Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Just finished writing a book on penguins.
With hindsight I should have written it on paper

My new year’s resolution was to get in shape.
I chose round.

My wife is acting really childishly.
Last night she came into the bathroom and sank my boats.

I have an inferiority complex but it’s not as good as other people’s.

Whiteboards are so remarkable!

In pre-Islamic days, female rabbits lived in a hare•m.

Q:Why was the computer late to work?
A:Because it had a hard drive.

If a vegetarian starts eating meat, do they lose their veg-inity?

I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun went.
It finally dawned on me.

A cardboard belt would be a waist of paper.

How can you tell if someone is Vegan? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you...

I’m in the early stages of writing a book about hurricanes and tornados.
It’s just a draft at the moment.

Париж. Вечер. Турист проголодался, заходит в бар, к нему подходит официант:
— Мсье желает девочку?
— Нет…
— Мсье желает мальчика?
— Да нет…
— Чего желает мсье?
— Мне бы курочку…
— О! Мсье знает толк в извращениях!

Если смотреть на Эйфелеву башню сзади, то можно подумать, что смотришь на нее спереди.

I have the memory of an elephant!
I went to the Zoo when I was 9 and saw an elephant.
I remember it.

- Однажды я застрял на необитаемом острове. После долгих дней голода и одиночества услышал шум приближающегося самолёта. Я тут же сложил из хвороста слово "СПАСИТЕ" и поджог его.....
- И что? Тебя спасли летчики?
- Нет. Буква "П" не загорелась...

Who was the first farmer to pull a cows udder and thought Mmmm l think l will drink that.

Q: Why did the lumberjack's truck stop?
A: To let the lumber jack off.

She said she wants to go with me, I said "Go with you where?", she said 'out'. I said, " I'm a candle, I'll go out if you blow me"

I had this serious medical condition when I was young, where I had to eat soil 3 times a day just to stay alive.
I’m lucky my older brother told me about it really.

The doctor put me on a crash diet, saying don’t eat anything fatty.
For clarification I asked, by fatty do you mean pies, fries, burgers etc?
He said, no what I mean is, fatty don’t eat anything!

A 747 had a bad Landing this morning, bouncing down the runway. Boeing, Boeing, Boeing.

I managed to build a car completely from washing machine parts!
Tomorrow I’m taking it for a spin.

Did anyone see the joke I posted recently about my spine,

It was about a weak back.

BEWARE
of pointless warnings

What do you call a turtle that lost its shell?
Homeless looking for shelter!

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Which country's capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. It's Dublin every day.

My wife left me because she says I'm too old fashioned.
I'll wager a shilling she's courting a chap who's a scoundrel.

What’s the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30
(Tooth hurty)

When the Army barracks bathroom is in use, it's usually by the loo tenant.

If desperate times breed desperate wordplay, we need to prepare for a Pundemic !

I invested in commercial fishing hoping for some net gains. We shall sea.

Opening a high-end Halloween shop, a Bootique.

What should you do if you are addicted to seaweed?
Sea kelp!

Why do thieves have a hard time understanding puns?
Because they take things literally!

A mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase..

"What happened?", she asks anxiously.

"What happened! I'll tell you what happened..
... I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip.. I get home.. and.. guess what I found..

Yes, your daughter, my wife.. with a guy in our marital bed..
This is unforgivable.. the end of our marriage..
I'm done.. I'm leaving forever.."

"Calm down.. calm down.. my son"..
says.. his mother-in-law..
"There is something very odd going on here..
My daughter would never do such a thing..
There must be a simple explanation..
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.."

Moments later.. the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile..
"I told you there must be a simple explanation..

She didn't get the email"

A man walks into a drug store with his 10-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called Condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.
Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,

"Those are for married men…
One for January, one for February, one For March.......

My best friend ran away with my wife..
..it's only been three days and I really miss him.

After you Finnish a difficult task, Denmark it on your calendar. There's Norway you want to forget the Swede feeling of success.

"How to date a feminist girl?
Step one: Don't"

What dog does Dracula own?

A Blood Hound.

Why don't we tell a secret in a farm?
Cos corns have ears.

A large petroleum giant has found a way to turn insect urine into a petrol alternative.
I think it's BP

Video's just been given parole. Radio Star's family are said to be livid.

