Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Pls can I actually become a doctor by showing hospitality to people ?

— Фима, почему ты сегодня такой холодный?
— Ша, Роза! Тихо! Ты таки просто схватилась за эскимо!

I had a dog with no legs, called him cigarette.
Because I took him out every night for a drag.

I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum. Now I think I
have a percussion.

Sometimes you just meet someone and know instantly you want to spend your entire life
without them !

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.

What's do you see when you look down a mole hole.... molasses.

The economy is so bad:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Penguins are always Cool.

When the zookeeper announced that the Boa Constrictors had escaped, the visitors became hiss-terical!

I was in a band called Dusk
We were on before the The Darkness.

If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with food, rent, or bills for the next 10 years regardless of your success.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face........

Q:What do Bakers wear on their feet?
A:Loafers.

Why did Sally fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock, whos there??
Not Sally.

Kids these days never heard of Linkin Park.. I would explain who they were but eh, it doesn’t even matter.

Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?

It's too high a price 'toupee.'

I couldn't work out how the seat belt worked.
Then it just clicked.

Why did the hipster burn her tongue? She sipped her coffee before it was cool.

A butcher once bet me I couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.... but the steaks were to high 😉🤣

Went into the shop today and asked for a packet of Helicopter crisps
The shop keeper said sorry we don't sell that flavour so I asked for plain.

I've given up on DIY. Drilling holes is boring......

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

My wife told me to get our 8 year old ready to go back to school.

So I punched him and took all his lunch money.

Anybody on here with knowledge regarding noisy dishwasher? I've tried flowers, chocolates and wine and she's still moaning.

I joined a dating agency in Ukraine.
Now I have a
chick in Kiev.

Irish they’d use birth control in Ireland. Lass time I checked their population was Dublin.

4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .

A woman once asked me what is was like to have a penis.
I said " it's hard sometimes".

Micropenis anonymous has been canceled due to small attendance.

Two cell towers were married yesterday
The reception was amazing!

Dad: Son did you hear about the kidnapping at the school.??
Son: No what happened!
Dad: The teacher woke him up.

The inch worm was upset because his wife said that he didn't measure up in bed.

— Мужчины вечно обещают перевернуть горы ради женщины!
— И шо?
— Фира, Вы хоть раз видели перевёрнутую гору?

I went to the doctors today with a throbbing headache. He asked “what have you been doing”. I replied “I have been having pillow fights with my grandchildren. After he examined me he said “ you have got con cushion.

Q:What do they call a french guy who is electrocuted?
A:A french fry.

Q:What do you call a donkey that takes Viagra ?
A:A hard ass.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Don't you hate it at the airport when everyone has got better looking luggage than you?
It's a worst case scenario.

За каждым нервным тиком прячется увлекательная история.

A piece of string walks into a bar.
Before he sits down the bartender yells “Hey! We don’t serve pieces of string like you!”
The piece of string goes outside, ties himself in a bow, and rolls around on the ground for a bit. Then he gets up, goes back into the bar, and sits down.
The bartender says “Aren’t you that piece of string?” The string replies “No. I’m a frayed knot.”

How do physicists measure lumber?
Planck length.

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.

I really want to buy an electric hair trimmer.
But I don't have electric hair.

- Сколько раз я тебе говорила, что нельзя быть таким дотошным?!
- Семь.

Scratch & Sniff, Inc. got nailed from fewer odors. Their business no longer makes scents.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...
...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in artificial intelligence?
Alexus.

Guy got his luxury car t-boned in an accident.
Suppose he saw how the Mercedes-Benz.

Before I met my wife.
I thought an itchyfanny was a Japanese
motor bike.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

My mates say I'm tight, so I bought them a beer...... turns out they wanted one each.

It's said
"Your nose is running"
But your
"Your feet are smelling".

I'm such a believer in reincarnation in my will I've left everything to myself.

“Every great cause begins as a movement, becomes a business, and eventually degenerates into a racket.”
― Eric Hoffer

You wanna make your water bed more bouncy?....add spring water.

I have a condition where I tell bad airport jokes.
The doctor says its terminal.

Q:What do you call a fat psychic
A:"A...four...chin...teller"

I just retired from 30 years of being a trampoline salesman. Looking back, there's been so many ups and downs.

I had a dream last night I was weightless
Then I went like 0mg ...

Just had two Police Officers at my door!
They said; “Are you familiar with the letters HB?”
I replied, “No, I’m not.”
“How about LS?”
“No.”
“What about JD?”
I asked, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?”
The police officers said, “No, these are just initial enquires.”

She's YOUR girlfriend but the Y is silent when you gone👀

Trees are relieved when Spring comes.

I think my cell phone is broken. I pressed the home button Buh I'm still in the office.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes...
None of them work.

A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay
So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive”
Kevin replies “huge”
Then the bloke says “how many feet”
Kevin says “none its a snake you twat”

I bought a penis enlargement treatment on Amazon, just haven't figured out how the magnifying glass is supposed to help.

Never Piss Off Amazon. They know where you live.

This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator”.
I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow.

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus from Amazon that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Had to contact amazon, my sex toy wasnt delivered by drone.
They said they dont give a flying fuck.

I bought the president of Brazil an Apple TV for the holiday.
And all he got me was an Amazon fire.

I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only received paper, pen, bindings and glue.

I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon.
It teaches how to cook books.

I had to report my stolen amazon package.
The police are still looking for a prime suspect.

Has anyone noticed before the Amazon rainforest caught fire, Amazon the company made a product called the "Kindle"?

I bought a scarecrow and even though it didn’t scare any crows , I still had to give it a great review on Amazon.
Because it was just out standing.

Have you heard the news about the Amazon rainforest?
It’s spreading like wildfire.

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits
Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences.

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.