Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Two wrongs don’t make a right but two rights can make an aeroplane.

A bee finds out his queen bee is cheating on him. That really stings.

Why do you get served only one egg for breakfast in France?
Because, in France, an egg is un oeuf.

There was a swimming competition between two cats. The first cat was named un deux trois, the second was named one two three. Which cat won the race?

One two three, because un deux trois quatre cinq.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the best book he ever read.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."
So we stopped playing chess.

- Сара, вот теперь я думаю, что зря не слушал моих родителей.
- Моня, а шо они тебе говорили?
- Не знаю, я же не слушал.

What part of a cabbage can u not eat.
The wheelchair.

Not all math puns are funny.
Just sum.

I thought I was pregnant, but it was a missed conception.

Job interview:
Can you perform under pressure?
No, but I can do an excellent Bohemian Rhapsody!

Did you hear about the missing Scandinavian airline pilot?
He simply vanished into Finnair!

My wife has started manufacturing tennis equipment.
I couldn’t sleep last night with the racket she was making

They’re adding a second floor to the local library building.....
But that’s another story

I couldn't understand why my dog was motionless. Then I realized...
It was on paws.

Argentina might not be cold in the summer, but it is pretty close to chilly.

Does anyone know, if you need a current licence to drive an electric car ?

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

I was going to tell a great joke about oceans, but it might be...
...too deep. 🌊

After my wife threw the 6th cricket ball at me...
...I knew it was over!!

I met a cyclist the other day who told me a pack of lies.

When I asked questions he started back-pedalling......

A former atheist is a no less suspicious creature than a pregnant virgin.

It is reported that many resort hotels have towels so thick and fluffy that you can hardly close your suitcase.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Why did the farmer start a punk band?
He was tired if haulin' oats.

I bet the person who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing their hands together?

So my girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

A woman is pregnant with Triplets when she goes to the bank. A robber comes in and shoots her three times, hitting all three babies. Thankfully they all survived but the bullets were lodged inside them. Her surgeon told her they’d be ok but on their 18th birthday they’ll piss out the bullet.

18 years pass and the day arrived. First son calls, “Mom, I just pissed out a bullet”. Second son calls, “Mom I woke up this morning and there was a bullet in the bed!” Finally her third son calls, “holy fuck mom, i was jerking off and I just came so hard I shot the dog!”

Puns about Communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

Knock knock: who’s there?
Haley. Haley who?
Haley girl is your daddy home, did he go and leave you all alone? Oh oh oh I’m on fire.

The bicycle spoke in a flat tired voice.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.

Back in my dating days I went parking in a cemetery with my girlfriend. Policeman taps on my window.. “Didn’t you see that sign that said closed at 9 o’clock?” “No sir, we came in by the sign that said get lots while you’re young...”

I worked at a local cemetery. I was the one responsible for making the holes are 6ft deep...
Never actually dig this job though.

When I die I wanna be buried upside down so everyone can kiss my arse!!!

Saw a man in the cemetery and said “Morning”.
He said “No I’m just walking the dog”!

Where can you find the cemetery???
Dead centre of town.

I actually work at a cemetery.
I never get any complaints from the residents.

Q: What do you want on your Tombstone?
A: pepperoni and cheese.

Last week a light plane crashed in our local cemetery, they've been digging up body's for 5 days.

I hate to hear that the cemetery groundskeeper died. Poor guy. Always so busy. He'll be buried in his work forever now.

The minister buried the deceased in the wrong plot.
He was gravely mistaken.

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

My uncle was crushed to death by a piano.
His funeral was very low key 😂

I have a step ladder...i never knew my real ladder.

Everytime my bike hurts me, I punch it right back. It’s a vicious cycle.

Covid update: If you play guitar, always use hand Santanagizer before and after.

This guy said to me, "I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar."

I said, "Is that a fret?"

Why do they put railings around a cemetery?
People in can’t get out and people out don’t want to go in.

After a friends funeral we all went to the cemetery I asked the widow “do you mind if I say a word?” She said “no go right ahead” I stood up and I said “plethora”. She said “thanks that means a lot”

"Do you dig graves?"
"Well I mean, they're alright."

I work in a hospital. The patients are dying to get out.

Why do they build fences around cemeteries?
People are dying to get in there.

Q. Do you know who's buried in that cemetery?
A. Dead people.

Why can’t people living on Main Street be buried in the cemetery across the road?
Because they’re still alive 😂😂😂

Why is it quicker to walk through a cemetery,
if you drive you've got to go dead slow.

Went to see the doctor last week as I had a Tom Jones song constantly playing in my head every minute of the day. He replied "It's not unusual".
Went back a week later with another song constantly playing in my head by Sinead O'Connor. Guess what he told me? Guess what he told me?

A backward poet writes inverse.

I gave my Ford Fiesta some Adderall.
Now its a Ford Focus.

Q:Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
A:Because the sea men are trying to get to the navel base.

I always wanted to be an astronaut like my Dad.
He always wanted to be an astronaut as well.

Puns are like farts. We all make 'em but some of us are just a little more proud of them than others.

I was denied insurance on my tent. If it blew away, I won't be covered.

My wife left me because of my gambling.
Any tips on how I can win her back?

Did you hear the rumor about peanut butter? I could tell you but I don’t want to be the one to spread it !

A man is about to have sex with a fat chick,so he climbs on top & says,"can i turn the light off?"."Why are you shy?" "No" he says,"it's burnin my arse".

If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that’s technically a dream come true.

I asked several people what a deer with no eyes was called but they said no idea.

I then asked what do you call a deer with one eye... Strange how all of them suddenly had one idea.

If you cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.

I just heard an Elton John joke. It's a little bit funny.

Bloke walks into a pub sees a sign cheese sandwich $1 50 chicken sandwich $2 50 blow job $10 he checks his wallet then calls one of the beautiful bar ladies and quietly asks "are you the one that does blow jobs" " yes I am" she replied he said good "go and wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich

Boss: I pay you just enough so you don't quit.
Me: I work just enough so you don't fire me.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I once dated a twin. A friend asked how I tell them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right check and Frank has a beard.

Senior wife says to her hubby: What would you do if i started smoking?
Senior hubby says to wifey: I would slow down & use more lube.

What do you call bees that are fat? Obeese.

Why does Putin get speeding tickets?
He's always Russian here and there.

Doctors: How to deal with COVID-19 positively.
Mathematicians: |COVID-19|

My frequent chiropractor visits turned me into a crack addict.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"