Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Would spellcheck spell cheque cheque or would spellcheck spell cheque check??
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- Граф, а почему вы арбуз не кушаете?
- Да ну иво, ухи пачкает!

I had the best ice pun to tell you all but the problem is...
it slipped my mind!

"I was caught stealing in Iran.", Tom said offhandedly.

I could never be a taxi-driver... I hate people talking behind my back.

What do you call a pig with three eyes...
Piiig.

Sign on a music store window: 'Come in and pick out a drum -- then beat it!’

I was going to write a pun about an itch. But while trying to finger it out, it got scratched.

I started singing and was arrested for delinquency to a minor, ... Major,diminished and augmented

Kid goes to his mum , “ mummy , where do i come from ?

the mum panics , thinks quick and replies

“ the stork brought you johnny “

and he goes

“ oh yeah , we’ll who fucks the stork then “ ?

A girl asks her mom, "What's a blowjob?"
The mom replies, "Fifty bucks".

I accidentally cut my wrist at work today... so I put my watch on covering the cut because time heals all wounds.

What’s the difference between a bike, tuna, and glue?
You can tuna bike, but you can’t bike a tuna.
Still thinking about the glue?? See, I knew you would get stuck there.

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but I always think the flag is a big plus.

My friend was rushed to hospital after swallowing 8 plastic toy horses.
He’s now stable.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they re-possessed her.

Did you know that clouds rule the skies? Look at the way they rain.

What did the door said to the other door on a date?
You're a-door-able.

It's rare that I see a steak pun well done.

I wear a mask because the Bible says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife".

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
“With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

I KNOW I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THIS, BUT I AM 83 YEARS OLD AND I WAS IN THE MCDONALD’S DRIVE-THROUGH THIS MORNING AND THE YOUNG LADY BEHIND ME LEANED ON HER HORN AND STARTED MOUTHING SOMETHING BECAUSE I WAS TAKING TOO LONG TO PLACE MY ORDER. SO WHEN I GOT TO THE FIRST WINDOW I PAID FOR HER ORDER ALONG WITH MY OWN. THE CASHIER MUST HAVE TOLD HER WHAT I'D DONE, BECAUSE AS WE MOVED UP SHE LEANED OUT HER WINDOW AND WAVED TO ME AND MOUTHED "THANK YOU.", OBVIOUSLY EMBARRASSED THAT I HAD REPAID HER RUDENESS WITH KINDNESS. WHEN I GOT TO THE SECOND WINDOW I SHOWED THEM BOTH RECEIPTS AND TOOK HER FOOD TOO. NOW SHE HAS TO GO BACK TO THE END OF THE QUEUE AND START ALL OVER AGAIN,
DON'T BLOW YOUR HORN AT OLD PEOPLE, THEY HAVE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME.

I wanted to take home the left-overs from the BBQ, but someone else foiled my plans.

Watched a documentary about beavers.
Best dam show I’ve seen.

There's a gang going though our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order.
Police believe they're still at large.

How do you make a snooker table laugh?
Put your hands in its pocket and tickle it's balls

One man met a gal at the local gym. They started dating and I hope it works out.

Lingerie salespersons never die, they just slip away.

Goodnight ladies, be good, if you can't be good come and see me.

I explained to the group that I couldn’t help them dig for water because I’m not a well man.

I’VE GOT A PHOBIA OF OVER-ENGINEERED BUILDINGS.
It’s a complex complex complex.

I made a pencil with two erasers.
It was pointless.

After Sex my girlfriend started calling me Christmas. Apparently I came early.

A man in bed with a woman notices her shaved pu**y
He asked: "why no hair?
She replied: u came to fuck or comb?

What do racers eat before running ?
Nothing, they fast.

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
An ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

What kind of bagel can fly ?
A plain bagel.

Can anyone tell me why China has no cricket team????

*It’s because they eat all the BATS, and don't understand the meaning of BOUNDARIES either.*

A woman woke up during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?", he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

Yes, I do", she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?"

'Yes, I remember", says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues.

Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?""

'I remember that also", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today if only I took the right decision!

And the fight started.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
Noah was sitting on the deck

why did the blind man fall down the well?
he couldn’t see that well.

I saw in the news no more Eskimo pies will be made for fear the name may offend people. I never knew the word "pie" was derogatory.

Patient: I feel like a goat.
Doctor: How long have you been feeling this way?
Patient: Since I was a kid.

I saw a sign that read "Watch for children"
I thought to myself "That sounds like a fair trade"

Why did the banana put on sunscreen?
Because it didn’t want to peel!

Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

Gary Barlow has deleted me from Facebook....
Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it!

My wife left me because I’m so paranoid and insecure.
No, wait, she was just in the kitchen making a coffee.

I SAW A FLYING SAUCER TODAY..IT APPEARED RIGHT AFTER THE FLYING CUP MY WIFE THREW AT ME..

The Fireman hired his high school flame as his secretary. After several heated arguments, he realized she wood knot be a good match, so he fired her.

What noise annoys an oyster?
A noisey noise annoys an oyster.

I used to run a dating agency for chickens.
But I was struggling to make hens meet.

"Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power."
-Oscar Wilde

I was watching an Australian cookery program and the audience cheered when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised as the Australians normally boomerang.

Iraqis thought it was Bush who's crazy and it was Saddam who's sane!!!

A blind man and a deaf man get caught jaywalking. The deaf man was issued a citation, the blind man was given a sound warning.

A opinion without 3.14 can bring you tears.

I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.

If a bar of soap falls on the ground Is the soap dirty or the floor clean???

Sad News:
I saw a pepper freeze to death.
It was a little chilli.

"Give it to me! I'm so wet! "
She could yell all she wanted, I still wasn't gonna give her the umbrella.

Many girls feel the word 'marriage' has a nice ring to it.

I went to a premature ejaculation meeting tonight. Turns out it’s tomorrow.

My name is John Wait. When Bill collectors call, I refer them to my wife Helen. If you want money go to Helen Wait.

After church today, I walked into a liquor store. Apparently I was moved by the spirit.

I broke up with my ex for religious reasons.
I’m a Christian, and she is satan.

A woman asked me for sex yesterday.
I had to disappoint her...
We had sex !

Q:What’s blue & fucks old people?
A:Me, in my lucky blue coat.

I was a surgeon. I was doing a circumcision but slipped with the scalpel and got the sack.

I am an engineer. My job is nuts.

Im a data scientist, I work with models.

I wanted to be a Manicurist but I couldn’t nail it.

Electrician... it is my current job. That’s shocking, yea, better stay grounded.

I became an electrical engineer because of my potential.

Tried gold mining and that didn’t pan out
Figured I’d give banking a shot but lost interest
Thought I had a job ice fishing and that fell through
So I took a crash course in safety test driving... it pays to be a dummy.

I'm an engineer and I use white boards all the time. They are re-markable!

I’m an electrician, it’s a shocking job!

My wife is going to birth twins!
If boys: Pete and Repeat;
If girls: Kate and DupliKate.

What flavour crisps do Arabian royalty like?
Sultan vinegar.