Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

There's a guy going around stealing iPhones. At some point he's going to face time....

"Concerning non-violence: it is criminal to teach a man not to defend himself when he is the constant victim of brutal attacks." ~Malcolm X

My girlfriend told me that she had had sex with 5 people before we met. I wouldn`t have minded but I was only 25 minutes late !

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi.
It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.
"Mum," said the boy, "What are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work", she replied.
The taxi driver turns round and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."
The little boy's eyes got wide and he said, "Is that true, Mum?"
His mother, glaring hard at the taxi driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asked, "Mum, what happens to their babies?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers", she said.

Caught my son picking up a dropped pencil
Noticed that he held his hand next to his heart while doing that
On asking why did he do that
He told me ..
' in school - the teacher bent to pick up the duster and both her "lungs" fell out .

A fireman looked out of the firehouse window and noticed a little boy playing on the sidewalk. He had small ladders hung on the side of his little red wagon, and a garden hose coiled up in it. He was wearing a fireman's hat. He had the wagon tied to his dog, so that the dog could pull the wagon. The fireman thought this was really cute, so he went out and told the little boy what a great looking fire truck he had. As he did, he noticed that the dog was tied to the wagon by his testicles. The fireman said, "Son, I don't want to tell you how to run your fire company or anything, but I think if you would tie that rope around the dog's neck you would go faster." Maybe so," said the little boy, "but then I'd lose my siren!"

How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket...

A man and a woman were deeply in love. She, being of a religious nature, had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked. One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits. "I can't stand it anymore," she told him. "Let's play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I'll remove one piece of clothing." He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car. He reached the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60, off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties. Now, seeing her naked for the first time, and traveling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, over an embankment and wrapped the car around a tree. His girlfriend was thrown clear, but he was trapped. She tried to pull him free but alas, he was stuck. "Go up to the road and get help," he said. "But I haven't anything to cover myself with!" she replied. The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. "You'll have to put this between your legs to cover it up," he told her. So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story. "My boyfriend, my boyfriend!" she sobs, "He's stuck and I can't pull him out!" The truck driver, looking down at the shoe between her legs, replies, "Ma'am, if he's in that far, I'm afraid there's no hope for him."

Anal sex is keeping my wife really fit..
Everytime I mention it she runs a fucking mile!!..

After 10 years, the wife starts to think their kid looks kinda strange so she decides to do a DNA test.
She finds out that the kid is actually from completely different parents.
Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you
Husband: What’s up?
Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid
Husband: Well you dont’t remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

I didn't know what to wear to my premature ejaculation society meeting, so I just came in my pants.

My uncle was a conductor.
Q: In an orchestra,
or on a train?
A: Neither. He was struck by lightning!

A passer-by watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
'Tell me', said the passer-by, 'What on earth are you doing?'
'Well', said the digger, 'Usually there are three of us. I dig, Fergal plants the tree and Sean fills in the hole. Today Fergal is away unwell, but that doesn't mean Sean and I have to take the day off, does it?'

My girlfriend asked me how Jesus stayed so fit back then. I told her it was CrossFit.

People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.

Q:What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
A:Nobody knows.

A Swedish pop group has created a cartoon image of themselves on Facebook.

It's their Abbatar.

Tomorrow I'll create a post about How to stop procrastinating.

Little Johnnie was struggling with arithmetic in his public school. His parents decided to move him to a Catholic school instead. Amazingly, his math grades skyrocketed! His mother asked him about the vast improvement. Johnnie said, "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they were serious."

Even if you put your left shoe on the wrong foot, it's still on the right foot...

I remember when I used to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

Things Men know about Women:
1:
2:
3:
4:
5:
6:
7:
8:
9:
10: Women have Breasts.

When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof I was shocked.

Boy says to girl: Do u like imagine dragons?
Girl: yes
Boy: imagine draggin deez nuts across your chin.

Q:Why don't Chinese play Baseball?
A:Because they eat the bat😎

If we continue wearing masks for next 5 years, Next generation might think that Mouth is a Private Part.

Why are Pizzas made round, cut into triangles then put into a square box?

After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Kevin remembered he has a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.
The dentist got close enough & said, "Man did you have a 69 before you came here?"
Kevin, shocked says, "Why, No! Does my breath smell like pussy?"

The dentist says, "No, but your forehead smells like ass!"

Paddy is on a bus when a young women sat opposite to him starts to breast feed her baby. "Come on eat up or I'll giv it to that man over there" she says to the baby.. 10 min later she is still feedin the baby and says "come on or mummy will giv it to that man ovr there"..Paddy looks over to the woman and says, "For heaven's sake missus will u make ur mind up. I shldv got off this bus 3 stops ago!

I have some dead batteries if anyone wants them, free of charge.

Q:What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A:Only takes one nail to put the picture up.

