Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note Dear Sir,Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is incandescent with rage now because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: Dear Sir,Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Son: "I wonder what is at the end of the internet."

Dad: (talking behind his newspaper)"..The letter "t"..."
😎

My brother went to the doctor and said, 'Some days, I get the strange feeling that I'm a golf club.'
The doctor said, 'Can I join?'

Did you know, Peter, I got a new set of golf clubs for my wife last week.'
'Oh, David, what a bargain.'

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."

"Charlie, why don't you play golf with Ted any more?" Charlie's wife asked.
"Would you play golf with a chap who moved the ball with his foot when he thought you weren't watching?" Charlie replied.
"Well, no," admitted his wife.
"And neither will Ted," replied the dejected husband.

Why did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it.

How did the soccer field end up as a triangle?
Somebody took a corner.

What can be served but cannot be eaten?
A tennis ball.

What does a baseball pitcher like to do on his birthday?
Throw a party.

A man is about to be married and is waiting outside the church with his bride-to-be. Beside them are his golf clubs.
His bride asks him, "Why have you brought your golf clubs to the church on our wedding day?"
The groom replied, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

What is the noisiest game?
Squash - because you can't play it without raising a racquet!

Why was the football coach yelling at the vending machine?
He wanted his quarter back.

What do you call an ant that cannot talk?
A mutant 😁😀

Can't believe that I've just finished my degree in Archeology!
My life is in ruins now !!

Bro, can you tell me what the meaning of 'procrastinate' is?
I'll tell you later.

Q:What did the big phone say to the small phone?
A:You're too young to get engaged...

Q:What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A:You're too young to smoke...

Appropriate name for identical twins.
Peter, Re-Peter.

Man 1: I’m going to Africa.
Man 2: Kenya ?
Man 1: Yes. I think I can.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Whats snacks do wizards eat when they go to the seaside?
Sand Witches!

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
Wheres my tractor?

когда выбрал переводчика подешевле...
"UnZip and click 'finish'" переводится как 'Расстегните ширинку и пощёлкайте концом"

Caught my dog listening to country. Now he's lickin' for love in all the wrong places.

Q: What is the speed limit of sex?
A: 68mph. At 69 you have to turn around

Just had a fish
crap on me.
Little bass turd.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer.
I saw it through my telescope last night.

A cement mixer has been stolen. The police have some clues, but nothing concrete....

What do we want?
Hearing aids!
When do we want them?
Hearing aids!

My first time on an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time really let me down.

My colleague can no longer attend next week's Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am.
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her.
She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.
He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.
He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
'I was behind you at McDonalds'.

My scoliosis was so bad, I was hunched over and convinced there was nothing any doctor or surgeon could do to fix me; but I stand corrected!

Birthdays are nice and everything.
But too many will kill you.

Wont be able to come into work today cause I am sick.
How sick are you ?
I'm in bed with my sister.

I love fat girls 😍, no matter where you grab them it feels like titties.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
He told me to stop going to those places.

The tallest building in my city is the library because it has the most stories.

When I said I liked it rough, I meant the sex, Not the whole fuckin relationship.

I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me........... “hold that ladder still”

На время самоизоляции Роман Абрамович решил купить себе Таиланд. На кассе у него спрашивают:
- Пхукет брать будете?

Why did the orange go to the doctor?
Because he wasn't peeling very well...

I called my wife and said that I’ll pick up Burger and Fries on the way home from work. I was met with stony silence.
I think she’s beginning to regret letting me name the twins.

What is the opposite of Domino's?
...
Domi doesn't know!!!

Just bought a wooden computer. Having trouble logging on.

Did you hear about the athlete who won a gold medal? He was so happy that he took it home and had it bronzed.

I just finished writing a book on penguins, now that I think about it, it would have been easier to do it on paper.

I'm always making jokes about buttsex to my wife.
She just thinks I'm trying to be a pain in the ass.

It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do.

Last night a movie theater was robbed of over $1,000!
They took a bag of popcorn, a large coke and a box of candy.

Two wrongs don’t make a right but two rights can make an aeroplane.

A bee finds out his queen bee is cheating on him. That really stings.

Why do you get served only one egg for breakfast in France?
Because, in France, an egg is un oeuf.

There was a swimming competition between two cats. The first cat was named un deux trois, the second was named one two three. Which cat won the race?

One two three, because un deux trois quatre cinq.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday.
He said it was the best book he ever read.

I was playing chess with my friend and he said, "Let’s make this interesting."
So we stopped playing chess.

- Сара, вот теперь я думаю, что зря не слушал моих родителей.
- Моня, а шо они тебе говорили?
- Не знаю, я же не слушал.

What part of a cabbage can u not eat.
The wheelchair.

Not all math puns are funny.
Just sum.

I thought I was pregnant, but it was a missed conception.

Job interview:
Can you perform under pressure?
No, but I can do an excellent Bohemian Rhapsody!

Did you hear about the missing Scandinavian airline pilot?
He simply vanished into Finnair!

My wife has started manufacturing tennis equipment.
I couldn’t sleep last night with the racket she was making

They’re adding a second floor to the local library building.....
But that’s another story

I couldn't understand why my dog was motionless. Then I realized...
It was on paws.

Argentina might not be cold in the summer, but it is pretty close to chilly.

Does anyone know, if you need a current licence to drive an electric car ?

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

I was going to tell a great joke about oceans, but it might be...
...too deep. 🌊

After my wife threw the 6th cricket ball at me...
...I knew it was over!!

I met a cyclist the other day who told me a pack of lies.

When I asked questions he started back-pedalling......

A former atheist is a no less suspicious creature than a pregnant virgin.

It is reported that many resort hotels have towels so thick and fluffy that you can hardly close your suitcase.

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Why did the farmer start a punk band?
He was tired if haulin' oats.

I bet the person who invented hand sanitizer is rubbing their hands together?

So my girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back.

A woman is pregnant with Triplets when she goes to the bank. A robber comes in and shoots her three times, hitting all three babies. Thankfully they all survived but the bullets were lodged inside them. Her surgeon told her they’d be ok but on their 18th birthday they’ll piss out the bullet.

18 years pass and the day arrived. First son calls, “Mom, I just pissed out a bullet”. Second son calls, “Mom I woke up this morning and there was a bullet in the bed!” Finally her third son calls, “holy fuck mom, i was jerking off and I just came so hard I shot the dog!”