Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet.
I get hungry....!

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a "go vegan" t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he has been slapped, spit on, punched, thrown down the stairs & had a bottle thrown at him! I am curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

Wife: Honey the vacuum isn't sucking.
Husband: Frustrating isn't it ?

I masturbated so good last night that when i woke up my clit was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

I made graph of all my past relationships.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I went to the store to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for the week-end.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I'd picked 7 up.

People must not cough near you, they must cough far away. If you hear someone coughing, tell them to... far cough.

😂😂😂

A woman goes to the dentist and wait her turn. The dentist calls her in and she takes off her underwear and sits down and puts her legs up. The dentist says I’m sorry but I’m not a gynecologist and the woman says I know but I need you to take my husband’s teeth out.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work...

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.

My girlfriend and I are both anthropologists, but we date other people.

When I was in the office today I could hear music coming from the printer. Turns out it was the paper jamming

If you asked a taxi driver how much it would cost to drive you somewhere, would that be a...
...fare question?

Bill Clinton said the reason he kept Monica around was she had the whitest teeth that he had ever Cum across.

Wife just said "You treat this place like a hotel".
She may regret it when I give a low score on Tripadvisor for "rude staff".

"Another new dress," shouted the husband. "Where do you think I'm going to get the money from to pay for it?"
"I didn't marry you to give you financial advice" she replied with complete nonchalance.

Just met Leo Sayer in the local pub he said " You look like Ted from Cheers "
He made me feel like Danson.

Without is with "out" and with is without "out" . How strange .

I slept with my best friends wife last night and now I feel absolutely fucking awful.
Hope it's not Covid.

I always knock on the fridge door before I open it
There could be a salad dressing.

Will you stop bothering me unless you're gonna lend me money?!
Why don't you LEAVE ME A LOAN?!

A man went to his doctor with an unusual issue.
"Every time I pass gas, it sounds like ‘Honda," he said.
The doctor frowned and shook his head.
“I can’t help you, but I know who can,” the doctor said. He made me an appointment with a Chinese dentist.
A couple of days later, unsure what kind of help a Chinese doctor would be for his embarrassing problem, the man showed up for the appointment.
“Open up your mouth and let me look at your teeth,” the Chinese doctor told him.
Seconds later, he said, “Ah, so! Here’s problem. You have abscess!”
“What possibly could an abscess have to do with making my fart sound like Honda?” the man asked.
The dentist replied; "Have you not heard old Chinese proverb -- 'Abscess makes the fart go Honda'? "

I went to my barber and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise so he gave me a cushion to sit on.

Dating a church girl is the best... I cheat, she finds out, we pray together and blame the devil.

Was at the wife’s grave today.
Well, she thinks I’m digging a pondWas at the wife’s grave today.
Well, she thinks I’m digging a pond.

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood."
― Oscar Wilde

I keep asking people what the word 'faggot' means but no one ever gives me a straight answer.

I said to my wife this morning
“why do we always argue about everything?” she replied
“Well if I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong”

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. she searched and Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.
As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, “I’m lonely too, buy me and you won’t be sorry.”
The old Lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn’t found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car. Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, “Kiss me, you won’t be sorry.” So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?
The first motel she could find. (She’s old, not dead! )

My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight.
She needs to lighten up....!

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from
the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line.
It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter.
I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted.
Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am.
The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50."

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you're bad luck....."

I haven't seen a lot of programming languages but I think python is pretty Intelligent
Cause it has a lot of libraries🤔

Two cowboys talking about sex one says " what's your favorite position " 1st one says rodeo position" 2nd one says never heard of that what is it " well you get the wife to get down on all fours mount her from behind reach round and cup her tits and whisper these feel almost like your sisters then try and hold on for 30seconds.

Q:What!s a Transvestite?
A:Ask your Mother! He'll tell you.

I told my dad; When I'm grown up, I want to be a drummer.
He said; You can't be both things son.

What's the best cure for water on the knee ?
A tap on the ankle .

The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit he asked the monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor said, "Next Sunday, it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly." The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great,However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the monsignor. It read: 1. Next time, sip rather than gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. We do not refer to the cross as the big "T� 5. The recommended grace before meals is not " rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God." 6. Do not refer to our savior, Jesus Christ and his apostles as "J.C. and The boys". 7. David slew Goliath. He did not kick the shit out of him." 8. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are never referred to as"Big Daddy, Junior and, The Spook". 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never "Mary with the Cherry". 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a taffy pulling contest as St. Peters.There will not be a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy�s. 11. Jesus was Consecrated, NOT constipated. 12. Jesus said,"Take this and eat it, for it is my body, "he did not say, "Eat me." 13. Jacob wagered his donkey, he didn�t "beat his ass." David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, he wasn�t "stoned off his ass.

