Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Your body is not a temple,
it's an amusement park.
Enjoy the ride.
~Anthony Bourdain

I sleep with life and death in the same bed.
— Bob Dylan

There may be more beautiful times, but this one is ours.
~ Jean-Paul Sartre

“We're all just walking each other home.”
― Ram Dass

"People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up."
~ Jim Morrison

“for me obedience to another
is the decay of self”
― Charles Bukowski

Q:What do vaginas and the mafia have in common?
A:One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

I asked my local baker for his secret bread recipe but he refused.
He said it was only on a knead to dough basis.

It's open mike night at the autopsy club.

What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?
-George Eliot

Q:What do you call a sick red head?
A:Ginger ail.

After being escorted out of Kings Cross Station with concussion, I'm beginning to think my Hogwarts acceptance letter was a hoax.

Did you know there are more planes in the ocean than there are boats in the sky?!?!

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."
"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

I learned two things last night. I'm not very good at playing the drums and my neighbour has tourette's .

“the thing you are worried about doesn’t care if you are worried or not.”

"Don't tell people about your problems... 90% don't care, & the other 10% are glad you have them."

I was never a fan of organ donation until I had a change of heart.

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
"I want to return as a hen."
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Pe! ter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like I am going to explode."
"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Rob asked.
"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!

I wanna open a woman only gym and call it g-spot.
Men wouldn't find it.

I told a hermaphrodite to go screw himself, and she did.

I'm afraid of pastries.They give me the crêpes.

What’s a rat’s favorite form of art?
Mousaic

I went to see my lawyer about divorcing my wife.
She hasn’t spoken to me for six months.
He said”Are you sure.
Wives like that are hard to come by”

For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.

When my wife says: "I've been thinking"
This means I'm about to rearrange, move, fix, paint or go pick her mom up at the airport.

I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn.
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet.

I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.

Therapist: Fuck anyone who doesn't understand you!
Me: That's a lot of sex

Anal Sex: The only time a man tries to convince you his dick really isn't that big.

Q:Why was the ancient Egyptian kid sad?
A:Because his daddy was a mummy!

Q: Why was Tigger's head stuck in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh.

I'm writing a book about the wind.
At the moment it's only a draft!

What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur.

Dad: Knock knock
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Interrupting cow
Son: Interr.....
Dad: MOOOOOOOO

-- Казимир Малевич, боюсь, что мы не можем взять ваш квадрат на выставку.
-- Это потому что он чёрный ?!?

My buddy got a dog and asked me if I had anything to help him. I gave him a rope.

Its the leash I could do.
🐕

If you see a dude walking down your street singing in a suit of armor, would you just close your curtains and
..call it a knight?

Vegan: Pudding please.
Me: Sorry no pudding for you.
Vegan: Why?
Me: How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?🔥

...A cargo ship carrying yo-yos has hit an iceberg in the North Atlantic..so far it has sunk sixty three times....

If you cut your left arm, then your right arm will be left.

What does a dinosaur decorate his house with?.....
....... reptiles

I’ve just bought a new sat nav made by U2,
The streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" Asked the owner.
"I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks.. I will smell it &
order."
The confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath. "Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.
"Unbelievable!" thought the owner.
The blind man ate and left. 2 weeks later the blind man returned.
The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking.
He said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part!", which she does!
He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says "Fuck me"..., I never knew Brenda worked here!"
Owner fainted.

People from Poland are called Poles but why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Great news..
I've just got a job at the chess factory, bad news is I'm on knights next week.

Just saw my neighbor fill his canoe with ice cream and rootbeer.

Kinda strange but hey, whatever floats his boat.
🛶

I was teased in middle school.
They called me an elephant.
I'll never forget that.

My wife said... "is it just me or is the cat getting fat"?
Apparently "no its just you" was not the right answer 🙄

Breaking News.
A man has collapsed whilst on the London Eye.
Paramedics say he is slowly coming round.

I've just left my job at the helium factory.
There's no way I'm being spoken to in that tone.

I've started a business building yachts in my attic.
Sails are through the roof.

Went into the kitchen this morning, the wife was face-down and not breathing. I panicked and didn't know what to do. Then I remembered that McDonald's do breakfast until 11.00 am.

I saw a small flying mammal somersault into a lake, so I rushed to help it.
It was alright....it was an aqua bat.

My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s when you flip a MOM over.

If you only sucked average sized penises, you could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

A man has gone to A&E after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his arse.
Doctors have described his condition as stable!!!

В прачечной я встала на колени перед стиральной машиной, чтобы покаяться, потому что стираю белые вещи отдельно от цветных.

Used to have a swimming addiction but I’ve been dry for 6 months.

An older man threw a piece of Cheese at me.
I turned around and said That's not very mature.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Saw a book on 'How To Get Rich'. Couldn't afford to buy the fuckin' thing.

The bookstore had a book that said, This Will Solve half of your problems. I bought two of them.

There are two types of people in the world: 1)Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.

I recently took a poll, and found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

Education is not the learning of Facts But, the training of Minds to Think. Albert Einstein

The best way to get over someone, is with a car.

I once tried to make a poultry sandwich but the meat was too shaky and sweaty....
It was cold turkey!

An old lady was knitting and driving at the same time. A Cop saw this and shouted 'Pull Over'...'NO' she replied it's a Scarf

What’s next? Santa can’t say HO HO HO cuz it’s offensive to your mom.

Some business news:

My friend opened an undercover shop buying and selling skeletons....
It was no bodies business!

My friend Lee goes by his middle name because his first name is Unfortunate.

Fact: There have never been any successful jokes about the Jonestown Massacre. It's because the punch line is always too long.

I heard that Humpty Dumpty had a terrible Winter.
Which is quite odd because he had a great Fall.

What did the plumber say when he left his wife?
Its over flo........

A Pig without 3,14 is 9,8.

What's do European ghosts eat?
Ghoulash!

6 REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN.......
1. You can trade an old 45 for a 22
2. You can admire a friends gun & he'll let you try it;
3. Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo;
4. Guns function normally everyday;
5. A Gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it;
And the best one........

6. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN :)