Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I tried ordering fishing gear on amazon, but it was a scam.
Oh my Rod, it was Click Bait!

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.
After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

When an Amazon employee is on maternity leave...
Are they out for delivery?

Despite its bad review I bough this vacuum cleaner from Amazon. It sucks.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates

Q: What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
A: Amazon kindle.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”
The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”
Not paying much attetion, the man says, “Sure, ok.”
So he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God” and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
“Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!”
Finally he remembers, “Amen!!”
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God.”

To the person who stole my shoes
When I was
on the bouncy castle...
GROW UP!!!!

Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm!

And so Atheist cant solve an exponential equation...😏 They dont believe in high power😇

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Grandad!
Shoot stop the funeral!

Sad news yesterday, the chap who invented predictive text has passed away.
His funfair is next monkey.

Went into a wig shop and asked the lady if the wigs are free, or if I have toupee.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet,
You can hide but you can’t run.

Lava is the hipster of geology. It knew how to rock before it was cool.

It should not be surprising that some train engineers are a little crazy. They have locomotives.

Q:How do you get a nun pregnant?
A:Have an altar boy fart in her.

“I’m going to take a shower”
“Make sure you put it back when you’re done!”

More than half of the word 'Assassinate' is 'Ass'.

Had to reset my password. Minimum eight characters.
I chose Snow White and the seven dwarfs.

"Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You’re a sandwich!'”

I became really emotional at the petrol pump today.
I don't know why but I just started filling up...

Myself and my wife have decided we don’t want kids,
We’re going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Q: 2+2= your girlfriend... know why?
A: Cause she's 4 everyone.

If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage tan or cos ?

Q: What does a duck do when it watches porn ?
A: Quack off.

Me...."I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 cents"...
Wife.... "That's Ludacris, how Kanye West your money like that?"

What does my wife do for a living you ask?
It’s difficult to say.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

How did the farmer catch his wife?

He tractor down.

Masks are like condoms. If you're wearing it, you can come inside.

My friend told me that he doesn't know what cloning machines do.
I told him that makes two of us...

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dadglasses?

She refused to pay her septic tank bill. So, rather than dumping her, they decided to sewer.

Just finished writing a book on penguins.
With hindsight I should have written it on paper

My new year’s resolution was to get in shape.
I chose round.

My wife is acting really childishly.
Last night she came into the bathroom and sank my boats.

I have an inferiority complex but it’s not as good as other people’s.

Whiteboards are so remarkable!

In pre-Islamic days, female rabbits lived in a hare•m.

Q:Why was the computer late to work?
A:Because it had a hard drive.

If a vegetarian starts eating meat, do they lose their veg-inity?

I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went.
It finally dawned on me.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

How can you tell if someone is Vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you...

I’m in the early stages of writing a book about hurricanes and tornados.
It’s just a draft at the moment.

Париж. Вечер. Турист проголодался, заходит в бар, к нему подходит официант:
— Мсье желает девочку?
— Нет…
— Мсье желает мальчика?
— Да нет…
— Чего желает мсье?
— Мне бы курочку…
— О! Мсье знает толк в извращениях!

Если смотреть на Эйфелеву башню сзади, то можно подумать, что смотришь на нее спереди.

I have the memory of an elephant!
I went to the Zoo when I was 9 and saw an elephant.
I remember it.

- Однажды я застрял на необитаемом острове. После долгих дней голода и одиночества услышал шум приближающегося самолёта. Я тут же сложил из хвороста слово "СПАСИТЕ" и поджог его.....
- И что? Тебя спасли летчики?
- Нет. Буква "П" не загорелась...

Who was the first farmer to pull a cows udder and thought Mmmm l think l will drink that.

Q: Why did the lumberjack's truck stop?
A: To let the lumber jack off.

She said she wants to go with me, I said "Go with you where?", she said 'out'. I said, " I'm a candle, I'll go out if you blow me"

I had this serious medical condition when I was young, where I had to eat soil 3 times a day just to stay alive.
I’m lucky my older brother told me about it really.

The doctor put me on a crash diet, saying don’t eat anything fatty.
For clarification I asked, by fatty do you mean pies, fries, burgers etc?
He said, no what I mean is, fatty don’t eat anything!

A 747 had a bad Landing this morning, bouncing down the runway. Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

I managed to build a car completely from washing machine parts!
Tomorrow I’m taking it for a spin.

Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine,

It was about a weak back.

BEWARE
of pointless warnings

What do you call a turtle that lost its shell?
Homeless looking for shelter!

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. It's Dublin every day.

My wife left me because she says I'm too old fashioned.
I'll wager a shilling she's courting a chap who's a scoundrel.

What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30
(Tooth hurty)

When the Army barracks bathroom is in use, it's usually by the loo tenant.

If desperate times breed desperate wordplay, we need to prepare for a Pundemic !

I invested in commercial fishing hoping for some net gains. We shall sea.

Opening a high-end Halloween shop, a Bootique.

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?
Sea kelp!

Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..

Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our marital bed..
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."

"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."

Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..

She didn't get the email"

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March.......

My best friend ran away with my wife..
..it's only been three days and I really miss him.

After you Finnish a difficult task, Denmark it on your calendar. There's Norway you want to forget the Swede feeling of success.

"How to date a feminist girl?
Step one: Don't"

What dog does Dracula own?

A Blood Hound.

Why don't we tell a secret in a farm?
Cos corns have ears.

A large petroleum giant has found a way to turn insect urine into a petrol alternative.
I think it's BP

Video's just been given parole. Radio Star's family are said to be livid.

If animals don’t want to be eaten, then why are they made out of food.