Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why are men most intelligent whilst having sex..
Because there plugged into a fucking know it all..

The sentence 'Don't believe everything you read on the Internet' is the same backwards.

I'm thinking of buying a villa in the south of France... I've got nothing Toulouse.

What's Bruce Lees favorite sandwich?
A WHOPPA!!!!

What does a lazy tailor say?
Suit yourself.

My motherboard died some days ago, oh all the great memories. Rest in PC.

Sam was told not to sing. But Samsung anyway.

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

A flea and a fly in a flue were imprisoned; so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly, said the fly let us flee. So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

I'm conducting online knitting classes from my bathroom.
I shit, you knot.

A mother who makes a match for her daughter usually intends to referee it as well.

I can't believe...I got fired from a calendar factory. All I did was take a day..off

Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding he sings.

"Double trouble" is a mother-in-law with a twin sister.

“Some people are so poor, all they have is money”
-Bob Marley

— Месье Кац, скажите, какая у вас самая большая мечта?
— Иметь столько денег, чтобы хватило на большой пароход.
— Месье Кац, скажите, а зачем вам большой пароход?
— Пароход мне не нужен, мне нужно столько денег.

Have you ever heard of Honeymoon Salad?
It's lettuce alone with no dressing...

Our orthodontics professor didn’t gum to class today, so we braced ourselves for a substi•tooth teacher.

Have you ever noticed that every town is named after their water tower?

You know.....
When you're drinking beer,
The beer is getting drunk too!
🤔

Anything not about elephants is irrelephant.

When God told Adam he was gonna make another human using a piece of his body, Adam said, 'You're just ribbing me, right?

Every time I see a label on something that says Non-Flammable, the little voice inside my head goes... Challenge Accepted!

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Q:Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A:Because he Neverlands.

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Due to the current economic situation, I've decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It's not my full time job.
I'm just doing it to make hens meet.

I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line.
I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender what is the worst joke he has ever heard...and the bartender told him this....a woman put an add in the personal page asking for the perfect man...she describes him as this. .he must not beat me he must never leave and most importantly he must have a big dick...after receiving many replies...one day she hears the door bell ring..when she answers the door there is a man sitting in a wheelchair. He has no arms or legs.she askes him can i help you???he says i'm here to answer your add...she says i don't think you are what i'm looking for...he says what do you mean??? I have no arms so i can't beat you and i have no legs so i could never leave you...and she says well what about the other qualification i had in my add???he says well how do you think i rang the doorbell???

Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? Something inside me says yes.

How about appointing a plumber to Secretary of the Treasury? We've got to do something about all the money going down the drain.

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block."

Apparently my uncle has died and left me a large house. Does anyone know where Bugger Hall might be ?

While heading to the heart of the city, we noticed highway workers doing bypass surgery.

I don’t have much of a pun about boxing, since it still needs a punch line.

My wife and I met on a website for dolphin impersonators.
We clicked straight away.

I'm having frozen eggs for breakfast. They’re hard to beat.

If you had the choice of a Happy marriage or a Jaguar what would you choose Petrol or diesel?

Toll Booths are nothing but Bill Gates.

I finally found out why there are no knock-knock jokes about America.
It’s because freedom rings.

Our anniversary is coming up and my wife’s been leaving jewelry catalogues everywhere.
So I took the hint and bought her a magazine rack.

Q: How does Batman drink his Whiskey ???
A: With Just Ice.

I caught my son chewing ln electrical cords
So I had to ground him
Hes doing better currently
And conducting himself properly ...

I saw an advert on tv for coconut shampoo !
Who on earth would want to wash a coconut? 🤔

Do you think centaurs have good horsemanship skills?

Two women sat in the cinema, one turns to the other and whispers "this bloke sat next to me is having a wank", her friend says "omg, let's move seats", her friend says "I can't, he's using my hand"!

The local gang of gymnasts have been arrested for some assaults.

Q:Why do chicken coups have only 2 doors?
A:Because if they had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Q: What type of music should you listen to when you're fishing?
A: Something catchy!

My Grandad died in a washing machine.
At least he died in comfort.

I lost my mood ring, I don't know how to feel about it!

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop it a line!

one atom says "oh, no; I've lost an electron"
"are you sure?" asks another
the first one answers, "I'm positive".

I submitted ten puns to a pun competition hoping atleast one would win.

But no pun in ten did.

Q:What did the cross-eyed teacher say?
A:I can't control my pupils!

I heard in the news someone stole the wheels off all the police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

A coworker named Celsius recently quit, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp.

Dad: Knock Knock!
Son: Who’s that?
Dad: Yomo!
Son: Yomo who?
Dad: Yomo da fucker!

Q: What city has the largest rodent population?
A: Hamsterdam.

If a window fell out of Buckingham Palace and hit your bottom, would that be a...

Royal pane in the ass??
♔♕

Q:What do you call a bee hive with no exits?
A:Unbeeleaveable.

Just discovered a mountain of gold! If it pans out, it’s all mine.

Dad: Pete and Repete went for a swim. Pete was drowned. Who was left?

Child: Repete

Dad: Ok. Pete and Repete went for a swim....

The little ink drop was sad. It cried because he found out his mother was in the pen and he didn’t know how long her sentence was going to be.

I wanted to date an anthropologist but she had too many bones in her closet.

If a man has sex with a prostitute whilst she's sleeping, is that rape or shoplifting 🤔😂🤣

yeah sex is cool and all but have you ever written a script that worked perfectly on your first try?

What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on their face and the other has their face on a bill.

Who was the biggest joker in George Washington’s army?
Laugh-ayette.

Have you ever used a telescope before? If not, you should really look into it.

A buglar was in a dark room when he heard a voice say :
- Jesus is watching you.
He shone his torch round and saw a parrot who said
jesus is watching you.
- what your name ? asked the buglar.
- Moses, came the reply.
- What kind of owner calls a parrot Moses ?
- The same ones who called the Rottweiler Jesus.

I was thinking about a new career as a painter and decorator but there's an awful lot I need to brush up on.

If strippers are called exotic dancers then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacists.

- Истина - в вине...
- В чьей?
- Ты с юридического?
- Да. А как ты догадался???

Q: at a party, where are you most likely to find a comedian?
A: at the punch line.

I was gunna buy some tea off Amazon... but the price was too steep...

A lady goes to her priest one day & tells him:
''Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.''
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
They say, ''Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?''
''That's obscene!'' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
"You know,'' he said, ''I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, & we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, & your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.''
''Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.''
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads & praying...
Impressed, She walked over & placed her parrots in the cage with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot & says...
'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered !!!

You said everything would be back to normal after June.
JULYED.

Why is Spongebob the main character if Patrick is obviously the Star?

— Ха-ха, я украл твои мысли!
— Не знаю что и думать теперь.