Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Whats snacks do wizards eat when they go to the seaside?
Sand Witches!

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Wheres my tractor?

когда выбрал переводчика подешевле...
"UnZip and click 'finish'" переводится как 'Расстегните ширинку и пощёлкайте концом"

Caught my dog listening to country. Now he's lickin' for love in all the wrong places.

Q: What is the speed limit of sex?
A: 68mph. At 69 you have to turn around

Just had a fish
crap on me.
Little bass turd.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.

A cement mixer has been stolen. The police have some clues, but nothing concrete....

What do we want?
Hearing aids!
When do we want them?
Hearing aids!

My first time on an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time really let me down.

My colleague can no longer attend next week's Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'.

My scoliosis was so bad, I was hunched over and convinced there was nothing any doctor or surgeon could do to fix me; but I stand corrected!

Birthdays are nice and everything.
But too many will kill you.

Wont be able to come into work today cause I am sick.
How sick are you ?
I'm in bed with my sister.

I love fat girls 😍, no matter where you grab them it feels like titties.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.

The tallest building in my city is the library because it has the most stories.

When I said I liked it rough, I meant the sex, Not the whole fuckin relationship.

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me........... “hold that ladder still”

На время самоизоляции Роман Абрамович решил купить себе Таиланд. На кассе у него спрашивают:
- Пхукет брать будете?

Why did the orange go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling very well...

I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.
I think she’s beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

What is the opposite of Domino's?
...
Domi doesn't know!!!

Just bought a wooden computer. Having trouble logging on.

Did you hear about the athlete who won a gold medal? He was so happy that he took it home and had it bronzed.

I just finished writing a book on penguins, now that I think about it, it would have been easier to do it on paper.

I'm always making jokes about buttsex to my wife.
She just thinks I'm trying to be a pain in the ass.

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1,000!
They took a bag of popcorn, a large coke and a box of candy.

Two wrongs don’t make a right but two rights can make an aeroplane.

A bee finds out his queen bee is cheating on him. That really stings.

Why do you get served only one egg for breakfast in France?
Because, in France, an egg is un oeuf.

There was a swimming competition between two cats. The first cat was named un deux trois, the second was named one two three. Which cat won the race?

One two three, because un deux trois quatre cinq.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the best book he ever read.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."
So we stopped playing chess.

- Сара, вот теперь я думаю, что зря не слушал моих родителей.
- Моня, а шо они тебе говорили?
- Не знаю, я же не слушал.

What part of a cabbage can u not eat.
The wheelchair.

Not all math puns are funny.
Just sum.

I thought I was pregnant, but it was a missed conception.

Job interview:
Can you perform under pressure?
No, but I can do an excellent Bohemian Rhapsody!

Did you hear about the missing Scandinavian airline pilot?
He simply vanished into Finnair!

My wife has started manufacturing tennis equipment.
I couldn’t sleep last night with the racket she was making

They’re adding a second floor to the local library building.....
But that’s another story

I couldn't understand why my dog was motionless. Then I realized...
It was on paws.

Argentina might not be cold in the summer, but it is pretty close to chilly.

Does anyone know, if you need a current licence to drive an electric car ?

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

I was going to tell a great joke about oceans, but it might be...
...too deep. 🌊

After my wife threw the 6th cricket ball at me...
...I knew it was over!!

I met a cyclist the other day who told me a pack of lies.

When I asked questions he started back-pedalling......

A former atheist is a no less suspicious creature than a pregnant virgin.

It is reported that many resort hotels have towels so thick and fluffy that you can hardly close your suitcase.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Why did the farmer start a punk band?
He was tired if haulin' oats.

I bet the person who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing their hands together?

So my girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

A woman is pregnant with Triplets when she goes to the bank. A robber comes in and shoots her three times, hitting all three babies. Thankfully they all survived but the bullets were lodged inside them. Her surgeon told her they’d be ok but on their 18th birthday they’ll piss out the bullet.

18 years pass and the day arrived. First son calls, “Mom, I just pissed out a bullet”. Second son calls, “Mom I woke up this morning and there was a bullet in the bed!” Finally her third son calls, “holy fuck mom, i was jerking off and I just came so hard I shot the dog!”

Puns about Communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

Knock knock: who’s there?
Haley. Haley who?
Haley girl is your daddy home, did he go and leave you all alone? Oh oh oh I’m on fire.

The bicycle spoke in a flat tired voice.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.

Back in my dating days I went parking in a cemetery with my girlfriend. Policeman taps on my window.. “Didn’t you see that sign that said closed at 9 o’clock?” “No sir, we came in by the sign that said get lots while you’re young...”

I worked at a local cemetery. I was the one responsible for making the holes are 6ft deep...
Never actually dig this job though.

When I die I wanna be buried upside down so everyone can kiss my arse!!!

Saw a man in the cemetery and said “Morning”.
He said “No I’m just walking the dog”!

Where can you find the cemetery???
Dead centre of town.

I actually work at a cemetery.
I never get any complaints from the residents.

Q: What do you want on your Tombstone?
A: pepperoni and cheese.

Last week a light plane crashed in our local cemetery, they've been digging up body's for 5 days.

I hate to hear that the cemetery groundskeeper died. Poor guy. Always so busy. He'll be buried in his work forever now.

The minister buried the deceased in the wrong plot.
He was gravely mistaken.

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

My uncle was crushed to death by a piano.
His funeral was very low key 😂

I have a step ladder...i never knew my real ladder.

Everytime my bike hurts me, I punch it right back. It’s a vicious cycle.

Covid update: If you play guitar, always use hand Santanagizer before and after.

This guy said to me, "I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar."

I said, "Is that a fret?"

Why do they put railings around a cemetery?
People in can’t get out and people out don’t want to go in.