— С кем состоите в браке?
— С женщиной...
— Не шутите, это же понятно.
— Ну, не скажите. У меня, например, есть сестра, так она в браке с мужчиной.

The dyslexic agnostic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Sonia Gandhi met the Queen of England in her palace

Sonia: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Sonia frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are intelligent?"

The Queen: "Easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?"

David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, ma'am?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am."

"Very good! Thank you, David !" said the Queen.

Then she turned to Sonia with a smile and said "See?"

Now its Sonia's turn to apply the same logic....

Sonia went back to India and asked Rahul..
"Rahul , answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Rahul Gandhi . "Let me get back to you on that one..."

Rahul Gandhi went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer...

Finally, he ran into Narendra Modi and asked, "Narendrabhai, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"..

Narendra Modi answered, "That's easy, it's me!"..

Rahul said, "Thanks!"

*Then he went back to Sonia. "I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Narendra Modi*..."😎

*Sonia slapped him*....
and *shouted* ..
"No ! *You dumb idiot! It's David Cameron*.

Why couldn't the Clam make new friends?

It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.

The noblest, kindest breed of dog is the hot dog. It’s the only dog that feeds the hand that bites him.

I own a shop selling Closed Signs,
We haven't had a single customer.

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Breaking News. Scientists have made cars that can run on parsley. They are now trying to make trains that can run on thyme 🤣

A man is like a snowstorm. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

I thought we were being haunted by the spirit of a dead chicken, but it turned out to be a poultryguest.
I immediately contacted an eggsorcist.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A Priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.....
The rabbit says, I think I might be a type o

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know, I get a little each month, but not enough to live on.”

A priest booking into a hotel says " I hope that the porn channel on TV is disabled " " No, it`s normal porn you sick bastard ! "

If you pee on an electric fence, Urine trouble!

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"
And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

Scientists have found that sniffing rosemary increases memory by 75%. Not sure Rosemary appreciates it.

Apparently, you can not use "beef stew" as a password.
It's not stroganoff.

Q:Why do Norway's battleships have a bar code on the side of them?
A:So when they enter port, they can Scandinavian!

Мало уговорить женщину на секс. Надо ещё как-то дать ей понять, что этот секс должен быть с тобой.

Q:What did the seal with the broken arm say to the polar bear?
A:Do not consume if seal is broken.

Girl: Babe, a tiny penis isn't such a big deal.
Guy: I dunno Jenny, I kinda wish you didn't have one at all.

Just seen a cat and a hedge hog fighting.....
I think the hedge hog was winning on points.

I don’t trust those trees, son.
Son: why not?
They seem kind of.... shady.

The worst thing about being schizophrenic is that no one ever listens to what I am going through.
I may as well be talking to myselves.

Женщина заходит в офис восточного гуру, её встречает колоритная японка в кимоно:
— Вы пришли встретиться с великим просветлённым бессмертным гуру Шри Лала Киншасу?
— Да, скажите Шмулику, шо его маман пришла.

What are two things you can't have for breakfast....?..lunch and dinner.

Our orthodontics professor didn’t gum to class today, so we braced ourselves for a substi•tooth teacher.

Why do boxers make good comedians?
Because they always have a punch line.

I just went into the bank and the woman behind the counter had a mask on.
I gave her all my money.

Is it cheating if your dog licks your balls?

The wife wasn’t herself this morning. I was going to ask her “What’s wrong,” but I only had 2 hours before I had to go to work.

Q: What do you call it when an insect commits suicide?
A: Insecticide.

A man walked into a newspaper office with an ad saying:
'Man seeks woman to date.'
He was asked: "Do you want to insert it today?"
Man: "Sure, but I can't write that in the ad, can I?"

A woman is getting old when she feels insulted, rather than flattered, by a whistle.

You're getting old when the girl you smile at thinks you're one of her father's old friends.

Payday candy bar is changing its name because it's offensive to people that don't wanna work...

Peet's Coffee is now offering Japanese rice wine. Let’s go soon...for Peet’s ‘sake’.

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

A man is really old when he watches the food instead of the waitress.

A guy bought his girlfriend a new perfume called "Chloroform".
She didn't like it.. !
She says, it makes her sleepy and also her 'ASS' feels sore and painful the next day.

You're getting old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap , or paper towels in the ladies room.

I had this one night stand & I felt so guilty that I went out the next morning & bought another for the other side of my bed.

So a guy went to a zoo on his day off. There were no animals there besides one dog. It was a Shit Tzu.

I won't sleep until i find a treatment for insomnia.

A good way to get your name in the newspaper is to cross the street reading one.

Can't sleep because of what my doctor said...
He diagnosed me with insomnia.

When James Bond is out of the country, is he known as +44 07?

I saw a drawing of the president's face on a wheel, looking quite depressed.
It was political sad tire.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath."
"I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup."
"No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say...the steaks are high.

Where did Noah keep the bees? In the ark hives.

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

I made my younger brother swallow a torch.
You should of seen his little face light up.

Q:How do you impress a female baker?
A:Bring her flours!

Mom: Hey, what does IDK and IDC mean?
Daughter: I don't know and I don't care.
Mom: Well okay, guess I'll just ask someone else..

If I ever win a $1,000,000, I’d probably donate a quarter of it to charity...
That would still leave me with $999,999.75...

Years ago I retired. I got tired of retirement so I went back to work. Then I reretired. Now I'm retired of retirement.

Of all kitchen utensils, why did Judas choose to be tray?

How does a cowboy start his day?
He reboots.

Would you like to hear a joke about dried grapes?
It's not that good- don't go raisin your expectations.

How do you invite a dinosaur to lunch?
Tea, Rex?

How is a tick and the Eiffel Tower similar?
They’re both Paris sites.

I have a fear of speed bumps.
I'm slowly getting over it.

I heard the government is putting chips into people? I hope I get BBQ.

The battery in my car got stolen. Don't know who took it, but I've got a couple of leads.

Old age is when the gleam in your eyes is just the sun shining on your bifocals.

I have an excellent memory except for three things. Names, faces and something else.

Lazy is such an ugly word I prefer selective participation 😎

One day a sadistic Drill Sargent was putting his platoon through several of the worst and most humiliating tasks he could think of, including cleaning his personal washroom; after one final use of the toilet which had been clogged for two days.
And at the end of the day, after he ran each of them into the ground he called attention and walked the line.
Stepping forward the Drill Sargent pushed his face right up to the youngest looking Private and groused, " I'll bet you're wishing that I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave!"
With a straight face the Private replied," Sir, No Sir!" When I get out of the Army," I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

Man : “doctor, can you fix my arsehole, it’s the size of a dinner plate”
Doctor : “ how did it get like that ?”.
Man : “ I got raped by an elephant whilst on a safari”.
Doctor “ but elephants Penises are long with a small girth”.
Man : “ yes I know, the bastard fingered me first”.

My wife told me that she’d always wanted to ride a horse.

Judging by the size of her cunt, I thought she already had.

I saw a pigeon having a game
Of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play at that game.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A Dung Beetle walks into a bar, and asks, "Is this stool taken?"

I hate sausages. They’re the wurst.