Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!" The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something. He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!" She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.
Just then the toilet seat slams down, and Johnny lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling.
He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K k k kiss (sniff) it better."
Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"

Condom marketing at it's best !!
(Hilarious) 10 funny condom slogans:
1. If you're nude, tube your dude!
2. Don't be silly. Protect your willy!
3. Wrap your tool, to catch the drool!
4. Cover your hose, then curl her toes!
5. Wrap your stump before you hump!
6. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener!
7. If you think its funky, cover your monkey!
8. Don't make a mistake. Cover your snake!
9. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong!
10. If you're not going to sack it, go home & whack it!

cat and a rooster are sitting by a pool, the cat falls in and the rooster laughs, the cat says a wet pussy always makes a cock happy.

HOW TO TREAT A WOMAN:
Wine her. Dine her. Call her. Hold her. Surprise her. Compliment her. Smile at her. Listen to her. Laugh with her. Cry with her. Romance her. Encourage her. Believe in her. Cuddle with her. Shop with her. Give her jewelry. Buy her flowers. Hold her hand. Write love letters to her. Go to the ends of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO TREAT A MAN:
Show up naked. Bring chicken wings & beer. Don't block the TV..

A cowboy and his wife had just gotten married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the Front Desk and asked for a room.
He said, "This heerza special 'casion -- our honeymoon -- and we need a nice room with a good strong bed."
The clerk winked -- "You want the 'Bridal'?"
The cowboy reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
"Nope, reckon not. Guess I'll jist hold on to her ears til she gits used to it!"

If you must insist on sending me pics of your boobs,
please at least be fucking female.

Time flies like an arrow.

Fruit flys like a banana.

Did you know that you don't wash your hands, you just stand there watching them wash themselves like a creep.

I really dislike Russian dolls
They’re so full of themselves

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
The moral of this story is: When a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

I don't yet have a perfect knowledge of how to do origami in reverse, but it is slowly unfolding.

You should never make fun out of a dyslexic dwarf.
It’s not big and it’s not clever!

Hillbilly weddingnight! They are in the bedroom, undressing. She says: " you have to be very careful with me, I am still a virgin!" He pulls up his pants runs out of the room. Sprints all the way home to his father and tells him about his virgin bride. Father says:" thanks god, son, good you didn't touch that bitch! If she isn't even good enough for her own family what does that filthy piece want with us?!"

When someone insults you..
Think before u react..!! 😇
It takes 72 muscles to get angry 😣
14 to smile 🙂
but Only 4 muscles to extend your hand and slap that idiot..

The wife wanted a Pandora bracelet for her birthday, so I've met her halfway and got her a pan.

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily
against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?”
The clerk says, “Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative.”
The owner says, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with laxatives!”
The clerk says, “Oh yeah? Look at him, he’s afraid to cough!”

After sex dudes always ask did you cum?
Yeah bitch to the wrong house...pass me my damn panties.

Because they've spent all their cash on booze during a night on the town, Dave and Eric have no money for a taxi home.
Dave has a drunken idea. "Let's steal a bus!"
He persuades Eric to break into the bus station. But 20 minutes later, Eric has failed to emerge.
Dave sticks his head round the door. "What on earth are you doing?"
"I can't find a number seven anywhere," says a distressed Eric.
"You idiot," shouts Dave, shaking his head in disbelief. "Just steal a number nine. We can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way."

The only B word you should ever call a woman is Beautiful.
😍
Bitches love that.
😁

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "YUP, it is" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment... Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You IDIOT! It's THREE-FIFTEEN in the MORNING!".

I took viagra to help with my sunburn.
It doesn't cure it or anything, but it keeps the blankets off my legs when I'm sleeping!

I am tired of oral sex jokes.
They are too hard to swallow.

Husband comes home with ' I love u ' tattooed on his penis.....
When he shows his Wife she goes crazy....
See there you go again you bastard,
..........trying to put words in my mouth!

Went out for a family meal last night, and we decided to try the duck for a change.
As usual, I ended up with the bill!

Masturbation is a touchy subject. But oral sex is a matter of taste.

OMG!....I was in in the public restroom - I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice in the other stall: "Hi, how are you?"
Me: embarrassed, "Doin' fine!"
Stall: "So what are you up to?"
Me: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just sitting here."
Stall: "Can I come over?"
Me: (attitude) "No, I'm a little busy right now!!"
Stall: "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
'Do you want to go up or down?'
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !
When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.
He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'
There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day..
She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'
The woman replied, 'Down.'
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,'Up or down ?'
She replied, 'Up.'
This really confused the gentleman so he asked,
'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'
She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
fuck or drown.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.
One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
The husband texted back to her:
"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

Three men went to hell.
The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"
He then opened the doors to the three rooms.
Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.
Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.
Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shit up to their knees and drinking coffee.
The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.
They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads.

Q:What do you call a fat psychic ?
A :Four chin teller.

A woman goes to the doctor and tells him that her pussy is itching something fierce, "well let me take a look at it." While he's down there he's saying "yes , sure,aha, okay." He tells her to sit up and get dressed. Once she's dressed he says, "I'm sorry to inform you ma'am but you have crabs." Shocked she says, "that can't be, I'm a virgin!" Disbelieving her the doctor asks the woman her age, she says, "I just turned 45." He laughs and says, "Well I am sorry to inform you that you do indeed have crabs." So the woman goes to a second doctor to get another opinion. The doctor tells her to strip and lay down. While he's down there he's saying, "okay I see, sure, haha." He instructs the woman to sit up and get dressed. "I'm sorry to tell you this ma'am but you have crabs." Shocked again she says, "that's impossible I'm a virgin." Again the doctor laugh's and asks her age. She says, "I just turned 45." The doctor laugh's says, "I'm sorry but you do have crabs." The woman seeks a third and final opinion. As usual she strips and lies down. The doctor goes down there and says, "haha, wow! unbelievable! She says, "Oh Lord please don't tell me I have crabs!" He says, "no ma'am I'm sorry to inform you but your cherry has gone rotten and you have the worst case of fruit flies I've ever seen! "

If your dentist fixed your cavities with different colors, would you be ok with that, or would you have..
..mixed fillings??

