Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see", 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'" The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it at a remote location.

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!

I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said,: "We've got to give it back."
Sally said: "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said: "No."
Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

Little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!
Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"
Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are you scrolling down, it's your turn to speak....lol

A cornstalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Want to hear a joke?” The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

Guy walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are assholes.”
The man at the end of the bar says” I object to that remark”.
The guy responds: “Why, are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole”, says the man.

A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says, “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper replies, “Really? You have a drink named Steve?!”

A ghost walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, “Hey, do you taste something funny?”

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with ten bottles of champagne.” The bartender says, “Why the big clause?”

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A panda walks into a bar.
He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”

Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”

The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”

The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”

Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. "Hey, that’s neat," says the bartender. "Where did you get that?”
“France," the kitty says, "they’ve got millions of them!”

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The screwdriver squeals, "You have a drink named Philip??"

A neutron walks into a bar.
"How much for a beer?" the neutron asks.
"For you?" says the bartender. "No charge."

An amnesiac walks into a bar.
He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!”

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she asked if she could massage and rub his testicles. She told him it was something she really loved and wanted to do. So she spent the next hour just rubbing and massaging his testicles, and he was loving every moment. He could not believe his luck, as no other girlfriend had ever wanted to pleasure him like this! As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, “Why do you love rubbing testicles so much?” Because, she replied, “I miss mine!”

A Jew and a Chinese was walking down the street, the Jew turns around and punches the Chinese, the Chinese says “ the fuck was that for?” The Jew replies” that’s for Pearl Harbor!” The Chinese says, “ that was Japanese, I’m Chinese” Jew says, “ Chinese, Japanese same thing .” So they continue walking, then the Chinese turns around and punches the Jew. “ the fuck was that for?!” The Chinese says, that’s for the titanic!!!” Jew replies, that was an iceberg!” Chinese says,” iceberg, Goldberg, same shit”

Q: What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?
A: A cab.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A: A stick.

A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon, his spurs clinking as he walks, his six-shooter slapping at his furry hip. He bellies up to the bar, stares down the bartender, and proclaims, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.

A lion walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?”
The bartender shakes his head sadly and says, “No, sorry. Why don’t you try the circus?”
The lion replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”

A young man is passing by a bar when he sees an old woman fishing with a stick and a string in a puddle by the sidewalk. “She must be a poor old fool,” he thinks to himself, and out of the kindness of his heart, he invites the woman in for a drink.
After he’s paid for their round and the two are sitting quietly, he asks her, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old woman grins, takes a big sip of her drink, and replies, “You’re the eighth.”

A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here.”

A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 shots. Before the bartender even returns with the check, the man has slammed back half of them and shows no signs of slowing down. As the guy finishes his final shot, the bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy wipes his mouth and replies, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had." The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "75 cents,” and runs out the door.

Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua. They pass a bar and the lab owner says, "Let's get a beer." The chihuahua walker complains, "That would be great, but we can't take our dogs in there." The first responds, "Watch me."
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer. The bartender tells her, "Sorry, you can't bring your dog in here." "He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies feigning offense. The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well. Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar. "He's my seeing eye dog," the woman replies. "Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break."
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, "They gave me a chihuahua?!"

A mushroom walks into a bar and orders a drink, but the bartender yells at him to get out before he stinks up the place. The mushroom looks taken aback and says, “Why? I’m a fun guy.”

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks what he’d like. The horse doesn’t reply because it’s a horse and obviously can’t speak or understand English. Several people get up and leave, sensing the danger in having a live animal in a bar.

A guy walks into a bar and is shocked to see a horse tending bar. As the horse finishes preparing an excellent Horse’s Neck, he turns to the awestruck patron and demands, "Hey buddy, what's the matter? You can't believe that a horse can tend bar?"
"No," the guys says. "I can't believe the ferret sold the place."

A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger his way in alarm and yells, “Hey!”
The horse says, “You read my mind, buddy.”

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." The bartender says, "Sorry, don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and again says, "I want to buy some peanuts." The bartender replies, a bit gruffly this time, "I already told you I don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck comes in once again and yet again demands, "I want to buy some peanuts!" The outraged bartender yells back, "I told you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks into the bar and before the bartender can say a word, the duck asks, "Do you have any nails?" The bartender looks taken aback and says quietly, "Sorry, don't have nails." The duck asks, "Well then, do you have any peanuts?"

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a Martinus." The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, "Don't you mean a Martini?" "Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"

E-flat walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don't serve minors.”

A gorilla walks into a bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill. The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.
The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here." The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

A man walks into a bar and sees his friend sitting beside a 12-inch pianist. He says to his friend, "That's amazing. Where did he come from?"
The friend pulls out an old lamp and tells him the genie inside will grant him one wish. The man rubs the bottle, and to his amazement, a puff of purple smoke spews out and slowly collects in the form of a genie. In a booming voice the genie tells the man he has but one wish.
The man thinks and says, "I wish I had a million bucks." All of a sudden the bar is filled with ducks, bursting from the door and the windows, standing on top of the bar, dunking their heads into people’s drinks.
“What just happened?!” the guy asks. His friend replies, "I know. Did you really think I wanted a 12-inch pianist?"

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the neutron gets his drink, he asks, "Bartender, how much do I owe you?"
The bartender replies, "For you, neutron, no charge."

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."
The second one says, "I'll have one, too."
The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."
The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 10 shots of the establishment’s finest single malt scotch. The bartender sets him up, and the guy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor. He then takes the last shot in the row and does the same.
The bartender asks, "Why did you do that?" And the guy replies, "Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick!"

Why did princess Diana cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

A woman starts dating a doctor. She eventually becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks. "It's worth a try," he says. The doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation, he goes to the priest and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this." "What happened?" asks the priest. "You gave birth to a child!" "But that's impossible!" says the priest. "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The priest replies, "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

На первом свидании:
— Короче, пошли в сауну, сразу убьем двух зайцев — и отдохнем, и потрахаемся...
На лице девушки отразилось полное негодование:
— Потрахаться я не против, а зайцев убивать не буду...

Roses are red. Violets are fine. You be the 6. I’ll be the 9.

Are you an elevator? Because I’ll go up and down on you.

Did you know my lips are like Skittles and you’re about to taste the rainbow?

Your body is made up of 70% water. . .and I’m thirsty.

Are you a haunted house? I’m going to scream when I’m in you.

Give me your car keys so I can drive you crazy.

Are you an exam? Because I have been studying you like crazy.

I’m not into watching sunsets, but I’d love to see you go down.

Do you want to commit a sin for your next confessional?

Is your name winter? Because you’ll be coming soon.

Hey! My name is Microsoft. Can I crash at your place tonight?

They say that kissing is a language of love, so would you mind starting a conversation with me?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

My buddies bet me that I wouldn’t be able to start a conversation with the hottest person in the bar. Wanna buy some drinks with their money?

You must be a broom, ‘cause you just swept me off my feet.

Somebody call the cops, because it’s got to be illegal to look that good!

You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!

Are you a dictionary? Cause you’re adding meaning to my life.

You don’t need keys to drive me crazy.

Can you take me to the doctor? Because I just broke my leg falling for you.

Are you my phone charger? Because without you, I’d die.