Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Someone stole my de-alcoholized whiskey, but the cops said that there was no proof...

Some guy just told me he was going to beat me with the neck of a guitar.
I asked him if that was a fret?

А знаете, почему к нам не прилетают путешественники во времени из будущего? Потому что нет никакого будущего!

I pulled a muscle digging for gold. It's just a miner injury.

It wasn't until I'd replaced all the windows in my house l realised l had a crack in my glasses.

People have different reactions when experiencing great heights in the sky...At•most•fear

A racehorse is an animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at the same time.

I remember going to see Dr Hook in the 1970s.
Worst prostate examination ever.

Yo Mama's like a Boeing 747 - She can take 2 pilots in her cockpit at the same time....

A local rapper once fucked the clock, hoping his time will come.

Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.

— Абрам, а чем это у вас дома так неприятно пахнет?
— Это розы!
— Какие розы?
— Роза Абрамовна и Роза Исааковна...

My friend told me that drinking beer would make him smarter. But, I don't think anything would make my Budweiser.

I was hoping for a battle of wits but it would be wrong to attack someone who’s totally unarmed.

People yawning in an aeroplane must be a nightmare for deaf people.

I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy and my face smashes right into the mirror.

I'm glad i know sign language, it's pretty handy.

Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

Business is like a wheelbarrow - it stands still unless somebody pushes it.

Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

“My neighbor’s diary says that I have boundary issues.”

I've got behind with my subscriptions to Scrabble Club. Now they're sending me threatening letters!

Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch.

“Did you get that for your birthday?” Asked Little Johnny.

“Nope.” Replied Jimmy.

“Well, did you get it for Christmas then?”

Again Jimmy says. “Nope.”

“You didn’t steal it, did you?” Asks Little Johnny.

“No.” Said Jimmy.

“I went into Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night when they were doing the nasty. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me. “

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea and extremely jealous of Jimmy’s new watch.

He vowed to get one for himself.

That night, he waited outside his parents’ bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid-stroke, turned and said angrily.

“What do you want now?”

“I wanna watch,” Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said.

“Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet.”

Son asking father.."what is the difference between rape, romance and marriage..?"hi
Father replies, "clothes my son, clothes. It's all about clothes'.
Totally puzzled, son asks, "what?".
Father..."In rape, you tear the clothes.
In romance, you remove the clothes.
*In marriage you wash the clothes.."*

I don't know how many stars are in the sky - the number has to be astronomical.

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.
Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

Went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own wife?
Explain to me why I pay taxes.

A chemistry text book is atoms explaining atoms to a bunch of atoms.

Did you hear about the woman who was urinating nickels and dimes? She was just going through her change.

Q: What do birthday candles and farts have in common?
A: Both are far more entertaining when lit with a match.

Q: How did boobs got their name?
A: From the top view it looks like a B, the front view looks like oo, and the side view looks like a b.

My daughter jammed 2 quarters into our car CD player .
Now can only listen to 50 Cent.

'You may live forever' is more of a curse than a blessing.

Nurse Rosy was known for getting her instructions reversed. If the doctor said give the patient two pills at four o'clock she would invariably give four pills at two o'clock.
One evening the doctor arrives on the floor to make his final round for the day and he is startled to see a patient running down the hallway with his hospital gown flapping in the breeze, screaming at the top of his lungs, and being chased by Nurse Rosy carrying a big pot of boiling water.
The doctor yells, "Damn it, Nurse Rosy, I very distinctly told you to prick his boil !"

Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.
She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

So I finally tried snorting coke, I didn’t like it because it was hard to breathe when the ice cubes got stuck in my nose!

Jokes with punch lines can be painfully funny.

Did you know, that after 108 years, the Titanic’s swimming pool is still full of water?

Q:What was the most groundbreaking invention ever?
A:I think it was the shovel.

“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
– Oscar Wilde

“I’m going to donate my body to science, and keep my Dad happy – he always wanted me to go to medical school.”

People have different reactions when experiencing great heights in the sky...At•most•fear

Тетрис учит нас, что ошибки в жизни накапливаются, а успехи исчезают.
И что длинная палка - это хорошо.

You really got to hand it to "Short People".....
Mainly because they can't reach it...

“A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

An old-timer is one who can remember when going to the eternal rest didn't mean landing a job with the government.

How did the Beatles’ new skillet introduce himself to them?
“I am the egg pan.”

A man was arrested coz he was stealing clothes off his neighbor’s washing line. He claimed he was ‘online’ shopping.

A German shepherd is also a type of human.

I tried catching fog the other day but mist.

