Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

After a friends funeral we all went to the cemetery I asked the widow “do you mind if I say a word?” She said “no go right ahead” I stood up and I said “plethora”. She said “thanks that means a lot”

"Do you dig graves?"
"Well I mean, they're alright."

I work in a hospital. The patients are dying to get out.

Why do they build fences around cemeteries?
People are dying to get in there.

Q. Do you know who's buried in that cemetery?
A. Dead people.

Why can’t people living on Main Street be buried in the cemetery across the road?
Because they’re still alive 😂😂😂

Why is it quicker to walk through a cemetery,
if you drive you've got to go dead slow.

Went to see the doctor last week as I had a Tom Jones song constantly playing in my head every minute of the day. He replied "It's not unusual".
Went back a week later with another song constantly playing in my head by Sinead O'Connor. Guess what he told me? Guess what he told me?

A backward poet writes inverse.

I gave my Ford Fiesta some Adderall.
Now its a Ford Focus.

Q:Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
A:Because the sea men are trying to get to the navel base.

I always wanted to be an astronaut like my Dad.
He always wanted to be an astronaut as well.

Puns are like farts. We all make 'em but some of us are just a little more proud of them than others.

I was denied insurance on my tent. If it blew away, I won't be covered.

My wife left me because of my gambling.
Any tips on how I can win her back?

Did you hear the rumor about peanut butter? I could tell you but I don’t want to be the one to spread it !

A man is about to have sex with a fat chick,so he climbs on top & says,"can i turn the light off?"."Why are you shy?" "No" he says,"it's burnin my arse".

If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that’s technically a dream come true.

I asked several people what a deer with no eyes was called but they said no idea.

I then asked what do you call a deer with one eye... Strange how all of them suddenly had one idea.

If you cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.

I just heard an Elton John joke. It's a little bit funny.

Bloke walks into a pub sees a sign cheese sandwich $1 50 chicken sandwich $2 50 blow job $10 he checks his wallet then calls one of the beautiful bar ladies and quietly asks "are you the one that does blow jobs" " yes I am" she replied he said good "go and wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich

Boss: I pay you just enough so you don't quit.
Me: I work just enough so you don't fire me.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I once dated a twin. A friend asked how I tell them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right check and Frank has a beard.

Senior wife says to her hubby: What would you do if i started smoking?
Senior hubby says to wifey: I would slow down & use more lube.

What do you call bees that are fat? Obeese.

Why does Putin get speeding tickets?
He's always Russian here and there.

Doctors: How to deal with COVID-19 positively.
Mathematicians: |COVID-19|

My frequent chiropractor visits turned me into a crack addict.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet.
I get hungry....!

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a "go vegan" t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he has been slapped, spit on, punched, thrown down the stairs & had a bottle thrown at him! I am curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

Wife: Honey the vacuum isn't sucking.
Husband: Frustrating isn't it ?

I masturbated so good last night that when i woke up my clit was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

I made graph of all my past relationships.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I went to the store to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for the week-end.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I'd picked 7 up.

People must not cough near you, they must cough far away. If you hear someone coughing, tell them to... far cough.

😂😂😂

A woman goes to the dentist and wait her turn. The dentist calls her in and she takes off her underwear and sits down and puts her legs up. The dentist says I’m sorry but I’m not a gynecologist and the woman says I know but I need you to take my husband’s teeth out.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work...

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.

My girlfriend and I are both anthropologists, but we date other people.

When I was in the office today I could hear music coming from the printer. Turns out it was the paper jamming

If you asked a taxi driver how much it would cost to drive you somewhere, would that be a...
...fare question?

Bill Clinton said the reason he kept Monica around was she had the whitest teeth that he had ever Cum across.

Wife just said "You treat this place like a hotel".
She may regret it when I give a low score on Tripadvisor for "rude staff".

"Another new dress," shouted the husband. "Where do you think I'm going to get the money from to pay for it?"
"I didn't marry you to give you financial advice" she replied with complete nonchalance.

Just met Leo Sayer in the local pub he said " You look like Ted from Cheers "
He made me feel like Danson.

Without is with "out" and with is without "out" . How strange .

I slept with my best friends wife last night and now I feel absolutely fucking awful.
Hope it's not Covid.

I always knock on the fridge door before I open it
There could be a salad dressing.

Will you stop bothering me unless you're gonna lend me money?!
Why don't you LEAVE ME A LOAN?!

A man went to his doctor with an unusual issue.
"Every time I pass gas, it sounds like ‘Honda," he said.
The doctor frowned and shook his head.
“I can’t help you, but I know who can,” the doctor said. He made me an appointment with a Chinese dentist.
A couple of days later, unsure what kind of help a Chinese doctor would be for his embarrassing problem, the man showed up for the appointment.
“Open up your mouth and let me look at your teeth,” the Chinese doctor told him.
Seconds later, he said, “Ah, so! Here’s problem. You have abscess!”
“What possibly could an abscess have to do with making my fart sound like Honda?” the man asked.
The dentist replied; "Have you not heard old Chinese proverb -- 'Abscess makes the fart go Honda'? "

I went to my barber and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise so he gave me a cushion to sit on.

Dating a church girl is the best... I cheat, she finds out, we pray together and blame the devil.

Was at the wife’s grave today.
Well, she thinks I’m digging a pondWas at the wife’s grave today.
Well, she thinks I’m digging a pond.

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood."
― Oscar Wilde

I keep asking people what the word 'faggot' means but no one ever gives me a straight answer.

I said to my wife this morning
“why do we always argue about everything?” she replied
“Well if I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong”

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. she searched and Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead! )

My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight.
She needs to lighten up....!

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from
the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.
It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am.
The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck....."

I haven't seen a lot of programming languages but I think python is pretty Intelligent
Cause it has a lot of libraries🤔

Two cowboys talking about sex one says " what's your favorite position " 1st one says rodeo position" 2nd one says never heard of that what is it " well you get the wife to get down on all fours mount her from behind reach round and cup her tits and whisper these feel almost like your sisters then try and hold on for 30seconds.

Q:What!s a Transvestite?
A:Ask your Mother! He'll tell you.

I told my dad; When I'm grown up, I want to be a drummer.
He said; You can't be both things son.

What's the best cure for water on the knee ?
A tap on the ankle .

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great,However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the monsignor. It read: 1. Next time, sip rather than gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T� 5. The recommended grace before meals is not " rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." 6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and The boys". 7. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him." 8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as"Big Daddy, Junior and, The Spook". 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry". 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest as St. Peters.There will not be a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy�s. 11. Jesus was Consecrated, NOT constipated. 12. Jesus said,"Take this and eat it, for it is my body, "he did not say, "Eat me." 13. Jacob wagered his donkey, he didn�t "beat his ass." David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn�t "stoned off his ass.

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.

A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I'll spend the night with you, but I've got to let you know up front that I'm on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says " That's OK. I'll follow you on my Moped.

There's been so much more office romance at work since I became self employed.

Q:How many wrinkles does an asshole have?
A:Why don't you smile & I can count them...

Of all my body parts, I love my fingers the best.

I can always count on them!!

My wife asked me if I would load the dishwasher and got mad when I got her a bottle of wine.

Internet dating,
❤
the odds are good,
but the goods are odd.

How to be Happy ?
- Stop expecting anything from anyone and see the magic yourself.

Where would we be without Google Maps?

Has anybody else bought a Covid-19 testing kit from Wish?
I did, and apparently I'm pregnant!

I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".