2 guys were talking about what they got their wives for Valentines Day
The first guy says: "I got my wife flowers, chocolates and a diamond bracelet"
The second guy replies: "Oh nice she will like that... I too got my wife flowers, chocolates, but with a diamond ring..................... and a dildo.
The first guy asks: "that sounds great but why the dildo?................
The second guy looks him in the eyes and says: "Well if she doesnt like the ring she can go fuck herself!"

What is the difference between a pitbull and a woman on her rag?
The lipstick!

Last Christmas Eve, Santa got stuck in my chimney. Getting stuck is bad enough, but he also suffers from Claus-trophobia...

Where did George Washington keep his armies?

In his sleevies 😂

I once read the dictionary. Now ever book I read is just a remix.

I found myself in a strange market place, how bazaar.

Did Cain kill his brother because he was Abel to? 😏

- Зинка, скажи этим ханурикам, чтобы 72-й портвейн не выбивали - кончился!..
Зинка:
- Ladies and gentlemen, attention please! Portwein number seventy-two is over. Thank you!..

I'd make a pun about my dick,but y'all wouldn't get it.

It seems to me the meaning of opaque is unclear.

I was gonna look for my missing watch. But I could never find the time..

There was a lady and husband that decided to try making love in their backyard. When the lady opened her legs a bee flew into her vagina. So they went to the Dr to have it removed. The Dr said oh no problem sir if it'ss okay with you I will put honey on my penis, and pull out and the bee will be out. After a period of time had passed the husband noticed the Dr was enjoying himself, the husband said hey what are you doing you seem to really be enjoying yourself and the bee has not come out either. The Dr. Turned to the man and said I'm going for plan B I'm gonna drown the little bastard.

I just saw Gwen Stefani walking down the street.
I have no doubt it was her.

Have you met Bruce Lee's vegan brother Broco?
Broco Lee

There isn't a census in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."

"Barry, If you don't marry me now I'm pregnant I'm gonna jump off the Sydney Harbour Bridge"
"Crikey Sheila, I knew you were a good fuck, but no idea you're such a good sport too"

What do coffee lovers feel when they run out of coffee?
Depresso!

Measurement Humor:
Ratio of igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarse power
Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
365 days drinking lo-cal beer = 1 lite year
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = won ton
10 rations = decoration
2 doctors = paradox
Time between slipping and hitting the pavement = 1 bananosecond

Mama doesn't let me watch Orchestra performances.

- Too much sax and violins.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up."

"Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more ground that way."

I bet my butcher that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, but he wouldn't take the bet because the steaks were too high.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Disneyland is a people trap set by a mouse.

A little boy is in the shower with his Mum when he points to her vagina and asks 'what's that Mum?'.
Mum replies 'well Son, that's my axe wound'.
The little boy exclaims 'wow that must have been a good shot, it got you right in the cunt!'

I asked a German what the square root of 81 was. He just keeps telling me "no" for some reason.

A tennis ball rolls into a bar.. Barman says, "Have you been served?"

My uncle Jack died the other day,
Oh dear, What of ?
I don't know
But apparently it wasn't anything serious .

The life of a driller is boring.

I don't know why people go on about Lennon & McCartney...Ringo was clearly the Starr.

Me " Do you have the book about small dicks ? "

Librarian " I don`t think it`s in yet "

Me " That`s the one "

My friend claims that he "accidentally" glued himself to his autobiography, but I don't believe him. But that's his story, and he's sticking to it.

I started a band called 999 megabytes. I still haven't got a gig yet.

I got pulled over last week, when I gave the cop my driver's license he took a double take then asked me, "what's your name"? I said it's D D DA D David. He said, "you got a stutter boy"! I said, no sir, my dad had a stutter and the guy filling out the birth certificate was a real jerk!

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes
John: I want to be rich
Genie: Done
Rich: But noting happened

I'm addicted to buying Beatles albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help!?

I'm addicted to buying Beatles albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help!?

I've got a phobia of over-engineered buildings. It's a complex complex complex.

Looking for a wife to cook, clean, snuggle, laugh at my jokes, make love, then fuck off home when her husband calls.

I thought there would be more training when I became a garbageman, but you really just pick it up as you go.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.

Fact: Sharks can only attack you if you're wet.

Two old guys on the porch are watching a dog lick his balls. One guy says, "I wish I could do that." The second guy suggests, "You ought to try petting him first."

Did you know... theres a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Two midgets go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first midget, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room, he hears cries of, "ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second midget asks the first, "How did it go?" The first whispered back, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard-on." The second midget shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?" he asked. "I couldn't even get on the fucking bed"

At the old folks home, Sam & Arlene have their special way of intimacy. Arlene holds Sam's penis while they watch TV. A new resident moves in and Arlene is shocked to find Sam sitting next to her as the new woman holds Sam's penis. Later, Arlene confronts Sam asking, "What has she got that I haven't got?" Sam sheepishly replies, "Parkinson's"

Sent my hearing aid off for repair a month ago.
I've heard nothing since....