Did you know that if an eagle gets sick it cannot be treated. It’s ill-eagle!

The toilet paper rolled into the employment center two-ply for a job. They asked him to hang along the wall, and then rotate to the front of the line when his number is called.

This young fellow is about to be married, and is asking his grandfather about sex. He asks how often you should have it. His grandfather tells him, "When you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe you'll do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off, and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, like maybe on your anniversary." The young fellow then asks his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?" His grandfather replies, "Oh, we just have oral sex now." "What's oral sex?" The young fellow asks. "Well, she goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. She yells, 'Screw you,' and I holler back, 'Screw you too!'"

How does a computer learn new things?
Bit by bit.

Q:What kind of tractor makes crop circles?
A:A pro tractor.

Did you hear about the man who brought a sleeping bag ?
He spent two hours trying to wake it up.

A woman goes to the doctor and says "im getting too much discharge"
The Dr says "pop off your knickers and hop onto the bed" he then puts on a latex glove and applies three fingers into her vagina
"How does that feel?" He asks
"Fucking lovely but the discharge is in my ear!" She replied.😂

Father having a heart attack says to his son,
"You have to call me an ambulance."
Son: "You're an ambulance"
Father (with last breath): "I'm so proud of you son".

The pandemic has closed down so many businesses, it's not funny. But sometimes the only way to deal with it is to look at it in a lighter vein. We mourn the loss of the following businesses:
A local bra shop has gone bust.
A mining company has gone under.
A manufacturer of food blenders has gone into liquidation.
A dog kennels has had to call in the retrievers.
An origami book company has folded.
An aerial installation company has called in the receivers.
A key company has gone into lockdown.
A watchsmith has wound down and called time.
An ice cream shop has had its assets frozen.
A shoe factory has been soled and employees given the boot.
The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn't ketchup with orders.
The tarmac company has reached the end of the road.
The bread company has run out of dough.
The laundrette has been taken to the cleaners.
And finally, the dry cleaners and ironing service has run out of steam.

Q:Why can't you breed an eel with an eagle ?
A:It's Eeleagle.

My wife threw a fit when she dropped her Polish sausage on the ground...
What a soiled brat!

What musical instrument would a cucumber play?
A pickle-o.

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.
After a few minutes the bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

My girlfriend sent me this message.
“Helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative”
What’s does ‘ternative’ mean?

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
The president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland .'

Kinda annoying you can't get tar at target.

Why is the letter B so cool?
Because it's sitting in the middle of the AC!

Had a refreshing hot beverage in the morning. I thank the almighty for all my tea.

My grandfather was responsible for downing 29 german planes in WWII. To date, he still holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

The furniture store keeps calling me to come back.
But all I wanted was one night stand.

If you've been thinking about singing karaoke with a friend, just duet!

My wife says I need to put on the mask before I leave the house. I always do.
I'm sure my dog is sick of that stupid movie though.

— С кем состоите в браке?
— С женщиной...
— Не шутите, это же понятно.
— Ну, не скажите. У меня, например, есть сестра, так она в браке с мужчиной.

The dyslexic agnostic insomniac stayed up all night wondering if there is a dog.

Sonia Gandhi met the Queen of England in her palace

Sonia: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Sonia frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are intelligent?"

The Queen: "Easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle."

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "David Cameron, would you come in here, please?"

David Cameron walked into the room and said, "Yes, ma'am?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please, David. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, David Cameron answered, "That would be me, ma'am."

"Very good! Thank you, David !" said the Queen.

Then she turned to Sonia with a smile and said "See?"

Now its Sonia's turn to apply the same logic....

Sonia went back to India and asked Rahul..
"Rahul , answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," said Rahul Gandhi . "Let me get back to you on that one..."

Rahul Gandhi went to his advisors and asked every one, but none could give him an answer...

Finally, he ran into Narendra Modi and asked, "Narendrabhai, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"..

Narendra Modi answered, "That's easy, it's me!"..

Rahul said, "Thanks!"

*Then he went back to Sonia. "I did some thinking and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Narendra Modi*..."😎

*Sonia slapped him*....
and *shouted* ..
"No ! *You dumb idiot! It's David Cameron*.

Why couldn't the Clam make new friends?

It's not because he was too shellfish, I think he just never opened up.

The noblest, kindest breed of dog is the hot dog. It’s the only dog that feeds the hand that bites him.

I own a shop selling Closed Signs,
We haven't had a single customer.

Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Breaking News. Scientists have made cars that can run on parsley. They are now trying to make trains that can run on thyme 🤣