Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Puns about Communism aren't funny unless everyone gets them.

Knock knock: who’s there?
Haley. Haley who?
Haley girl is your daddy home, did he go and leave you all alone? Oh oh oh I’m on fire.

The bicycle spoke in a flat tired voice.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.

Back in my dating days I went parking in a cemetery with my girlfriend. Policeman taps on my window.. “Didn’t you see that sign that said closed at 9 o’clock?” “No sir, we came in by the sign that said get lots while you’re young...”

I worked at a local cemetery. I was the one responsible for making the holes are 6ft deep...
Never actually dig this job though.

When I die I wanna be buried upside down so everyone can kiss my arse!!!

Saw a man in the cemetery and said “Morning”.
He said “No I’m just walking the dog”!

Where can you find the cemetery???
Dead centre of town.

I actually work at a cemetery.
I never get any complaints from the residents.

Q: What do you want on your Tombstone?
A: pepperoni and cheese.

Last week a light plane crashed in our local cemetery, they've been digging up body's for 5 days.

I hate to hear that the cemetery groundskeeper died. Poor guy. Always so busy. He'll be buried in his work forever now.

The minister buried the deceased in the wrong plot.
He was gravely mistaken.

Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

My uncle was crushed to death by a piano.
His funeral was very low key 😂

I have a step ladder...i never knew my real ladder.

Everytime my bike hurts me, I punch it right back. It’s a vicious cycle.

Covid update: If you play guitar, always use hand Santanagizer before and after.

This guy said to me, "I'm going to attack you with the neck of a guitar."

I said, "Is that a fret?"

Why do they put railings around a cemetery?
People in can’t get out and people out don’t want to go in.

After a friends funeral we all went to the cemetery I asked the widow “do you mind if I say a word?” She said “no go right ahead” I stood up and I said “plethora”. She said “thanks that means a lot”

"Do you dig graves?"
"Well I mean, they're alright."

I work in a hospital. The patients are dying to get out.

Why do they build fences around cemeteries?
People are dying to get in there.

Q. Do you know who's buried in that cemetery?
A. Dead people.

Why can’t people living on Main Street be buried in the cemetery across the road?
Because they’re still alive 😂😂😂

Why is it quicker to walk through a cemetery,
if you drive you've got to go dead slow.

Went to see the doctor last week as I had a Tom Jones song constantly playing in my head every minute of the day. He replied "It's not unusual".
Went back a week later with another song constantly playing in my head by Sinead O'Connor. Guess what he told me? Guess what he told me?

A backward poet writes inverse.

I gave my Ford Fiesta some Adderall.
Now its a Ford Focus.

Q:Why do cumshots drip into belly buttons?
A:Because the sea men are trying to get to the navel base.

I always wanted to be an astronaut like my Dad.
He always wanted to be an astronaut as well.

Puns are like farts. We all make 'em but some of us are just a little more proud of them than others.

I was denied insurance on my tent. If it blew away, I won't be covered.

My wife left me because of my gambling.
Any tips on how I can win her back?

Did you hear the rumor about peanut butter? I could tell you but I don’t want to be the one to spread it !

A man is about to have sex with a fat chick,so he climbs on top & says,"can i turn the light off?"."Why are you shy?" "No" he says,"it's burnin my arse".

If you pee in your dream and actually wet the bed, that’s technically a dream come true.

I asked several people what a deer with no eyes was called but they said no idea.

I then asked what do you call a deer with one eye... Strange how all of them suddenly had one idea.

If you cup is only half full, you probably need a different bra.

I just heard an Elton John joke. It's a little bit funny.

Bloke walks into a pub sees a sign cheese sandwich $1 50 chicken sandwich $2 50 blow job $10 he checks his wallet then calls one of the beautiful bar ladies and quietly asks "are you the one that does blow jobs" " yes I am" she replied he said good "go and wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich

Boss: I pay you just enough so you don't quit.
Me: I work just enough so you don't fire me.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

I once dated a twin. A friend asked how I tell them apart. I said Stacy has a beauty mark on her right check and Frank has a beard.

Senior wife says to her hubby: What would you do if i started smoking?
Senior hubby says to wifey: I would slow down & use more lube.

What do you call bees that are fat? Obeese.

Why does Putin get speeding tickets?
He's always Russian here and there.

Doctors: How to deal with COVID-19 positively.
Mathematicians: |COVID-19|

My frequent chiropractor visits turned me into a crack addict.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said, "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet.
I get hungry....!

My son is taking part in a social experiment. He has to wear a "go vegan" t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far he has been slapped, spit on, punched, thrown down the stairs & had a bottle thrown at him! I am curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

Wife: Honey the vacuum isn't sucking.
Husband: Frustrating isn't it ?

I masturbated so good last night that when i woke up my clit was in the kitchen cooking breakfast.

I made graph of all my past relationships.
It has an ex axis and a why axis.

I went to the store to pick up 6 cans of Sprite for the week-end.

It wasn't until I got home that I realized I'd picked 7 up.

People must not cough near you, they must cough far away. If you hear someone coughing, tell them to... far cough.

😂😂😂

A woman goes to the dentist and wait her turn. The dentist calls her in and she takes off her underwear and sits down and puts her legs up. The dentist says I’m sorry but I’m not a gynecologist and the woman says I know but I need you to take my husband’s teeth out.

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work...

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay. He woke up.

My girlfriend and I are both anthropologists, but we date other people.

When I was in the office today I could hear music coming from the printer. Turns out it was the paper jamming

If you asked a taxi driver how much it would cost to drive you somewhere, would that be a...
...fare question?

Bill Clinton said the reason he kept Monica around was she had the whitest teeth that he had ever Cum across.

Wife just said "You treat this place like a hotel".
She may regret it when I give a low score on Tripadvisor for "rude staff".

"Another new dress," shouted the husband. "Where do you think I'm going to get the money from to pay for it?"
"I didn't marry you to give you financial advice" she replied with complete nonchalance.

Just met Leo Sayer in the local pub he said " You look like Ted from Cheers "
He made me feel like Danson.

Without is with "out" and with is without "out" . How strange .

I slept with my best friends wife last night and now I feel absolutely fucking awful.
Hope it's not Covid.

I always knock on the fridge door before I open it
There could be a salad dressing.

Will you stop bothering me unless you're gonna lend me money?!
Why don't you LEAVE ME A LOAN?!

A man went to his doctor with an unusual issue.
"Every time I pass gas, it sounds like ‘Honda," he said.
The doctor frowned and shook his head.
“I can’t help you, but I know who can,” the doctor said. He made me an appointment with a Chinese dentist.
A couple of days later, unsure what kind of help a Chinese doctor would be for his embarrassing problem, the man showed up for the appointment.
“Open up your mouth and let me look at your teeth,” the Chinese doctor told him.
Seconds later, he said, “Ah, so! Here’s problem. You have abscess!”
“What possibly could an abscess have to do with making my fart sound like Honda?” the man asked.
The dentist replied; "Have you not heard old Chinese proverb -- 'Abscess makes the fart go Honda'? "

I went to my barber and asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise so he gave me a cushion to sit on.

Dating a church girl is the best... I cheat, she finds out, we pray together and blame the devil.

Was at the wife’s grave today.
Well, she thinks I’m digging a pondWas at the wife’s grave today.
Well, she thinks I’m digging a pond.

“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood."
― Oscar Wilde

I keep asking people what the word 'faggot' means but no one ever gives me a straight answer.

I said to my wife this morning
“why do we always argue about everything?” she replied
“Well if I agreed with you, then we'd both be wrong”