Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call a member of law enforcement who likes to show people his skills on the Guitar?
A share riff.

He wears glasses during math because it improves division.

Joe submitted his idea for a pencil with erasers on both ends but the manufacturers declined and thought it was pointless.

I watched a pirate copy of Bohemian Rhapsody. I think it was filmed in the cinema.
I saw a little silhouetto of a man.

As a Funeral Director, I’ll either be the last to let you down or give you the smoking hot body you always wanted.

My mind is like my internet browser.
At least 19 open tabs..3 are frozen & I have no idea where the music is coming from.

The first rule of "Condescending Club” is really kinda complex and I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you.

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99' ".
The guy obeys and says, "99".
The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while repeating the check, take a deep breath and say, '99".
Again, the guy says, '99'."
The doctor said,"Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand, I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.
The guy begins, "One ... Two ...Three"

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a
duck.

Somebody stole my car tyres.
Now it's not working, it must be retired.

Just found out my stuttering cousin died in prison. He didn't even get to finish his sentence.

Q:What if you hit your alarm clock one morning and it hit you back?
A:That would be alarming.

Q:How do you greet a German Barber?
A: good morning Herr dresser.

I didn't know Sylvester Stallone is on his third marriage...i guess the first one was rocky and the second one was Rocky too.

My wife screamed at me “you haven’t listened to a word I’ve said”.
What a strange way to start a conversation.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.
Now, I have this weird axe scent.

I've just had a bloke knock on my door asking me to sign the organ donor register. I thought, there's a man after my own heart!

"I tried eating uranium, but it made me feel funny.", Tom said radiantly.

Q:Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
A:Because calling him Master Vader made all the stormtroopers giggle.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

Bullets only do their job after they’re fired.

I bought a new calculator the other day, the + button seems to be missing,
It just doesn’t add up.

So this guy tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that was the last thing I needed.

I understand how cars work.
Aeroplanes are way over my head.

My mate went to a fancy dress party dressed as a bank vault.
"Thought you were going as an apology” I said.
He replied "Yeah, I decided it's better to be safe than sorry".

If you have ever sat in the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

I want to start a band called The Ceiling.
Everyone who likes us will be Ceiling Fans.

I surprised my milkman by appearing naked at the door. He wanted to know how I knew where he lived.

I saw my ex wife from across the hall in a museum. I was too self conscious to say hello. I mean there was all this history between us.

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex." The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep. The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!." The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

53.8% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A male snake charmer married a female undertaker.
Their bath towels read "Hiss" and "Hearse".

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving is not for you.

If you put toppings on ice cream, and it melts, and they drop to the bottom, are they still toppings or are they now droppings?

Is “Otorhinolaryngologist” the most difficult word to pronounce in the English language?
It’s hard to say.

The Bible tells you to love one another. The Kama Sutra is a lot more specific.

I was going to tell you a joke about cows.

But I bet you've already herd it.

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight its because you are drunk.

Everytime you feel yourself getting pulled into other peoples drama, repeat these words:
NOT MY CIRCUS~NOT MY MONKEYS!

There's a new thieve who wears a hood.
He's Robbin every shop .

We have hired a woman named Helen Wate to deal with all the sooks & haterz If you have a complaint....go to HELEN WATE!

I Before E.
Except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.
Weird.

Why are men most intelligent whilst having sex..
Because there plugged into a fucking know it all..

The sentence 'Don't believe everything you read on the Internet' is the same backwards.

I'm thinking of buying a villa in the south of France... I've got nothing Toulouse.

What's Bruce Lees favorite sandwich?
A WHOPPA!!!!

What does a lazy tailor say?
Suit yourself.

My motherboard died some days ago, oh all the great memories. Rest in PC.

Sam was told not to sing. But Samsung anyway.

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

A flea and a fly in a flue were imprisoned; so what could they do? Said the flea let us fly, said the fly let us flee. So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

I'm conducting online knitting classes from my bathroom.
I shit, you knot.

A mother who makes a match for her daughter usually intends to referee it as well.

I can't believe...I got fired from a calendar factory. All I did was take a day..off

Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back, and instead of bleeding he sings.

"Double trouble" is a mother-in-law with a twin sister.

“Some people are so poor, all they have is money”
-Bob Marley

— Месье Кац, скажите, какая у вас самая большая мечта?
— Иметь столько денег, чтобы хватило на большой пароход.
— Месье Кац, скажите, а зачем вам большой пароход?
— Пароход мне не нужен, мне нужно столько денег.

Have you ever heard of Honeymoon Salad?
It's lettuce alone with no dressing...

Our orthodontics professor didn’t gum to class today, so we braced ourselves for a substi•tooth teacher.

Have you ever noticed that every town is named after their water tower?

You know.....
When you're drinking beer,
The beer is getting drunk too!
🤔

Anything not about elephants is irrelephant.

When God told Adam he was gonna make another human using a piece of his body, Adam said, 'You're just ribbing me, right?

Every time I see a label on something that says Non-Flammable, the little voice inside my head goes... Challenge Accepted!

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Q:Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A:Because he Neverlands.

A blonde drops off her dress to the dry cleaners
The lady says, "Come Again!"
The blonde says, "No, it's toothpaste this time."

Due to the current economic situation, I've decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It's not my full time job.
I'm just doing it to make hens meet.

I saw my neighbour stealing my socks off my washing line.
I was going to confront him but I got cold feet.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender what is the worst joke he has ever heard...and the bartender told him this....a woman put an add in the personal page asking for the perfect man...she describes him as this. .he must not beat me he must never leave and most importantly he must have a big dick...after receiving many replies...one day she hears the door bell ring..when she answers the door there is a man sitting in a wheelchair. He has no arms or legs.she askes him can i help you???he says i'm here to answer your add...she says i don't think you are what i'm looking for...he says what do you mean??? I have no arms so i can't beat you and i have no legs so i could never leave you...and she says well what about the other qualification i had in my add???he says well how do you think i rang the doorbell???

Is my Thai girlfriend really a guy? Something inside me says yes.

How about appointing a plumber to Secretary of the Treasury? We've got to do something about all the money going down the drain.

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block."

Apparently my uncle has died and left me a large house. Does anyone know where Bugger Hall might be ?

While heading to the heart of the city, we noticed highway workers doing bypass surgery.

I don’t have much of a pun about boxing, since it still needs a punch line.

My wife and I met on a website for dolphin impersonators.
We clicked straight away.

I'm having frozen eggs for breakfast. They’re hard to beat.

If you had the choice of a Happy marriage or a Jaguar what would you choose Petrol or diesel?