Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.

My friend accidentally swallowed a clock...He had some alarming side effects.

I’d say God Bless you, but it looks like he already did.

Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.

Was your father a thief? ‘Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

Was you father an alien? Because there’s nothing else like you on Earth!

I’m sorry, were you talking to me? [No] Well then, please start.

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can’t take them off you.

If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?

I may not be a genie, but I can make your dreams come true.

Hello, I’m a thief, and I’m here to steal your heart.

Is your name Google? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.

Can I follow you home? Cause my parents always told me to follow my dreams.

Classic...
Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?

Hey, you’re pretty and I’m cute. Together we’d be Pretty Cute.

Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

Is your dad a terrorist? Cause you’re the bomb.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I pass by again?

Hi, how was heaven when you left it?

Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.

Would you grab my arm, so I can tell my friends I’ve been touched by an angel?

I was wondering if you had an extra heart. Mine was just stolen.

Was your dad a boxer? Because damn, you’re a knockout!

Is there an airport nearby or is it my heart taking off?

Are you sure you’re not tired? You’ve been running through my mind all day.

I’m lost. Can you give me directions to your heart?

I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to all my prayers.

For some reason, I was feeling a little off today. But when you came along, you definitely turned me on.

Do I know you? ‘Cause you look a lot like my next girlfriend 😀

I’m not a photographer, but I can picture me and you together.

Are you a magician? Because whenever I look at you, everyone else disappears!

How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.

How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?

How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
II

How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his mother.

How many Leos does it take to change a light bulb?
A dozen. One to change the bulb, and eleven to applaud.

How many Virgos does it take to change a light bulb?
One to clean out the socket, one to dust the bulb, one to install,
and two engineers to check the work.

How many Libras does it take to change a light bulb?
Libras can't decide if the bulb needs to be changed.

How many Scorpios does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They LIKE the dark.

How many Sagittarians does it take to change a light bulb?
One to install the bulb, and a Virgo to pick up the pieces.

How many Capricorns does it take to change a light bulb?
The light's fine as it is.

How many Aquarians does it take to change a light bulb?
Have you asked the bulb if it WANTS to be changed?

How many Pisceans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?

How many astrologers does it take to change a light bulb?
"Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!"

Q: How many new agers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself
symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a
world where we can all aspire to be gods.

Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds the lightbulb and the universe revolves around
him.

Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it.

Q: How many graduate students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it takes nine years.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the
bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.

Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
one to write the light bulb insertion program, and
one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure
nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.

Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone,
it would screw itself in.

Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.

How many ADD kids does it take to change a...
We should ride bicycles you guys!!

How many skateboarders does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but it take him 100 tries.

How many cubs fans does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just talk about doing it next year.

How many Teamsters does it take to change a light bulb?
Six. You got a problem with that, pal?

How many alcoholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to drink until the room spins.

How many sorority girls does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
3; one to change the bulb, and two to design the T-Shirts.

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish.

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a lightbulb?
You don't know man, you weren't there man!

How many folk musicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
5; One to change the lightbulb, and four to write songs about how much better the old bulb was.

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
7; one to do it, and 6 to stand around saying "pshs, I could do that."

How long does it take a performance artist to change a lightbulb?
I don't know, I left after the first hour and a half.

How many Mystery-genre writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How did the hipster burn his hand?
He changed the lightbulb before it was cool.

How many computer scientists does it take to change a lighbulb?
None. That is a hardware issue.

How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
Sex.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two but it's cramped.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2 but nobody knows how they got in there.

How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just let it burn out and follow it around for a few decades.

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb has to want to change.

How many midgets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. With a step ladder. They're short, not stupid.

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. They're efficient and not very funny.

What's the object oriented way to become wealthy?
Inheritance.

A man is angry because he has it in his head that someone stole his wallet. He walks into a church to steal someone else's wallet, but he has a change of heart during the service. He confesses to the priest afterwards about what his intentions had initially been. The priest asks, "What made you change your mind?" The man says, "In your sermon on the Ten Commandments when you got to 'Thou shall not commit adultery,' I remembered where I left my wallet!"

The only reason the term 'Ladies first' was invented was for the guy to check out the woman's ass.

Back in the day I used to think you needed a boombox to be cool, turns out it's just a stereotype

What did the beach say as the tide came in?

Long time no sea!

Guy walks up to the bar and has a big smile on his face. The bartender say what can I get you? The guys say 5 shots. The bartender says what you celebrating. The guy says just had my first blow job. The bartender says yeah well let me get you a beer. The guy say no if the whiskey cant wash the taste out of my mouth nothing well.

The best and surest way to save a marriage from divorce is not to show up for the wedding.

Why was the tree excited about the future?
It was ready to turn over a new leaf!

People with bad colds don't go to the doctor - they go to the theater.

People with bad colds don't go to the doctor - they go to the theater.

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup coffee in front of him.
He appears to be in deep thought, just staring
at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee...
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room.
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the gun in my face and said:
'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
"I would have been released today..!!!"

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.

The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!

Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.