Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I was a surgeon. I was doing a circumcision but slipped with the scalpel and got the sack.

I am an engineer. My job is nuts.

Im a data scientist, I work with models.

I wanted to be a Manicurist but I couldn’t nail it.

Electrician... it is my current job. That’s shocking, yea, better stay grounded.

I became an electrical engineer because of my potential.

Tried gold mining and that didn’t pan out
Figured I’d give banking a shot but lost interest
Thought I had a job ice fishing and that fell through
So I took a crash course in safety test driving... it pays to be a dummy.

I'm an engineer and I use white boards all the time. They are re-markable!

I’m an electrician, it’s a shocking job!

My wife is going to birth twins!
If boys: Pete and Repeat;
If girls: Kate and DupliKate.

What flavour crisps do Arabian royalty like?
Sultan vinegar.

I saw an eagle kneeling in my garden today.
It's a Bird of pray.

What's yellow and smells like bananas?
Monkey vomit.

I've just bought my pet duck a face mask so I can take him for a walk during lockdown.
It's nothing flashy, but it fits the bill.

I bought a piece of rock yesterday 1760 yards long.
Another milestone in my life.

If your spouse is not an avid Star Wars fan, may divorce be with you.

I asked a gypsy about my future and she burst into quadruple songs.
Turns out she was a four tune teller.

My wife asked me what would stop the stairs from creaking? Apparently Slimming World wasn't the right answer!

Has anyone lost £2,000 wrapped in elastic bands?
I've found your elastic bands.

You know what it is called when Batman skips church?
Christian Bale.

Sorry I took my pants off at your Gender Reveal party.. I thought we were all participating. My Bad🙄

A married man and his secretary were having a afair. One afternoon they couldn't contain their passion, so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. When they were finished, they fell asleep, not waking until 8 o'clock. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told his secretary to take his shoes outside and rub them on the lawn. Not knowing why, she did as he asked thinking him pretty weird. The man finally got home and his wife met him at the door. Upset, she asked where he'd been. The man replied, "I cannot tell a lie. My secretary and I are having an affair. Today we left work early, went to her place, spent the afternoon making love, and then fell asleep. That's why I'm late." The wife looked at him, took notice of his shoes and yelled, "I can see those are grass stains on your shoes. YOU DAMN LIAR! You've been playing golf again, haven't you?"

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "I've heard that's supposed to work. Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Q: How do you make 4 lbs of fat look attractive ?
A: Put a nipple on it.

Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. It was such a nice jester.

I met a medic made out of wood the other day.
He was a hickory dickory doc.

Fitness news:
Why don't some couples go to the gym?
Because some relationships don't work out...

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, I have to take your temperature.
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!
She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.....
After about 20 minutes, the man's doctor came into the room. What's going on here? asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?
After a pause, the doctor confessed..... Not with a Daffodil.

Does anyone want to buy a deflated tyre?
No pressure.....

I wrote a song about a tortilla last night!
Well, it’s actually more of a wrap.

The UK police are really out of order. I asked the officer why he arrested my cell phone and he replied "it's being charged with battery!".

What do you call a sorceress on a beach?
A sandwich.

Did you know that 10 out of 10 people die from death?

— У вас в роду были евреи?
— Нет, я первый.

If twos company and three's a crowd. What's four and five ?? Nine.

What did the bed say to the sheets?
"You gotta stop "sheeting " on me.

Jesus said to John, Come forth,
I'll give you eternal life,
But John came fifth, and won a toaster .

“Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself.”
~ Sylvia Plath

I was relieved that the nurse didn't hurt me whilst taking my blood.
It was a jab well done.

If you are scared of lifts take steps to avoid them.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were sitting around trying to compare their boyfriends to brands of pop.
The redhead said "My boyfriend is like 7-up. He is seven inches long and he is always up."
The brunette said "My boyfriend is like Mountain Dew. He loves to do it in the Mountains all the time."
The blonde said "My boyfriend is like Jack Daniels."
The brunette cut in "You can't use Jack Daniels. That's a hard liquor."
A smile crossed the blondes face. "I know"

“To burn with desire and keep quiet about it is the greatest punishment we can bring on ourselves.”
― Federico García Lorca

Your body is not a temple,
it's an amusement park.
Enjoy the ride.
~Anthony Bourdain

I sleep with life and death in the same bed.
— Bob Dylan

There may be more beautiful times, but this one is ours.
~ Jean-Paul Sartre

“We're all just walking each other home.”
― Ram Dass

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up."
~ Jim Morrison

“for me obedience to another
is the decay of self”
― Charles Bukowski

Q:What do vaginas and the mafia have in common?
A:One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

I asked my local baker for his secret bread recipe but he refused.
He said it was only on a knead to dough basis.

It's open mike night at the autopsy club.

What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?
-George Eliot

Q:What do you call a sick red head?
A:Ginger ail.

After being escorted out of Kings Cross Station with concussion, I'm beginning to think my Hogwarts acceptance letter was a hoax.

Did you know there are more planes in the ocean than there are boats in the sky?!?!

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."
"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

I learned two things last night. I'm not very good at playing the drums and my neighbour has tourette's .

“the thing you are worried about doesn’t care if you are worried or not.”

"Don't tell people about your problems... 90% don't care, & the other 10% are glad you have them."

I was never a fan of organ donation until I had a change of heart.

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
"I want to return as a hen."
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Pe! ter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like I am going to explode."
"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Rob asked.
"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!

I wanna open a woman only gym and call it g-spot.
Men wouldn't find it.

I told a hermaphrodite to go screw himself, and she did.

I'm afraid of pastries.They give me the crêpes.

What’s a rat’s favorite form of art?
Mousaic

I went to see my lawyer about divorcing my wife.
She hasn’t spoken to me for six months.
He said”Are you sure.
Wives like that are hard to come by”

For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.

When my wife says: "I've been thinking"
This means I'm about to rearrange, move, fix, paint or go pick her mom up at the airport.

I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn.
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet.

I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.

Therapist: Fuck anyone who doesn't understand you!
Me: That's a lot of sex

Anal Sex: The only time a man tries to convince you his dick really isn't that big.

Q:Why was the ancient Egyptian kid sad?
A:Because his daddy was a mummy!

Q: Why was Tigger's head stuck in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh.

I'm writing a book about the wind.
At the moment it's only a draft!

What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur.

Dad: Knock knock
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Interrupting cow
Son: Interr.....
Dad: MOOOOOOOO

-- Казимир Малевич, боюсь, что мы не можем взять ваш квадрат на выставку.
-- Это потому что он чёрный ?!?