If animals don’t want to be eaten, then why are they made out of food.

GUYS IF YOU SEE A LINK THAT SAYS FREE INDIAN SEX FILMS 240P DOWNLOAD NOW, DON'T CLICK ON IT IT'S A VIRUS THAT FORCES ALL CAPS LOCK.

A sign on a local plumbing truck: “A Straight Flush is Better Than a Full House.”

Would spellcheck spell cheque cheque or would spellcheck spell cheque check??
🤔

- Граф, а почему вы арбуз не кушаете?
- Да ну иво, ухи пачкает!

I had the best ice pun to tell you all but the problem is...
it slipped my mind!

"I was caught stealing in Iran.", Tom said offhandedly.

I could never be a taxi-driver... I hate people talking behind my back.

What do you call a pig with three eyes...
Piiig.

Sign on a music store window: 'Come in and pick out a drum -- then beat it!’

I was going to write a pun about an itch. But while trying to finger it out, it got scratched.

I started singing and was arrested for delinquency to a minor, ... Major,diminished and augmented

Kid goes to his mum , “ mummy , where do i come from ?

the mum panics , thinks quick and replies

“ the stork brought you johnny “

and he goes

“ oh yeah , we’ll who fucks the stork then “ ?

A girl asks her mom, "What's a blowjob?"
The mom replies, "Fifty bucks".

I accidentally cut my wrist at work today... so I put my watch on covering the cut because time heals all wounds.

What’s the difference between a bike, tuna, and glue?
You can tuna bike, but you can’t bike a tuna.
Still thinking about the glue?? See, I knew you would get stuck there.

What's the best thing about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but I always think the flag is a big plus.

My friend was rushed to hospital after swallowing 8 plastic toy horses.
He’s now stable.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it so they re-possessed her.

Did you know that clouds rule the skies? Look at the way they rain.

What did the door said to the other door on a date?
You're a-door-able.

It's rare that I see a steak pun well done.

I wear a mask because the Bible says "Thou shalt not Covid thy neighbor's wife".

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,
"Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.
"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that,"
Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.
"I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
"Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job,"
Says the duck.
"Where is it?"
"At the circus,"
Says the barman.
"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.
"That's right,"
Replies the barman.
"The circus?"
The duck asks again.
“With the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ......
"What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!"

I KNOW I SHOULDN’T HAVE DONE THIS, BUT I AM 83 YEARS OLD AND I WAS IN THE MCDONALD’S DRIVE-THROUGH THIS MORNING AND THE YOUNG LADY BEHIND ME LEANED ON HER HORN AND STARTED MOUTHING SOMETHING BECAUSE I WAS TAKING TOO LONG TO PLACE MY ORDER. SO WHEN I GOT TO THE FIRST WINDOW I PAID FOR HER ORDER ALONG WITH MY OWN. THE CASHIER MUST HAVE TOLD HER WHAT I'D DONE, BECAUSE AS WE MOVED UP SHE LEANED OUT HER WINDOW AND WAVED TO ME AND MOUTHED "THANK YOU.", OBVIOUSLY EMBARRASSED THAT I HAD REPAID HER RUDENESS WITH KINDNESS. WHEN I GOT TO THE SECOND WINDOW I SHOWED THEM BOTH RECEIPTS AND TOOK HER FOOD TOO. NOW SHE HAS TO GO BACK TO THE END OF THE QUEUE AND START ALL OVER AGAIN,
DON'T BLOW YOUR HORN AT OLD PEOPLE, THEY HAVE BEEN AROUND A LONG TIME.

I wanted to take home the left-overs from the BBQ, but someone else foiled my plans.

Watched a documentary about beavers.
Best dam show I’ve seen.

There's a gang going though our town, systematically shoplifting clothes in size order.
Police believe they're still at large.

How do you make a snooker table laugh?
Put your hands in its pocket and tickle it's balls

One man met a gal at the local gym. They started dating and I hope it works out.

Lingerie salespersons never die, they just slip away.

Goodnight ladies, be good, if you can't be good come and see me.

I explained to the group that I couldn’t help them dig for water because I’m not a well man.

I’VE GOT A PHOBIA OF OVER-ENGINEERED BUILDINGS.
It’s a complex complex complex.

I made a pencil with two erasers.
It was pointless.