Two older women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman said, "I'm thinking of getting a boob-job."
The second woman responded, "Oh, that's nothing. I'm thinking of having my arsehole bleached!"
"Whoa," replied the first woman.
"I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

I don't judge people based on age, race, religion, sexuality, color or gender. I base it on whether they are an asshole or not.

Got complemented on my driving today somebody left a note on my windscreen saying Parking fine.

Q:How do you make a dead baby float?
A:Two scoops of vanilla, one scoop of dead baby.

Q: What goes 'plink, plink, fizz fizz?..... Ans: Two babies falling in a bath of acid!

A cardiologist died. According to his will, he was buried in a heart shape grave. One of the doctors laughed at the grave. People asked "Why did you laugh at the heart shaped grave?" Doctor replied "I am thinking about my grave. I am a Gynecologist!"

WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock!

If you think 2020 is a bad year just wait for 2022 cause 2022 is 2020 too.

Q: what does a woman & Kentucky fried chicken have in common?
A: By the time your finished with the breast and thighs, all u have left is the greasy box to put the bone in!

Q:When does a boyscout become a man?
A:When he eats his first brownie.

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open. A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out." As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!"

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotch-less panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs - enough times and eventually her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotch-less panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile..
"OMG! Thank goodness .... I thought you were sitting on the cat!"

Q: What do a pizza delivery driver & a Gynecologist have in common?
A:They both have to smell it but neither of them gets to eat it.

After watching how some people wear masks, I understand how contraception fails.

Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal for the 1st time.
He says "If it hurts too much yell the safety word & I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch".

I had an “hour glass” figure, but then the sand shifted.

A baseball walks into a bar — the bartender throws it out.

If money doesn’t grow on trees, how come banks have branches?

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand." The new priest tries this. The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see", 'Yes, go on' and 'I understand.' 'How did you feel about that?'" The new priest practices, saying these phrases. The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?!? What happened next?'"

When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

Whenever I lose my TV controller, I always find it at a remote location.

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs — they’re always taking things literally.

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Why do bees hum? They don’t remember the lyrics!

I went to see the doctor about my short-term memory problems — the first thing he did was make me pay in advance.

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," the woman replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning for her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight! You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

An elderly couple was celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered. They found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved "I love you, Sally".
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armoured car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!
Jerry said,: "We've got to give it back."
Sally said: "Finders keepers."
She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers, who were canvassing the neighbourhood looking for the money, knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"
Sally said: "No."
Jerry said: "She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said: "Don't believe him, he’s getting senile."
The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.
One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Jerry said: "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday .."
The first police officer turned to his partner and said: "Let’s get out of here."

Little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma."

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating on who is the greatest of the three of them!
Boob - "I give milk to new born babies and I'm attractive to the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"
Vagina - "That's nothing, I give birth to new born and can accommodate the opposite sex, that's why I am the greatest!"
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Why are you scrolling down, it's your turn to speak....lol

A cornstalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Want to hear a joke?” The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

Guy walks into a bar and yells, “All lawyers are assholes.”
The man at the end of the bar says” I object to that remark”.
The guy responds: “Why, are you a lawyer?”
“No, I’m an asshole”, says the man.

A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender. He says, “you’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”

A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke.

This grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey! We have a drink named after you!” The grasshopper replies, “Really? You have a drink named Steve?!”

A ghost walks into a bar, the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits.”

Two cannibals walk into a bar and sit beside this clown. The first cannibal whacks the clown on the head and they both start eating the clown. Suddenly the second cannibal looks up and says, “Hey, do you taste something funny?”

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint please, but if I’m not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with ten bottles of champagne.” The bartender says, “Why the big clause?”

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A panda walks into a bar.
He gobbles some beer nuts, then pulls out a pistol, fires it in the air, and heads for the door.

“Hey!” shouts the bartender, but the panda yells back, “I’m a panda. Google me!”

Sure enough, panda: “A tree-climbing mammal with distinct black-and-white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Infinitely many mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first says, “I’ll have a beer.”

The second says, “I’ll have half a beer.”

The third says, “I’ll have a quarter of a beer.”

Before anyone else can speak, the barman fills up exactly two glasses of beer and serves them. “Come on, now,” he says to the group, “You guys have got to learn your limits.”

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.
The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. "Hey, that’s neat," says the bartender. "Where did you get that?”
“France," the kitty says, "they’ve got millions of them!”

A screwdriver rolls into a bar.
The bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The screwdriver squeals, "You have a drink named Philip??"

A neutron walks into a bar.
"How much for a beer?" the neutron asks.
"For you?" says the bartender. "No charge."

An amnesiac walks into a bar.
He goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”

Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out!” shouts the barman. “We don’t serve your type here!”