Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I was teased in middle school.
They called me an elephant.
I'll never forget that.

My wife said... "is it just me or is the cat getting fat"?
Apparently "no its just you" was not the right answer 🙄

Breaking News.
A man has collapsed whilst on the London Eye.
Paramedics say he is slowly coming round.

I've just left my job at the helium factory.
There's no way I'm being spoken to in that tone.

I've started a business building yachts in my attic.
Sails are through the roof.

Went into the kitchen this morning, the wife was face-down and not breathing. I panicked and didn't know what to do. Then I remembered that McDonald's do breakfast until 11.00 am.

I saw a small flying mammal somersault into a lake, so I rushed to help it.
It was alright....it was an aqua bat.

My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s when you flip a MOM over.

If you only sucked average sized penises, you could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

A man has gone to A&E after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his arse.
Doctors have described his condition as stable!!!

В прачечной я встала на колени перед стиральной машиной, чтобы покаяться, потому что стираю белые вещи отдельно от цветных.

Used to have a swimming addiction but I’ve been dry for 6 months.

An older man threw a piece of Cheese at me.
I turned around and said That's not very mature.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Saw a book on 'How To Get Rich'. Couldn't afford to buy the fuckin' thing.

The bookstore had a book that said, This Will Solve half of your problems. I bought two of them.

There are two types of people in the world: 1)Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.

I recently took a poll, and found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

Education is not the learning of Facts But, the training of Minds to Think. Albert Einstein

The best way to get over someone, is with a car.

I once tried to make a poultry sandwich but the meat was too shaky and sweaty....
It was cold turkey!

An old lady was knitting and driving at the same time. A Cop saw this and shouted 'Pull Over'...'NO' she replied it's a Scarf

What’s next? Santa can’t say HO HO HO cuz it’s offensive to your mom.

Some business news:

My friend opened an undercover shop buying and selling skeletons....
It was no bodies business!

My friend Lee goes by his middle name because his first name is Unfortunate.

Fact: There have never been any successful jokes about the Jonestown Massacre. It's because the punch line is always too long.

I heard that Humpty Dumpty had a terrible Winter.
Which is quite odd because he had a great Fall.

What did the plumber say when he left his wife?
Its over flo........

A Pig without 3,14 is 9,8.

What's do European ghosts eat?
Ghoulash!

6 REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN.......
1. You can trade an old 45 for a 22
2. You can admire a friends gun & he'll let you try it;
3. Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo;
4. Guns function normally everyday;
5. A Gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it;
And the best one........

6. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN :)

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie retires next month.
Whoever replaces him has some big chouxs to fill.

Q:What do lesbian vampires say to each other?
A:See you in a month.

My burger came with pickles, even though I didn’t want any. Now I gotta dill with it.

Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy...
However, that's not the case.

The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest
Hoping one would win?
But no pun in-ten-did!

How does a rancher find new cows to buy.
He looks through the cattlelog.

When Theodore emerged from the rabbit hole,
he was un-warren Ted.

My friend tiled my roof for me.
I asked him how much I owed him?
He said "Nothing - it's on the house"

I can't believe they want to defund the Police. That band was very popular in the 80's.

I like taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.
My doctor says i have selfie steam issues.

I'm afraid of toilets. Any toilet. I don't know why but it just scares the shit out of me.

Did you hear about the flasher who was going to retire?
He decided to stick it out for another year.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet.
But only for like 20 seconds.
And only once.

Started reading a book about Fort Knox.
It’s really hard to get into.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent!

25 PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

"Do not be angry with the rain; it simply does not know how to fall upwards."
- Vladimir Nabokov

A python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD.
He's a cold hearted snake.

What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ANTique 😁😁😁

A lawyer went to the local Police Station to
certify some documents. When he entered, he found one police officer reading the Bible. The lawyer became curious and asked the policeman "Who killed Abel, Adam's son?" The policeman answered, "I don't know, ask Sgt. Khumalo over there? He is the one who deals with murder cases..."

A lawyer went to the local Police Station to
certify some documents. When he entered, he found one police officer reading the Bible. The lawyer became curious and asked the policeman "Who killed Abel, Adam's son?" The policeman answered, "I don't know, ask Sgt. Khumalo over there? He is the one who deals with murder cases..."

What do you call a guy who's always listening?
Mike.

Wanted to brighten up the yard so I planted some bulbs.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of some 80s bands.
There's no cure!

A group of LGBT just asked me for directions, I told em to go straight!

A 3 year old just gave me a one-legged Batman doll.
Sure it's a great gift but I seriously can't stand it.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note Dear Sir,Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Son: "I wonder what is at the end of the internet."

Dad: (talking behind his newspaper)"..The letter "t"..."
😎

My brother went to the doctor and said, 'Some days, I get the strange feeling that I'm a golf club.'
The doctor said, 'Can I join?'

Did you know, Peter, I got a new set of golf clubs for my wife last week.'
'Oh, David, what a bargain.'

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."

"Charlie, why don't you play golf with Ted any more?" Charlie's wife asked.
"Would you play golf with a chap who moved the ball with his foot when he thought you weren't watching?" Charlie replied.
"Well, no," admitted his wife.
"And neither will Ted," replied the dejected husband.

Why did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it.

How did the soccer field end up as a triangle?
Somebody took a corner.

What can be served but cannot be eaten?
A tennis ball.

What does a baseball pitcher like to do on his birthday?
Throw a party.

A man is about to be married and is waiting outside the church with his bride-to-be. Beside them are his golf clubs.
His bride asks him, "Why have you brought your golf clubs to the church on our wedding day?"
The groom replied, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

What is the noisiest game?
Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet!

Why was the football coach yelling at the vending machine?
He wanted his quarter back.

What do you call an ant that cannot talk?
A mutant 😁😀

Can't believe that I've just finished my degree in Archeology!
My life is in ruins now !!

Bro, can you tell me what the meaning of 'procrastinate' is?
I'll tell you later.

Q:What did the big phone say to the small phone?
A:You're too young to get engaged...

Q:What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A:You're too young to smoke...

Appropriate name for identical twins.
Peter, Re-Peter.

Man 1: I’m going to Africa.
Man 2: Kenya ?
Man 1: Yes. I think I can.