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.

A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says " OK, I'll spend the night with you, but I've got to let you know up front that I'm on my menstrual cycle. The loser looks at her and says " That's OK. I'll follow you on my Moped.

There's been so much more office romance at work since I became self employed.

Q:How many wrinkles does an asshole have?
A:Why don't you smile & I can count them...

Of all my body parts, I love my fingers the best.

I can always count on them!!

My wife asked me if I would load the dishwasher and got mad when I got her a bottle of wine.

Internet dating,
❤
the odds are good,
but the goods are odd.

How to be Happy ?
- Stop expecting anything from anyone and see the magic yourself.

Where would we be without Google Maps?

Has anybody else bought a Covid-19 testing kit from Wish?
I did, and apparently I'm pregnant!

I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report
a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

What do gardeners do when they retire?

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society......

I spilled the beans ! 😆

Is it just me or are circles pointless??

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.
After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool..The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, .."See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!".She is aching for action at this point...Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door...He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?".She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery

I've had some bad news today. My doctor told me that I'm allergic to spray deodorant!
Never mind, roll on tomorrow...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied...
"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved for the fourth time and sat under the sign that said "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"..I just lost it.
"CASE DISMISSED!!"

Paddy is sitting in a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs.
To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my vagina?"
"Yes, I'm sorry," Paddy replies and promises to avert his eyes.
"It's quite all right," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."
Sure enough the vagina blows him a kiss.
Paddy, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder vagina can do.
"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Paddy stares in amazement as the vagina winks at him.
"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat.
Paddy moves over and she smiles and asks, "Would you like to stick 2 fingers in?"
Stunned, Paddy replies, "You're kidding-you mean it can whistle, too?".

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long.
The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran.

Each time you light your lighter it gets lighter and lighter until it’s so light it won’t light.

The mother had three virgin daughters. All three got married almost at the same time and went on a honeymoon. The mother was very worried about the beginning of their sexual life, and asked them to send her at least a few words how it's going.
The first one sent a postcard from Hawaii, just after two days after the wedding. On top of it there was just one word: "Nescafe". Her mother ran into the kitchen, find a coffee "Nescafe" and read on the label: "Blessing" until the last drop". Mother blushed, but was satisfied with her daughter's happiness.
The second daughter sent the postcard from Jamaica a few days later, where she read "Benson n Hedges" cigars. She immediately went to the man's room, where she found his "Benson Hedges" and read "Extra Long cigars. King Size". She again shyly blushed, but was happy for her daughter.
The third daughter went off for the honeymoon to Caribbean. Mother was waiting for
the week – nothing. Week later - nothing again. Only a month later finally got a postcard, where with the trembling hand was written "British Airways". Mother quickly found a journal and began to look for what she was afraid about, and then she found British Airways advertisement and read: "Three times a day, seven days a week, in both ends!"

-Are you all right?
-No, I'm half left.

My sex life has improved dramatically since my wife died.
She takes it up the arse now.

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."

A young woman brings home her fiancé to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" the father asks the young man.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar. Hmm." the father says. "Admirable, but what how will you provide a home for my daughter to live in, as she's accustomed to?"
"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?" asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"
"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father asks a question, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, honey?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I'm God

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. And then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!"
The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "
The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars... but realistically, we're living with two tramps and a queer."

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and Johnny lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K k k kiss (sniff) it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

Condom marketing at it's best !!
(Hilarious) 10 funny condom slogans:
1. If you're nude, tube your dude!
2. Don't be silly. Protect your willy!
3. Wrap your tool, to catch the drool!
4. Cover your hose, then curl her toes!
5. Wrap your stump before you hump!
6. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener!
7. If you think its funky, cover your monkey!
8. Don't make a mistake. Cover your snake!
9. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong!
10. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it!

cat and a rooster are sitting by a pool, the cat falls in and the rooster laughs, the cat says a wet pussy always makes a cock happy.

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV..

A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.
He said, "This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon -- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked -- "You want the 'Bridal'?"
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it!"

If you must insist on sending me pics of your boobs,
please at least be fucking female.

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flys like a banana.

Did you know that you don't wash your hands, you just stand there watching them wash themselves like a creep.

I really dislike Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

I don't yet have a perfect knowledge of how to do origami in reverse, but it is slowly unfolding.

You should never make fun out of a dyslexic dwarf.
It’s not big and it’s not clever!

Hillbilly weddingnight! They are in the bedroom, undressing. She says: " you have to be very careful with me, I am still a virgin!" He pulls up his pants runs out of the room. Sprints all the way home to his father and tells him about his virgin bride. Father says:" thanks god, son, good you didn't touch that bitch! If she isn't even good enough for her own family what does that filthy piece want with us?!"