Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Q:What do they call a french guy who is electrocuted?
A:A french fry.

Q:What do you call a donkey that takes Viagra ?
A:A hard ass.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Don't you hate it at the airport when everyone has got better looking luggage than you?
It's a worst case scenario.

За каждым нервным тиком прячется увлекательная история.

A piece of string walks into a bar.
Before he sits down the bartender yells “Hey! We don’t serve pieces of string like you!”
The piece of string goes outside, ties himself in a bow, and rolls around on the ground for a bit. Then he gets up, goes back into the bar, and sits down.
The bartender says “Aren’t you that piece of string?” The string replies “No. I’m a frayed knot.”

How do physicists measure lumber?
Planck length.

Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.

I really want to buy an electric hair trimmer.
But I don't have electric hair.

- Сколько раз я тебе говорила, что нельзя быть таким дотошным?!
- Семь.

Scratch & Sniff, Inc. got nailed from fewer odors. Their business no longer makes scents.

You can tell Monopoly is an old game...
...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

What do you call a luxury automobile with a built in artificial intelligence?
Alexus.

Guy got his luxury car t-boned in an accident.
Suppose he saw how the Mercedes-Benz.

Before I met my wife.
I thought an itchyfanny was a Japanese
motor bike.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

My mates say I'm tight, so I bought them a beer...... turns out they wanted one each.

It's said
"Your nose is running"
But your
"Your feet are smelling".

I'm such a believer in reincarnation in my will I've left everything to myself.

“Every great cause begins as a movement, becomes a business, and eventually degenerates into a racket.”
― Eric Hoffer

You wanna make your water bed more bouncy?....add spring water.

I have a condition where I tell bad airport jokes.
The doctor says its terminal.

Q:What do you call a fat psychic
A:"A...four...chin...teller"

I just retired from 30 years of being a trampoline salesman. Looking back, there's been so many ups and downs.

I had a dream last night I was weightless
Then I went like 0mg ...

Just had two Police Officers at my door!
They said; “Are you familiar with the letters HB?”
I replied, “No, I’m not.”
“How about LS?”
“No.”
“What about JD?”
I asked, “Hang on a minute, am I a suspect or something?”
The police officers said, “No, these are just initial enquires.”

She's YOUR girlfriend but the Y is silent when you gone👀

Trees are relieved when Spring comes.

I think my cell phone is broken. I pressed the home button Buh I'm still in the office.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes...
None of them work.

A man called Kevin is selling his python on ebay
So some bloke rang him up and said “is it massive”
Kevin replies “huge”
Then the bloke says “how many feet”
Kevin says “none its a snake you twat”

I bought a penis enlargement treatment on Amazon, just haven't figured out how the magnifying glass is supposed to help.

Never Piss Off Amazon. They know where you live.

This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator”.
I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow.

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus from Amazon that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Had to contact amazon, my sex toy wasnt delivered by drone.
They said they dont give a flying fuck.

I bought the president of Brazil an Apple TV for the holiday.
And all he got me was an Amazon fire.

I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only received paper, pen, bindings and glue.

I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon.
It teaches how to cook books.

I had to report my stolen amazon package.
The police are still looking for a prime suspect.

Has anyone noticed before the Amazon rainforest caught fire, Amazon the company made a product called the "Kindle"?

I bought a scarecrow and even though it didn’t scare any crows , I still had to give it a great review on Amazon.
Because it was just out standing.

Have you heard the news about the Amazon rainforest?
It’s spreading like wildfire.

For weeks now Amazon has been sending me suggestions for random biscuits
Finally I logged in and updated my cookie preferences.

After buying a new sail for my boat, Amazon told me it's too late to cancel my order.
That sail has shipped.

Q:What’s the number one item shipped by amazon?
A:Cardboard boxes.

I tried ordering fishing gear on amazon, but it was a scam.
Oh my Rod, it was Click Bait!

Don't order hay for your horse off Amazon.
After a couple of days they'll ask for your feed back.

When an Amazon employee is on maternity leave...
Are they out for delivery?

Despite its bad review I bough this vacuum cleaner from Amazon. It sucks.

Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account? They were prime mates

Q: What did they use to set off the amazon warehouse fire?
A: Amazon kindle.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

There’s this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, “Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?”
The missionary says, “Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say ‘Thank God’ to make it go and ‘Amen’ to make it stop.”
Not paying much attetion, the man says, “Sure, ok.”
So he gets on the horse and says, “Thank God” and the horse starts walking. Then he says, “Thank God, thank God,” and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, “Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God” and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he’s doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
“Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!”
Finally he remembers, “Amen!!”
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, “Thank God.”

To the person who stole my shoes
When I was
on the bouncy castle...
GROW UP!!!!

Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm!

And so Atheist cant solve an exponential equation...😏 They dont believe in high power😇

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Grandad!
Shoot stop the funeral!

Sad news yesterday, the chap who invented predictive text has passed away.
His funfair is next monkey.

Went into a wig shop and asked the lady if the wigs are free, or if I have toupee.

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet,
You can hide but you can’t run.

Lava is the hipster of geology. It knew how to rock before it was cool.

It should not be surprising that some train engineers are a little crazy. They have locomotives.

Q:How do you get a nun pregnant?
A:Have an altar boy fart in her.

“I’m going to take a shower”
“Make sure you put it back when you’re done!”

More than half of the word 'Assassinate' is 'Ass'.

Had to reset my password. Minimum eight characters.
I chose Snow White and the seven dwarfs.

"Me: 'Dad, make me a sandwich!' Dad: 'Poof, You’re a sandwich!'”

I became really emotional at the petrol pump today.
I don't know why but I just started filling up...

Myself and my wife have decided we don’t want kids,
We’re going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Q: 2+2= your girlfriend... know why?
A: Cause she's 4 everyone.

If sex before marriage is a sin, is sex after marriage tan or cos ?

Q: What does a duck do when it watches porn ?
A: Quack off.

Me...."I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 cents"...
Wife.... "That's Ludacris, how Kanye West your money like that?"

What does my wife do for a living you ask?
It’s difficult to say.
She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

How did the farmer catch his wife?

He tractor down.

Masks are like condoms. If you're wearing it, you can come inside.

My friend told me that he doesn't know what cloning machines do.
I told him that makes two of us...

“Hey Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?”
“No son, have you seen my dadglasses?

She refused to pay her septic tank bill. So, rather than dumping her, they decided to sewer.