Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie retires next month.
Whoever replaces him has some big chouxs to fill.

Q:What do lesbian vampires say to each other?
A:See you in a month.

My burger came with pickles, even though I didn’t want any. Now I gotta dill with it.

Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy...
However, that's not the case.

The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest
Hoping one would win?
But no pun in-ten-did!

How does a rancher find new cows to buy.
He looks through the cattlelog.

When Theodore emerged from the rabbit hole,
he was un-warren Ted.

My friend tiled my roof for me.
I asked him how much I owed him?
He said "Nothing - it's on the house"

I can't believe they want to defund the Police. That band was very popular in the 80's.

I like taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.
My doctor says i have selfie steam issues.

I'm afraid of toilets. Any toilet. I don't know why but it just scares the shit out of me.

Did you hear about the flasher who was going to retire?
He decided to stick it out for another year.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet.
But only for like 20 seconds.
And only once.

Started reading a book about Fort Knox.
It’s really hard to get into.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent!

25 PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup. I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

"Do not be angry with the rain; it simply does not know how to fall upwards."
- Vladimir Nabokov

A python just swallowed my Paula Abdul CD.
He's a cold hearted snake.

What do you call a 100 year old ant?
An ANTique 😁😁😁

A lawyer went to the local Police Station to
certify some documents. When he entered, he found one police officer reading the Bible. The lawyer became curious and asked the policeman "Who killed Abel, Adam's son?" The policeman answered, "I don't know, ask Sgt. Khumalo over there? He is the one who deals with murder cases..."

A lawyer went to the local Police Station to
certify some documents. When he entered, he found one police officer reading the Bible. The lawyer became curious and asked the policeman "Who killed Abel, Adam's son?" The policeman answered, "I don't know, ask Sgt. Khumalo over there? He is the one who deals with murder cases..."

What do you call a guy who's always listening?
Mike.

Wanted to brighten up the yard so I planted some bulbs.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of some 80s bands.
There's no cure!

A group of LGBT just asked me for directions, I told em to go straight!

A 3 year old just gave me a one-legged Batman doll.
Sure it's a great gift but I seriously can't stand it.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note Dear Sir,Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Son: "I wonder what is at the end of the internet."

Dad: (talking behind his newspaper)"..The letter "t"..."
😎

My brother went to the doctor and said, 'Some days, I get the strange feeling that I'm a golf club.'
The doctor said, 'Can I join?'

Did you know, Peter, I got a new set of golf clubs for my wife last week.'
'Oh, David, what a bargain.'

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."

"Charlie, why don't you play golf with Ted any more?" Charlie's wife asked.
"Would you play golf with a chap who moved the ball with his foot when he thought you weren't watching?" Charlie replied.
"Well, no," admitted his wife.
"And neither will Ted," replied the dejected husband.

Why did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it.

How did the soccer field end up as a triangle?
Somebody took a corner.

What can be served but cannot be eaten?
A tennis ball.

What does a baseball pitcher like to do on his birthday?
Throw a party.

A man is about to be married and is waiting outside the church with his bride-to-be. Beside them are his golf clubs.
His bride asks him, "Why have you brought your golf clubs to the church on our wedding day?"
The groom replied, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

What is the noisiest game?
Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet!

Why was the football coach yelling at the vending machine?
He wanted his quarter back.

What do you call an ant that cannot talk?
A mutant 😁😀

Can't believe that I've just finished my degree in Archeology!
My life is in ruins now !!

Bro, can you tell me what the meaning of 'procrastinate' is?
I'll tell you later.

Q:What did the big phone say to the small phone?
A:You're too young to get engaged...

Q:What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A:You're too young to smoke...

Appropriate name for identical twins.
Peter, Re-Peter.

Man 1: I’m going to Africa.
Man 2: Kenya ?
Man 1: Yes. I think I can.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Whats snacks do wizards eat when they go to the seaside?
Sand Witches!

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Wheres my tractor?

когда выбрал переводчика подешевле...
"UnZip and click 'finish'" переводится как 'Расстегните ширинку и пощёлкайте концом"

Caught my dog listening to country. Now he's lickin' for love in all the wrong places.

Q: What is the speed limit of sex?
A: 68mph. At 69 you have to turn around

Just had a fish
crap on me.
Little bass turd.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.

A cement mixer has been stolen. The police have some clues, but nothing concrete....

What do we want?
Hearing aids!
When do we want them?
Hearing aids!

My first time on an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time really let me down.

My colleague can no longer attend next week's Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'.

My scoliosis was so bad, I was hunched over and convinced there was nothing any doctor or surgeon could do to fix me; but I stand corrected!

Birthdays are nice and everything.
But too many will kill you.

Wont be able to come into work today cause I am sick.
How sick are you ?
I'm in bed with my sister.

I love fat girls 😍, no matter where you grab them it feels like titties.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.

The tallest building in my city is the library because it has the most stories.

When I said I liked it rough, I meant the sex, Not the whole fuckin relationship.

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me........... “hold that ladder still”

На время самоизоляции Роман Абрамович решил купить себе Таиланд. На кассе у него спрашивают:
- Пхукет брать будете?

Why did the orange go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling very well...

I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.
I think she’s beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

What is the opposite of Domino's?
...
Domi doesn't know!!!

Just bought a wooden computer. Having trouble logging on.

Did you hear about the athlete who won a gold medal? He was so happy that he took it home and had it bronzed.

I just finished writing a book on penguins, now that I think about it, it would have been easier to do it on paper.

I'm always making jokes about buttsex to my wife.
She just thinks I'm trying to be a pain in the ass.

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1,000!
They took a bag of popcorn, a large coke and a box of candy.