Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"Don't tell people about your problems... 90% don't care, & the other 10% are glad you have them."

I was never a fan of organ donation until I had a change of heart.

Rob kissed his wife, crawled into bed and fell asleep. All of a sudden, he woke up to find an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing at the foot of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?... and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Rob. "I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is yours."
Rob thought about it for a while, and figured that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.
"I want to return as a hen."
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came another hen.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Pe! ter told me about," she said.
"How do you like being a hen?"
"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like I am going to explode."
"Oh that!" said the other hen. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."
"How do I do that?" Rob asked.
"Cluck twice, and then push all you can."
Rob clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Rob said, "That felt really good!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was another egg on the ground.
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Rob, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!

I wanna open a woman only gym and call it g-spot.
Men wouldn't find it.

I told a hermaphrodite to go screw himself, and she did.

I'm afraid of pastries.They give me the crêpes.

What’s a rat’s favorite form of art?
Mousaic

I went to see my lawyer about divorcing my wife.
She hasn’t spoken to me for six months.
He said”Are you sure.
Wives like that are hard to come by”

For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.

When my wife says: "I've been thinking"
This means I'm about to rearrange, move, fix, paint or go pick her mom up at the airport.

I asked a friend why she prefers Russian porn.
She said because Russian porn gets me Soviet.

I found out why nurses carry red crayons
In case they have to draw blood.

Therapist: Fuck anyone who doesn't understand you!
Me: That's a lot of sex

Anal Sex: The only time a man tries to convince you his dick really isn't that big.

Q:Why was the ancient Egyptian kid sad?
A:Because his daddy was a mummy!

Q: Why was Tigger's head stuck in the toilet?
A: He was looking for Pooh.

I'm writing a book about the wind.
At the moment it's only a draft!

What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur.

Dad: Knock knock
Son: Who’s there?
Dad: Interrupting cow
Son: Interr.....
Dad: MOOOOOOOO

-- Казимир Малевич, боюсь, что мы не можем взять ваш квадрат на выставку.
-- Это потому что он чёрный ?!?

My buddy got a dog and asked me if I had anything to help him. I gave him a rope.

Its the leash I could do.
🐕

If you see a dude walking down your street singing in a suit of armor, would you just close your curtains and
..call it a knight?

Vegan: Pudding please.
Me: Sorry no pudding for you.
Vegan: Why?
Me: How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?🔥

...A cargo ship carrying yo-yos has hit an iceberg in the North Atlantic..so far it has sunk sixty three times....

If you cut your left arm, then your right arm will be left.

What does a dinosaur decorate his house with?.....
....... reptiles

I’ve just bought a new sat nav made by U2,
The streets have no name and I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.

A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" Asked the owner.
"I'm blind. Just bring me one of your dirty forks.. I will smell it &
order."
The confused owner got a fork. The blind man smelt the fork with a deep breath. "Yes, I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables.
"Unbelievable!" thought the owner.
The blind man ate and left. 2 weeks later the blind man returned.
The owner, wanting to see how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking.
He said, "Do me a favor and rub this fork over your private part!", which she does!
He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it, puts it to his nose and says "Fuck me"..., I never knew Brenda worked here!"
Owner fainted.

People from Poland are called Poles but why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Great news..
I've just got a job at the chess factory, bad news is I'm on knights next week.

Just saw my neighbor fill his canoe with ice cream and rootbeer.

Kinda strange but hey, whatever floats his boat.
🛶

I was teased in middle school.
They called me an elephant.
I'll never forget that.

My wife said... "is it just me or is the cat getting fat"?
Apparently "no its just you" was not the right answer 🙄

Breaking News.
A man has collapsed whilst on the London Eye.
Paramedics say he is slowly coming round.

I've just left my job at the helium factory.
There's no way I'm being spoken to in that tone.

I've started a business building yachts in my attic.
Sails are through the roof.

Went into the kitchen this morning, the wife was face-down and not breathing. I panicked and didn't know what to do. Then I remembered that McDonald's do breakfast until 11.00 am.

I saw a small flying mammal somersault into a lake, so I rushed to help it.
It was alright....it was an aqua bat.

My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s when you flip a MOM over.

If you only sucked average sized penises, you could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

A man has gone to A&E after a bizarre sex game went wrong leaving him with 6 toy horses stuck up his arse.
Doctors have described his condition as stable!!!

В прачечной я встала на колени перед стиральной машиной, чтобы покаяться, потому что стираю белые вещи отдельно от цветных.

Used to have a swimming addiction but I’ve been dry for 6 months.

An older man threw a piece of Cheese at me.
I turned around and said That's not very mature.

The other day I took my Grandma to one of those fish spas where the little fish eat your dead skin.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Saw a book on 'How To Get Rich'. Couldn't afford to buy the fuckin' thing.

The bookstore had a book that said, This Will Solve half of your problems. I bought two of them.

There are two types of people in the world: 1)Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets.

What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi.

I recently took a poll, and found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.

Education is not the learning of Facts But, the training of Minds to Think. Albert Einstein

The best way to get over someone, is with a car.

I once tried to make a poultry sandwich but the meat was too shaky and sweaty....
It was cold turkey!

An old lady was knitting and driving at the same time. A Cop saw this and shouted 'Pull Over'...'NO' she replied it's a Scarf

What’s next? Santa can’t say HO HO HO cuz it’s offensive to your mom.

Some business news:

My friend opened an undercover shop buying and selling skeletons....
It was no bodies business!

My friend Lee goes by his middle name because his first name is Unfortunate.

Fact: There have never been any successful jokes about the Jonestown Massacre. It's because the punch line is always too long.

I heard that Humpty Dumpty had a terrible Winter.
Which is quite odd because he had a great Fall.

What did the plumber say when he left his wife?
Its over flo........

A Pig without 3,14 is 9,8.

What's do European ghosts eat?
Ghoulash!

6 REASONS WHY MEN PREFER GUNS TO WOMEN.......
1. You can trade an old 45 for a 22
2. You can admire a friends gun & he'll let you try it;
3. Your gun stays with you even if you run out of ammo;
4. Guns function normally everyday;
5. A Gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it;
And the best one........

6. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN :)

The man who makes the giant eclairs at our local patisserie retires next month.
Whoever replaces him has some big chouxs to fill.

Q:What do lesbian vampires say to each other?
A:See you in a month.

My burger came with pickles, even though I didn’t want any. Now I gotta dill with it.

Finding your lost luggage at the airport should be easy...
However, that's not the case.

The decision to legalize marijuana was made by a high government official.

I entered 10 puns in a pun contest
Hoping one would win?
But no pun in-ten-did!

How does a rancher find new cows to buy.
He looks through the cattlelog.

When Theodore emerged from the rabbit hole,
he was un-warren Ted.

My friend tiled my roof for me.
I asked him how much I owed him?
He said "Nothing - it's on the house"

I can't believe they want to defund the Police. That band was very popular in the 80's.

I like taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.
My doctor says i have selfie steam issues.

I'm afraid of toilets. Any toilet. I don't know why but it just scares the shit out of me.

Did you hear about the flasher who was going to retire?
He decided to stick it out for another year.

I had a goldfish that could break dance on the carpet.
But only for like 20 seconds.
And only once.

Started reading a book about Fort Knox.
It’s really hard to get into.

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth. Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent!

25 PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS

1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.