Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

After Sex my girlfriend started calling me Christmas. Apparently I came early.

A man in bed with a woman notices her shaved pu**y
He asked: "why no hair?
She replied: u came to fuck or comb?

What do racers eat before running ?
Nothing, they fast.

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
An ass that will bring tears to your eyes.

What kind of bagel can fly ?
A plain bagel.

Can anyone tell me why China has no cricket team????

*It’s because they eat all the BATS, and don't understand the meaning of BOUNDARIES either.*

A woman woke up during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.

She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...

"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room.

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?", he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

Yes, I do", she replies.

The husband pauses.

The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?"

'Yes, I remember", says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues.

Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
"Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?""

'I remember that also", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today if only I took the right decision!

And the fight started.

What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?
Noah was sitting on the deck

why did the blind man fall down the well?
he couldn’t see that well.

I saw in the news no more Eskimo pies will be made for fear the name may offend people. I never knew the word "pie" was derogatory.

Patient: I feel like a goat.
Doctor: How long have you been feeling this way?
Patient: Since I was a kid.

I saw a sign that read "Watch for children"
I thought to myself "That sounds like a fair trade"

Why did the banana put on sunscreen?
Because it didn’t want to peel!

Be kind to your dentist because he has fillings too.

Gary Barlow has deleted me from Facebook....
Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it!

My wife left me because I’m so paranoid and insecure.
No, wait, she was just in the kitchen making a coffee.

I SAW A FLYING SAUCER TODAY..IT APPEARED RIGHT AFTER THE FLYING CUP MY WIFE THREW AT ME..

The Fireman hired his high school flame as his secretary. After several heated arguments, he realized she wood knot be a good match, so he fired her.

What noise annoys an oyster?
A noisey noise annoys an oyster.

I used to run a dating agency for chickens.
But I was struggling to make hens meet.

"Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power."
-Oscar Wilde

I was watching an Australian cookery program and the audience cheered when the chef made a meringue.
I was surprised as the Australians normally boomerang.

Iraqis thought it was Bush who's crazy and it was Saddam who's sane!!!

A blind man and a deaf man get caught jaywalking. The deaf man was issued a citation, the blind man was given a sound warning.

A opinion without 3.14 can bring you tears.

I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.

If a bar of soap falls on the ground Is the soap dirty or the floor clean???

Sad News:
I saw a pepper freeze to death.
It was a little chilli.

"Give it to me! I'm so wet! "
She could yell all she wanted, I still wasn't gonna give her the umbrella.

Many girls feel the word 'marriage' has a nice ring to it.

I went to a premature ejaculation meeting tonight. Turns out it’s tomorrow.

My name is John Wait. When Bill collectors call, I refer them to my wife Helen. If you want money go to Helen Wait.

After church today, I walked into a liquor store. Apparently I was moved by the spirit.

I broke up with my ex for religious reasons.
I’m a Christian, and she is satan.

A woman asked me for sex yesterday.
I had to disappoint her...
We had sex !

Q:What’s blue & fucks old people?
A:Me, in my lucky blue coat.

I was a surgeon. I was doing a circumcision but slipped with the scalpel and got the sack.

I am an engineer. My job is nuts.

Im a data scientist, I work with models.

I wanted to be a Manicurist but I couldn’t nail it.

Electrician... it is my current job. That’s shocking, yea, better stay grounded.

I became an electrical engineer because of my potential.

Tried gold mining and that didn’t pan out
Figured I’d give banking a shot but lost interest
Thought I had a job ice fishing and that fell through
So I took a crash course in safety test driving... it pays to be a dummy.

I'm an engineer and I use white boards all the time. They are re-markable!

I’m an electrician, it’s a shocking job!

My wife is going to birth twins!
If boys: Pete and Repeat;
If girls: Kate and DupliKate.

What flavour crisps do Arabian royalty like?
Sultan vinegar.

I saw an eagle kneeling in my garden today.
It's a Bird of pray.

What's yellow and smells like bananas?
Monkey vomit.

I've just bought my pet duck a face mask so I can take him for a walk during lockdown.
It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

I bought a piece of rock yesterday 1760 yards long.
Another milestone in my life.

If your spouse is not an avid Star Wars fan, may divorce be with you.

I asked a gypsy about my future and she burst into quadruple songs.
Turns out she was a four tune teller.

My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking? Apparently Slimming World wasn't the right answer!

Has anyone lost £2,000 wrapped in elastic bands?
I've found your elastic bands.

You know what it is called when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.

Sorry I took my pants off at your Gender Reveal party.. I thought we were all participating. My Bad🙄

A married man and his secretary were having a afair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Not knowing why, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "I've heard that's supposed to work. Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Q: How do you make 4 lbs of fat look attractive ?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

I met a medic made out of wood the other day.
He was a hickory dickory doc.

Fitness news:
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out...

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, I have to take your temperature.
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. What's going on here? asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... Not with a Daffodil.

Does anyone want to buy a deflated tyre?
No pressure.....

I wrote a song about a tortilla last night!
Well, it’s actually more of a wrap.

The UK police are really out of order. I asked the officer why he arrested my cell phone and he replied "it's being charged with battery!".

What do you call a sorceress on a beach?
A sandwich.

Did you know that 10 out of 10 people die from death?

— У вас в роду были евреи?
— Нет, я первый.

If twos company and three's a crowd. What's four and five ?? Nine.

What did the bed say to the sheets?
"You gotta stop "sheeting " on me.

Jesus said to John, Come forth,
I'll give you eternal life,
But John came fifth, and won a toaster .

“Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself.”
~ Sylvia Plath

I was relieved that the nurse didn't hurt me whilst taking my blood.
It was a jab well done.

If you are scared of lifts take steps to avoid them.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.
The redhead said "My boyfriend is like 7-up. He is seven inches long and he is always up."
The brunette said "My boyfriend is like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the Mountains all the time."
The blonde said "My boyfriend is like Jack Daniels."
The brunette cut in "You can't use Jack Daniels. That's a hard liquor."
A smile crossed the blondes face. "I know"

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”
― Federico García Lorca