Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Me " Do you have the book about small dicks ? "

Librarian " I don`t think it`s in yet "

Me " That`s the one "

My friend claims that he "accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.

I started a band called 999 megabytes. I still haven't got a gig yet.

I got pulled over last week, when I gave the cop my driver's license he took a double take then asked me, "what's your name"? I said it's D D DA D David. He said, "you got a stutter boy"! I said, no sir, my dad had a stutter and the guy filling out the birth certificate was a real jerk!

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes
John: I want to be rich
Genie: Done
Rich: But noting happened

I'm addicted to buying Beatles albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help!?

I'm addicted to buying Beatles albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help!?

I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.

Looking for a wife to cook, clean, snuggle, laugh at my jokes, make love, then fuck off home when her husband calls.

I thought there would be more training when I became a garbageman, but you really just pick it up as you go.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.

Fact: Sharks can only attack you if you're wet.

Two old guys on the porch are watching a dog lick his balls. One guy says, "I wish I could do that." The second guy suggests, "You ought to try petting him first."

Did you know... theres a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on." The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed"

At the old folks home, Sam & Arlene have their special way of intimacy. Arlene holds Sam's penis while they watch TV. A new resident moves in and Arlene is shocked to find Sam sitting next to her as the new woman holds Sam's penis. Later, Arlene confronts Sam asking, "What has she got that I haven't got?" Sam sheepishly replies, "Parkinson's"

Sent my hearing aid off for repair a month ago.
I've heard nothing since....

Detective: “Tell me what you saw"
Carpenter: “Wood, mostly"

You don't need math to be good at programming
(And other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself )

So my wife walked out on me after I spent our life savings on a penis extension... She said she just couldn't take it any longer!

It'll be alright in the end...and if it's not alright, then it's not the end yet.... (Exotic Marigold Hotel)

My mannequin is broken and I can't stand it anymore!

jokes about unemployment aren't working

I went out to eat last night. The hostess asked if we had reservations. I said yes plenty but we came anyway.

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked what was wrong. "Nothing," said the woman. Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?" "Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you." "Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father's Day gift." "Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."

Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry, "Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?" Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said, "Sam, I'm really glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

I've just been diagnosed as clinically obese - as if I haven't got enough on my plate!

How lucky I'm, I've married a girl who is already pregnant.

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out "Two genies!" he exclaims. "That must mean six wishes!" "Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin'," say the genies, "and hurry up". The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him. After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills. The guy can hardly believe his luck. Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to open it, when two hooded KKK members throw a rope around his neck and string him up naked until he is dead. The two then take off their white hoods to reveal that they are, in fact, the two genies, both looking rather puzzled. The first genie turns to the second and says, "I can understand the beautiful woman and all the money in the world, by why on earth would you want to be hung like a black man?"

What's Beethoven up to these days?
-Decomposing.

This man went out with the boys, and told his wife that he be home by midnight. At around 3 AM, drunk as a skunk, he headed for home. Just as he got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly he realized she'd probably wake up so he cuckooed another 9 times. He was really proud of myself, having a quick, witty solution, even when smashed, to escape possible conflict. Next morning, his wife asked him what time he got in, and he told her 12 o'clock. She didn't seem disturbed at all. Then she told him that they needed a new cuckoo clock. When he asked her why, she said "Well it cuckooed 3 times, then said 'oh fuck', cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3, giggled, cuckooed 2 more times and farted.

There's a guy going around stealing iPhones. At some point he's going to face time....

"Concerning non-violence: it is criminal to teach a man not to defend himself when he is the constant victim of brutal attacks." ~Malcolm X

My girlfriend told me that she had had sex with 5 people before we met. I wouldn`t have minded but I was only 25 minutes late !

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

Caught my son picking up a dropped pencil
Noticed that he held his hand next to his heart while doing that
On asking why did he do that
He told me ..
' in school - the teacher bent to pick up the duster and both her "lungs" fell out .

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket...

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."

Anal sex is keeping my wife really fit..
Everytime I mention it she runs a fucking mile!!..

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you dont’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation society meeting, so I just came in my pants.

My uncle was a conductor.
Q: In an orchestra,
or on a train?
A: Neither. He was struck by lightning!

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
'Tell me', said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'
'Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

My girlfriend asked me how Jesus stayed so fit back then. I told her it was CrossFit.

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Q:What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
A:Nobody knows.

A Swedish pop group has created a cartoon image of themselves on Facebook.

It's their Abbatar.

Tomorrow I'll create a post about How to stop procrastinating.

Little Johnnie was struggling with arithmetic in his public school. His parents decided to move him to a Catholic school instead. Amazingly, his math grades skyrocketed! His mother asked him about the vast improvement. Johnnie said, "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious."

Even if you put your left shoe on the wrong foot, it's still on the right foot...

I remember when I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

Things Men know about Women:
1:
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
7:
8:
9:
10: Women have Breasts.

When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof I was shocked.

Boy says to girl: Do u like imagine dragons?
Girl: yes
Boy: imagine draggin deez nuts across your chin.

Q:Why don't Chinese play Baseball?
A:Because they eat the bat😎

If we continue wearing masks for next 5 years, Next generation might think that Mouth is a Private Part.

Why are Pizzas made round, cut into triangles then put into a square box?

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he has a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"

The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"

Paddy is on a bus when a young women sat opposite to him starts to breast feed her baby. "Come on eat up or I'll giv it to that man over there" she says to the baby.. 10 min later she is still feedin the baby and says "come on or mummy will giv it to that man ovr there"..Paddy looks over to the woman and says, "For heaven's sake missus will u make ur mind up. I shldv got off this bus 3 stops ago!

I have some dead batteries if anyone wants them, free of charge.

Q:What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A:Only takes one nail to put the picture up.

Two older women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, "I'm thinking of getting a boob-job."
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!"
"Whoa," replied the first woman.
"I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

I don't judge people based on age, race, religion, sexuality, color or gender. I base it on whether they are an asshole or not.

Got complemented on my driving today somebody left a note on my windscreen saying Parking fine.

Q:How do you make a dead baby float?
A:Two scoops of vanilla, one scoop of dead baby.

Q: What goes 'plink, plink, fizz fizz?..... Ans: Two babies falling in a bath of acid!

A cardiologist died. According to his will, he was buried in a heart shape grave. One of the doctors laughed at the grave. People asked "Why did you laugh at the heart shaped grave?" Doctor replied "I am thinking about my grave. I am a Gynecologist!"

WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock!

If you think 2020 is a bad year just wait for 2022 cause 2022 is 2020 too.

Q: what does a woman & Kentucky fried chicken have in common?
A: By the time your finished with the breast and thighs, all u have left is the greasy box to put the bone in!

Q:When does a boyscout become a man?
A:When he eats his first brownie.

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs - enough times and eventually her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile..
"OMG! Thank goodness .... I thought you were sitting on the cat!"

Q: What do a pizza delivery driver & a Gynecologist have in common?
A:They both have to smell it but neither of them gets to eat it.

After watching how some people wear masks, I understand how contraception fails.

Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal for the 1st time.
He says "If it hurts too much yell the safety word & I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".

I had an “hour glass” figure, but then the sand shifted.

A baseball walks into a bar — the bartender throws it out.

If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?