Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Toll Booths are nothing but Bill Gates.

I finally found out why there are no knock-knock jokes about America.
It’s because freedom rings.

Our anniversary is coming up and my wife’s been leaving jewelry catalogues everywhere.
So I took the hint and bought her a magazine rack.

Q: How does Batman drink his Whiskey ???
A: With Just Ice.

I caught my son chewing ln electrical cords
So I had to ground him
Hes doing better currently
And conducting himself properly ...

I saw an advert on tv for coconut shampoo !
Who on earth would want to wash a coconut? 🤔

Do you think centaurs have good horsemanship skills?

Two women sat in the cinema, one turns to the other and whispers "this bloke sat next to me is having a wank", her friend says "omg, let's move seats", her friend says "I can't, he's using my hand"!

The local gang of gymnasts have been arrested for some assaults.

Q:Why do chicken coups have only 2 doors?
A:Because if they had 4 doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Q: What type of music should you listen to when you're fishing?
A: Something catchy!

My Grandad died in a washing machine.
At least he died in comfort.

I lost my mood ring, I don't know how to feel about it!

The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop it a line!

one atom says "oh, no; I've lost an electron"
"are you sure?" asks another
the first one answers, "I'm positive".

I submitted ten puns to a pun competition hoping atleast one would win.

But no pun in ten did.

Q:What did the cross-eyed teacher say?
A:I can't control my pupils!

I heard in the news someone stole the wheels off all the police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

A coworker named Celsius recently quit, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp.

Dad: Knock Knock!
Son: Who’s that?
Dad: Yomo!
Son: Yomo who?
Dad: Yomo da fucker!

Q: What city has the largest rodent population?
A: Hamsterdam.

If a window fell out of Buckingham Palace and hit your bottom, would that be a...

Royal pane in the ass??
♔♕

Q:What do you call a bee hive with no exits?
A:Unbeeleaveable.

Just discovered a mountain of gold! If it pans out, it’s all mine.

Dad: Pete and Repete went for a swim. Pete was drowned. Who was left?

Child: Repete

Dad: Ok. Pete and Repete went for a swim....

The little ink drop was sad. It cried because he found out his mother was in the pen and he didn’t know how long her sentence was going to be.

I wanted to date an anthropologist but she had too many bones in her closet.

If a man has sex with a prostitute whilst she's sleeping, is that rape or shoplifting 🤔😂🤣

yeah sex is cool and all but have you ever written a script that worked perfectly on your first try?

What’s the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on their face and the other has their face on a bill.

Who was the biggest joker in George Washington’s army?
Laugh-ayette.

Have you ever used a telescope before? If not, you should really look into it.

A buglar was in a dark room when he heard a voice say :
- Jesus is watching you.
He shone his torch round and saw a parrot who said
jesus is watching you.
- what your name ? asked the buglar.
- Moses, came the reply.
- What kind of owner calls a parrot Moses ?
- The same ones who called the Rottweiler Jesus.

I was thinking about a new career as a painter and decorator but there's an awful lot I need to brush up on.

If strippers are called exotic dancers then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacists.

- Истина - в вине...
- В чьей?
- Ты с юридического?
- Да. А как ты догадался???

Q: at a party, where are you most likely to find a comedian?
A: at the punch line.

I was gunna buy some tea off Amazon... but the price was too steep...

A lady goes to her priest one day & tells him:
''Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.''
"What do they say?" the priest asked.
They say, ''Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?''
''That's obscene!'' the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment......
"You know,'' he said, ''I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...
Bring your two parrots over to my house, & we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, & your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.''
''Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.''
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads & praying...
Impressed, She walked over & placed her parrots in the cage with them...
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence...
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot & says...
'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered !!!

You said everything would be back to normal after June.
JULYED.

Why is Spongebob the main character if Patrick is obviously the Star?

— Ха-ха, я украл твои мысли!
— Не знаю что и думать теперь.

I have the ability to guess what’s inside a wrapped present.

It’s a gift.

Just joined a reggae band playing the triangle
I just stand there doin my ting.

Q: What dogs do you find in a hotdogs?
A: Inbreds.

Pls can I actually become a doctor by showing hospitality to people ?

— Фима, почему ты сегодня такой холодный?
— Ша, Роза! Тихо! Ты таки просто схватилась за эскимо!

I had a dog with no legs, called him cigarette.
Because I took him out every night for a drag.

I tripped and hit my head on a snare drum. Now I think I
have a percussion.

Sometimes you just meet someone and know instantly you want to spend your entire life
without them !

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
In case they get a hole in one.

What's do you see when you look down a mole hole.... molasses.

The economy is so bad:
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Penguins are always Cool.

When the zookeeper announced that the Boa Constrictors had escaped, the visitors became hiss-terical!

I was in a band called Dusk
We were on before the The Darkness.

If you attempt to rob a bank, you will have no trouble with food, rent, or bills for the next 10 years regardless of your success.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.
And then I saw her face........

Q:What do Bakers wear on their feet?
A:Loafers.

Why did Sally fall off the swings?
Because she had no arms.
Knock knock, whos there??
Not Sally.

Kids these days never heard of Linkin Park.. I would explain who they were but eh, it doesn’t even matter.

Why shouldn't you visit an expensive wig shop?

It's too high a price 'toupee.'

I couldn't work out how the seat belt worked.
Then it just clicked.

Why did the hipster burn her tongue? She sipped her coffee before it was cool.

A butcher once bet me I couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.... but the steaks were to high 😉🤣

Went into the shop today and asked for a packet of Helicopter crisps
The shop keeper said sorry we don't sell that flavour so I asked for plain.

I've given up on DIY. Drilling holes is boring......

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

My wife told me to get our 8 year old ready to go back to school.

So I punched him and took all his lunch money.

Anybody on here with knowledge regarding noisy dishwasher? I've tried flowers, chocolates and wine and she's still moaning.

I joined a dating agency in Ukraine.
Now I have a
chick in Kiev.

Irish they’d use birth control in Ireland. Lass time I checked their population was Dublin.

4 friends meet 30 years after school. One goes to the toilet, while the other 3 start to talk about how successful their sons became.
No. 1 says his son studied economics became a banker and is so rich he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
No. 2 said his son became a pilot, started his own airline, became so rich he gave his best friend a jet.
No. 3 said his son became an engineer started his own development company, became so rich he build his best friend a castle.
No. 4 came back from toilet and asks what the buzz is about. They told him they were talking about how successful their sons became and ask him about his son. He said his son is gay and is a stripper at a gay bar. Other 3 said he must be very disappointed with his son for not becoming successful.
Oh no, said the father, he is doing good. Last week was his birthday and he got a Ferrari, a jet and a castle from 3 of his boyfriends .

A woman once asked me what is was like to have a penis.
I said " it's hard sometimes".

Micropenis anonymous has been canceled due to small attendance.

Two cell towers were married yesterday
The reception was amazing!

Dad: Son did you hear about the kidnapping at the school.??
Son: No what happened!
Dad: The teacher woke him up.

The inch worm was upset because his wife said that he didn't measure up in bed.

— Мужчины вечно обещают перевернуть горы ради женщины!
— И шо?
— Фира, Вы хоть раз видели перевёрнутую гору?

I went to the doctors today with a throbbing headache. He asked “what have you been doing”. I replied “I have been having pillow fights with my grandchildren. After he examined me he said “ you have got con cushion.